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AWS-ARN
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. The
General Public License applies to the Free Software Foundation's
software and to any other program whose authors commit to using it.
You can use it for your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Specifically, the General Public License is designed to make
sure that you have the freedom to give away or sell copies of free
software, that you receive source code or can get it if you want it,
that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new free
programs; and that you know you can do these things.
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and
disclaimer of warranty; keep intact all the notices that refer to this
General Public License and to the absence of any warranty; and give any
other recipients of the Program a copy of this General Public License
along with the Program. You may charge a fee for the physical act of
transferring a copy.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of
it, and copy and distribute such modifications under the terms of Paragraph
1 above, provided that you also do the following:
that there is no warranty (or else, saying that you provide a
warranty) and that users may redistribute the program under these
conditions, and telling the user how to view a copy of this General
Public License.
d) You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a
copy, and you may at your option offer warranty protection in
exchange for a fee.
Mere aggregation of another independent work with the Program (or its
derivative) on a volume of a storage or distribution medium does not bring
c) accompany it with the information you received as to where the
corresponding source code may be obtained. (This alternative is
allowed only for noncommercial distribution and only if you
received the program in object code or executable form alone.)
Source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable file, complete source code means
all the source code for all modules it contains; but, as a special
exception, it need not include source code for modules which are standard
libraries that accompany the operating system on which the executable
file runs, or for standard header files or definitions files that
AWS-CLI-Config
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
lib/AWS/CLI/Config.pm view on Meta::CPAN
Fetches information from the credential file if it exists. You can optionally
specify the profile as the first argument.
=head2 config (Str)
Fetches information from the config file if it exists. If you need to override
the default path of this file, use the C<$ENV{AWS_CONFIG_FILE}> variable.
You can optionally specify the profile as the first argument.
=head2 Automatic accessors
AWS-CLIWrapper
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
region => $region,
opt => \@opt,
json => JSON->new,
param => \%param,
awscli_path => $param{awscli_path} || 'aws',
croak_on_error => !!$param{croak_on_error},
timeout => (defined $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_TIMEOUT}) ? $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_TIMEOUT} : 30,
}, $class;
return $self;
}
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
};
}
return $AWSCLI_VERSION;
}
sub catch_error_pattern {
my ($self) = @_;
return $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_PATTERN}
if defined $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_PATTERN};
return $self->{param}->{catch_error_pattern}
if defined $self->{param}->{catch_error_pattern};
return;
}
sub catch_error_retries {
my ($self) = @_;
my $retries = defined $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_RETRIES}
? $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_RETRIES}
: defined $self->{param}->{catch_error_retries}
? $self->{param}->{catch_error_retries}
: $DEFAULT_CATCH_ERROR_RETRIES;
$retries = $DEFAULT_CATCH_ERROR_RETRIES if $retries < 0;
return $retries;
}
sub catch_error_min_delay {
my ($self) = @_;
my $min_delay = defined $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_MIN_DELAY}
? $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_MIN_DELAY}
: defined $self->{param}->{catch_error_min_delay}
? $self->{param}->{catch_error_min_delay}
: $DEFAULT_CATCH_ERROR_MIN_DELAY;
$min_delay = $DEFAULT_CATCH_ERROR_MIN_DELAY if $min_delay < 0;
return $min_delay;
}
sub catch_error_max_delay {
my ($self) = @_;
my $min_delay = $self->catch_error_min_delay;
my $max_delay = defined $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_MAX_DELAY}
? $ENV{AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_MAX_DELAY}
: defined $self->{param}->{catch_error_max_delay}
? $self->{param}->{catch_error_max_delay}
: $DEFAULT_CATCH_ERROR_MAX_DELAY;
$max_delay = $DEFAULT_CATCH_ERROR_MAX_DELAY if $max_delay < 0;
$max_delay = $min_delay if $min_delay > $max_delay;
return $max_delay;
}
sub catch_error_delay {
my ($self) = @_;
my $min = $self->catch_error_min_delay;
my $max = $self->catch_error_max_delay;
return $min == $max ? $min : $min + (int rand $max - $min);
}
sub param2opt {
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
push @cmd, @o;
}
@cmd = map { shell_quote($_) } @cmd;
warn "cmd: ".join(' ', @cmd) if $ENV{AWSCLI_DEBUG};
my $error_re = $self->catch_error_pattern;
my $retries = $error_re ? $self->catch_error_retries : 0;
RETRY: {
$Error = { Message => '', Code => '' };
my $exit_value = $self->_run(\%opt, \@cmd);
my $ret = $self->_handle($service, $operation, $exit_value);
return $ret unless $Error->{Code};
if ($retries-- > 0 and $Error->{Message} =~ $error_re) {
my $delay = $self->catch_error_delay;
warn "Caught error matching $error_re, sleeping $delay seconds before retrying\n"
if $ENV{AWSCLI_DEBUG};
sleep $delay;
redo RETRY;
}
croak $Error->{Message} if $self->{croak_on_error};
return $ret;
}
}
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
my ($self, $opt, $cmd) = @_;
my $ret;
if (exists $opt->{'nofork'} && $opt->{'nofork'}) {
# better for perl debugger
my($ok, $err, $buf, $stdout_buf, $stderr_buf) = IPC::Cmd::run(
command => join(' ', @$cmd),
timeout => $opt->{timeout} || $self->{timeout},
);
$ret->{stdout} = join "", @$stdout_buf;
$ret->{err_msg} = (defined $err ? "$err\n" : "") . join "", @$stderr_buf;
if ($ok) {
$ret->{exit_code} = 0;
$ret->{timeout} = 0;
} else {
$ret->{exit_code} = 2;
$ret->{timeout} = 1 if defined $err && $err =~ /^IPC::Cmd::TimeOut:/;
}
print "";
} else {
$ret = IPC::Cmd::run_forked(join(' ', @$cmd), {
timeout => $opt->{timeout} || $self->{timeout},
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
};
if ($@) {
if ($ENV{AWSCLI_DEBUG}) {
warn $@;
warn qq|stdout: "$ret->{stdout}"|;
warn qq|err_msg: "$ret->{err_msg}"|;
}
return $json || 'success';
}
return $ret;
} else {
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
$Error = $ret->{Response}{Errors}{Error};
} else {
$Error = { Message => 'Unknown', Code => 'Unknown' };
}
} else {
my $msg = $ret->{err_msg};
warn sprintf("%s.%s[%s]: %s\n",
$service, $operation, 'NG', $msg,
) if $ENV{AWSCLI_DEBUG};
$Error = { Message => $msg, Code => 'Unknown' };
}
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
Additionally, the these params can be used to control the wrapper behavior:
nofork Truthy to avoid forking when executing `aws`
timeout `aws` execution timeout
croak_on_error Truthy to croak() with the error message when `aws`
exits with non-zero code
catch_error_pattern Regexp pattern to match for error handling.
catch_error_retries Retries for handling errors.
catch_error_min_delay Minimal delay before retrying `aws` call
when an error was caught.
catch_error_max_delay Maximal delay before retrying `aws` call.
See below for more detailed explanation.
=item B<accessanalyzer>($operation:Str, $param:HashRef, %opt:Hash)
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
Third arg "opt" is optional. Available key/values are below:
timeout => Int
Maximum time the "aws" command is allowed to run before aborting.
default is 30 seconds, unless overridden with AWS_CLIWRAPPER_TIMEOUT environment variable.
nofork => Int (>0)
Call IPC::Cmd::run vs. IPC::Cmd::run_forked (mostly useful if/when in perl debugger). Note: 'timeout', if used with 'nofork', will merely cause an alarm and return. ie. 'run' will NOT kill the awscli command like 'run_forked' will.
croak_on_error => Int (>0)
When set to a truthy value, this will make AWS::CLIWrapper to croak() with error message when `aws` command exits with non-zero status. Default behavior is to set $AWS::CLIWrapper::Error and return.
catch_error_pattern => RegExp
When defined, this option will enable catching `aws-cli` errors matching this pattern
and retrying `aws-cli` command execution. Environment variable
AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_PATTERN takes precedence over this option, if both
are defined.
Default is undef.
catch_error_retries => Int (>= 0)
When defined, this option will set the number of retries to make when `aws-cli` error
was caught with catch_error_pattern, before giving up. Environment variable
AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_RETRIES takes precedence over this option, if both
are defined.
0 (zero) retries is a valid way to turn off error catching via environment variable
in certain scenarios. Negative values are invalid and will be reset to default.
Default is 3.
catch_error_min_delay => Int (>= 0)
When defined, this option will set the minimum delay in seconds before attempting
a retry of failed `aws-cli` execution when the error was caught. Environment variable
AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_MIN_DELAY takes precedence over this option, if both
are defined.
0 (zero) is a valid value. Negative values are invalid and will be reset to default.
Default is 3.
catch_error_max_delay => Int (>= 0)
When defined, this option will set the maximum delay in seconds before attempting
a retry of failed `aws-cli` execution. Environment variable AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_MAX_DELAY
takes precedence over this option, if both are defined.
0 (zero) is a valid value. Negative values are invalid and will be reset to default.
If catch_error_min_delay is greater than catch_error_max_delay, both are set
to catch_error_min_delay value.
Default is 10.
=back
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
If this variable is set, AWS::CLIWrapper will retry `aws-cli` execution if stdout output
of failed `aws-cli` command matches the pattern. See L<ERROR HANDLING>.
=item AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_RETRIES
How many times to retry command execution if an error was caught. Default is 3.
=item AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_MIN_DELAY
Minimal delay before retrying command execution if an error was caught, in seconds.
Default is 3.
=item AWS_CLIWRAPPER_CATCH_ERROR_MAX_DELAY
lib/AWS/CLIWrapper.pm view on Meta::CPAN
=head1 ERROR HANDLING
=over 4
By default, when `aws-cli` exits with an error code (> 0), AWS::CLIWrapper will set
the error code and message to $AWS::CLIWrapper::Error (and optionally croak), thus
relaying the error to calling code. While this approach is beneficial 99% of the time,
in some use cases `aws-cli` execution fails for a temporary reason unrelated to
both calling code and AWS::CLIWrapper, and can be safely retried after a short delay.
One of this use cases is executing `aws-cli` on AWS EC2 instances, where `aws-cli`
retrieves its configuration and credentials from the API exposed to the EC2 instance;
at certain times these credentials may be rotated and calling `aws-cli` at exactly
the right moment will cause it to fail with `Unable to locate credentials` error.
