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Acme-24

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When Jack Bauer found out that Chapelle was secretly watching CSI instead of 24, he shot him.
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Sprint cellphone sales skyrocketed after Jack Bauer showed people how to use them to blow up terrorists.
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Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
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In Season 2 when Jack is stripped down by the terrorists before torture, the camera caught a glimpse of his testicles. Unfortunately for viewers, scientists have yet to provide us with a storage medium of adequate capacity to archive Jack's immense b...
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When interrogating a suspect, they say everyone has a breaking point, for most it takes hours, maybe days to crack someone. Give Jack Bauer one bullet and it'll take 2 seconds, gun and hacksaw optional.
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Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
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Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
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The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
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When Kim brings new boyfriends to meet Jack, he doesn't shake hands with them. He introduces them to Chase.
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Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
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Mr. T does not pity Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer is no fool.

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Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer didn't ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy's head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
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The movie "Hostel" is about a hotel where people go to relax after being tortured by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead. 
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Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
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Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
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Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
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Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
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Jack Bauer doesn't fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
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Chloe got her "personality disorder" after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.  
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If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interuption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn't Pardon it.

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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
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David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
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Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
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Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. He knows that he never has problem he can't handle, regardless of druggings, bullet wounds, hostages and sleep deprivation.
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When Jack Bauer torrents, everyone seeds.

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Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.
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A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
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Jack Bauer waited for Godot once; then Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer knows entire value of 'pi'.
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If you killed Jack Bauer's friend and you've been shot, don't count on going to a hospital.
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After taking Levitra, Jack Bauer has 24 hour erections.  He kills terrorists instead of seeking immediate medical attention.
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Jack Bauer is the only man that make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
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If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
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If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has not killed you. Yet.
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Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.
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Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer's day off.
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After being tortured, castrated, and delimbed, Jack Bauer's only response was, "Dammit."
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Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
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Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
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If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas.  Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, h...
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God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God. 

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Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
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Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
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If Jack Bauer shoots you, it's because he has a plan.  If you live, you're part of that plan.
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When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
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Someone asked me how my day went, and I told them, "I feel like Jack Bauer just questioned me."
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Being Jack Bauer's caddy is the worst job in the world. He constantly has a gun to your head demanding to know where his ball is.
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If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
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When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean "Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?"
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Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
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When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
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The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade. 
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Jack Bauer thinks Martini's shaken not stirred are for pussies.
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Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
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When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

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If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
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Cindy Crawford's mole makes Jack Bauer want to torture her for information.
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Jack Bauer once killed a man claiming to be Jesus. Jack knew he was lying, because there couldn't possibly be two Sons of God standing in the same room together.
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Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
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Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.
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Jack Bauer once made a woman orgasm by looking at her. He then killed her to prevent the terrorist's from overhearing her screams.
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Jack Bauer tried to order breakfast at McDonalds once. When he was told by a McDonalds assosiate that they don't serve breakfast after 11am, he grabbed the assosiate, shot him in the leg, and asked him: "What is your primary objective?"
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The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
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The real reason why all those famous heroes like Hercules, Achilles, and Perseus lived in ancient times was because they didn't want to compete with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.
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In order to call the show 24, they have to film Jack Bauer in slow motion.

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Jack Bauer doesn't work for CTU. CTU works for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
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Jack Bauer is the only one who knows the true location of Homer Simpson's Springfield.
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A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
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Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
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Sometimes Jack Bauer uses blanks because he likes to see terrorists squirm. This is his idea of entertainment.
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Jack Bauer has chopped an arm off of a man 5 times, only once was it necessary to save lives.
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Jack Bauer's 13 round HK magazine can actually hold 15 bullets.
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If you pretend that you are retarded, Jack will not hurt you.
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Why did Forrest Gump run so fast?  Jack Bauer was chasing him.
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Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked. 
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When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers.  Jack Bauer is the only hero.
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When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
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The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but  Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
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Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."
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Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
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During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
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Only Jack Bauer's sperm could create something so hot as Elisha Cuthbert.
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Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
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Jack Bauer got all the Noble Gases to bond together.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer changed the number of the beast to 667.
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The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
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To Jack Bauer, the "quicker, picker upper" is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
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Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
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Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
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Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 
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Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
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Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
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If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
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Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
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Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you&#x2019;re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

A good looking man once challenged Jack Bauer to a boxing match.  That man is Sam Cassell.
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Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use condoms for birth control, he uses guns.
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Jack Bauer is not CTU. Jack Bauer will come and get you himself.
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Jack Bauer won a fight with Ditka.
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Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
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Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
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When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
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Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
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Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT's. The old SAT's.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
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Jack Bauer's HIV positive. Nobody screws Jack Bauer and lives.
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If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
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Barry Bonds was on steroids.  Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
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While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
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Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.
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Jack Bauer hates jazz.  The result?

