Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer found out that Chapelle was secretly watching CSI instead of 24, he shot him.
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Sprint cellphone sales skyrocketed after Jack Bauer showed people how to use them to blow up terrorists.
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Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
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In Season 2 when Jack is stripped down by the terrorists before torture, the camera caught a glimpse of his testicles. Unfortunately for viewers, scientists have yet to provide us with a storage medium of adequate capacity to archive Jack's immense b...
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When interrogating a suspect, they say everyone has a breaking point, for most it takes hours, maybe days to crack someone. Give Jack Bauer one bullet and it'll take 2 seconds, gun and hacksaw optional.
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Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
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Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
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The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
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When Kim brings new boyfriends to meet Jack, he doesn't shake hands with them. He introduces them to Chase.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
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David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
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Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
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Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't care about Kanye West.
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Jesus did not die for our sins. He refused to divulge information to Jack Bauer.
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Most people start their day with a bowl of cereal. Jack Bauer starts his day with a 9mm and a double figure body count
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Jack Bauer won the Daytona 500.  On a skateboard.
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Jack Bauer got an upgrade to first class even though the airplane did not have a first class section.
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There's only one real reason why Jack Bauer is going after his family in Season 6: It is time to purify the bloodline.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's in English, thank Jack Bauer... for not killing your teacher.
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Jack Bauer pours water into acids.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
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Jack Bauer didn't quit smoking. He just quit smoking cigarettes. Non-filtered wasn't strong enough, so he moved on to exhaust pipes.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Being Jack Bauer's caddy is the worst job in the world. He constantly has a gun to your head demanding to know where his ball is.
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If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
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When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean "Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?"
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Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
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When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
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The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade. 
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Jack Bauer thinks Martini's shaken not stirred are for pussies.
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Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
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When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
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Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
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Jack Bauer was going to study for a PhD, but he thought the hour could be better spent working for CTU.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

To Jack Bauer, the "quicker, picker upper" is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
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Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
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Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
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Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 
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Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
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Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
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If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
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Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
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Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you’re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can get a McRib any time he wants. That "For a limited time" bullshit doesn't apply to him.
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The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
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While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
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Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.
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Jack Bauer hates jazz.  The result?

Hurricane Katrina.
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One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, "Today is the longest day of my life."
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Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he has nightmares about Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thinks his shit don't stink. He's right.
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When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
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Drive-Thru's are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.
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The new best selling bumper sticker reads: "Jack Bauer will beat the crap out of your Honor Student".

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes viagra every day so he can walk.
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When Jack Bauer says jump, you don't have time to ask how high.
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Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term "Chinese Takeout".
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It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
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Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
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Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
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When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
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Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
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The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
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Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
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The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.  
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At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession.  All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.  
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Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
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Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
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During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
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Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
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Jack Bauer once ate a quarter and shit two dimes and a nickle.
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Jack Bauer does not need SCUBA gear.  If he runs out of air, he uses anger.
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It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
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Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
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Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
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Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
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Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine.  Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
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If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
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The answer to the question "what happens when a strong force hits an immoveable object" has never been answered because nothing that has crossed Jack Bauer's path has lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer was traded for Behrooz and 99 1st round draft picks.
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All of the guns used on 24 aren't real, yet Jack's gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
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Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
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Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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If Jack Bauer says "Shit," you say "What shape Agent Bauer?"
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Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he's sober again in six minutes.

