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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer gets five downs.
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After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
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If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
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Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
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Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
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Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
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Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
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"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
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75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
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Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
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A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
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Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
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For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
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Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
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Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
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Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
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Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
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When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.
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Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
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Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
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Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
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Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
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When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
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Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
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When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
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Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
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When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
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If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
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Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you. 
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Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell's Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
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Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
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Jack Bauer cried in his car like a little girl. However he killed 782 people before this and therefore is a man.
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Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
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When humans trip on acid, it alters their perceptions of reality. When Jack Bauer trips on acid, it alters reality.
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If you're Jack Bauer's boss, you probably won't be when the day is over.
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When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn't call for backup; he calls a coroner.
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Jack Bauer can make the fun stop after popping open a can of Pringles.
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Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
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When you get a collect call from Jack Bauer the operator doesn't even bother to ask if you accept the charges.
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The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.  
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Osama asked for a truce because he heard Jack Bauer got his address.. and is coming for dinner.
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If Jack Bauer had killed Jesus, there never would have been a resurrection.
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Once, Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
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JB is the most dangerous element on the periodic table of elements.
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Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.
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Texas doesn't mess with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
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When Jack Bauer goes to Baskin Robbins, he chooses from any flavor he wants.  No one limits Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer wrote the "Davinci Code". Not the stupid book, but the actual code.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a belt.  He demands that his pants stay up.
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Killing is Jack Bauer's anti-drug.
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Jack Bauer was removed from Counter-strike by Valve because the counter-terrorists always won. Always.
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For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer doesn't give you a candies shaped like a heart,  He gives you your Ex's heart.
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Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
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GO passes Jack Bauer to give him 200 dollars.
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Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Never bring Jack Bauer into your home. You will be arrested for possesion of a weapon of mass destruction.
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Jack Bauers' bowels don't move. He sits on the toilet and scares the shit out of himself.
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Due to his inability to get drunk off anything other than the misplaced trust of those weaker than himself, Jack Bauer has been the undisputed CTU beer pong champion for the last twelve years.
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The first piece of luggage to appear on the baggage carousel belongs to Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer cooks his three minute flapjacks in two minutes.
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Jack Bauer can eat hotwings without napkins.
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Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him. 
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When Jack Bauer talks in his sleep, he sets precedents for the Supreme Court.
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When Tony Montana said "Say hello to my little friend," he meant Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a "little" goes a long way.
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Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
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Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
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Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
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Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
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Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him. 
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Jack Bauer never lets go of your Eggo.
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Jack Bauer can smell carbon mononxide.
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The Swiss Army Knife MacGuyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.
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The Ghostbusters call Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.  
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Gas prices in California never rise for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer didn't need a hacksaw.  He just didn't feel like ripping Marshall Goren's head off with his bare hands.
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Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, "I give you my word damn it we're running out of time son of a bitch" but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
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When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist's neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, "Man, I finally got to fuckin' eat."
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Jack Bauer doesn't cut paper. He just angrily yells at it until it cuts itself into the shape he desires.
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Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.
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Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
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Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country.  How patriotic are you?
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In Season 3 Jack Bauer "distracted" an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can.  He then shot the man anyway.
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Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
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There are only 2 types of people in the world:
• Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
• Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will  eventually die as a result.
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Jack Bauer once appeared in a Staples commercial... he broke the easy button because everything comes easy to Jack Bauer.
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If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper.  He uses terrorists.
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Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.
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Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
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Derek Zoolander once told Jack Bauer he was going to show him "Magnum". Jack misunderstood. There hasn't been a Zoolander 2.
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Jack Bauer once killed a Muslim and took his towel to wipe the sweat off his balls.
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Jack Bauer is the only person who can actually knock you into next week.
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A bird in hand is better than two in the bush. Jack Bauer never heard this before. He ate all three birds.
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When Kim Bauer killed her first terrorist, Jack Bauer shed a single tear. The tear was so salty that it caused eleven other terrorists in the nearby region to have a stroke. They died instantly.
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When Jack Bauer gets cold he takes more clothes off.
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When Jack Bauer was finished interrogating Chuck Norris, Chuck was pregnant.
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Jack Bauer could hit 73 homeruns without using steroids, and he'd do it in 24 hours.
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All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was the only cast member of 24 who didn't get invited to Sony's 24: The Game premier party.  Sony was afraid their insurance would not be able to cover the deaths of all the other game players.
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Jack Bauer is Macguyver's wet dream.
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Jack Bauer made the sun change direction because it was in his eyes.