To prevent this kind of errors from failing the calling code, AWS::CLIWrapper allows
configuring an RegExp pattern and retry `aws-cli` execution if it fails with an error
matching the configured pattern.
The error catching pattern, as well as other configuration, can be defined either
as AWS::CLIWrapper options in the code, or as respective environment variables
(see L<ENVIRONMENT>).
The actual delay before retrying a failed `aws-cli` execution is computed as a
random value of seconds between catch_error_min_delay (default 3) and catch_error_max_delay
(default 10). Backoff is not supported at this moment.
=back
=head1 AUTHOR
AWS-CloudFront
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# Whether or not inc::Module::Install is actually loaded, the
# $INC{inc/Module/Install.pm} is what will still get set as long as
# the caller loaded module this in the documented manner.
# If not set, the caller may NOT have loaded the bundled version, and thus
# they may not have a MI version that works with the Makefile.PL. This would
# result in false errors or unexpected behaviour. And we don't want that.
my $file = join( '/', 'inc', split /::/, __PACKAGE__ ) . '.pm';
unless ( $INC{$file} ) { die <<"END_DIE" }
Please invoke ${\__PACKAGE__} with:
AWS-IP
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. The
General Public License applies to the Free Software Foundation's
software and to any other program whose authors commit to using it.
You can use it for your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Specifically, the General Public License is designed to make
sure that you have the freedom to give away or sell copies of free
software, that you receive source code or can get it if you want it,
that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new free
programs; and that you know you can do these things.
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and
disclaimer of warranty; keep intact all the notices that refer to this
General Public License and to the absence of any warranty; and give any
other recipients of the Program a copy of this General Public License
along with the Program. You may charge a fee for the physical act of
transferring a copy.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of
it, and copy and distribute such modifications under the terms of Paragraph
1 above, provided that you also do the following:
that there is no warranty (or else, saying that you provide a
warranty) and that users may redistribute the program under these
conditions, and telling the user how to view a copy of this General
Public License.
d) You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a
copy, and you may at your option offer warranty protection in
exchange for a fee.
Mere aggregation of another independent work with the Program (or its
derivative) on a volume of a storage or distribution medium does not bring
c) accompany it with the information you received as to where the
corresponding source code may be obtained. (This alternative is
allowed only for noncommercial distribution and only if you
received the program in object code or executable form alone.)
Source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable file, complete source code means
all the source code for all modules it contains; but, as a special
exception, it need not include source code for modules which are standard
libraries that accompany the operating system on which the executable
file runs, or for standard header files or definitions files that
AWS-Lambda-Quick
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
lib/AWS/Lambda/Quick.pm view on Meta::CPAN
=item Manage an integration and integration response for that resource
=back
And then debug all the above things, a lot, and google weird error
messages it generates when you inevitably make a mistake.
This module provides a way to do all of this completely transparently
just by executing your script, without having to either interact with
the AWS Management Console nor directly use the awscli utility.
AWS-Lambda
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
author/publish-perl-runtimes.pl view on Meta::CPAN
say STDERR "deploying stack $stack_name in $region...";
run_command('aws', '--region', $region, 'cloudformation', 'deploy',
'--stack-name', $stack_name,
'--template-file', "$FindBin::Bin/cfn-layer-$suffix-$arch.yml",
'--parameter-overrides', "PerlVersion=$perl_version", "Name=perl-$stack-$suffix$arch_suffix", "ObjectVersion=$version");
say STDERR "$region/$perl_version: DONE";
$pm->finish(0);
}
}
AWS-Networks
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. The
General Public License applies to the Free Software Foundation's
software and to any other program whose authors commit to using it.
You can use it for your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Specifically, the General Public License is designed to make
sure that you have the freedom to give away or sell copies of free
software, that you receive source code or can get it if you want it,
that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new free
programs; and that you know you can do these things.
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and
disclaimer of warranty; keep intact all the notices that refer to this
General Public License and to the absence of any warranty; and give any
other recipients of the Program a copy of this General Public License
along with the Program. You may charge a fee for the physical act of
transferring a copy.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of
it, and copy and distribute such modifications under the terms of Paragraph
1 above, provided that you also do the following:
that there is no warranty (or else, saying that you provide a
warranty) and that users may redistribute the program under these
conditions, and telling the user how to view a copy of this General
Public License.
d) You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a
copy, and you may at your option offer warranty protection in
exchange for a fee.
Mere aggregation of another independent work with the Program (or its
derivative) on a volume of a storage or distribution medium does not bring
c) accompany it with the information you received as to where the
corresponding source code may be obtained. (This alternative is
allowed only for noncommercial distribution and only if you
received the program in object code or executable form alone.)
Source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable file, complete source code means
all the source code for all modules it contains; but, as a special
exception, it need not include source code for modules which are standard
libraries that accompany the operating system on which the executable
file runs, or for standard header files or definitions files that
AWS-S3
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
lib/AWS/S3.pm view on Meta::CPAN
: ()
),
);
my $response = $request->request();
if ( my $msg = $response->friendly_error() ) {
die $msg;
} # end if()
return $s->bucket( $args{name} );
} # end add_bucket()
lib/AWS/S3.pm view on Meta::CPAN
Attempts to create a new bucket with the name provided. The location parameter is optional
and, as per the AWS docs, will default to "us-east-1".
On success, returns the new L<AWS::S3::Bucket>
On failure, dies with the error message.
See L<AWS::S3::Bucket> for details on how to use buckets (and access their files).
=head1 SEE ALSO
AWS-SNS-Confess
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
lib/AWS/SNS/Confess.pm view on Meta::CPAN
package AWS::SNS::Confess;
# ABSTRACT: Publish errors to an SNS topic
use base 'Exporter';
use Amazon::SNS;
use Devel::StackTrace;
use strict;
lib/AWS/SNS/Confess.pm view on Meta::CPAN
__END__
=pod
=head1 NAME
AWS::SNS::Confess - Publish errors to an SNS topic
=head1 VERSION
version 0.001
lib/AWS/SNS/Confess.pm view on Meta::CPAN
);
confess "Something went wrong";
=head1 DESCRIPTION
AWS::SNS::Confess uses L<Amazon::SNS> to post any errors to an Amazon SNS
feed for more robust management from there.
=head1 NAME
AWS::S3 - Publish Errors, with a full stack trace to an Amazon SNS
lib/AWS/SNS/Confess.pm view on Meta::CPAN
=head1 PUBLIC METHODS
=head2 setup( access_key_id => $aws_access_key_id, secret_access_key => $aws_secret_access_key, topic => $aws_topic );
Sets up to send errors to the given AWS Account and Topic
=head2 confess( $msg );
Publishes the given error message to SNS with a full stack trace
=head1 SEE ALSO
L<Amazon::SNS>
AWS-SNS-Verify
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. The
General Public License applies to the Free Software Foundation's
software and to any other program whose authors commit to using it.
You can use it for your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Specifically, the General Public License is designed to make
sure that you have the freedom to give away or sell copies of free
software, that you receive source code or can get it if you want it,
that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new free
programs; and that you know you can do these things.
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and
disclaimer of warranty; keep intact all the notices that refer to this
General Public License and to the absence of any warranty; and give any
other recipients of the Program a copy of this General Public License
along with the Program. You may charge a fee for the physical act of
transferring a copy.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of
it, and copy and distribute such modifications under the terms of Paragraph
1 above, provided that you also do the following:
that there is no warranty (or else, saying that you provide a
warranty) and that users may redistribute the program under these
conditions, and telling the user how to view a copy of this General
Public License.
d) You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a
copy, and you may at your option offer warranty protection in
exchange for a fee.
Mere aggregation of another independent work with the Program (or its
derivative) on a volume of a storage or distribution medium does not bring
c) accompany it with the information you received as to where the
corresponding source code may be obtained. (This alternative is
allowed only for noncommercial distribution and only if you
received the program in object code or executable form alone.)
Source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable file, complete source code means
all the source code for all modules it contains; but, as a special
exception, it need not include source code for modules which are standard
libraries that accompany the operating system on which the executable
file runs, or for standard header files or definitions files that
AWS-Signature-V2
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. The
General Public License applies to the Free Software Foundation's
software and to any other program whose authors commit to using it.
You can use it for your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Specifically, the General Public License is designed to make
sure that you have the freedom to give away or sell copies of free
software, that you receive source code or can get it if you want it,
that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new free
programs; and that you know you can do these things.
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and
disclaimer of warranty; keep intact all the notices that refer to this
General Public License and to the absence of any warranty; and give any
other recipients of the Program a copy of this General Public License
along with the Program. You may charge a fee for the physical act of
transferring a copy.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of
it, and copy and distribute such modifications under the terms of Paragraph
1 above, provided that you also do the following:
that there is no warranty (or else, saying that you provide a
warranty) and that users may redistribute the program under these
conditions, and telling the user how to view a copy of this General
Public License.
d) You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a
copy, and you may at your option offer warranty protection in
exchange for a fee.
Mere aggregation of another independent work with the Program (or its
derivative) on a volume of a storage or distribution medium does not bring
c) accompany it with the information you received as to where the
corresponding source code may be obtained. (This alternative is
allowed only for noncommercial distribution and only if you
received the program in object code or executable form alone.)
Source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable file, complete source code means
all the source code for all modules it contains; but, as a special
exception, it need not include source code for modules which are standard
libraries that accompany the operating system on which the executable
file runs, or for standard header files or definitions files that
AWS-Signature4
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
lib/AWS/Signature4.pm view on Meta::CPAN
-secret_key An AWS secret key
-security_token A VM::EC2::Security::Token object
If a security token is provided, it overrides any values given for
-access_key or -secret_key.
If the environment variables EC2_ACCESS_KEY and/or EC2_SECRET_KEY are
set, their contents are used as defaults for -acccess_key and
-secret_key.
lib/AWS/Signature4.pm view on Meta::CPAN
payload is not included directly in the request, but is in an external
file that will be uploaded as the request is executed. In this case,
you must pass a second argument containing the results of running
sha256_hex() (from the Digest::SHA module) on the content.
The method returns a true value if successful. On errors, it will
throw an exception.
