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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
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Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
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Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
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If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
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Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
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When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
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Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
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When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
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In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
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Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
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When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Towels run in fear of being shoved down people's throats when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer has banged more moms than the MILF Hunter.
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When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
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God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
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Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
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The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
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Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
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The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
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When Jack Bauer has the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack’s watching.