Hurricane Katrina.
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One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, "Today is the longest day of my life."
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Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he has nightmares about Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thinks his shit don't stink. He's right.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They're in good hands.
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If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
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When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
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The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
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The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
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Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
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While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
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Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
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There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
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Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.
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The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
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Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass's death.  Sure, that's true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
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The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
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Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
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Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.  
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Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn't get AIDS.
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Jack Bauer thinks protocol means "To kill". Now it does. 
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In the Season 5 prequel on the Season 4 DVD, Jack Bauer has long, Jesus like hair. Coincidence? I think not.
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Jack Bauer can drink a beer and piss it simultaneously.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
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Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
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The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
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Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
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Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
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It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.
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When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
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Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
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The reason Edgar Stiles has such a bad lisp is because Jack Bauer socked him the face after saying Chuck Norris was cool.
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Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he's getting for Christmas.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive.  So he could kill her again.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
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Jack Bauer was the only one to redeem his frequent flyer miles from David Spade.
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Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
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Pandora actually opened Bauer's Box.
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Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.
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Jack Bauer wasn't able to shake Audrey Raines out of her catatonic state because he could relate to her. It was because he had a gun in his hand. If you give Jack Bauer a gun, he can do anything. 
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When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a tota...
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Losers always whine about their best... Jack Bauer goes home and fucks the prom queen.
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Jack Bauer took 'Hit me baby one more time' as an invitation. 9 months later, Britney had a baby.
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Earthquakes are a direct result of Jack Bauer taking a shit.
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There are a few phrases that Jack Bauer can utter to you that mean death.  They are "You have to trust me" and "You are the only one who can do this."  While death isn't instant, it is inevitable.
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Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
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Jack Bauer is better at killing terrorists than suicide bombers.
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Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
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Whenever your electricity goes off its not because there has been a power cut, its because Jack Bauer is torturing someone.
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Jack Bauer made duct tape for the common man.
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It takes Jack Bauer 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
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In addition to working at CTU, Jack Bauer also holds a part-time job at the IRS.  Hence the phrase, "Death and taxes are the only sure things in life."
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The game known as Jacks was actually named Pick Em Up until Jack Bauer picked up all the pieces, disarmed a bomb, and killed 10 terrorist in one turn.
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John McCain says torture doesn't work. Jack Bauer tortured him until he said that.
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Martin Luther King Jr. dreamt of Jack Bauer.
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In the event of a crash your corpse doubles as Jack Bauers flotation device.
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If MacGyver and Chuck Norris had a kid,
it would look like Jack Bouer&#x2019;s shit.
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There must be balance in the world.  When Jack Bauer was created, it was necessary to take the masculinity from one for the good of many.  And this is why President Logan is such a pussy.
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Jack Bauer can find the square root of -1.
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When Jack Bauer wants a vacation, every terrorist in Los Angeles is dead within an hour.
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The playoffs once went into overtime before the season premiere of 24. It was sudden death overtime because Jack Bauer went there and shot all the players. No one preempts Jack Bauer.
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When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to wait in line at the DMV.
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Jack Bauer will never need a concealed carry permit, his gun is never concealed.
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Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.
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Jack Bauer is so attuned to the minds of terrorists.  While searching for terrorists, all Jack has to do is listen to the sounds of a someone on the crapper to know whether he is a terrorist.  Jack Bauer also uses this strategy on dates.  
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Jack toilet trained Kim at gunpoint.
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If you're in Jack Bauer's hands, you're not covered under our policy. That's Allstate's stand.
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Contrary to poular belief, Jack Bauer kept Chase's arm.
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The Price Is ALWAYS Right for Jack Bauer.
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The liquid solution that CTU injects into suspected terrorists during interrogation is actually Jack Bauer's semen. It isn't pain the subject feels, but rather a crippling sensory overload of pleasure, on contact. No human body can withstand it.

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Jack Bauer once struck someone out on two pitches.
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Jack Bauer taught the Russians how to play "Russian Roulette".
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Steven Segal doesn't watch porn, he jacks off to episodes of 24.
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In 2010, our legal system will change.  We will no longer swear to God, we will swear to Jack Bauer.
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There's a bullet out there with Jack Bauer's name on it. Actually, there are millions of them: He has his own signature line.
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What happens when you break Jack Bauer's rib. He takes it and stabs you with it.
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Jack Bauer is the other white meat.
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If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever. 
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Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he  passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
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Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
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The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.  
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At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession.  All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.  
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Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
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Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.