=item $url = $signer->signed_url($request)
This method will generate a signed GET URL for the request. The URL
AWS-XRay
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
lib/AWS/XRay.pm view on Meta::CPAN
}
else {
$code->($segment);
}
};
my $error = $@;
if ($error) {
$segment->{error} = Types::Serialiser::true;
$segment->{cause} = {
exceptions => [
{
id => new_id(),
message => "$error",
remote => Types::Serialiser::true,
},
],
};
}
lib/AWS/XRay.pm view on Meta::CPAN
$segment->close();
};
if ($@) {
warn $@;
}
die $error if $error;
return $wantarray ? @ret : $ret[0];
}
sub capture_from {
my ($header, $name, $code) = @_;
lib/AWS/XRay.pm view on Meta::CPAN
if ($ENV{LAMBDA_TASK_ROOT}) {
# AWS::XRay is loaded in AWS Lambda worker.
# notify the Lambda Runtime that initialization is complete.
unless (mkdir '/tmp/.aws-xray') {
# ignore the error if the directory is already exits or other process created it.
my $err = $!;
unless (-d '/tmp/.aws-xray') {
warn "failed to make directory: $err";
}
}
open my $fh, '>', '/tmp/.aws-xray/initialized' or warn "failed to create file: $!";
close $fh;
utime undef, undef, '/tmp/.aws-xray/initialized' or warn "failed to touch file: $!";
AXL-Client-Simple
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inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# Whether or not inc::Module::Install is actually loaded, the
# $INC{inc/Module/Install.pm} is what will still get set as long as
# the caller loaded module this in the documented manner.
# If not set, the caller may NOT have loaded the bundled version, and thus
# they may not have a MI version that works with the Makefile.PL. This would
# result in false errors or unexpected behaviour. And we don't want that.
my $file = join( '/', 'inc', split /::/, __PACKAGE__ ) . '.pm';
unless ( $INC{$file} ) { die <<"END_DIE" }
Please invoke ${\__PACKAGE__} with:
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# If the modification time is only slightly in the future,
# sleep briefly to remove the problem.
my $a = $s - time;
if ( $a > 0 and $a < 5 ) { sleep 5 }
# Too far in the future, throw an error.
my $t = time;
if ( $s > $t ) { die <<"END_DIE" }
Your installer $0 has a modification time in the future ($s > $t).
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# I'm still wondering if we should slurp Makefile.PL to
# get some context or not ...
my ($package, $file, $line) = caller;
die <<"EOT";
Unknown function is found at $file line $line.
Execution of $file aborted due to runtime errors.
If you're a contributor to a project, you may need to install
some Module::Install extensions from CPAN (or other repository).
If you're a user of a module, please contact the author.
EOT
Abilities
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software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. The
General Public License applies to the Free Software Foundation's
software and to any other program whose authors commit to using it.
You can use it for your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Specifically, the General Public License is designed to make
sure that you have the freedom to give away or sell copies of free
software, that you receive source code or can get it if you want it,
that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new free
programs; and that you know you can do these things.
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and
disclaimer of warranty; keep intact all the notices that refer to this
General Public License and to the absence of any warranty; and give any
other recipients of the Program a copy of this General Public License
along with the Program. You may charge a fee for the physical act of
transferring a copy.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of
it, and copy and distribute such modifications under the terms of Paragraph
1 above, provided that you also do the following:
that there is no warranty (or else, saying that you provide a
warranty) and that users may redistribute the program under these
conditions, and telling the user how to view a copy of this General
Public License.
d) You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a
copy, and you may at your option offer warranty protection in
exchange for a fee.
Mere aggregation of another independent work with the Program (or its
derivative) on a volume of a storage or distribution medium does not bring
c) accompany it with the information you received as to where the
corresponding source code may be obtained. (This alternative is
allowed only for noncommercial distribution and only if you
received the program in object code or executable form alone.)
Source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable file, complete source code means
all the source code for all modules it contains; but, as a special
exception, it need not include source code for modules which are standard
libraries that accompany the operating system on which the executable
file runs, or for standard header files or definitions files that
AcePerl
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sub aql {
my $self = shift;
my $query = shift;
my $db = $self->db;
my $r = $self->raw_query("aql -j $query");
if ($r =~ /(AQL error.*)/) {
$self->error($1);
return;
}
my @r;
foreach (split "\n",$r) {
next if m!^//!;
$self->_alert_iterators unless $no_alert;
$self->{database}->query($query, $parse ? ACE_PARSE : () );
return $self->read_object;
}
# return the last error
sub error {
my $class = shift;
$Ace::Error = shift() if defined($_[0]);
$Ace::Error=~s/\0//g; # get rid of nulls
return $Ace::Error;
}
$sequence = $db->fetch(Sequence => 'D12345');
$local_db->put($sequence);
@sequences = $db->fetch(Sequence => 'D*');
$local_db->put(@sequences);
# Get errors
print Ace->error;
print $db->error;
=head1 DESCRIPTION
AcePerl provides an interface to the ACEDB object-oriented database.
Both read and write access is provided, and ACE objects are returned
=item B<-host>, B<-port>
These arguments point to the host and port of an AceDB server.
AcePerl will use its internal compiled code to establish a connection
to the server unless explicitly overridden with the B<-program>
argument.
=item B<-path>
This argument indicates the path of an AceDB directory on the local
can open a connection this way too:
$db = connect Ace -host=>'beta.crbm.cnrs-mop.fr',-port=>20000100;
The return value is an Ace handle to use to access the database, or
undef if the connection fails. If the connection fails, an error
message can be retrieved by calling Ace->error.
You may check the status of a connection at any time with ping(). It
will return a true value if the database is still connected. Note
that Ace will timeout clients that have been inactive for any length
of time. Long-running clients should attempt to reestablish their
$object = $db->fetch(Sequence => 'D12345');
@objects = $db->fetch(Sequence => 'D1234*');
$cnt = $db->fetch(Sequence =>'D1234*');
A variety of communications and database errors may occur while
processing the request. When this happens, undef or an empty list
will be returned, and a string describing the error can be retrieved
by calling Ace->error.
When retrieving database objects, it is possible to retrieve a
"filled" or an "unfilled" object. A filled object contains the entire
contents of the object, including all tags and subtags. In the case
of certain Sequence objects, this may be a significant amount of data.
Ace::aql() will perform an AQL query on the database. In a scalar
context it returns the number of rows returned. In an array context
it returns a list of rows. Each row is an anonymous array containing
the columns returned by the query as an Ace::Object.
If an AQL error is encountered, will return undef or an empty list and
set Ace->error to the error message.
Note that this routine is not optimized -- there is no iterator
defined. All results are returned synchronously, leading to large
memory consumption for certain queries.
overwriting like-named objects if they are already there. This can
be used to copy an object from one database to another, provided that
the models are compatible.
The method returns the count of objects successfully written into the
database. In case of an error, processing will stop at the last
object successfully written and an error message will be placed in
Ace->error();
=head2 parse() method
$object = $db->parse('data to parse');
This will parse the Ace tags contained within the "data to parse"
string, convert it into an object in the databse, and return the
resulting Ace::Object. In case of a parse error, the undefined value
will be returned and a (hopefully informative) description of the
error will be returned by Ace->error().
For example:
$author = $db->parse(<<END);
Author : "Glimitz JR"
$object = $db->parse($title,$text);
This will parse the long text (which may contain carriage returns and
other funny characters) and place it into the database with the given
title. In case of a parse error, the undefined value will be returned
and a (hopefully informative) description of the error will be
returned by Ace->error(); otherwise, a LongText object will be returned.
For example:
$author = $db->parse_longtext('A Novel Inhibitory Domain',<<END);
We have discovered a novel inhibitory domain that inhibits
This will call parse() to parse each of the objects found in the
indicated .ace file, returning the list of objects successfully loaded
into the database.
By default, parsing will stop at the first object that causes a parse
error. If you wish to forge on after an error, pass a true value as
the second argument to this method.
Any parse error messages are accumulated in Ace->error().
=head2 new() method
$object = $db->new($class => $name);
This method creates a new object in the database of type $class and
name $name. If successful, it returns the newly-created object.
Otherwise it returns undef and sets $db->error().
$name may contain sprintf()-style patterns. If one of the patterns is
%d (or a variant), Acedb uses a class-specific unique numbering to return
a unique name. For example:
-fill => $fill);
This allows you to pass arbitrary Ace query strings to the server and
retrieve all objects that are returned as a result. For example, this
code fragment retrieves all papers written by Jean and Danielle
Thierry-Mieg.
@papers = $db->find('author IS "Thierry-Mieg *" ; >Paper');
You can find the full query syntax reference guide plus multiple
examples at http://probe.nalusda.gov:8000/acedocs/index.html#query.
In the named parameter calling form, B<-count>, B<-offset>, and
Examples:
$db->auto_save(1);
$flag = $db->auto_save;
=head2 error() method
Ace->error;
This returns the last error message. Like UNIX errno, this variable
is not reset between calls, so its contents are only valid after a
method call has returned a result value indicating a failure.
For your convenience, you can call error() in any of several ways:
print Ace->error();
print $db->error(); # $db is an Ace database handle
print $obj->error(); # $object is an Ace::Object
There's also a global named $Ace::Error that you are free to use.
=head2 datetime() and date()
as a string. ACE may return the result in pieces, breaking between
whole objects. You may need to read repeatedly in order to fetch the
entire result. Canonical example:
$acedb->query("find Sequence D*");
die "Got an error ",$acedb->error() if $acedb->status == STATUS_ERROR;
while ($acedb->status == STATUS_PENDING) {
$result .= $acedb->read;
}
=item status()
see are:
STATUS_WAITING The server is waiting for a query.
STATUS_PENDING A query has been sent and Ace is waiting for
you to read() the result.
STATUS_ERROR A communications or syntax error has occurred
=item error()
Returns a more detailed error code supplied by the Ace server. Check
this value when STATUS_ERROR has been returned. These constants are
also exported by default. Possible values:
ACE_INVALID
ACE_OUTOFCONTEXT
ACE_SYNTAXERROR
ACE_UNRECOGNIZED
Please see the ace client library documentation for a full description
of these error codes and their significance.
=item encore()
This method may return true after you have performed one or more
read() operations, and indicates that there is more data to read. You
=head1 BUGS
1. The ACE model should be consulted prior to updating the database.
2. There is no automatic recovery from connection errors.
3. Debugging has only one level of verbosity, despite the best
of intentions.
