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lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

				"$v was secretly one of $g";
			},
			sub {
				my $animal = real_animal( $redstring );
				"when they did an autopsy on $v it turned out they were secretly a $animal in a human suit";
			},
		);
	}

	if ( my $v = $redstring->{physicist} // $redstring->{biologist} ) {
		push @x, (
			"$v isn't mentioned in Aristotle's writing",
			"$v hasn't given a lecture in months",
			"$v isn't taken seriously by TRUE SCIENTISTS",
		);
	}

	if ( my $c = $redstring->{celebrity} ) {
		if ( $c->{female} ) {
			push @x, (
				"you can't trust women",
				"she said so on her Twitter",
			);
		}
		else {
			push @x, (
				"you can't trust men",
				"he said so on his Twitter",
			);
		}
	}

	if ( my $f = $redstring->{fiction} ) {
		
		push @x, (
			$f->{title} . " has secret messages encoded in it with numerology",
			$f->{title} . " is satanic",
			sub {
				my $g = shady_group( $redstring );
				my $has = splural( $redstring->{shady_group} ) ? 'have' : 'has';
				$f->{author} . " $has ties to $g";
			},
			sub {
				my $b = bad_place( $redstring );
				$f->{author} . " got taken to $b for questioning";
			},
		);
		
		if ( my $p = $redstring->{random_place} ) {
			push @x, (
				$f->{author} . " had a secret home in $p",
				$f->{author} . " was secretly born in $p",
			);
		}
	}
	
	if ( my $animal = $redstring->{real_animal} // $redstring->{fake_animal} ) {
		push @x, (
			"the $animal wasn't mentioned in the Bible",
			"the $animal was mentioned in the Satanic Verses",
			"the $animal looks kind of weird",
			"nobody has ever seen a $animal in real life",
			"the $animal obviously isn't native to this planet",
			sub { "${ \ shady_group($redstring) } sacrifice $animal${\'s'} to ${ \ dark_lord($redstring) }" },
			"the $animal looks bigger in real life",
			"the $animal makes a funny noise",
			"Alex Jones did a podcast about the $animal",
		);
	}
	
	if ( my $mc = $redstring->{mind_control_device} ) {
		my $time = a_long_time();
		my $mcp = $redstring->{mind_control_device_plural};
		my $is = 'is';
		my $has = 'has';
		my $was = 'was';
		if ($mcp) {
			$is = 'are';
			$has = 'have';
			$was = 'were';
		}
		push @x, (
			"everybody knows $mc $is real",
			sub { "$mc $has been researched by ${ \ shady_group($redstring) } $time" },
			sub { "$mc $was used to conceal ${ \ shady_group($redstring) } $time" },
			sub { "$mc $was used to infiltrate ${ \ shady_group($redstring) }" },
		);
	}

	if ( my $ft = $redstring->{future_time} ) {
		push @x, (
			"some of the few people still alive $ft time-travelled back to tell us",
			"the people still alive $ft sent us hidden messages in ${ \ fiction() }",
			"it will all become clear $ft",
		);
	}

	if ( my $d = $redstring->{disease} ) {
		push @x, (
			"patients with $d keep disappearing from hospitals",
			"patients with $d are being silenced by the government",
			"doctors working on $d are being killed",
			"$d probably isn't even a real disease",
			"nobody has ever died of $d",
		);
	}

	if ( my $f = $redstring->{food} ) {
		push @x, (
			"$f don't taste like they used to",
			"$f smell funny",
			"$f make me feel sick",
			"I don't like $f",
		);
	}

	if ( my $chem = $redstring->{chemicals} ) {
		push @x, (
			"$chem isn't on the periodic table",
			"$chem isn't real",
			"$chem isn't natural",
			"you'd have to be stupid to think $chem is real",
		);
	}