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All of the guns used on 24 aren't real, yet Jack's gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
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Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
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Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
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Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
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Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
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When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
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When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
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After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer allows himself to be stabbed, shot or tortured as a means of relieving stress, similar to accupuncture.
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Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
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'Lesbian' is a latin phase, which roughly translates to;

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune. 
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Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
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Jack Bauer did not pledge a fraternity in college, a fraternity pledged Jack Bauer.
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The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name.  Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
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In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
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When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
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Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
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Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being &#x2018;put under&#x2019; in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.

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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
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Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
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Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.
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Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
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Jack Bauer's flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
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Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
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24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned. 
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Jack's 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetary plots.  
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Jack Bauer did not get hit by a car. The car got hit by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's shadow has 8 kills.
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One time, Jack Bauer stubbed his toe, and subsequently destroyed the entire country of Saudi Arabia.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he's sober again in six minutes.

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What do you call Jack Bauer with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake? Extremely dangerous.
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Jack Bauer is the American dream.  That is to say when America sleeps it dreams of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
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There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
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Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.
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If Jack Bauer had a nickel for every time he killed a terrorist, he would own the U.S.
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Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner.  He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to sleep.  He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
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The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."
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If anyone haunts Satan's dreams, its Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has the schematics of heaven on his PDA.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

In 1996, Lance Armstrong got in a fight with Jack Bauer. Since then, Lance has only had one testicle...
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Jack Bauer was never taught to use his "indoor voice".
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Upon finding David Palmer's dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as "the Unit" and moved him to another network.  
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Mulder and Scully left the X-Files too soon. They would've realized that the truth is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not drive fast, his car is just always trying to get away.
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Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes.  Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
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Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
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Jack Bauer really did kill Victor Drazin the first time, but he brought him back to life so he could do it again.
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When Kennedy promised we would reach the moon, it was because he learned Jack Bauer had been born than morning.
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When asked why, he always answers, "because I'm Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer won in Tic-Tac-Toe in two moves.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer eats Hotpockets as soon as they're done.
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In America, Jack Bauer kills you.

In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer kills you.
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When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
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Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton's tree.
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Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night. 