4. Performance is poor when fetching big objects, because of
L<Ace::Sequence>,L<Ace::Sequence::Multi>.
=head1 AUTHOR
Lincoln Stein <lstein@cshl.org> with extensive help from Jean
Thierry-Mieg <mieg@kaa.crbm.cnrs-mop.fr>
Copyright (c) 1997-1998 Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory
This library is free software; you can redistribute it and/or modify
it under the same terms as Perl itself. See DISCLAIMER.txt for
unless $object->isObject;
$object = $object->fetch unless $object->isRoot; # make sure we're putting root object
my $data = $object->asAce;
$data =~ s/\n/; /mg;
my $result = $self->raw_query("parse = $data");
$Ace::Error = $result if $result =~ /sorry|parse error/mi;
return $count if $Ace::Error;
$count++; # bump if succesful
}
return $count;
}
my $ace_data = shift;
my @lines = split("\n",$ace_data);
foreach (@lines) { s/;/\\;/; } # protect semicolons
my $query = join("; ",@lines);
my $result = $self->raw_query("parse = $query");
$Ace::Error = $result=~/sorry|parse error/mi ? $result : '';
my @results = $self->_list(1,0);
return $results[0];
}
# Parse a single object as longtext and return the result
" ;
$mm =~ s/\//\\\//g ;
$mm =~ s/\n/\\n/g ;
$mm .= "\n" ;
my $result = $self->raw_query($mm) ;
$Ace::Error = $result=~/sorry|parse error/mi ? $result : '';
my @results = $self->_list(1,0);
return $results[0];
}
sub parse_file {
my $self = shift;
my ($file,$keepgoing) = @_;
local(*ACE);
local($/) = ''; # paragraph mode
my(@objects,$errors);
open(ACE,$file) || croak "$file: $!";
while (<ACE>) {
chomp;
my $obj = $self->parse($_);
unless ($obj) {
$errors .= $Ace::Error; # keep track of errors
last unless $keepgoing;
}
push(@objects,$obj);
}
close ACE;
$Ace::Error = $errors;
return @objects;
}
# Create a new Ace::Object in the indicated database
# (doesn't actually write into database until you do a commit)
Acme-123
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the Free Software Foundation's software and to any other program whose
authors commit to using it. (Some other Free Software Foundation software is
covered by the GNU Library General Public License instead.) You can apply it to
your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not price. Our
General Public Licenses are designed to make sure that you have the freedom
to distribute copies of free software (and charge for this service if you wish), that
you receive source code or can get it if you want it, that you can change the
software or use pieces of it in new free programs; and that you know you can do
these things.
publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and disclaimer of warranty;
keep intact all the notices that refer to this License and to the absence of any
warranty; and give any other recipients of the Program a copy of this License
along with the Program.
You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a copy, and you may at
your option offer warranty protection in exchange for a fee.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of it, thus
forming a work based on the Program, and copy and distribute such
modifications or work under the terms of Section 1 above, provided that you also
c) Accompany it with the information you received as to the offer to distribute
corresponding source code. (This alternative is allowed only for noncommercial
distribution and only if you received the program in object code or executable
form with such an offer, in accord with Subsection b above.)
The source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable work, complete source code means all the
source code for all modules it contains, plus any associated interface definition
files, plus the scripts used to control compilation and installation of the
executable. However, as a special exception, the source code distributed need
not include anything that is normally distributed (in either source or binary form)
Acme-24
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
When Jack Bauer found out that Chapelle was secretly watching CSI instead of 24, he shot him.
%
Sprint cellphone sales skyrocketed after Jack Bauer showed people how to use them to blow up terrorists.
%
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
%
In Season 2 when Jack is stripped down by the terrorists before torture, the camera caught a glimpse of his testicles. Unfortunately for viewers, scientists have yet to provide us with a storage medium of adequate capacity to archive Jack's immense b...
%
When interrogating a suspect, they say everyone has a breaking point, for most it takes hours, maybe days to crack someone. Give Jack Bauer one bullet and it'll take 2 seconds, gun and hacksaw optional.
%
Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
%
Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
%
The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead.
%
Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.
%
Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
%
Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
%
Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
%
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
%
Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
%
Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
%
Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer knows entire value of 'pi'.
%
If you killed Jack Bauer's friend and you've been shot, don't count on going to a hospital.
%
After taking Levitra, Jack Bauer has 24 hour erections. He kills terrorists instead of seeking immediate medical attention.
%
Jack Bauer is the only man that make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
%
If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
%
If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas. Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, h...
%
God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.
%
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
%
When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean "Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?"
%
Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
%
When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
%
The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
%
Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.
%
Jack Bauer once made a woman orgasm by looking at her. He then killed her to prevent the terrorist's from overhearing her screams.
%
Jack Bauer tried to order breakfast at McDonalds once. When he was told by a McDonalds assosiate that they don't serve breakfast after 11am, he grabbed the assosiate, shot him in the leg, and asked him: "What is your primary objective?"
%
The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
%
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
%
Sometimes Jack Bauer uses blanks because he likes to see terrorists squirm. This is his idea of entertainment.
%
Jack Bauer has chopped an arm off of a man 5 times, only once was it necessary to save lives.
%
Jack Bauer's 13 round HK magazine can actually hold 15 bullets.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
%
The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
%
Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."
%
Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
%
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
%
Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
%
Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline.
%
Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
%
Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer is not CTU. Jack Bauer will come and get you himself.
%
Jack Bauer won a fight with Ditka.
%
Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
%
When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
%
Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
%
Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT's. The old SAT's.
%
When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Barry Bonds was on steroids. Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
%
While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
%
Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.
%
Jack Bauer hates jazz. The result?
Hurricane Katrina.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
%
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
%
The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
%
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
%
Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
%
There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
%
Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris. Blindfolded.
%
The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
%
Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass's death. Sure, that's true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
%
The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
%
Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
%
Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.
%
Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn't get AIDS.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
%
Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
%
Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
%
It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.
%
When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
%
Pandora actually opened Bauer's Box.
%
Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.
%
Jack Bauer wasn't able to shake Audrey Raines out of her catatonic state because he could relate to her. It was because he had a gun in his hand. If you give Jack Bauer a gun, he can do anything.
%
When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a tota...
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
There are a few phrases that Jack Bauer can utter to you that mean death. They are "You have to trust me" and "You are the only one who can do this." While death isn't instant, it is inevitable.
%
Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
%
Jack Bauer is better at killing terrorists than suicide bombers.
%
Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
%
Whenever your electricity goes off its not because there has been a power cut, its because Jack Bauer is torturing someone.
%
Jack Bauer made duct tape for the common man.
%
It takes Jack Bauer 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
%
In addition to working at CTU, Jack Bauer also holds a part-time job at the IRS. Hence the phrase, "Death and taxes are the only sure things in life."
%
The game known as Jacks was actually named Pick Em Up until Jack Bauer picked up all the pieces, disarmed a bomb, and killed 10 terrorist in one turn.
%
John McCain says torture doesn't work. Jack Bauer tortured him until he said that.
%
Martin Luther King Jr. dreamt of Jack Bauer.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
There must be balance in the world. When Jack Bauer was created, it was necessary to take the masculinity from one for the good of many. And this is why President Logan is such a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer can find the square root of -1.
%
When Jack Bauer wants a vacation, every terrorist in Los Angeles is dead within an hour.
%
The playoffs once went into overtime before the season premiere of 24. It was sudden death overtime because Jack Bauer went there and shot all the players. No one preempts Jack Bauer.
%
When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer will never need a concealed carry permit, his gun is never concealed.
%
Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.
%
Jack Bauer is so attuned to the minds of terrorists. While searching for terrorists, all Jack has to do is listen to the sounds of a someone on the crapper to know whether he is a terrorist. Jack Bauer also uses this strategy on dates.
%
Jack toilet trained Kim at gunpoint.
%
If you're in Jack Bauer's hands, you're not covered under our policy. That's Allstate's stand.
%
Contrary to poular belief, Jack Bauer kept Chase's arm.
%
The Price Is ALWAYS Right for Jack Bauer.
%
The liquid solution that CTU injects into suspected terrorists during interrogation is actually Jack Bauer's semen. It isn't pain the subject feels, but rather a crippling sensory overload of pleasure, on contact. No human body can withstand it.
%
Jack Bauer once struck someone out on two pitches.
%
Jack Bauer taught the Russians how to play "Russian Roulette".
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever.
%
Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
%
Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
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The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.
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Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
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Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
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When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
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When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
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After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name. Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
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In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
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When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert. You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys.
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?) The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer. You'll get it right.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life. For terrorists, the shortest.
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Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode.
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Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
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Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
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Jack Bauer's flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
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Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
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24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned.
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Jack's 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetary plots.
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Jack Bauer is the American dream. That is to say when America sleeps it dreams of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
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There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
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Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.
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If Jack Bauer had a nickel for every time he killed a terrorist, he would own the U.S.
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Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to sleep. He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
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Mulder and Scully left the X-Files too soon. They would've realized that the truth is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not drive fast, his car is just always trying to get away.
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Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes. Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
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Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
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Jack Bauer really did kill Victor Drazin the first time, but he brought him back to life so he could do it again.
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When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
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Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton's tree.
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Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night.
He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.
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CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box.
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him... Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
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Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
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Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
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Jack Bauer doesn't interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
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Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick. While playing goalie.
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It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
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Jack's wife once started to smoke, so he had to slow down.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits... Jack Bauer does not have the luxury to sleep or wait, because your life depends on it.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
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50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless Jack Bauer is the man who taught you how to fish. Then your lifetime is very close to over.
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If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way.
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Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween. It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history.
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Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
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There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
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New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn’t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer cries when he watches "The Patriot." Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
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The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer". No matter who you are.
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What should you tell a terrorist that's been shot three times? Nothing. Jack Bauer already is about to ask him his first question.
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Jack Bauer’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Jack.”
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn't because it's too easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't re-wear clothing. It's too hard to get the bloodstains out.
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Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already. In 24 hours.
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If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
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Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
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Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
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In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests.
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Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
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If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say "Jack Bauer" seven times, he appears and kills you.
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If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
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To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
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Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
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When Jack Bauer says "Screw it," your reply is, "What position, sir?".
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Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
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Jack Bauer got the world's highest Pac-Man score. Unfortunately he couldn't enter his initials, it would have blown his cover.
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test. The moment the doctor taps Jack's knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he's just been kicked in the groin.