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Jack Bauer speaks 37 languages simultaneously.
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The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
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The proverb "Do unto others..." does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
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When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear the sound, Jack Bauer hears it.
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The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they'll get Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".


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Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 
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The author of A Million Little Pieces's was ironicly found in a million little peices last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
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When Darth Vader memorably uttered, "Impressive, Most Impressive", he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
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I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
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Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
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In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.  
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Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
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Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs.  The old SATs.
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Most people sleep with both eyes closed.  Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open.  As for Jack Bauer... he doesn't sleep at all.  Sleep is for the weak.
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Executions by lethal injection are carried out using Jack Bauer's semen.
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In space no one can hear you scream, no one except Jack Bauer.
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Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
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Jack Bauer has never lost The Game. Jack Bauer invented The Game
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Jack Bauer knows why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.
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Jack Bauer's favorite air freshener scent is "vanilla napalm".
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Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
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Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
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On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko. 
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When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
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Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
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Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
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At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
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Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
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If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
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Jack Bauer actually found two identical snowflakes.
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Jack Bauer's swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle.
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The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
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Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
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Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
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The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
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When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
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Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
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When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
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When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
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Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
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Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
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At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.
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Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
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Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
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What is the sound of one hand clapping? The *smack* of Jack Bauer's open hand across the face of some hysterical woman in the middle of a crisis.
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The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill. 
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Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
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Freddy and Jason disappointed millions of fans when their fight ended up in a tie. Little do these fans know, the winner was supposed to face Jack Bauer.
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Paul Raines didn't die from his injuries.  He died of pure amazement when he saw the one and only Jack Bauer trying  resuscitate him.
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Jesus once turned water into wine.  Jack Bauer beat him to the brink of death for threatening the world's water supply and then demanded to know who he was working for.
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The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
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Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
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Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.
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Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
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Jack Bauer's daughter is very hot.
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When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way.  The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
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Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
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Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
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Jack Bauer's electrical appliances work in European outlets.
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When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
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Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
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Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work in the interest of national security, the nation is interested in securing it self on Jack's good side.
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Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
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Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
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The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
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Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?
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When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
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Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries.  He never needs to recharge.
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Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin' about, he just didn't know it yet.
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If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are fucked.
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Jack Bauer is mentioned in the Bible 24 times.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tie his shoelaces.  He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
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In season 3, Michelle was immune to the virus. This is because later that day she had a quickie with Jack Bauer in situation room 1.
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Jack Bauer was once at a club and was asked if he could break dance.  Minutes later the dance floor was littered with broken bodies.
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Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he fucking wants.
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Jack Bauer is the reason death rate in LA is so high.
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Many people don't realize that "Bauer" is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!"
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"Out of Business" is a code name for "that store didn't have the item Jack Bauer wanted to buy from them."