He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu.  Because he's hungry.
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On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he'll have made it forget him.
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Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
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Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
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Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
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CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
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Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
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Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the &#x201C;LOST&#x201D; island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray &amp; found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
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Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
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Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
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Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
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Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
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9 out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
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When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
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Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
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Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
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When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
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Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
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Jack Bauer doesn't interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
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Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick.  While playing goalie.  
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It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
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Harley Davidson was originally named Bauer Davidson, but Jack refused to have his name associated with such a pussy bike.
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Jack Bauer only needs one page to solve the Da Vinci Code, not 454.
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Jack Bauer wakes up before the alarm goes off. 
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Jack Bauer fears one thing and one thing only: Unprotected Sex.  Why?  Two words, "Kim Bauer".
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Jack's wife once started to smoke, so he had to slow down.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits... Jack Bauer does not have the luxury to sleep or wait, because your life depends on it.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
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50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless Jack Bauer is the man who taught you how to fish. Then your lifetime is very close to over.
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If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way. 
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Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.  It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history. 
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Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
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There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
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New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn&#x2019;t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer's sperm is expected to surpass breast cancer as a "leading killer of women" this year.
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Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
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Jack Bauer's penis is actually a Verizon Wireless cell phone tower, so it's perfectly logical that he gets service 30,000 feet in the air inside the hull of a jet.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's gun was specifically made for him. If Chase or Tony ever fired it, the sheer power of it would cause their arm to rip off. That's why it's so loud, and also why every agent other than Jack gets injured.
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Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
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When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
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Jack Bauer cries when he watches "The Patriot."  Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
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The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer".  No matter who you are.
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What should you tell a terrorist that's been shot three times?  Nothing.  Jack Bauer already is about to ask him his first question.
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Jack Bauer&#x2019;s dog put a sign on his fence that read &#x201C;Beware of Jack.&#x201D;
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
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Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don't expect him to use it.
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Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
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Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
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My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer won't let you stop reading these.
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Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn't because it's too easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't re-wear clothing. It's too hard to get the bloodstains out.
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Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already.  In 24 hours.
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If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
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Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
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Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
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In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests. 
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Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
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If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say "Jack Bauer" seven times, he appears and kills you.
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If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
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To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
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Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
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When Jack Bauer says "Screw it," your reply is, "What position, sir?".
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Jack Bauer once drank an entire gallon of milk in less than an hour without using the restroom.
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Jack Bauer can stab himself in the stomach with a hunting knife and never seek medical attention for the wound.
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Jack Bauer could get Ashlee Simpson to sing.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
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Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
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Wolverine stole the phrase, "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice," from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
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Jack Bauer got the world's highest Pac-Man score.  Unfortunately he couldn't enter his initials, it would have blown his cover. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test.  The moment the doctor taps Jack's knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he's just been kicked in the groin.
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Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world.  He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
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Jack Bauer rolled a 13 playing craps in Vegas.
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In Season 3, Ramon Salazar said "Jack Bauer has more lives than a cat". Untrue. Cats only live once.
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If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played. 
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Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
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Vegas dealers dare not question Jack Bauer when he hits on &#x201C;21&#x201D; looking for a trey.  In fact, they better fucking well pay up when he gets it.
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In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.
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If the Great New York Blackout was on a Monday, 24 would've still been on at it's same time.
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The Secretary of Defense's son was straight before he met Jack Bauer.
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Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.
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Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
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Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
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Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
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The only time the terror alert level goes above "severe" is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
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While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over," have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
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Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public.  That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
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Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
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You're either with Jack Bauer or against him.  If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
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In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to "The Chosen One."
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If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
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Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."
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As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
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Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.
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If Jack Bauer had broken into Watergate, Nixon wouldn't have resigned.  As a fringe benefit, there would be no Democrats older than 50 alive today.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
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Jack Bauer won the US Fencing Championship using a sewing needle.
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Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
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Jack Bauer spoke at a "Scared Straight" seminar for juvenile delinquents.  All attendees requested to be transferred directly to jail at age 18. 
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While Jack Bauer does care about the Earth, he has to drive around in an SUV because it's the only thing with enough cargo room for all the bodies.
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When Jack Bauer uses heroine, it is the drug that gets high out of Jack, not the other way around.
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Upon seeing Sean Astin become head of CTU, Jack Bauer immediately shot and killed him to prove to everyone that Goonies, in fact, do die.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. Hope infers the possibility of failure.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger does Jack Bauer impressions at parties.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer smokes pot, the pot gets high.
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Jack Bauer can beat a royal flush.
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The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
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If Jack Bauer was the president, it'd be a one-man administration.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light.  Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a hand gun. He then shoots Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and 12 terrorists. On average this blood is able to save the lives of 50 newborns.
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The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Best Man. Who said anything about a wedding?
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Jack Bauer doesn't ask, he commands.
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Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
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In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
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Jack Bauer was going to be the fifth member of the A-Team but he bailed when he saw that gay van.
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A Jack Bauer interrogation has been scientifically proven more effective and accurate than the strongest truth serums known to man.
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In late August of 2005, Jack heard of a terrorist cell operating out of New Orleans.  He took care of it.
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Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. 
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If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.
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Jack Bauer thinks Walker Texas Ranger is a baseball team.
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Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.
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Jack Bauer can clap with one hand.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Rambo: First Blood Part II is actually footage of Jack Bauer's 2nd grade field trip.
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Jack Bauer
1) verb. the act of performing an act of heroic immensity.
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Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
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Jack Bauer was brought to China to enfore the one-child policy.
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There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
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Jack Bauer touches raw chicken and doesn't wash his hands. 
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If you cant't see well, Jack Bauer will start with the left eye, then he'll move to the right eye, then he's going to start cutting you.
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Jack Bauer did not drop Habib Marwan to his death because Marwan cut his hand; Jack Bauer is immune to pain.  He dropped him because Marwan has sweaty hands.  Very, very sweaty hands.
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Jack Bauer has a another daughter called Rambo.
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Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn't even notice.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense.  In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs he will kill you that much faster.
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Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson's body.
%
Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
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Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.

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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper's last words were "The student has become the master". 
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Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men's heads explode.
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I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
%
7 may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7's kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
%
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
%
When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run.  But you'll only die tired.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't diffuse bombs. He calls it a "Son of a Bitch" and scares the bomb shitless.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
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If Jack Bauer was in the Garden of Eden, there would be no women -- not even God can get close enough to take Jack Bauer's rib.
%
If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

After each day of saving the world, Jack visits the cemetery to leave a bouquet of flowers at Teri's grave and empty a clip into Nina's.
%
Every guy that dates Jack's daughter Kim looses a limb.  Coincidence?  I think not.
%
Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
%
If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't eat steak, he eats cows.
%
If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
%
Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
%
The song 'Stairway To Heaven' is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims. 

Recently it has been changed to 'Escalator to heaven'.
%
Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
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Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.
%
If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
%
Few people know this, but the Geneva Conventions pertain only to "any and all people who are not Jack Bauer."
%
When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.
%
Jack Bauer does not bleed, he's donating it for research.
%
Jack Bauer does not use a keycard, the doors open in sheer terror.
%
Jack Bauer drinks lighter fluid and pisses fire.
%
Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
%
Radioactive fallout won't mutate Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer mutates the radiation.
%
Jack Bauer's Sig reloads it's self because it's scared of him.
%
Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer's mouth were "son of a bitch."

