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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs he will kill you that much faster.
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Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson's body.
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Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
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Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.

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Jack Bauer doesn't pay prostitutes. Prostitues pay Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can lock a key in it's drawer.
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When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
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Jack Bauer killed Bambi's mother. And then he ate her. Raw.
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Jack Bauer was almost infected with the AIDS virus.  Instead, he gave AIDS Ebola.
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During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer.  Naturally, he got an A+.
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Rudolph the red nosed reindeer… did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
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When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
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If God was one of us, He would be Jack Bauer.
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In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
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Jack Bauer can save money on his car insurance without calling Geico.
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Jack Bauer only seeks medical attention when his erections last fewer than four hours.
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After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, "Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
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Jack Bauer killed the person who claimed to be "The Man".  Jack Bauer then insisted that people who think they are sweet refer to themselves as "Jack Bauer".
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The FAA didn't put stronger locks on the cockpit doors, they just put a picture of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not use condoms. He does not need to. His sperm is so fast and strong they would simultaneously fertilize and destroy any egg.  
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Marines are often refered to as Alpha Company because they begin things. Jack Bauer is known as Omega Company because he ends them.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
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The "Burning Bush" was Jack Bauer telling Moses what to do.
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Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted.  Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
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Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper's last words were "The student has become the master". 
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Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men's heads explode.
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I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
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7 may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7's kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
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Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
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When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run.  But you'll only die tired.
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Jack Bauer doesn't diffuse bombs. He calls it a "Son of a Bitch" and scares the bomb shitless.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
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If Jack Bauer was in the Garden of Eden, there would be no women -- not even God can get close enough to take Jack Bauer's rib.
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If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.
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Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health.  The fifth doctor couldn't be found for comment. 
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The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
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Jack Bauer is the reason the Homeland Security rating was lowered from red, back down to yellow. It would have been green, however it still is very dangerous being around Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland on TV, needless to say Jack Bauer is the world's greatest actor.
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For 24: The Game, (PS2) there will be three levels of difficulty; Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer.
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If a tree falls in the forest, it’s because Jack Bauer wants it down.
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Jack Bauer's morning wood is strong enough to support a building.
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While imprisoned in China, they made him play Russian Roulette with a shot gun.  Jack won.
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After each day of saving the world, Jack visits the cemetery to leave a bouquet of flowers at Teri's grave and empty a clip into Nina's.
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Every guy that dates Jack's daughter Kim looses a limb.  Coincidence?  I think not.
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Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
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If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat steak, he eats cows.
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If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
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Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
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The song 'Stairway To Heaven' is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims. 

Recently it has been changed to 'Escalator to heaven'.
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Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
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Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.