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When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers.  Jack Bauer is the only hero.
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When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
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The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but  Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
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Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."
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Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
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During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
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Only Jack Bauer's sperm could create something so hot as Elisha Cuthbert.
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Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
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Jack Bauer got all the Noble Gases to bond together.
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Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
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CTU was originally comprised of one man: Jack Bauer. He decided to let other people work there too, but only because he wanted to help lower unemployment rates. He doesn't need the help, thank you very much.
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Jack Bauer is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman. Thanks to Nina Meyers, no one understands him.
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Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer.  He passed.  It was too violent.
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When women are around Jack Bauer, they don't menstruate - out of fear.
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With Jack Bauer, Halloween is every day. Because when somebody tricks Jacks, he'll get a painful treat.
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The spoon that Neo is convinced does not exist, is daily used by Jack Bauer to eat his cereal.
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David Blain held his breath for 7 minutes underwater, James Heller did it for 3 hours.
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Bedbugs tell their kids not to let Jack Bauer bite when they put them to bed.
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The I before E except after C rule can trace its origins to Kiefer.
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Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wipe his butt. Shit is afraid to hang around any longer than absolutely neccesary.
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When Gotham City is in trouble and needs Batman, they use the Bat signal to call Batman, when Los Angeles and the rest of the U.S. is in trouble, they use the mushroom cloud as the Bauer signal to call Jack.
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Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother's head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.
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Jack Bauer freed the slaves.
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When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.
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You better trust Jack Bauer, cause you don't want to go down that road with him.
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If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, it's because Jack Bauer is bending him over.
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Jack Bauer changed the number of the beast to 667.
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The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
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To Jack Bauer, the "quicker, picker upper" is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
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Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
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Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
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Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 
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Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
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Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
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If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
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Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
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Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you’re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can get a McRib any time he wants. That "For a limited time" bullshit doesn't apply to him.
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The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
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When Jack Bauer was a major league umpire, the final score was 1,241 - 994. Jack Bauer makes sure everyone is safe.
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Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
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Wayne Gretzky is 'The Great One' because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.
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A good looking man once challenged Jack Bauer to a boxing match.  That man is Sam Cassell.
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Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use condoms for birth control, he uses guns.
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Jack Bauer is not CTU. Jack Bauer will come and get you himself.
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Jack Bauer won a fight with Ditka.
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Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
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Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
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When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
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Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
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Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT's. The old SAT's.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
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Jack Bauer's HIV positive. Nobody screws Jack Bauer and lives.
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If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
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Barry Bonds was on steroids.  Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
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While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
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Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.