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't perspire, the water in his body simply expires.
%
Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
%
When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
%
Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
%
The pain chart at the hospital reads &#x201D;0&#x201D; for no pain - &#x201C;10&#x201D; being interrogated by Jack Bauer.

%
In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards.  The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.  
%
When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
%
When Jack Bauer pops a pringles can open, he can stop the fun.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need music in his iPod commercials. Either you buy it, or else.
%

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents&#x2019; authority.  He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
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24 was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn't wait on anyone to start killing people.
%
Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
%
Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it's life.
%
If you are fortunate enough to be impregnated by Jack Bauer, be careful: when the baby kicks, you are likely to be pushed across the room.
%
When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
%
It's Jack Bauer's world, and we just live in it. Until we meet Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer always answers the phone with "Yeah!".  Only pussies say "hello".
%
If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris got into a fight, Chuck Norris would knock himself out so that Jack wouldn't touch him.
%
When Jack Bauer whispers into Lil Jon's ear, Lil Jon no longer has a hearing problem.
%
Jack Bauer recently sued Warner Brothers, claiming the legal name for his penis is "The Iron Giant".
%
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
%
If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
%
If God and Jack Bauer were to fight, it would be God that was in a Flank-2 position.
%
Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
%
Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to defeat a terrorist plot. This event was never aired because the entire test audience developed post traumatic stress disorder.
%
Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn't bother. 
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Jack Bauer has to throw his clothes out at the end of the day, anything he wears for longer gets too attached to him.
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The real reason the U.S. Government sold the shipping operations to Dubai Ports was to give Jack Bauer a fresh, readily-accessible supply of terrorists to kill.
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Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
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When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
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Jack Bauer's balls are visible from space.
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Jack Bauer won the slam dunk contest without jumping.
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To prevent a September 11th-esque attack, large buildings are now draping large banners depicting Jack Bauer fucking up terrorists over their sides.
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When Jack shot Victor Drazen 8 times, it wasn't because he was pissed, it was because he wanted to see how many shots he could get off before Victor hit the water.
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Michelle once cheated on Tony with Jack, when Tony found out he went over to Michelle and gave her a pat on the ass.
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Jack Bauer is allowed to take the tags off of mattresses.  
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If you want to get shot in the thigh, tell Jack "I don't know," when he asks you a question.
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"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is tattoed on the inside of Jack's eyelids.
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Jack Bauer tortured the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World in order to learn it's primary objective.
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One time, Jack Bauer ran out of minutes on his cell phone. That was the day of the Northridge earthquake.
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Jack Bauer makes Freddy Kruger wet the bed.
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Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
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People think Jack Bauer can't be shot because the enemies fear him, but it's really the bullets fearing Jack.
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Jack Bauer was once slapped and told to turn the other cheek.  He did, but only to reach for his gun.
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Jack Bauer does not pull out. The girl must know when to push away or else its her problem.
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The reason Mohamed doesn't want pictures of him drawn is because he's afraid Jack Bauer will recognize him.
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When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
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If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he'd have been off the Island with 23 hours &amp; 59 minutes to spare.
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Jack tourtured Paul knowing damn well he wasn't a terrorist. He just hates the British.
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Jack Bauer sank my battleship.
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Don't worry if the nerve gas goes off, Jack Bauer will inhale it and then blow it on the terrorists, and Cummings.
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If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
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Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
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Jack Bauer can heat a burrito so hot that even Jack Bauer cannot hold.
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Jack Bauer doesn't even need to clap twice to turn the lights on.
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Jack Bauer used to beat the crap out of his older cousin for having the same initials as him. his cousin now works for MI6.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When Neo and Jack Bauer fought, Jack shot him. Nobody dodges Jack Bauer's bullets.
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Jack Bauer doesn't aim.  He tells bullets where to go.
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When Jack Bauer runs with scissors, someone WILL get hurt, and it won't be Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer makes omelets without breaking any eggs.
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When Jack Bauer was circumcised, the doctor had to use a guillotine. Afterwards, baby Jack giggled. 
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When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
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A minister, a priest, and a rabi walked into a bar. The minister was a terrorist and was immediately shot by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys.  He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
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The flux capacitor on Doc Brown's DeLorean runs on Jack's blood. One drop generates 1.21 jigowatts of Bauer power. Thousands of Libyan terrorists died for that pint.
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A Nintendo representative asked Jack Bauer how his TV got 4 holes in it after playing Duck Hunt.  Jack replied, "I only had 4 bullets left."
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USC's football team hasn't lost a home game since Jack Bauer killed a team of terrorists at the L.A. Coliseum. This has nothing to do with USC's football team; visiting teams are just afraid that Jack Bauer is still there.
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Jack Bauer's sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.
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Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet.  Without a gun.
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There is no Santa Claus because Jack Bauer didn't get what he asked for when he was five.
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Season 7 of 24 will easily be the most uneventful and boring season ever, because it clearly says in the bible: "And on the seventh day, he rests."
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Jack Bauer has read 3 Tom Clancy novels, 2 of which he re-inacted during a weekend away.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel.  This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
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Jack Bauer can birdie a par 1 hole. 
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Jack Bauer does all of Jackie Chan's stunts, including ones where he speaks Chinese.
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Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris&#x2019; patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head.
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Jack Bauer gives himself paper cuts when he's bored just to taste blood.
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If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
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Jack Bauer has more lives than Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start.
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When Jack Bauer propositions a girl, "no" means "yes" and "yes" means "harder." Actually, no girl has ever said "no."
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You probably don't think that Jack Bauer can force a towel down your throat, but trust me, he can. All the way. Except he'd hold onto the little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, he'll pull it out taking your stomach lining with ...

