Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The painting "The Scream" is actually a picture from Jacks camera phone.
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Superman once hid behind Jack Bauer in a fire-fight.
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In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa.  He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone would work even if he was a mile underground beneath the desert in the middle of nowhere... because it knows what's good for it.
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Jack Bauer's first words were, "You've read my file and you know what I’m capable of!", while holding a rattle to his mothers eye. She wouldn't tell him where cookies were.
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The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
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If Jack Bauer told me "I won't let anything happen to you" and then said jump of this bridge, I would do so with no fear in my mind.
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When Jack Bauer went to Bayside High School, he created a band called "Jack Attack".  Screech wasn't let into the band.
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Jack Bauer remembers the last time he heard his father say "stop torturing your brother." It was Monday.
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Jack Bauer don't need no fucking easy button.
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When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he's getting for Christmas.
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Jack Bauer never got picked last in kickball.
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Red Bull gives you wings. Jack Bauer didn't have time to drink it so he shot the bull and took its wings.
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Jack Bauer plays golf without golf clubs. He stands over the ball, stares at it, and scares it into the hole.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need an iPod. His ears play the song he wants to hear.
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For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive.  So he could kill her again.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
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Jack Bauer was the only one to redeem his frequent flyer miles from David Spade.
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Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
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Pandora actually opened Bauer's Box.
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Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer plays checkers he doesn't get kinged, he gets Jack Bauered.
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Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with "Black Power".  
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch TV.  TVs watch Jack Bauer.
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Jackie Chan learnt everything from Jack Bauer. Bruce Lee didn't : He died
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
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Jack Bauer never participated in high school sports. He doesn’t like any game that’s not to the death. 
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There's a bullet out there with Jack Bauer's name on it. Actually, there are millions of them: He has his own signature line.
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What happens when you break Jack Bauer's rib. He takes it and stabs you with it.
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Jack Bauer is the other white meat.
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If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever. 

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer were to screw hot babes (ex. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston, and Paris Hilton.) I can assure you that that their acting careers will no longer prosper due to the fact that they will spend the rest of t...
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Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
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Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
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To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindler’s actual list on fire.
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70% of the Earth is covered by land.  The other 30% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer could hijack a plane with a rubber ducky.
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It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
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Jack Bauer was in Al Capone's vault (he got out).
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It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
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On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."
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As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
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Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
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If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.
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If Jack Bauer had broken into Watergate, Nixon wouldn't have resigned.  As a fringe benefit, there would be no Democrats older than 50 alive today.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
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Jack Bauer won the US Fencing Championship using a sewing needle.
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Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
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Jack Bauer spoke at a "Scared Straight" seminar for juvenile delinquents.  All attendees requested to be transferred directly to jail at age 18. 
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While Jack Bauer does care about the Earth, he has to drive around in an SUV because it's the only thing with enough cargo room for all the bodies.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
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In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
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As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in  the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, "that's no glitch."
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Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are:  Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
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When Jack Bauer says, "I think he broke a couple of ribs," it roughly translates to, "Hmmm, that kind of stung."
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Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
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The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that's only because he didn't get to torture her beforehand.
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Jack Bauer doesn't swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn't be fair to them.
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Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death.  Death is afraid of Jack.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
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Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
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A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
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The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
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Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
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Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
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Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
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Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
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Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
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The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The greatest trick Jack Bauer ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. 
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Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
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Don’t tell Bill Paxton, but Jack Bauer actually has the Heart of the Ocean.
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If Jack Bauer says he would tell you but he'd have to kill you, he'll probably kill you anyway.
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Jack Bauer is dead on the inside, so that you can be alive on the outside.
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If Jack Bauer says: "I need a hack saw..."  get him a hack saw.  And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack's about to cut into... He'll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
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The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.

The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.

Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
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Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
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Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it. 
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Someone once said "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuckk the prom queen" Jack fucked the prom queen. Twice.
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Jack Bauer's Rice Krispies make no noise. Snap, Crackle and Pop were too noisy for him to complete his breakfast mission.
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The only time we'd ever have to fear the French Army is if Jack Bauer became a French Citizen.
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Jack Bauer knows "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days". He kills them.
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Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
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Jack Bauer can win the world series of poker without being dealt a hand.
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Jack Bauer once shot a Terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 
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Jack Bauer forced Mother Theresa to confess to several crimes.
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Jack Bauer doesn’t sweat, sweat sweats Jack Bauer.
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McDonalds does not love to see Jack Bauer smile.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
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Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
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There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
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Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
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Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
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When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
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Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
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Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer, in order to escape a terrorist trap, once ate his own left hand. When he got out, a new hand, a machine gun, and six bears grew back in its place.
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Why else do they call it JACKing off?
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Jack Bauer impregnated his wife by ejaculating on his bullets and firing them into her womb.
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When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
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Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
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Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
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Jack Bauer tortures foreigners into speaking in english.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
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Nerve gas doesn't harm Jack Bauer, it simply gets on his nerves.
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If you click on "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" Jack Bauer will hunt you down and demonstrate what he can do.
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As a boy for his birthday Jack Bauer's parents showed him how to play the game pin the bullet to the head. He hasn't stopped playing it since.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
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Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
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Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
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Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
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If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
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If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
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The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
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Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
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There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.