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What do you call Jack Bauer with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake? Extremely dangerous.
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Jack Bauer is the American dream.  That is to say when America sleeps it dreams of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
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There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
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Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.
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If Jack Bauer had a nickel for every time he killed a terrorist, he would own the U.S.
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Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner.  He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to sleep.  He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
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The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."
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If anyone haunts Satan's dreams, its Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has the schematics of heaven on his PDA.
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The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer. 
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If Jack Bauer says 'This is not the right play', it's not the right play.
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Jack Bauer was able to find me a XBOX 360.
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When Martin Luther King had a dream, that dream was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once went to a religious retreat in high school, where, by the end of the weekend, everyone was singing, "Jack Bauer in the highest."
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Jack Bauer can do long division in his head.
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When Jack Bauer goes on "It's A Small World After All" at Disney, he gets extremely angry during the Bosnian, Turk, Mexican, Russian, Chinese, French and Arab sections, but otherwise enjoys the ride.
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When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
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Jack Bauer never wet his pants, he wet other kids pants to let them know when they were scared.
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During the childhood game "Duck, Duck, Goose", no one "goosed" Jack Bauer.  Ever.
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In 1996, Lance Armstrong got in a fight with Jack Bauer. Since then, Lance has only had one testicle...
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Jack Bauer was never taught to use his "indoor voice".

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once tried to become a surgeon, but he kept jamming the surgical scissors into the patients necks.
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An electromagnet didn't cause the plane to crash. Jack Bauer was in the luggage compartment and the pilot wouldn't listen to him.
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Jack Bauer is the reason men turn gay.
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Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
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Jack Bauer uses those he has killed as tax write offs.
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CTU was blown up in the second season of "24", but luckily, Jack Bauer was there to fix it simply by applying a piece of gum that he'd been chewing on.
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Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.
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Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school.  When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found.  Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents.
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When Jack Bauer is connected to a series of events that involves foreigners, they have to speak english even in their own homes. They have no choice, that is the way of things.
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American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
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Jack Bauer found his parents having sex, and tortured his father to learn of his primary objective.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
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Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
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Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
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Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
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Jack Bauer was approached to be a talk show host, but the deal fell through when he tortured each guest on the pilot episode. He wasn't happy with the answers he was getting, and insisted that he needed to know their 'primary objective'
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn't say he's going to jerkoff, he say's "it's time to punish my genitals".
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The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
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Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
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Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
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Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
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In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
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As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
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One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
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Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
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Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
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When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
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On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won't believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of...
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Sudoku puzzles solve themselves when they see Jack Bauer coming.
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Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
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When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
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Kim must have been adopted.  That's the only explanation.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

"Panic! At the Disco" was originally called "At the Disco". Then Jack Bauer showed up.
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Jack Bauer found and killed the last 0.1% of odor-causing bacteria.
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The soup nazi gives Jack Bauer extra crackers.
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When Jack Bauer whispers something in Lil Jon's ear, he does not say "WHAT?!"
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When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.
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Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
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In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer.  He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half.  One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer.  The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as "The Big Bang...

Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
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The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their school yard game. Fuck Superman.

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Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o'clock shadow and receding hairline.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
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You don't play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
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When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
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Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
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As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
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The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security.  Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice. 
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When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
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Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
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Hardee's is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - "The Jack Bauer Burger" - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn't suffer from shrinkage.
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Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If you are ever going to testify against a crime, make sure Jack Bauer doesn't know because he may saw off your head in order to gain a "legit" cover with the bad guys. 
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Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key.
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Jack Bauer takes more shots then Allen Iverson.
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When God said, "Let there be light," it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.
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Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Jack Bauer" by their girlfriends during sex.
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Jack Bauer goes from 0-to-kill in less than 3 seconds.
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Every time a cell phone rings, Jack Bauer has just put a bullet in a terrorists head.
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Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
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Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
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It ain't over until the fat lady sings, and Jack Bauer is the fat lady.
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Jack Bauer was born after he performed a Cesearean section on his own mother.
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God didn't rest on the 7th day of Creation.  He created Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can eat flour and shit cupcakes. 
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Sometimes Jack Bauer likes to play dogeball with little kids.  Not with a ball, but actually throwing little kids at each other.
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Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear's baby.  And Angelina Jolie's.  And Katie Holmes'.  When Audrey finds out, she'll be okay with it....
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Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
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Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
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Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
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The Ice Age only occured because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
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Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
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Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
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Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
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Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
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Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
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Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Kobe Bryant will pass the ball when Jack Bauer tells him to.
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Satellites aren't in orbit. They're trying to get away from Jack Bauer but can't.
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Jack Bauer jumped in bed with a girl named Katrina… sorry New Orleans.
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Chase Edmunds, Curtis Manning, and Mike Doyle have all tried to become the next Jack Bauer. We all know what happened to them.
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Hilter killed himself only after he learned that Jack Bauer was coming after him.
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Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
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When Bush says that we will find weapons of mass destruction, you know he is lying. If Jack does not want to be found he wont be found. 
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The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
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1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
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There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
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Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick.  And won.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
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When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
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The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
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Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
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Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
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The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
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Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
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Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
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Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
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Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
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When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
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Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
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Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
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Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you're saying.
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Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
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Despite Jack Bauer's protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:

A question on all job applications which reads: "Are you a mole?"
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When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
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The American dream is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
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Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
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Jack Bauer produces his own food through photosynthesis which explains why he never eats. This process excretes "Canned Whoop-Ass" which explains everything else.
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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer doesn't have a 6-pack; he has a 24-pack, because that's how real men roll.
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Jack Bauer uses a bomb for an alarm clock every morning.
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Jack Bauer doesn't punch you in the chest.  He punches you in the fucking heart.

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Black people are jealous of the size of Jack Bauer's penis.
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Agent Pierce is 62% as tough as Jack Bauer, easily making Agent Pierce the second toughest man in the universe.
%
Jack Bauer prefers windows...doors are for women, children, and people he kicks through them.
%
Jack Bauer can swim 20 minutes after he eats.
%
Jack Bauer can milk anything with nipples, even men.
%
Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.
%
When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask, "When can I come down?"

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Nobody puts Jack Bauer in the corner.
%
Jack Bauer once spilled bean dip on Chloe at the CTU Christmas party. She's had a shitty fucking attitude ever since. 
%
Jack Bauer is never charged the $2 fee when using foreign ATM machines.
%
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
%
Jack Bauer has Jesus-like healing powers. But when Jack brings someone back to life, he kills them again.
%
Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds.  Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
%
The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
%
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
%
In his presence, every feminist has to make Jack Bauer a sandwich and suck his dick afterwards.
%
The atomic clock is set to Jack Bauer's watch.
%
The Ten Commandments has an asterisk, excluding Jack Bauer from having to obey all of the above.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Why do they call it Jacking off? Because Jack Bauer only needs his hand to blow anything up.
%
Jack Bauer can smoke ciggarettes on an airplane.
%
Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
%
It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends a blank form along with a picture of himself with a gun.  Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes ever.
%
Jack Bauer knows what is in secret sauce.
%
The real reason "24" wasn't cancelled in its first season is that Jack Bauer spoke to the Fox executives through the TV screen and threatened them with towels.
%
When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
%
Jack Bauer is the only true American Idol.
%
Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
%
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
%
The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
%
Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
%
Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
%
Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
%
Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
%
Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
%
Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once stared at a total solar eclipse.  He didn't go blind, but the world plunged into darkness.
%
Only Jack Bauer can stop forest fires.
%
Whenever Emeril says ‘Bam’ – he is referring to another kill by Jack Bauer.
%
Roosters crow in the morning after Jack Bauer wakes them.
%
You can now abolish the IRS by having them audit Jack Bauer.
%
If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter.  If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
%
President Logan is not scared because he knows the terrorits are threatening America. He is scared because he knows Jack Bauer can take over anytime he wants.
%
Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
%
When Jack was just a young boy, he was held at gunpoint by a  terrorist. He escaped by looking him in the eye and laughing, melting his brain. That laughter broke into a million tiny pieces, and that is where fairies come from.
%
John McCain only has no problem with torturing detainees just as long as it's Jack Bauer doing the torturing.
%
Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
%
Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once lost his TV remote, but managed to regain control by calmly telling the television what to do.
%
Jack Bauer would have broke Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield out of prison... But then it wouldn't have been much of a show, would it?
%
Jack Bauer doesn't count his chickens before they hatch. He smashes them into little pieces and eats them for dinner.
%
CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife's death.  By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
%
Jack Bauer has once made a lie detector lie.  He then proceeded to torture it until it told the truth.
%
Jack Bauer once took every drug known to man and then took a nap.
%
24's Director no longer yells "Cut!" after scenes... it was just getting too bloody.
%
Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.
%
Jack and Dr. House are good friends.  As soon as Jack kills a man, House saves him so Jack can kill him again.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
%
Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country.  How patriotic are you?
%
