Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Why did Forrest Gump run so fast?  Jack Bauer was chasing him.
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Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa. 
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Jack Bauer knows who cut the cheese.
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Jack Bauer's only kidding.  He knows who you're working for.
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Regis once asked Jack Bauer if it was his final answer. He now has what once no one thought possible - more plastic surgery than Kathie Lee.
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If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
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Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
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Crosswalks weren't made for Jack Bauer, if a car doesn't stop for him, the car loses.
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By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
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Switzerland chose to be neutral to make sure they were always on Jack Bauer's good side. 

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
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Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
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The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
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Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.
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Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
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Jack Bauer's flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
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Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
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24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned. 
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Jack's 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetary plots.  
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Jack Bauer did not get hit by a car. The car got hit by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's shadow has 8 kills.
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One time, Jack Bauer stubbed his toe, and subsequently destroyed the entire country of Saudi Arabia.
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Jack Bauer was kicked out of the army for shoving a towel down a colleagues throat after he dropped his soap by Jack's feet, and winked.
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Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer's name.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
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Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense.  In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs he will kill you that much faster.
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Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson's body.
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Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
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Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
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If Jack Bauer was in Final Destination, Death would try to cheat him.
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Every year, atomic clocks are adjusted to Jack Bauer time.
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Jack Bauer once faked his own death by hiding in the stomach of Edgar Stiles for 2 seasons solely surviving on Big Macs and Krispy Kreme donuts. 
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The Chinese didn't admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said "That tickled."
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When Jack Bauer looks at Edgar, he is temporarily unretarded. 
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The only reason Michael Jordan finally retired is because Jack Bauer wanted to join the NBA for recreation.
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Jack refuses to play the lottery. It just wouldn't be fair to the millions of other players.
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Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
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Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
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Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but  realized his mistake and shot the President.  Jack Bauer is never wrong.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
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G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
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Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
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There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
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In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
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Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
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Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective.  The result was Jack Bauer.
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Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
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Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
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If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.  
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If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
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When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
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When someone on the airplane yelled "Hi Jack," Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him.  Lesson: Don't talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
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Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
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The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
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There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
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You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
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Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
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Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
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In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
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Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
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Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
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Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
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Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
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The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
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When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

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In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
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The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
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If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
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When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga. 
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Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
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Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting. 
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Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
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"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
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President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
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Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
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Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
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The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.