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Worst Career Move:  Congratulations. You've been assigned to CTU. Jack Bauer will be reporting to you.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack's scowl was the cause of the tsunami.
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When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
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Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
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Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
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If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in "Ocean's Eleven", it wouldn't have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say "My name is Jack Bauer.  Give me 163 million dollars. ...
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To prove it wasn't a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica.  Without the spear or the volleyball.
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Unlike the hordes of CTU agents at his disposal, Jack Bauer doesn't need body armor. His skin is made of kevlar.
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The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
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Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer knows what's in your wallet.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
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Jack Bauer has just shot you, but it was above the knee cap. You can still walk, so don't worry, you'll be just fine.
%
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shits standing up.
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"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
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As a child, Jack Bauer once ordered a "Happy Meal," but demanded his money back, as it did not make him happy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When the military gave President Kennedy a 21 gun salute at his funeral, Jack Bauer returned fire.
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When Jack Bauer deals blackjack, he doesn't have to stand on 17.
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When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
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If you're comtemplating suicide, instead of shooting yourself, fuck with Tony Almaeda and let Jack Bauer solve your problems.
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When Jack Bauer eats at Hooters, he takes his waitress home - for dessert.
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When 24: The Game is released, thousands of terrorists will buy it just to learn Jack Bauer's weaknesses. Fortunately for Jack, he is always invincible. They wanted to make the game life-like.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
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Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
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One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
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Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
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Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
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When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
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On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won't believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of...
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Sudoku puzzles solve themselves when they see Jack Bauer coming.
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Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
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When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
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The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their school yard game. Fuck Superman.

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Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o'clock shadow and receding hairline.

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It's a little known fact that a book was written loosely based on the life of Jack Bauer. That book was the Bible. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a gun to kill terrorists, guns just want in on the action.
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Jack Bauer can beat Contra on NES without entering the cheat code.
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Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer didn't need braces. His teeth were too scared to step out of line.
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When Kim Bauer was a little girl, Jack Bauer did not sing her any lullabies. Jack Bauer choked her to sleep.
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Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
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Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
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Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&amp;M's.
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Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
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Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
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Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation.  He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
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The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
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Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
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If Jack Bauer ever lived in Russia, the Mafia would either move to Antarctica, or never exist.
%
Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
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Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
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Jack Bauer added his own face to Mount Rushmore.  Barehanded.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wait for the bus, the bus waits for Jack Bauer.
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Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.
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Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
%
Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
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Since 2001, the year 24 premiered, terrorist deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
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If Jack Bauer has sex with you, you won't stand straight for a week.
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Jack Bauer's penis was the inspiration for the Washington Monument.
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You've heard of one man bands. Jack Bauer is a one man orchestra.
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Jack Bauer makes his own clothes out of the stomach lining of former terrorists.
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Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child.  He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
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Jack Bauer has neither a father nor a mother. He was constructed by the CIA as the result of the Ultimate Weapon project.  
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Jack Bauer can kill 17 people with a six-shooter without reloading.
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Driving your car over a cliff is not enough to compensate the fact that you betrayed Jack Bauer. Heller deserved worse.
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Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn't give him the information he wanted.
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The reason why Jack Bauer hasn't caught all of America's Most Wanted...he doesn't want to take away American jobs.
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You don't wanna say "Hello" to Jack Bauer's little friend.
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The only reason Audrey Reins sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
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Jack Bauer doesn't read the news... he beats it out of reporters.
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Jack Bauer didn't do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.
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For Jack Bauer, IKEA puts it together.
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Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
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If Jack Bauer told you Bush was doing a good job, you'd believe it.
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On the sixth day, God said "Let there be no Jack Bauer."  On the seventh day, God was tortured.
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When he retires, Jack Bauer will make a killing selling grills that torture the fat out of meat.
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Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
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Anytime, anywhere, anyone shoots someone in the thigh, they have to pay a royalty to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in humans. Sometimes he goes to the ocean to wash off the blood of his victims. Jack Bauer is also the leading cause of death in sharks.

