Acme-24

 view release on metacpan or  search on metacpan

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
%
David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
%
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
%
Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
%
Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
%
Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
%
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
%
Jack Bauer has no hope. He knows that he never has problem he can't handle, regardless of druggings, bullet wounds, hostages and sleep deprivation.
%
When Jack Bauer torrents, everyone seeds.
%
Jack Bauer turns left on red.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason snakes don't have legs.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer was the president, it'd be a one-man administration.
%
Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light.  Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a hand gun. He then shoots Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and 12 terrorists. On average this blood is able to save the lives of 50 newborns.
%
The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer is the Best Man. Who said anything about a wedding?
%
Jack Bauer doesn't ask, he commands.
%
Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
%
In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
%
Jack Bauer was going to be the fifth member of the A-Team but he bailed when he saw that gay van.
%
A Jack Bauer interrogation has been scientifically proven more effective and accurate than the strongest truth serums known to man.
%
In late August of 2005, Jack heard of a terrorist cell operating out of New Orleans.  He took care of it.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
%
The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
%
Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
%
When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
%
Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
%
Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
%
Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
%
Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business & pleasure.
%
Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
%
Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The law is not above Jack Bauer. Not even the Laws of Physics.
%
Jack Bauer entered a building swarming with 167 agents, all of them with protocol to treat him as a hostile. Jack outnumbered them again.
%
Towels run in fear of being shoved down people's throats when Jack Bauer is around.
%
Jack Bauer has banged more moms than the MILF Hunter.
%
When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
%
God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
%
Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
%
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
%
Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
%
Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
%
When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
%
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
%
If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
%
Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
%
Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
%
Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
%
Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
%
When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
%
Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

%
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
%
There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
%
Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
%
When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer. 
%
Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
%
David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
%
Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
%
To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber.  Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
%
When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.  This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglas...

fortune/readme.txt  view on Meta::CPAN

If you want, you can generate the real fortune file
with the following commands:

# strfile -r jackbauer
# cp jackbauer jackbauer.dat /usr/share/fortune/