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lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

		},
		sub {
			my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
			$redstring->{protagonists} = $redstring->{shady_group};
			
			my $physicist = physicist( $redstring );
			
			my $fact = _RANDOM_(
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'bathroom scales', plural => 1 };
					'electrons have more mass than protons';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'weighing scales', plural => 1 };
					"protons don't have mass";
				},
				sub {
					my $things = _RANDOM_( 'electrons', 'protons' );
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => $things, plural => 1 };
					"$things are not real particles, they are just the terminal lines of a dielectric pulse";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'water', plural => 0 };
					'water is its own element';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'geocentrism', plural => 0 };
					'the sun goes round the Earth';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the moon', plural => 0 };
					'the moon is a hologram';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'camembert', plural => 0 };
					'the moon is made of cheese';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the man in the moon', plural => 0 };
					'the man in the moon is a real man';
				},
				sub {
					my $chem = chemicals( $redstring );
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the periodic table', plural => 0 };
					"element 119 is $chem";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'air', plural => 0 };
					"air isn't real";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'vacuum cleaners', plural => 0 };
					"space isn't a vacuum because then it would suck all the air";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the firmament', plural => 0 };
					"there is a dome over the flat Earth";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Satan', plural => 0 };
					'the axis of evil in the cosmic microwave background was put there by Satan';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the zodiac', plural => 0 };
					'astrology has been scientifically verified';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the year of the dragon', plural => 0 };
					'the Chinese zodiac can predict the future';
				},
			);
			
			my $solution = _UCFIRST_ _RANDOM_(
				"They paid $group to kill him.",
				"$group helped cover up the truth.",
				"$group threatened to kill him to keep him quiet.",
				"He was a member of $group so they knew he would keep quiet.",
				"$group arranged a convenient \"accident\".",
			);
			
			my $destruction = _RANDOM_(
				"all of modern physics",
				'our understanding of the universe',
				"the Big Bang 'theory'",
				"Einstein's theory of relativity",
			);
			
			_UCFIRST_ "$physicist discovered that $fact but the scientific establishment is suppressing it because it would destroy $destruction. $solution";
		},
		sub {
			my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
			$redstring->{protagonists} = $redstring->{shady_group};
			
			my $biologist = biologist( $redstring );
			
			my $fact = _RANDOM_(
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'pandas', plural => 1 };
					'pandas are really just fat raccoons';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'spaghetti', plural => 1 };
					"spaghetti is a type of worm";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{celebrity} //= { name => 'Louis Armstrong', female => 0 };
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'snakes', plural => 1 };
					"snakes like jazz music";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{real_place} //= 'Antarctica';
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'penguins', plural => 1 };
					"penguins can fly but they get nervous when people are watching";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'DNA', plural => 0 };
					"the 10 commandments are encoded in human DNA";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'essential oils', plural => 1 };
					"essential oils cure all diseases";