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Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world. He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
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Jack Bauer rolled a 13 playing craps in Vegas.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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If the Great New York Blackout was on a Monday, 24 would've still been on at it's same time.
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The Secretary of Defense's son was straight before he met Jack Bauer.
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Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.
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Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
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Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
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The only time the terror alert level goes above "severe" is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
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While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over," have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
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Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public. That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
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Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
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You're either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
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In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to "The Chosen One."
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If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
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Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer won the US Fencing Championship using a sewing needle.
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Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
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Jack Bauer spoke at a "Scared Straight" seminar for juvenile delinquents. All attendees requested to be transferred directly to jail at age 18.
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While Jack Bauer does care about the Earth, he has to drive around in an SUV because it's the only thing with enough cargo room for all the bodies.
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When Jack Bauer uses heroine, it is the drug that gets high out of Jack, not the other way around.
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If Jack Bauer was the president, it'd be a one-man administration.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light. Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a hand gun. He then shoots Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and 12 terrorists. On average this blood is able to save the lives of 50 newborns.
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The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Best Man. Who said anything about a wedding?
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Jack Bauer doesn't ask, he commands.
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Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
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In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
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Jack Bauer was going to be the fifth member of the A-Team but he bailed when he saw that gay van.
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A Jack Bauer interrogation has been scientifically proven more effective and accurate than the strongest truth serums known to man.
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In late August of 2005, Jack heard of a terrorist cell operating out of New Orleans. He took care of it.
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Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
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If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
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Jack Bauer was brought to China to enfore the one-child policy.
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There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
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Jack Bauer touches raw chicken and doesn't wash his hands.
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If you cant't see well, Jack Bauer will start with the left eye, then he'll move to the right eye, then he's going to start cutting you.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
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7 may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7's kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
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Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
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When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run. But you'll only die tired.
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Jack Bauer doesn't diffuse bombs. He calls it a "Son of a Bitch" and scares the bomb shitless.
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If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat steak, he eats cows.
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If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
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Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
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The song 'Stairway To Heaven' is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.
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Jack Bauer does not bleed, he's donating it for research.
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Jack Bauer does not use a keycard, the doors open in sheer terror.
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Jack Bauer drinks lighter fluid and pisses fire.
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Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
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Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
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The pain chart at the hospital reads ”0” for no pain - “10” being interrogated by Jack Bauer.
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In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards. The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.
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When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it's life.
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If you are fortunate enough to be impregnated by Jack Bauer, be careful: when the baby kicks, you are likely to be pushed across the room.
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When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
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It's Jack Bauer's world, and we just live in it. Until we meet Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always answers the phone with "Yeah!". Only pussies say "hello".
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer recently sued Warner Brothers, claiming the legal name for his penis is "The Iron Giant".
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If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
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If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
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If God and Jack Bauer were to fight, it would be God that was in a Flank-2 position.
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Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to defeat a terrorist plot. This event was never aired because the entire test audience developed post traumatic stress disorder.
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn't bother.
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Jack Bauer has to throw his clothes out at the end of the day, anything he wears for longer gets too attached to him.
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The real reason the U.S. Government sold the shipping operations to Dubai Ports was to give Jack Bauer a fresh, readily-accessible supply of terrorists to kill.
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Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
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When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
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Jack Bauer's balls are visible from space.
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Jack Bauer won the slam dunk contest without jumping.
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To prevent a September 11th-esque attack, large buildings are now draping large banners depicting Jack Bauer fucking up terrorists over their sides.
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When Jack shot Victor Drazen 8 times, it wasn't because he was pissed, it was because he wanted to see how many shots he could get off before Victor hit the water.
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Michelle once cheated on Tony with Jack, when Tony found out he went over to Michelle and gave her a pat on the ass.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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If you want to get shot in the thigh, tell Jack "I don't know," when he asks you a question.
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"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is tattoed on the inside of Jack's eyelids.
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Jack Bauer tortured the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World in order to learn it's primary objective.
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One time, Jack Bauer ran out of minutes on his cell phone. That was the day of the Northridge earthquake.
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Jack Bauer makes Freddy Kruger wet the bed.
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Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
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People think Jack Bauer can't be shot because the enemies fear him, but it's really the bullets fearing Jack.
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Jack Bauer was once slapped and told to turn the other cheek. He did, but only to reach for his gun.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
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If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he'd have been off the Island with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
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Jack tourtured Paul knowing damn well he wasn't a terrorist. He just hates the British.
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Jack Bauer sank my battleship.
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Don't worry if the nerve gas goes off, Jack Bauer will inhale it and then blow it on the terrorists, and Cummings.
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If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
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Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer makes omelets without breaking any eggs.
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When Jack Bauer was circumcised, the doctor had to use a guillotine. Afterwards, baby Jack giggled.
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When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
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A minister, a priest, and a rabi walked into a bar. The minister was a terrorist and was immediately shot by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
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The flux capacitor on Doc Brown's DeLorean runs on Jack's blood. One drop generates 1.21 jigowatts of Bauer power. Thousands of Libyan terrorists died for that pint.
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A Nintendo representative asked Jack Bauer how his TV got 4 holes in it after playing Duck Hunt. Jack replied, "I only had 4 bullets left."
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USC's football team hasn't lost a home game since Jack Bauer killed a team of terrorists at the L.A. Coliseum. This has nothing to do with USC's football team; visiting teams are just afraid that Jack Bauer is still there.
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Jack Bauer's sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.
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Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet. Without a gun.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head.
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Jack Bauer gives himself paper cuts when he's bored just to taste blood.
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If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
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Jack Bauer has more lives than Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start.
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When Jack Bauer propositions a girl, "no" means "yes" and "yes" means "harder." Actually, no girl has ever said "no."
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
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Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
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If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in "Ocean's Eleven", it wouldn't have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say "My name is Jack Bauer. Give me 163 million dollars. ...
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To prove it wasn't a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica. Without the spear or the volleyball.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shits standing up.
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"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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If you're comtemplating suicide, instead of shooting yourself, fuck with Tony Almaeda and let Jack Bauer solve your problems.
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When Jack Bauer eats at Hooters, he takes his waitress home - for dessert.
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When 24: The Game is released, thousands of terrorists will buy it just to learn Jack Bauer's weaknesses. Fortunately for Jack, he is always invincible. They wanted to make the game life-like.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
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Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
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One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
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Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
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Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
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When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
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On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won't believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of...
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o'clock shadow and receding hairline.
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It's a little known fact that a book was written loosely based on the life of Jack Bauer. That book was the Bible.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a gun to kill terrorists, guns just want in on the action.
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Jack Bauer can beat Contra on NES without entering the cheat code.
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Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When Kim Bauer was a little girl, Jack Bauer did not sing her any lullabies. Jack Bauer choked her to sleep.
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Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
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Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
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Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&M's.
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Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
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Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
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Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation. He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
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The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
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Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer doesn't wait for the bus, the bus waits for Jack Bauer.
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Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.
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Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
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Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
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Since 2001, the year 24 premiered, terrorist deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
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If Jack Bauer has sex with you, you won't stand straight for a week.
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Jack Bauer's penis was the inspiration for the Washington Monument.
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You've heard of one man bands. Jack Bauer is a one man orchestra.
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Jack Bauer makes his own clothes out of the stomach lining of former terrorists.
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Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child. He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
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Jack Bauer has neither a father nor a mother. He was constructed by the CIA as the result of the Ultimate Weapon project.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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The reason why Jack Bauer hasn't caught all of America's Most Wanted...he doesn't want to take away American jobs.
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You don't wanna say "Hello" to Jack Bauer's little friend.
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The only reason Audrey Reins sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
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Jack Bauer doesn't read the news... he beats it out of reporters.
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Jack Bauer didn't do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.
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For Jack Bauer, IKEA puts it together.
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Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When he retires, Jack Bauer will make a killing selling grills that torture the fat out of meat.
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Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
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Anytime, anywhere, anyone shoots someone in the thigh, they have to pay a royalty to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in humans. Sometimes he goes to the ocean to wash off the blood of his victims. Jack Bauer is also the leading cause of death in sharks.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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The FBI and CIA both use the show "24" as their primary training videos. Our investigators are still trying to decern what was used before 2001.
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There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
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Jack Bauer's favorite Sportscenter anchor is Scott Van Pelt because his last name reminds him of what he likes to do to terrorists with bullets.
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Jack Bauer does not wash his clothes. Jack Bauer's clothes stay clean for fear of reprisals.
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Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
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Jack Bauer rewrote the dictionary and took out the words "cruel", "unusual", and "punishment".
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It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
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Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
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Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
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When Jack Bauer goes bowling, he uses a decapitated terrorist's head as a ball.
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On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
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Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper in expert mode with one click every time.
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One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
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Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
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Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
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Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
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Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
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As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb.
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The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security. Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice.
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When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
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Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Executing your boss, cutting off your partner's hand with an axe and torturing your girlfriend's husband are just some of the perks Jack loves about his job.
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Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple...
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After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsena...
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A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.
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Thomas Jefferson once said, "An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens". He never met Jack Bauer.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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The only reason Michael Jordan finally retired is because Jack Bauer wanted to join the NBA for recreation.
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Jack refuses to play the lottery. It just wouldn't be fair to the millions of other players.
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Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
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Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
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Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
Ten minutes later, the cougars were dead.
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Bauer asks, and you'd better tell. Or else.
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There once was a terrorist cell planning an attack on United States soil. CTU got wind of this and naturally sent Jack Bauer to "recon" the base and call for additional reinforcements if needed. Upon arrival at said encampment, Jack saw that the head...
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Jack Bauer smashed a mirror because he thought a terrorist was trying to impersonate him.
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If Jack Bauer were 50 Cent, Ja Rule would be rapping about butterflies and ponies.
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Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Jack Bauer" by their girlfriends during sex.
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Jack Bauer goes from 0-to-kill in less than 3 seconds.
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Every time a cell phone rings, Jack Bauer has just put a bullet in a terrorists head.
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Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
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Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear's baby. And Angelina Jolie's. And Katie Holmes'. When Audrey finds out, she'll be okay with it....
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Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
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Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
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Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
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Hallmark would never go out of business if Jack Bauer had to send condolence cards to the families of the terrorists he's killed.
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Jack Bauer wrote the top five entries on this list.
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Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars." Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
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When Conan O'Brien pulls the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever," a clip from the show is shown. When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
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Jack Bauer puts the 'terror' in terrorists.
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If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
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Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he's rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris' penis.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
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Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."
