Acme-24

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META.yml  view on Meta::CPAN

--- #YAML:1.0
name:               Acme-24
version:            0.04
abstract:           Your favourite TV-show Acme module
author:
    - Cosimo Streppone <cosimo@cpan.org>
license:            unknown
distribution_type:  module
configure_requires:
    ExtUtils::MakeMaker:  0
build_requires:
    ExtUtils::MakeMaker:  0
requires:
    LWP::Simple:   0
    XML::RSSLite:  0
no_index:
    directory:
        - t

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
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When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
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Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
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When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
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Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
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When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
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If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
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Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you. 
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Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell's Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
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Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.
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Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
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Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country.  How patriotic are you?
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In Season 3 Jack Bauer "distracted" an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can.  He then shot the man anyway.
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Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
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There are only 2 types of people in the world:
• Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
• Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will  eventually die as a result.
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Jack Bauer once appeared in a Staples commercial... he broke the easy button because everything comes easy to Jack Bauer.
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If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper.  He uses terrorists.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
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Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
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The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
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When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
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Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
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When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
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When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
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Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
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Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
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At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
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Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.
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Vegas takes no odds on Jack Bauer versus a terrorist. The chance of the terrorist dying is always 100%.
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Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
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Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a stunt double.  Stunt doubles use Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer showers in acid rain.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take a dump.  He leaves it.
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Jack's favorite game show is Jeopardy, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.
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Direct eye contact with Jack Bauer is not advised, unless you do not fear death. In that case, prepare to die.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Since Jack Bauer and Kobe Bryant live in Los Angeles, they commonly switch jobs. What else could explain "Kobe" scoring 81 points.
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If Jack Bauer was in Independance Day it would have been called The 1st of July.
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Jack Bauer was in last years season of "Skating with Celebrities".  The show never aired because he hid in the air ducts, then killed everyone and faked his own death.
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"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
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Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
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Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
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Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
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If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
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If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
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The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
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Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.