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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
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Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
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Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
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The Ice Age only occured because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
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Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
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Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
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Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
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Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
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Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
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Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
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G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
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Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
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There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
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In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
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Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
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Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective.  The result was Jack Bauer.
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Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
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Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
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If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
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Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T were once stuck in a room.  The combination of Pitting Fools, Roundhouse Kicks and Terrorist Killing ability created a tear in the fabric of space time.  The end result was Stephen Harper winning the Canadian Elect...
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Normally the flight from Los Angeles to New York takes 7 hours, but when Jack Bauer is on the plane, it only takes 15 minutes because there's not enough time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't play "Sorry". He plays "you're going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer". 
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Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
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Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him.  Jack shot him because he said "good luck", which implied the possibility of failure.
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Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.
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Jack Bauer hits Grand Slams with no one on base.
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Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer gets five downs.
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After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
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If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
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Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
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Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
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Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
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Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
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"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
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75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
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Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
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A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
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Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
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For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
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Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
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Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
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Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
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Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
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When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.
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Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
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Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
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Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
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Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
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When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
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Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
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When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
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Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
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When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
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If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Fact: Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time.  Draw your own conclusions.
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When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn't fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
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It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
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Jack Bauer didn't save money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. The gecko is now an endangered species.
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When Jack Bauer orders a pizza with toppings, he gets pepperoni and glass. 

He picks off the pepperoni.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lie.  He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
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Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.  
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If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
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When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
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When someone on the airplane yelled "Hi Jack," Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him.  Lesson: Don't talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
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Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
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The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
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There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
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You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
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Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
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Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.
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When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.
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Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
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Nothing can get in between Jack fucking Bauer. Except for the word "fucking".
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a working watch, he only has a timer that is set on 15 minute intervals. Thus, he always assumes he is running out of time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
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Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
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If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
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Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
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Moses parted the Red Sea. The Red Sea would part for Jack.
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Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
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Jack Bauer framed Roger Rabbit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need money, "I give you my word," is enough.
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When Jack Bauer makes love, he does it with a knife to your throat.

Just to be safe.
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On April 15, the IRS pays taxes to Jack Bauer.
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Never bring Jack Bauer into your home. You will be arrested for possesion of a weapon of mass destruction.
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Jack Bauers' bowels don't move. He sits on the toilet and scares the shit out of himself.
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Due to his inability to get drunk off anything other than the misplaced trust of those weaker than himself, Jack Bauer has been the undisputed CTU beer pong champion for the last twelve years.
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The first piece of luggage to appear on the baggage carousel belongs to Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer cooks his three minute flapjacks in two minutes.
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Jack Bauer can eat hotwings without napkins.
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Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him. 
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When Jack Bauer talks in his sleep, he sets precedents for the Supreme Court.
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When Tony Montana said "Say hello to my little friend," he meant Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a "little" goes a long way.
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Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
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Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
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Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
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Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
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Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him. 
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Jack Bauer never lets go of your Eggo.
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Jack Bauer can smell carbon mononxide.
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The Swiss Army Knife MacGuyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.
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The Ghostbusters call Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.  
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Gas prices in California never rise for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer didn't need a hacksaw.  He just didn't feel like ripping Marshall Goren's head off with his bare hands.
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Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, "I give you my word damn it we're running out of time son of a bitch" but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
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When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist's neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, "Man, I finally got to fuckin' eat."
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Jack Bauer doesn't cut paper. He just angrily yells at it until it cuts itself into the shape he desires.
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Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.