In Season 3 Jack Bauer "distracted" an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can.  He then shot the man anyway.
%
Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
%
There are only 2 types of people in the world:
• Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
• Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will  eventually die as a result.
%
Jack Bauer once appeared in a Staples commercial... he broke the easy button because everything comes easy to Jack Bauer.
%
If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer. 
%
Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper.  He uses terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was once sent onto the TV show Survivor.  Once the contest began, Bauer shot everybody he was competing against and instead of giving him the million dollars the producers tried to send him to jail.  However, Jack Bauer is no longer tried ...
%
The day will soon arrive that Jack Bauer's icy stare can cause a human head to explode. 
%
Jack Bauer can checkmate without moving his pawns.
%
No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
%
The only reason Bill Gates doesn’t crush Apple is because Jack Bauer owns stock in it.
%
In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
%
Jack Bauer may not be able to turn water into wine. He does, however, turn men gay.
%
Give me liberty or give me Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was nicknamed 'Fear' because the only thing you need to fear is fear itself.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't work for the Department of Defense, Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
%
During a game of poker, a Mexican told Jack Bauer, "You're bluffing."  Jack gauged out the Mexican's eyes with a poker chip and shoved a Joker card up the guy's urethra.  And then revealed a royal flush.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
%
Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
%
Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
%
Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
%
Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
%
When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
%
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
%
When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
%
The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
%
Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
%
We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
%
The original intro narrative for each episode of 24 ended with "My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a bad ass."
%
Jack Bauer does not wash his hands when he pees. Jack Bauer knows better than to pee on his hands.
%
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
%
In season 2, Jack told Kim to shoot Gary in the chest. He still hasn't forgiven himself for not being there to see her first kill.
%
ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
%
When Jack Bauer was a contestant on "The Apprentice", he fired Donald Trump from his own show.
%
If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
%
Obi-Wan Kenobi once hacked off three of Jack Bauer's limbs, and left him to burn in a pool of lava. Jack Bauer's limbs and skin regenerated within the hour.
%
Jack Bauer was once asked if he was a homosexual. Once.
%
Jack Bauer could lead the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
%
Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
%
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
%
Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
%
The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
%
When Jack Bauer has the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack’s watching.
%
David Hasselhoff once tried to rescue Jack Bauer. He didn’t survive.
%
If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked.
%
When Jack Bauer's wife's paternity test revealed that he wasn't the father, he tortured his own son until he revealed who it was.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't put the toilet seat down.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to slap the bottom of the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup to come out.
%
Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
%
Jack Bauer can barbecue in airplane lavatories.
%
We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
%
Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
%
When Jack Bauer sneezes, Arabs offer their turbans as handkerchiefs.
%
While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
%
After Pope John Paul II died, God asked Jack Bauer to succeed him.  He said no.
%
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
%
Jack Bauer could get Urkel and Skreech laid.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
%
Jack Bauer has no friends on Myspace. Everyone who adds him becomes a target by several terrorist networks, and they are found dead the next day for not giving up Jack's location.
%
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
%
Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets.
%
Jack Bauer invented misery.
%
The only reason Martha Logan could bring herself to having sex with President Logan was by pretending that he was Jack Bauer.  However, the fantasy wasn't fulfilled when President Logan lasted 40 seconds.
%
Jack Bauer can do more with a cell phone than most hackers can do with the top personal computers.
%
Jack Bauer does not yield when he turns right on red.
%
The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it. 
%
Someone once said "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuckk the prom queen" Jack fucked the prom queen. Twice.
%
Jack Bauer's Rice Krispies make no noise. Snap, Crackle and Pop were too noisy for him to complete his breakfast mission.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

It took this website's admin up to a week to post this fact.  Jack Bauer would've had it up in 24 hours.
%
Jack Bauer once used a retard to capture the most wanted terrorist and take down three of his subordinates.

