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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
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Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
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My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
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Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
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Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
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You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
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Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

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Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
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Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
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In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
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The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
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Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
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GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
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When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
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Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
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The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
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Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
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So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
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Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
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In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
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When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
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The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
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Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
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If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
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When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
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Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
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Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
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Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
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Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
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Jack Bauer hates casual conversation.  He prefers bullets.
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Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
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Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  
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Hammertime was actually derived from Bauertime. No one can touch Jack Bauer.
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You wouldn't think Jack Bauer could shove this towel down your throat, but he can.
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Jack Bauer wants to know, "Who are all of these fucking camera men!?" 
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Jack Bauer is not required to wash his hands before returning to work.  Germs cannot survive in Jack Bauer's hands. 
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Micheal Jackson's face is was not the work of plastic surgeons. It was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer did not invent the term "bad ass."  He just tortured the guy who did till he gave him the copyright.
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Jack Bauer successfully went over Niagara Falls without a barrel.
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By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't believe in testing cosmetics on animals, he prefers terrorists.
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Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
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Jack Bauer once stared at a total solar eclipse.  He didn't go blind, but the world plunged into darkness.
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Only Jack Bauer can stop forest fires.
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Whenever Emeril says ‘Bam’ – he is referring to another kill by Jack Bauer.
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Roosters crow in the morning after Jack Bauer wakes them.
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You can now abolish the IRS by having them audit Jack Bauer.
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If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter.  If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
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President Logan is not scared because he knows the terrorits are threatening America. He is scared because he knows Jack Bauer can take over anytime he wants.
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Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
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When Jack was just a young boy, he was held at gunpoint by a  terrorist. He escaped by looking him in the eye and laughing, melting his brain. That laughter broke into a million tiny pieces, and that is where fairies come from.
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John McCain only has no problem with torturing detainees just as long as it's Jack Bauer doing the torturing.
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Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.