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Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
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Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Seigfried and Roy's.
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Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
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While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground. Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
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Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was. The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
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Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.
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Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack's moves & torture tactics.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
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While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
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Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer's skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
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If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
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Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
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Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
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Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective. The result was Jack Bauer.
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Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
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Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
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If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
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Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T were once stuck in a room. The combination of Pitting Fools, Roundhouse Kicks and Terrorist Killing ability created a tear in the fabric of space time. The end result was Stephen Harper winning the Canadian Elect...
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Normally the flight from Los Angeles to New York takes 7 hours, but when Jack Bauer is on the plane, it only takes 15 minutes because there's not enough time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't play "Sorry". He plays "you're going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer".
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
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Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
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A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
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Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it.
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For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
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Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
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Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke. He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
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Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season.
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When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
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Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute. On his cell phone.
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When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked.
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If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
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Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you.
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Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell's Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a belt. He demands that his pants stay up.
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Killing is Jack Bauer's anti-drug.
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Jack Bauer was removed from Counter-strike by Valve because the counter-terrorists always won. Always.
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For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer doesn't give you a candies shaped like a heart, He gives you your Ex's heart.
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Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When President Palmer was in office, he had three phones: the regular phone, the red phone, and the Jack Bauer phone. Whenever there was a national crisis, guess which phone he used and here's a hint: it wasn't the red phone.
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Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway. The bomb just gave him an excuse.
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When playing hide-and-go-seek with terrorists, Jack Bauer counts to infinity before kicking their asses.
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If Jack Bauer were to run for President, he would be the nomination for both parties and win with 100% of the votes.
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Jack Bauer stole every condom in the world. Why? Because he realized he's running out of people to kill.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
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Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer. Jack Bauer hates moles.
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Jack Bauer does sleep. Sometimes when he is killing terrorists, he is actually sleep walking.
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No one says "Who's your daddy?" to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
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Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
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Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
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"The Man" is derived from "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to...
But statistics don't lie.
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If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see. Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
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Congress is only in session when Jack Bauer is out of town, otherwise nothing would get done. People don't work well in fear.
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Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
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Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
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Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
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Jack Bauer ran into an elephant, then the elephant fell down.
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Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
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The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
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For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
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1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
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There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
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Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick. And won.
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No one brings Jack Bauer to justice. If he goes in a car with authorities, it is because he wanted them to drive him to that location.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer joined Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs because thought the SEALs were too soft, with them playing on the beach all the time.
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Professional wrestler "Mr. Perfect" did not die due to a heart attack. He was killed when Jack Bauer found out someone was using his assumed alias as a stage name.
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When Jack Bauer was tortured by the terrorists in season two, he was humiliated. For his revenge, he tea bagged every terrorist to death.
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Jack Bauer knows the answer to "Who is Mike Jones?".
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Jack Bauer does not push the pedestrian walk sign button. He gets a "walk" signal by approaching the street.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn't laugh.
The rest is history.
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Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
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If Jack Bauer shoots you with a Nerf gun, you're dead.
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MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
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When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
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Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
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If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
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You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer. David Palmer and Michelle Dessler. Tony apologized.
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Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
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The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
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Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
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When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
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When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Don’t lie to Jack Bauer that you have a headache on date night. He’s gonna fuck you anyway.
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Jack Bauer can be seen from outer space.
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While playing Clue, Instead of investigating the rooms, Jack interrogates the Colonel until he tells him who killed Mr. Boddy.
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Jack Bauer once got his order screwed up in the drivethru. Once.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a 6-pack; he has a 24-pack, because that's how real men roll.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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If you Tivo 24, Jack Bauer will kill you. Jack Bauer fucking waits for no one.
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Dead men tell no tales. Except to Jack Bauer.
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Where the Happy Meal at McDonalds comes with a toy, the Jack Bauer Meal comes with a dead terrorist.
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When he was in college, Jack Bauer once did a kegstand for 24 hours.
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The greatest trick Jack Bauer ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.
The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.
Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
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Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.
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Jack Bauer drinks milk after the expiration date.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect? Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
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If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.
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Jack Bauer is on a freighter bound for China. 17 terrorists attempt to attack the US from Toronto. Coincidence?
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Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
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Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why the hell else do you think dinosaurs are extinct.
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Jack Bauer has never met a terrorist he didn't like. To kill.
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When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
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Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven't discovered intelligent life in the universe.
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Why you never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom? He has Edgar Stiles go for him.
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If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
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Every time a suspect with vital information gets shot right before Jack Bauer starts to interrogate them, they think to themselves, "Thank you God for letting me die before Jack got to me!"
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If Jack Bauer said the world was flat. You better believe him.
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Why do they call it Jacking off? Because Jack Bauer only needs his hand to blow anything up.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer's buttons.
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
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Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
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The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
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Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
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Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
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Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
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Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
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When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
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Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
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When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
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When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
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At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
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There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
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They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim. There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
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People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
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Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
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It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
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Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer. The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
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Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
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We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
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Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
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When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer successfully went over Niagara Falls without a barrel.
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By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't believe in testing cosmetics on animals, he prefers terrorists.
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Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
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Jack Bauer once stared at a total solar eclipse. He didn't go blind, but the world plunged into darkness.
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Only Jack Bauer can stop forest fires.
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Whenever Emeril says ‘Bam’ – he is referring to another kill by Jack Bauer.
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Roosters crow in the morning after Jack Bauer wakes them.
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You can now abolish the IRS by having them audit Jack Bauer.
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If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter. If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
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President Logan is not scared because he knows the terrorits are threatening America. He is scared because he knows Jack Bauer can take over anytime he wants.
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Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
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When Jack was just a young boy, he was held at gunpoint by a terrorist. He escaped by looking him in the eye and laughing, melting his brain. That laughter broke into a million tiny pieces, and that is where fairies come from.
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John McCain only has no problem with torturing detainees just as long as it's Jack Bauer doing the torturing.
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Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
If Jack Bauer was a mortal human being, his name would be Tony Almeida.
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After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it.
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One time Jack Bauer was asked to bring a known terrorist back to CTU for questioning. After being gone for three hours, Jack returned covered in blood and carrying a six foot party sub, which he then ate all by himself in a single sitting.
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The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer's boss is being Jack Bauer's partner.
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Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
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Jack Bauer once agreed to appear on an episode of Prison Break. It was all part of an elaborate ruse to help Ramon Salazar escape.
The setback delayed the series premiere two years... the inmates are still trying to figure out how he did it.
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When Jack Bauer goes to an all-inclusive resort, he goes to Afghanistan for "All you can kill terrorists."
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His name's not Frank.
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Batman has Robin. Jack Bauer has Kim Bauer and gets out of shit anyway.
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Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
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After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
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Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to workout."
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Kim is half Jack Bauer, half human. Enough said.
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You can run but you can't hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you then you can't do either.
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Jack Bauer's WWE Wrestling DVDs don't have the "Please don't try this at home" warning on them, because there's nothing WWE wrestlers can do that can possibly hurt Jack Bauer.
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MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her in on their show. Jack Bauer shot the men instantly. MTV has never tried to Raid Kim's room again.
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Jack Bauer can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to kill terrorists.
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Jack Bauer would win American Idol by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
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Jack Bauer can open child proof medicine with out lining up the tabs.
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If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
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When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
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When someone on the airplane yelled "Hi Jack," Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him. Lesson: Don't talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
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Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
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The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
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There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
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You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
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Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
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Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
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Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
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Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
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Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him.
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Jack Bauer didn't need a hacksaw. He just didn't feel like ripping Marshall Goren's head off with his bare hands.
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Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, "I give you my word damn it we're running out of time son of a bitch" but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
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When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist's neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, "Man, I finally got to fuckin' eat."
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Jack Bauer doesn't cut paper. He just angrily yells at it until it cuts itself into the shape he desires.
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Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.
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Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
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Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country. How patriotic are you?
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In Season 3 Jack Bauer "distracted" an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can. He then shot the man anyway.
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Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
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There are only 2 types of people in the world:
• Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper. He uses terrorists.
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Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.
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Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
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Jack Bauer is the only person who can actually knock you into next week.
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A bird in hand is better than two in the bush. Jack Bauer never heard this before. He ate all three birds.
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When Kim Bauer killed her first terrorist, Jack Bauer shed a single tear. The tear was so salty that it caused eleven other terrorists in the nearby region to have a stroke. They died instantly.
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When Jack Bauer gets cold he takes more clothes off.
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When Jack Bauer was finished interrogating Chuck Norris, Chuck was pregnant.
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Jack Bauer could hit 73 homeruns without using steroids, and he'd do it in 24 hours.
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All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
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The author of A Million Little Pieces's was ironicly found in a million little peices last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
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When Darth Vader memorably uttered, "Impressive, Most Impressive", he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
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The Jack Bauer Severe Incapacitating Chest Punch is illegal in 27 states.
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Jack Bauer uses pepper spray to re-wet his eyes and get the red out.
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Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
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The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
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To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in."
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Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
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Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
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Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
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Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to "establish a perimeter", he is the perimeter.
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If you're being interrogated and you hear Jack say "hacksaw", say goodbye to your head.
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The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
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Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look close, through the dust, you'll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledge hammer.
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When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
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After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the sun, but around his gigantic balls.
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Jack Bauer. When you absolutely, positively need to kill every motherfucking terrorist in the city. Accept no subsitute.
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Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
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Jack bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
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When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
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James Bond's "License to Kill" was given to him by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's penis is so large that the head has only seen the balls in pictures.
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A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.
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The term "power hour" has been replaced by "bauer hour".
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.
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There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
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Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack's arrival.
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Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2
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Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
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If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner. Somebody is going to die.
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Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
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Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white. The first example of this ability is Eminem.
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When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn't shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he'd had more time to do to her before killing her.
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Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
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When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher's would never come out of their holes.
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There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
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When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
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Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
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Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry. You won't like him when he is angry.
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Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.
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The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
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The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
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Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend. She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
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Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
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Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
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An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
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In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.
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Jack Bauer once won a boxing match agaisnt Rocky. With his hands tied behind his back.
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The real reason the NHL ended the lockout last summer was not because the owners and players finally agreed to a contract. It was because Jack Bauer wanted to see some hockey games (when he wasn't killing terrorists).
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Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.
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If you dare read Jack's file, the first thing he's going to do is cut out your left eye...
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Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
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Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
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What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name. He will gundown your family for that.
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Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself.
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Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
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The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
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Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him.
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In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
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Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
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Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass. Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
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Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
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The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
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When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.