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Jack Bauer became the first man to sucessfully shoot and kill someone in each of the 50 states.  84 times.
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Jack Bauer knows the Cadbury Secret, the Kernels Secret Recipe, and wether you're naughty or nice. 
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The only true defense against Jack Bauer is a mirror.
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A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
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Jack Bauer's version of "making love" is not shooting you after he fucks you.
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The FBI and CIA both use the show "24" as their primary training videos. Our investigators are still trying to decern what was used before 2001.
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There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.  It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
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Jack Bauer's favorite Sportscenter anchor is Scott Van Pelt because his last name reminds him of what he likes to do to terrorists with bullets.
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Jack Bauer does not wash his clothes. Jack Bauer's clothes stay clean for fear of reprisals.
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Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
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Jack Bauer rewrote the dictionary and took out the words "cruel", "unusual", and "punishment".
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It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
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Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
%
Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
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When Jack Bauer goes bowling, he uses a decapitated terrorist's head as a ball.
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On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
%
Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
%
Eve was created from Adam's rib. Adam was created from Jack Bauer's toenail.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use Icy Hot, he uses WD-40.
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Jack Bauer's mother once caught him with his hand in the cookie jar when he was a child, he wanted the cookie, so he shot her.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

George Mason once called Jack Bauer a "stupid chump." Years later he died in a nuclear blast.  This is no coincidence.
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Jack Bauer's hotness is responsible for global warming.
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The islamic word for death is "shamalamahmohammadjihad."  The literal english translation of this is "Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper in expert mode with one click every time.
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One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
%
Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
%
Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
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Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
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The only time Jack Bauer was seen eating,  was when he was eating Chuck Norris' leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I've ever eaten.
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Jack Bauer can go back to the future without going 88 miles an hour.
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Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
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You don't play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
%
When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
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Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
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As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
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The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security.  Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice. 
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When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
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Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
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Hardee's is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - "The Jack Bauer Burger" - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn't suffer from shrinkage.
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Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

At the end of season 3, Jack Bauer sticks the dangerous Cordilla Virus detonator into a school refrigerator. Most people think that this was to save the population from a widespread infection. The truth, however, is that Jack Bauer just wanted to mak...
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Jack Bauer does not attend anger-management classes but rather releases his anger by killing those who feel he should.
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Jack Bauer thinks life's a game. And games are best played in God Mode.
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Executing your boss, cutting off your partner's hand with an axe and torturing your girlfriend's husband are just some of the perks Jack loves about his job.
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Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple...
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After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsena...
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A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.
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Thomas Jefferson once said, "An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens". He never met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
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Jack Bauer's mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country.  To this Jack chuckled and responded, "You know that answer" as he snapped her neck.  Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
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Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once faked his own death by hiding in the stomach of Edgar Stiles for 2 seasons solely surviving on Big Macs and Krispy Kreme donuts. 
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The Chinese didn't admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said "That tickled."
%
When Jack Bauer looks at Edgar, he is temporarily unretarded. 
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The only reason Michael Jordan finally retired is because Jack Bauer wanted to join the NBA for recreation.
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Jack refuses to play the lottery. It just wouldn't be fair to the millions of other players.
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Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
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Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
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Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but  realized his mistake and shot the President.  Jack Bauer is never wrong.
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People dont go to Jack Bauer's house for halloween because he hands out cans of whoop-ass to everybody.
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A man once told Jack Bauer that guns should be banned. Historians agree that this is the worst mistake anyone has ever made in the history of the world.
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Chase once asked Jack Bauer if he was having a case of the Mondays. This is the real reason Jack cut Chase's hand off.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer shot the sheriff and the deputy.
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Jack Bauer once took Kim to the zoo. When they approached
the cougar cage, poor Kim screamed.

