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lib/Bot/BasicBot/Pluggable/Module/Excuse.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies
The vendor put the bug there.
SIMM crosstalk.
IRQ dropout
Collapsed Backbone
Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment
operators on strike due to broken coffee machine
backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD
UPS interrupted the server's power
The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.
The keyboard isn't plugged in
The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room
The electricity substation in the car park blew up.
The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out
The salesman drove over the CPU board.
The monitor is plugged into the serial port
Root nameservers are out of sync
electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.
your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes.
the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa.
the printer thinks its a router.
the router thinks its a printer.
evil hackers from Serbia.
we just switched to FDDI.
halon system went off and killed the operators.
because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day.
user to computer ratio too high.
user to computer ration too low.
we just switched to Sprint.
it has Intel Inside
Sticky bits on disk.
Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor
The ring needs another token
new management
telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused
SCSI Chain overterminated
It's not plugged in.
because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch
You put the disk in upside down.
Daemons loose in system.
User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI.
BNC (brain not connected)
UBNC (user brain not connected)
LBNC (luser brain not connected)
disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.
new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.
had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.
Too few computrons available.
Flat tire on station wagon with tapes.  ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tannenbaum) 
Communications satellite used by the military for star wars.
Party-bug in the Aloha protocol.
Insert coin for new game
Dew on the telephone lines.
Arcserve crashed the server again.
Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.
My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.
Big to little endian conversion error
You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)
Dumb terminal
Zombie processes haunting the computer
Incorrect time synchronization
Defunct processes
Stubborn processes
non-redundant fan failure 
monitor VLF leakage
bugs in the RAID
no "any" key on keyboard
root rot
Backbone Scoliosis
/pub/lunch
excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances
le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?
broadcast packets on wrong frequency
popper unable to process jumbo kernel
NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full
pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal
Recursive traversal of loopback mount points
Backbone adjustment
OS swapped to disk
vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives
sticktion
short leg on process table
multicasts on broken packets
ether leak
Atilla the Hub
endothermal recalibration
filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch
loop found in loop in redundant loopback
system consumed all the paper for paging
permission denied
Reformatting Page. Wait...
..disk or the processor is on fire.
SCSI's too wide.
Proprietary Information.
Just type 'mv * /dev/null'.
runaway cat on system.
Did you pay the new Support Fee?
We only support a 1200 bps connection.
We only support a 28000 bps connection.
Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.
I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.
Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.
the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity.
The monitor needs another box of pixels.
RPC_PMAP_FAILURE
kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.
Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.
Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines."
Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors
Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-trafficker
We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse.  Unfortunately, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us.
Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us.
Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)
We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.
Lightning strikes.
Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade.
Change your language to Finnish.
Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.
High nuclear activity in your area.
What office are you in? Oh, that one.  Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, aren't you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried!
The MGs ran out of gas.

lib/Bot/BasicBot/Pluggable/Module/Excuse.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

Program load too heavy for processor to lift.
Processes running slowly due to weak power supply
Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems
We've run out of licenses
Interference from lunar radiation
Standing room only on the bus.
You need to install an RTFM interface.
That would be because the software doesn't work.
That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered.
Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too.
We're upgrading /dev/null
The Usenet news is out of date
Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.
It's stuck in the Web.
Your modem doesn't speak English.
The mouse escaped.
All of the packets are empty.
The UPS is on strike.
Neutrino overload on the nameserver
Melting hard drives
Someone has messed up the kernel pointers
The kernel license has expired
Netscape has crashed
The cord jumped over and hit the power switch.
It was OK before you touched it.
Bit rot
U.S. Postal Service
Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad.
The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotated.
The static electricity routing is acting up...
Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone.  It's not our problem.
The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.
High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it.
Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening
Electrons on a bender
Telecommunications is upgrading. 
Telecommunications is downgrading.
Telecommunications is downshifting.
Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own...
Interference between the keyboard and the chair.
The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.
Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.
We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.
You must've hit the wrong any key.
PCMCIA slave driver
The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.
The hardware bus needs a new token.
Too many interrupts
Not enough interrupts
The data on your hard drive is out of balance.
Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters
appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem
microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system
fractal radiation jamming the backbone
routing problems on the neural net
IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply
CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road
emissions from GSM-phones
CD-ROM server needs recalibration
firewall needs cooling
asynchronous inode failure
transient bus protocol violation
incompatible bit-registration operators
your process is not ISO 9000 compliant
You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.
The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing
Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic)
Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on.
Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.
Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet.
You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.
Scheduled global CPU outage
Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn off your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?)
Your processor has processed too many instructions.  Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!!
Your packets were eaten by the terminator
Your processor does not develop enough heat.
We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room.
The POP server is out of Coke
Fiber optics caused gas main leak
Server depressed, needs Prozac
quantum decoherence
those damn raccoons!
suboptimal routing experience
A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged
50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files
the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference
the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solstice
the butane lighter causes the pincushioning
old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes
manager in the cable duct
We'll fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).
HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here
HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power
The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes.  We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?
Network failure -  call NBC
Having to manually track the satellite.
Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.
The rubber band broke
We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose.
Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.
paradigm shift...without a clutch
PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
The cables are not the same length.
Second-system effect.
Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c
Boredom in the Kernel.
the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!
I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer. 
struck by the Good Times virus
YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error
Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.
Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.
Plasma conduit breach
Out of cards on drive D:
Sand fleas eating the Internet cables
parallel processors running perpendicular today
ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect
Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.
Failure to adjust for daylight savings time.
Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins.
Virus due to computers having unsafe sex.