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In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
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The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
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Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years. In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.
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Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling. He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation. He can.
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Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
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Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business & pleasure.
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Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
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Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
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Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon. He pardons the President.
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Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
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Now we know it's a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
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It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics. And wins it.
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Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
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The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
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Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
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The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
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When asked what to do about the water around New Orleans, Jack said, "Damn it".
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When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
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Jack Bauer has no friends on Myspace. Everyone who adds him becomes a target by several terrorist networks, and they are found dead the next day for not giving up Jack's location.
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The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
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Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets.
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Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
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Jack Bauer can win the world series of poker without being dealt a hand.
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Jack Bauer once shot a Terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
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Jack Bauer forced Mother Theresa to confess to several crimes.
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Jack Bauer doesn’t sweat, sweat sweats Jack Bauer.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.
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Jack Bauer once wiped out an entire Chinese restaurant because he thought there was a bomb in his fortune cookie.
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Jack Bauer didn't temporarily die from being tortured, he was getting bored of the terrorists antics and decided to take a nap before killing them.
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The real reason women love Jack Bauer: He can find the Clitoris. Always.
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It took this website's admin up to a week to post this fact. Jack Bauer would've had it up in 24 hours.
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Jack Bauer once used a retard to capture the most wanted terrorist and take down three of his subordinates.
...no, seriously, he did.
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When CTU didn't have a hacksaw per his request, Jack used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of a suspect.
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Black holes aren't black holes. Thats the gravitational pull from Jack Bauer's Balls.
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When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
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Jack Bauer's preferred method of killing terrorists is actually just pointing his gun in the general direction he wants to shoot and using his sheer force of will to realign time and space so that the bullet from the gun is now in the terrorist. Trig...
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Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants.
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When Jack Bauer sees a terrorist with half a head, he stops laughing and reloads.
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Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
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If Jack Bauer wants his bullets to kill Superman, his bullets will kill Superman.
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Jack Bauer keeps a gun in his couch. You don't want to know what he keeps in his La-Z-Boy.
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Jack Bauer once hit two home runs on the same pitch.
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Jack Bauer once ate Froot Loops and was told to follow his nose. He ended up finding 40 terrorists in an abandoned warehouse.
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In the shadows, a team of CIA specialists follow Jack Bauer at all times, ready to collect his tears for chemical warfare production.
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In Season 5 episode 5. When Jack Bauer was attacked by the assassin, he didn't crack Jack Bauer's rib. Jack Bauer's rib cracked the assassin's fist.
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Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"
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When God said “Let there be light,” Jack Bauer said “Say please.”
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Jack Bauer tortured every member of the ACLU until they revealed the location of every terrorist cell in the U.S.
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Jack Bauer always hits above 16 in Blackjack.
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Jack Bauer always gets Blackjack in Vegas. Always.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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The number one cause of death in America is heart disease. The number one cause of heart disease is fear of Jack Bauer.
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Richard Hellar came out of the closet not because he was gay but because Jack was in there.
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Jack Bauer attracts terrorists like his daughter attracts psychos and mountain lions.
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Whenever Jack Bauer's cars run out of gas, he simply does one of two things: either hotwires another person's car or points a gun at another person and takes it. Basically he is the Federal Agent equivalent of "Grand Theft Auto".
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When Tony Montana said, 'Say Hello to my little friend,' he was talking about Jack Bauer.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies.
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Jack Bauer's case of the Mondays was that there weren't enough terrorists to kill in a day.
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We once had a bachelor party for Bauer. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
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Twenty-four is getting stupid. Jack Bauer had to hold his breath so he wouldn not breathe in gas. Since when does Jack Bauer need to breathe? Jack Bauer lives off killing people, not oxygen.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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If Jack Bauer and Walker, Texas Ranger ever happened to get within 10 feet of each other, the universe will explode. Fortunately, they would both survive.
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Jack Bauer doesn't just beat addiction, he shoots it with a gun.
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When Jack Bauer eats Skittles, a rainbow leads him to the next terrorist that he is going to kill.
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Jack Bauer's real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. No. Really. It is.
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Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it's game over.
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"The Lost Boys" is a documentary on Jack Bauer's early undercover work infiltrating a group of vampire terrorists.
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Jack Bauer is only allergic to one thing: Live Terrorists.
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When Jack Bauer proposed to his girlfriend, she said she wanted to keep her last name. Jack responded, "Is your last name 'deathwish'?"
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Jack Bauer kills time for fun.
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"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
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Jack Bauer doesn't get crabs. He gets lobsters.
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The only reason Jack Bauer hasn't killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.
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Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
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Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
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Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
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If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
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If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
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When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
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How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?
First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
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Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
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Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again. The fact speaks for itself.
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Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
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Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny. They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
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Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
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Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex. He has sex again.
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When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
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The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
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Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be included in Counterstrike, but was left out because no one wanted to be a terrorist.
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The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
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On Valentines Day, Jack Bauer likes to watch "Saw" with his girlfriend. When asked why, he said he finds it "soothing and sweet."
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Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet.
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Jack bauer doesn't eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
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When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
%
Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
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God created the universe in 6 days. That’s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
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Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
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Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you. Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
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On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko.
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When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
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Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
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Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
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At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
%
Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
%
Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
%
When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
%
When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
%
Jack Bauer's electrical appliances work in European outlets.
%
When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
%
Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
%
Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
%
When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
%
It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
%
In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.
Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
%
CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
%
Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
%
Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
%
Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
%
Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...
%
Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
%
If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he'd be drilling in ANWR.
%
After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
%
When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
%
For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
%
If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
%
Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
%
Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
%
When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup. Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
%
There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
%
Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
%
If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
%
Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
%
Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
%
Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
%
Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
%
When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
%
Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.
%
Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:
*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
%
Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.
%
Vegas takes no odds on Jack Bauer versus a terrorist. The chance of the terrorist dying is always 100%.
%
Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
%
Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
%
Jack Bauer can tie his own straight jacket.
%
Because of Jack Bauer, car dealers now offer customers an optional handle in which terrorists can be tied to while being tortured.
%
Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.
%
Jack Bauer stole lunch money from the bully.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Many ask what happened to Beruz in season 4. To Jack Bauer the day is a game, and if you leave the designated area without the blessing of Jack you get erased from existence.
%
LA recently instituted a new city beautification program. They painted a giant picture of Jack Bauer's face covering the whole city. Now LA's birds are all gone because nothing shits on Jack Bauer and lives.
%
Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer stole the cookie from the cookie jar. And then he shot you for asking him about it.
%
Jack Bauer's Guidance Counselor once asked him what he wanted to do with his life. Bauer told him what his plans were for life after high school, but then he had to kill him.
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer hates the show Lost.
%
John Hancock is renowned for making his Jack Bauer on the Declaration of Independence.
%
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
%
Jack Bauer hates WACH-TV 57 in South Carolina, and broke the fingers of both news anchors before knocking them out. No newscast cuts off the last 10 minutes of his show.
%
The Spanish Inquisition started when Jack Bauer once asked for directions to a Taco Bell.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
%
Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
%
"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
%
When Jack Bauer read "Dianetics", he killed L. Ron Hubbard for mental terrorism.
%
Jack Bauer can substitute Z's for vowels in Scrabble.
%
They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn't take shit from anybody.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
%
Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
%
Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.
%
Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
%
The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
%
The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
%
Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look.
%
Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped.
%
Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
%
There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
%
President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
%
If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
%
To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
%
On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building. This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart. Where does Bauer get velociraptors? A...
%
When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
%
For Valentine’s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
%
Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
%
When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
%
Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings' eye for fun.
%
Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm rou...
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer won his third grade spelling bee. He spelt whatever the hell he wanted.
%
Jack Bauer could fill a pool with the blood of those he's killed, unfortunately I don't think he could fit the Pacific Ocean in his backyard.
%
On Halloween, a child stopped at Jack Bauers house dressed in a terrorist costume. Jack killed him with a piece of candy corn before he noticed the difference.
%
Before Jack Bauer went to Vegas, the slot machine was known as the "two-armed bandit".
%
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death.
%
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
%
Jack Bauer's nickname is "Taco Bell" because he makes terrorists run for the border.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need "Tivo", televisions skip commercials for him regardless.
%
The reason it's so easy for terrorits to infiltrate CTU? Jack Bauer loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
%
Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
%
Jack Bauer located the other side of a mobius strip.
%
Jack Bauer demanded to see the stars, so the clouds moved out of the way.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter in the time it takes you to get dressed in the morning.
%
Jack Bauer gave the sun a sunburn.
%
The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
%
Jack Bauer can look at white rice and turn it brown.
%
Jack Bauer is the one who actually brought about the collapse of the USSR. He is known to the Russians as "Jakhail Bauerbachev".
%
When Jack slid across the ground and shot the Chinese vehicle it wasn't because he needed to slide, it was because he wanted to add some style points to his kills.
%
Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
%
Jack Bauer, in order to escape a terrorist trap, once ate his own left hand. When he got out, a new hand, a machine gun, and six bears grew back in its place.
%
Why else do they call it JACKing off?
%
Jack Bauer impregnated his wife by ejaculating on his bullets and firing them into her womb.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer's favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
%
When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
%
A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
%
When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.
%
On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
There once 'was' a man from Nantucket. Jack Bauer shot him.
%
Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
%
When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
%
David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
%
fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN
%
Jack Bauer shaves the sights off his guns, they get in his way when he is trying to shoot.
%
If there is one thing Jack Bauer hates as much as terrorists, it's protocol.
%
Jack bauer know's where the beef is.
%
Jack Bauer can break eleven fingers at once, good thing you only have ten.
%
Acme-2zicon
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
cpanfile.snapshot view on Meta::CPAN
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Merida 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Metlakatla 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Mexico_City 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Miquelon 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Moncton 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Monterrey 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Montevideo 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Montreal 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Nassau 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::New_York 1.75
DateTime::TimeZone::America::Nipigon 1.75
Acme-3mxA
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
1337.37
- Unfortunately search.cpan.org has totally broken Unicode in package names, so
reluctantly renaming distro from Acme::ÇmÉ”A to the really awful Acme::3mxA.
1337.1
- Before perl 5.8.9 you helpfully get a "Unknown error" when compiling, require 5.8.9.
- Add configure_requires for PadWalker too.