...no, seriously, he did.
%
When CTU didn't have a hacksaw per his request, Jack used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of a suspect.
%
Jack Bauer was unhappy because God didn't let Jack into heaven for all his sins but cheered up after he was able to eternally torture Nina, Drazen and Marwan in hell.
%
Only Jack Bauer knows whats going to happen at the end of Day 5.  In order to keep it a secret, he killed Keifer Sutherland.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.
%
Black holes aren't black holes. Thats the gravitational pull from Jack Bauer's Balls. 
%
When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
%
Jack Bauer's preferred method of killing terrorists is actually just pointing his gun in the general direction he wants to shoot and using his sheer force of will to realign time and space so that the bullet from the gun is now in the terrorist. Trig...
%
Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants. 

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer had a time machine, Teri still would have died because he would have saw how much more badass he's become since her death.
%
Jack Bauer takes Cialis to keep his dick down.
%
"Yeah" means "hello", "goodbye", "what's going on?", and "haha" in Jack's vocabulary.
%
The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20%.
%
If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you're fucked.
%
It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
%
If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women
%
Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
%
"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get crabs.  He gets lobsters.
%
The only reason Jack Bauer hasn't killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
%
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
%
For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy's menu costs a dollar.
%
Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
%
Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
%
When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
%
Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vaca...
%
Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
%
When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
%
The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
%
Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
%
The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
%
Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
%
When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
%
When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
%
Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
%
Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
%
At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
%
Jack Bauer's electrical appliances work in European outlets.
%
When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
%
Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
%
Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't work in the interest of national security, the nation is interested in securing it self on Jack's good side.
%
Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
%
Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
%
The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
%
Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
%
When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
%
When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
%
Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
%
Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?
%
When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
%
Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries.  He never needs to recharge.
%
Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin' about, he just didn't know it yet.
%
If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are fucked.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
"Out of Business" is a code name for "that store didn't have the item Jack Bauer wanted to buy from them."

%
Jack Bauer doesn't feel regret. He only feels recoil.
%
Jack Bauer brought balance to the force.
%
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
%
If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer you may be only seconds away from death.
%
Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to "Speak the Fuck up."
%
Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo.  Once he discovered that the  princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds.  The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn't owned a game console since.
%
Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
%
Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.
%
Vegas takes no odds on Jack Bauer versus a terrorist. The chance of the terrorist dying is always 100%.
%
Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
%
Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
%
In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
%
Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
%
Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
%
Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
%
The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
%
Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
%
Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
%
Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
%
Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
%
Audrey couldn't handle the size of Jack's penis, which is why she used Paul's death as an excuse to break up with him.
%
When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
%
To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
%
On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building.  This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart.  Where does Bauer get velociraptors?  A...
%
When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
%
For Valentine’s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
%
Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
%
When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Before Jack Bauer went to Vegas, the slot machine was known as the "two-armed bandit".
%
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella.  Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer uses Binford 6100 Power tools.
%
Jack Bauer has a 5 o clock shadow at 5am.
%
In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
%
The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
%
In grade school, Jack Bauer's teachers gave him apples.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. 
%
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
%
Jack Bauer's nickname is "Taco Bell" because he makes terrorists run for the border.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
%
Jack Bauer's fesces can crush diamonds.
%
Black people shut up when Jack Bauer walks into the movie theater.
%
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.
%
Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
%
Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
%
There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
%
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
%
When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
%
A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
%
When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
%
On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
%
Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
%
Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
%
Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
%
If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
%
Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
%
Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need Viagra. He chooses to ejaculate quickly simply because there's not enough time.
%
When the going gets tough, the tough get Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't tea bag girls, Jack Bauer potato sacks girls.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
%
The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
%
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
%
There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
%
Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
%
When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer. 
%
Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
%
David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
%
Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
%