Acme-24

 view release on metacpan or  search on metacpan

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.
%
When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
%
Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
%
Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
%
After beating up Walt during filming of Season 5, Jack said "Looks like Walt Cummings is now Walt Goings."

While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn't laugh.

The rest is history.
%
Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
%
If Jack Bauer shoots you with a Nerf gun, you're dead.
%
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store.  Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head.  This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
%
Priests confess to Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
%
Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
%
Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
%
Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
%
Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
%
Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
%
The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
%
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
%
When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
%
Don’t tell Bill Paxton, but Jack Bauer actually has the Heart of the Ocean.
%
If Jack Bauer says he would tell you but he'd have to kill you, he'll probably kill you anyway.
%
Jack Bauer is dead on the inside, so that you can be alive on the outside.
%
If Jack Bauer says: "I need a hack saw..."  get him a hack saw.  And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack's about to cut into... He'll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
%
The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.

The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.

Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
%
Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.
%
Jack Bauer drinks milk after the expiration date.
%
When Jack Bauer sees a sign saying "slippery when wet" he hovers.
%
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
%
The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
%
Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
%
When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
%
It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
%
In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.

Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
%
Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
%
Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
%
Jack Bauer is old fashioned.  He doesn't kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.
%
Jack Bauer saved 20% by switching to Geico. And it only took him 10 minutes.