1337
- Initial version
Acme-6502
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
lib/Acme/6502/Tube.pm view on Meta::CPAN
0xA9, 0x0A, # LDA #&0A
0x20, 0xEE, 0xFF, # JSR &FFEE
0xA9, 0x0D # LDA #&0D
);
# BRK handler. The interrupt handling is bogus - so don't
# generate any interrupts before fixing it :)
$self->poke_code(
0xFF00, 0x85, 0xFC, 0x68, 0x58, 0x29, 0x10, 0xF0,
0x17, 0x8A, 0x48, 0xBA, 0x38, 0xBD, 0x02, 0x01,
0xE9, 0x01, 0x85, 0xFD, 0xBD, 0x03, 0x01, 0xE9,
0x00, 0x85, 0xFE, 0x68, 0xAA, 0x6C, 0x02, 0x02,
lib/Acme/6502/Tube.pm view on Meta::CPAN
my $call = $self->{ os }->[ $vecno ] || die "Bad OS call $vecno\n";
$call->[ 0 ]->( $self );
};
if ( $@ ) {
my $err = $@;
$self->write_16( ERROR, 0x7F00 );
$err =~ s/\s+/ /;
$err =~ s/^\s+//;
$err =~ s/\s+$//;
warn $err;
my $ep = ERROR + 2;
for ( map ord, split //, $err ) {
$self->write_8( $ep++, $_ );
}
$self->write_8( $ep++, 0x00 );
$self->set_pc( ERROR );
}
Acme-Acotie
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# Whether or not inc::Module::Install is actually loaded, the
# $INC{inc/Module/Install.pm} is what will still get set as long as
# the caller loaded module this in the documented manner.
# If not set, the caller may NOT have loaded the bundled version, and thus
# they may not have a MI version that works with the Makefile.PL. This would
# result in false errors or unexpected behaviour. And we don't want that.
my $file = join( '/', 'inc', split /::/, __PACKAGE__ ) . '.pm';
unless ( $INC{$file} ) { die <<"END_DIE" }
Please invoke ${\__PACKAGE__} with:
Acme-Addslashes
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. The
General Public License applies to the Free Software Foundation's
software and to any other program whose authors commit to using it.
You can use it for your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Specifically, the General Public License is designed to make
sure that you have the freedom to give away or sell copies of free
software, that you receive source code or can get it if you want it,
that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new free
programs; and that you know you can do these things.
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and
disclaimer of warranty; keep intact all the notices that refer to this
General Public License and to the absence of any warranty; and give any
other recipients of the Program a copy of this General Public License
along with the Program. You may charge a fee for the physical act of
transferring a copy.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of
it, and copy and distribute such modifications under the terms of Paragraph
1 above, provided that you also do the following:
that there is no warranty (or else, saying that you provide a
warranty) and that users may redistribute the program under these
conditions, and telling the user how to view a copy of this General
Public License.
d) You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a
copy, and you may at your option offer warranty protection in
exchange for a fee.
Mere aggregation of another independent work with the Program (or its
derivative) on a volume of a storage or distribution medium does not bring
c) accompany it with the information you received as to where the
corresponding source code may be obtained. (This alternative is
allowed only for noncommercial distribution and only if you
received the program in object code or executable form alone.)
Source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable file, complete source code means
all the source code for all modules it contains; but, as a special
exception, it need not include source code for modules which are standard
libraries that accompany the operating system on which the executable
file runs, or for standard header files or definitions files that
Acme-Affinity
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
t/00-compile.t view on Meta::CPAN
my @warnings;
for my $lib (@module_files)
{
# see L<perlfaq8/How can I capture STDERR from an external command?>
my $stderr = IO::Handle->new;
diag('Running: ', join(', ', map { my $str = $_; $str =~ s/'/\\'/g; q{'} . $str . q{'} }
$^X, @switches, '-e', "require q[$lib]"))
if $ENV{PERL_COMPILE_TEST_DEBUG};
my $pid = open3($stdin, '>&STDERR', $stderr, $^X, @switches, '-e', "require q[$lib]");
binmode $stderr, ':crlf' if $^O eq 'MSWin32';
my @_warnings = <$stderr>;
waitpid($pid, 0);
is($?, 0, "$lib loaded ok");
shift @_warnings if @_warnings and $_warnings[0] =~ /^Using .*\bblib/
and not eval { +require blib; blib->VERSION('1.01') };
Acme-Aheui
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
t/01_aheui.t view on Meta::CPAN
}
}
{ # termination code
my $source = 'ë° ížˆ';
my ($stdout, $stderr, @result) = capture {
my $interpreter = Acme::Aheui->new( source => $source );
$interpreter->execute();
};
is( $stdout, '' );
is( $stderr, '' );
is( $result[0], 7 );
}
{ # hello world
my $source = << '__SOURCE__';
t/01_aheui.t view on Meta::CPAN
ë«ƒë´Œí† ë²”ë”벌뿌뚜
뽑뽀멓멓ë”벓ë»ëš
ë½€ë©ë²ë©“ë»ë•ë”ë²…
__SOURCE__
my ($stdout, $stderr, @result) = capture {
my $interpreter = Acme::Aheui->new( source => $source );
$interpreter->execute();
};
is( $stdout, "Hello, world!\n" );
is( $stderr, '' );
}
{ # exit without infinite loop in case of null program
my ($stdout, $stderr, @result) = capture {
my $interpreter = Acme::Aheui->new( source => '' );
$interpreter->execute();
};
is( $stdout, '' );
is( $stderr, '' );
}
{ # exit without infinite loop in case of no initial command
my $source = "abc\ndef\nghi\n\n\n_반밧나ë§ížˆ\n";
my ($stdout, $stderr, @result) = capture {
my $interpreter = Acme::Aheui->new( source => $source );
$interpreter->execute();
};
is( $stdout, '' );
is( $stderr, '' );
}
{ # input number
my ($stdout, $stderr, @result) = capture {
my $stdin;
open($stdin,'<&STDIN');
*STDIN = *DATA;
my $interpreter = Acme::Aheui->new( source => 'ë°©ë¹ ë§ë§ížˆ' );
$interpreter->execute();
*STDIN = $stdin;
};
is( $stdout, '369369' );
is( $stderr, '' );
}
{ # input characters
my ($stdout, $stderr, @result) = capture {
my $stdin;
open($stdin,'<&STDIN');
*STDIN = *DATA;
my $interpreter = Acme::Aheui->new(
source => '밯밯맣맣히',
t/01_aheui.t view on Meta::CPAN
);
$interpreter->execute();
*STDIN = $stdin;
};
is( decode('utf-8', $stdout), '몽즙' );
is( $stderr, '' );
}
done_testing();
Acme-AirRead
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# Whether or not inc::Module::Install is actually loaded, the
# $INC{inc/Module/Install.pm} is what will still get set as long as
# the caller loaded module this in the documented manner.
# If not set, the caller may NOT have loaded the bundled version, and thus
# they may not have a MI version that works with the Makefile.PL. This would
# result in false errors or unexpected behaviour. And we don't want that.
my $file = join( '/', 'inc', split /::/, __PACKAGE__ ) . '.pm';
unless ( $INC{$file} ) { die <<"END_DIE" }
Please invoke ${\__PACKAGE__} with:
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# If the modification time is only slightly in the future,
# sleep briefly to remove the problem.
my $a = $s - time;
if ( $a > 0 and $a < 5 ) { sleep 5 }
# Too far in the future, throw an error.
my $t = time;
if ( $s > $t ) { die <<"END_DIE" }
Your installer $0 has a modification time in the future ($s > $t).
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# I'm still wondering if we should slurp Makefile.PL to
# get some context or not ...
my ($package, $file, $line) = caller;
die <<"EOT";
Unknown function is found at $file line $line.
Execution of $file aborted due to runtime errors.
If you're a contributor to a project, you may need to install
some Module::Install extensions from CPAN (or other repository).
If you're a user of a module, please contact the author.
EOT
Acme-AjiFry
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
software--to make sure the software is free for all its users. The
General Public License applies to the Free Software Foundation's
software and to any other program whose authors commit to using it.
You can use it for your programs, too.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Specifically, the General Public License is designed to make
sure that you have the freedom to give away or sell copies of free
software, that you receive source code or can get it if you want it,
that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new free
programs; and that you know you can do these things.
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice and
disclaimer of warranty; keep intact all the notices that refer to this
General Public License and to the absence of any warranty; and give any
other recipients of the Program a copy of this General Public License
along with the Program. You may charge a fee for the physical act of
transferring a copy.
2. You may modify your copy or copies of the Program or any portion of
it, and copy and distribute such modifications under the terms of Paragraph
1 above, provided that you also do the following:
that there is no warranty (or else, saying that you provide a
warranty) and that users may redistribute the program under these
conditions, and telling the user how to view a copy of this General
Public License.
d) You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a
copy, and you may at your option offer warranty protection in
exchange for a fee.
Mere aggregation of another independent work with the Program (or its
derivative) on a volume of a storage or distribution medium does not bring
c) accompany it with the information you received as to where the
corresponding source code may be obtained. (This alternative is
allowed only for noncommercial distribution and only if you
received the program in object code or executable form alone.)
Source code for a work means the preferred form of the work for making
modifications to it. For an executable file, complete source code means
all the source code for all modules it contains; but, as a special
exception, it need not include source code for modules which are standard
libraries that accompany the operating system on which the executable
file runs, or for standard header files or definitions files that
Acme-Albed
view release on metacpan or search on metacpan
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# Whether or not inc::Module::Install is actually loaded, the
# $INC{inc/Module/Install.pm} is what will still get set as long as
# the caller loaded module this in the documented manner.
# If not set, the caller may NOT have loaded the bundled version, and thus
# they may not have a MI version that works with the Makefile.PL. This would
# result in false errors or unexpected behaviour. And we don't want that.
my $file = join( '/', 'inc', split /::/, __PACKAGE__ ) . '.pm';
unless ( $INC{$file} ) { die <<"END_DIE" }
Please invoke ${\__PACKAGE__} with:
inc/Module/Install.pm view on Meta::CPAN
# If the modification time is only slightly in the future,
# sleep briefly to remove the problem.
my $a = $s - time;
if ( $a > 0 and $a < 5 ) { sleep 5 }
# Too far in the future, throw an error.
my $t = time;
if ( $s > $t ) { die <<"END_DIE" }
Your installer $0 has a modification time in the future ($s > $t).
( run in 1.325 second using v1.01-cache-2.11-cpan-49f99fa48dc )