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Jack Bauer doesn't feel regret. He only feels recoil.
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Jack Bauer brought balance to the force.
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Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
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If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer you may be only seconds away from death.
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Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to "Speak the Fuck up."
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Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo.  Once he discovered that the  princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds.  The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn't owned a game console since.
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Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
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Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.
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Vegas takes no odds on Jack Bauer versus a terrorist. The chance of the terrorist dying is always 100%.
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Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
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Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a stunt double.  Stunt doubles use Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer showers in acid rain.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take a dump.  He leaves it.
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Jack's favorite game show is Jeopardy, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.
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Direct eye contact with Jack Bauer is not advised, unless you do not fear death. In that case, prepare to die.
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Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
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Jack Bauer can tie his own straight jacket.
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Because of Jack Bauer, car dealers now offer customers an optional handle in which terrorists can be tied to while being tortured.
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Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.
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Jack Bauer stole lunch money from the bully.
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No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
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The only reason the energizer bunny keeps going and going is because Jack Bauer is on its tail.
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Jack Baur once cured a child of down syndrome.  He beat the extra gene out of him.
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China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction:  Jack Bauer.
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Many ask what happened to Beruz in season 4.  To Jack Bauer the day is a game, and if you leave the designated area without the blessing of Jack you get erased from existence.
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LA recently instituted a new city beautification program.  They painted a giant picture of Jack Bauer's face covering the whole city.  Now LA's birds are all gone because nothing shits on Jack Bauer and lives.
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Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated,  but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

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Jack Bauer stole the cookie from the cookie jar.  And then he shot you for asking him about it.
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Jack Bauer's Guidance Counselor once asked him what he wanted to do with his life. Bauer told him what his plans were for life after high school, but then he had to kill him.
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Jack Bauer can fit 21GB on a 20GB Ipod.
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When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.
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Jack Bauer bites the bed bugs.
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When Kim's 4th grade teacher threatened her with detention if she didn't finish her homework, Jack Bauer shot him between the eyes.  Jack Bauer doesn't like threats.  
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When playing baseball Jack Bauer always gets a walk because he has four balls at all times.
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The Drill Sergeant speech in "Full Metal Jacket," was actually based on Jack Bauer's first communion poetry reading.
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The earth rotates because it's trying to run from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the fucking news.
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Jack Bauer was the first person to ever pass Duck Hunt.
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God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If you click on "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" Jack Bauer will hunt you down and demonstrate what he can do.
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As a boy for his birthday Jack Bauer's parents showed him how to play the game pin the bullet to the head. He hasn't stopped playing it since.
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Jack Bauer causes tsunamis when he does a cannonball. 
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Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
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Jack Bauer's fesces can crush diamonds.
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Black people shut up when Jack Bauer walks into the movie theater.
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Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.
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Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
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Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
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There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
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If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
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Jack Bauer's favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
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When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
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A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
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When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
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On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
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Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
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Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
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If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
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Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
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Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need Viagra. He chooses to ejaculate quickly simply because there's not enough time.
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When the going gets tough, the tough get Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tea bag girls, Jack Bauer potato sacks girls.
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Since Jack Bauer and Kobe Bryant live in Los Angeles, they commonly switch jobs. What else could explain "Kobe" scoring 81 points.
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If Jack Bauer was in Independance Day it would have been called The 1st of July.
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Jack Bauer was in last years season of "Skating with Celebrities".  The show never aired because he hid in the air ducts, then killed everyone and faked his own death.
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"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
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Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
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Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
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Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
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If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
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If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
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The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
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Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
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There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
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When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
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David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
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Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
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To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber.  Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
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When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.  This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglas...
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Jack Bauer once poked the Pillsbury Doughboy, it died.
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Mya Driscoll didn't commit suicide. The lesson: Don't fire Jack Bauer.


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Jack Bauer shaves the sights off his guns, they get in his way when he is trying to shoot.
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If there is one thing Jack Bauer hates as much as terrorists, it's protocol.
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Jack bauer know's where the beef is.
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Jack Bauer can break eleven fingers at once, good thing you only have ten.
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Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
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There's only one man Jack Bauer can trust, and no it's not Tony Almeda.  It's Jack Bauer, of course.
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Jack Bauer could make the Knicks reach the playoffs.
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If Jack Bauer ever runs for president, he will be the first person in history to ever have 100% of the votes.
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