Ten minutes later, the cougars were dead.
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Bauer asks, and you'd better tell. Or else.
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There once was a terrorist cell planning an attack on United States soil. CTU got wind of this and naturally sent Jack Bauer to "recon" the base and call for additional reinforcements if needed. Upon arrival at said encampment, Jack saw that the head...
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Jack Bauer smashed a mirror because he thought a terrorist was trying to impersonate him.
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If Jack Bauer were 50 Cent, Ja Rule would be rapping about butterflies and ponies.
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Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

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Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
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When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key.
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Jack Bauer takes more shots then Allen Iverson.
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When God said, "Let there be light," it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.
%
Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Jack Bauer" by their girlfriends during sex.
%
Jack Bauer goes from 0-to-kill in less than 3 seconds.
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Every time a cell phone rings, Jack Bauer has just put a bullet in a terrorists head.
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Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
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Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
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It ain't over until the fat lady sings, and Jack Bauer is the fat lady.
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Jack Bauer was born after he performed a Cesearean section on his own mother.
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God didn't rest on the 7th day of Creation.  He created Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can eat flour and shit cupcakes. 
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Sometimes Jack Bauer likes to play dogeball with little kids.  Not with a ball, but actually throwing little kids at each other.
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Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear's baby.  And Angelina Jolie's.  And Katie Holmes'.  When Audrey finds out, she'll be okay with it....
%
Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.
%
If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
%
Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
%
Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
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Hallmark would never go out of business if Jack Bauer had to send condolence cards to the families of the terrorists he's killed.
%
Jack Bauer wrote the top five entries on this list.
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Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars."  Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
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Jack Bauer seats himself at restaurants.
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Jack Bauer would have finished his hunting partner off if he were in Dick Cheney's position.
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's semen cures breast cancer, but thats not why women crave it.
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Jack Bauer takes Viagra to keep his blood pressure up.
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If Jack Bauer had 20, and the dealer had an Ace, Jack would always double down.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
%
When Conan O'Brien pulls the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever," a clip from the show is shown.  When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
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Jack Bauer puts the 'terror' in terrorists.
%
If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
%
Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he's rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris' penis.
%
Jack Bauer is such a bad ass that as a Boy Scout he earned all his merit badges in one day.
%
Al Roker lost all the weight because Jack Bauer scared the crap out of him.
%
When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer. 
%
You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."
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Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
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Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Seigfried and Roy's.
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Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
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Jack Bauer&#x2019;s healing factor is so powerful he doesn&#x2019;t brush his teeth at night. Jack Bauer just punches all his teeth out his mouth and grows a new set by next morning.
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At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.
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Jack Bauer always wins Pong in one move.
%
Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
%
While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground.  Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
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Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was.  The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.


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Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack's moves &amp; torture tactics.
%
Zeus is the Greek word for 'Jack Bauer'.
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Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
%
Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
%
While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
%
Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer's skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
%
If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
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Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
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The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States is because Jack Bauer is still single.
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The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
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Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.

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G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
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Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
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There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
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In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
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Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
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Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective.  The result was Jack Bauer.
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Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
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Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
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If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
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Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T were once stuck in a room.  The combination of Pitting Fools, Roundhouse Kicks and Terrorist Killing ability created a tear in the fabric of space time.  The end result was Stephen Harper winning the Canadian Elect...
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Normally the flight from Los Angeles to New York takes 7 hours, but when Jack Bauer is on the plane, it only takes 15 minutes because there's not enough time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't play "Sorry". He plays "you're going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer". 
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Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
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Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him.  Jack shot him because he said "good luck", which implied the possibility of failure.
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Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.

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Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
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"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
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75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
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Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
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A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
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Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
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For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
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Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
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Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
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Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
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Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
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When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
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Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
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Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
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When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
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Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
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When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
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Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
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When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
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If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
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Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you. 
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Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell's Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
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Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
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Jack Bauer cried in his car like a little girl. However he killed 782 people before this and therefore is a man.
%
Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
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When Jack Bauer goes to Baskin Robbins, he chooses from any flavor he wants.  No one limits Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer wrote the "Davinci Code". Not the stupid book, but the actual code.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a belt.  He demands that his pants stay up.
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Killing is Jack Bauer's anti-drug.
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Jack Bauer was removed from Counter-strike by Valve because the counter-terrorists always won. Always.
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For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer doesn't give you a candies shaped like a heart,  He gives you your Ex's heart.
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Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
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GO passes Jack Bauer to give him 200 dollars.
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Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has more extra lives than Super Mario.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird.  Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.
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If Jack Bauer had been flying the plane in "Top Gun", Goose wouldn't have died.
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The only person that injures Jack Bauer is Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer was in office, he had three phones: the regular phone, the red phone, and the Jack Bauer phone. Whenever there was a national crisis, guess which phone he used and here's a hint: it wasn't the red phone.
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Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway.  The bomb just gave him an excuse.
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When playing hide-and-go-seek with terrorists, Jack Bauer counts to infinity before kicking their asses.
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If Jack Bauer were to run for President, he would be the nomination for both parties and win with 100% of the votes.
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Jack Bauer stole every condom in the world. Why? Because he realized he's running out of people to kill. 
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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.
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Monday nights when your power goes out its because the mass majority of women and some men are all using their vibrators at the same time.
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Having sex with Jack Bauer has also been called "Lethal Injection."

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Vampires dress up as Jack Bauer for Halloween.
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Ashton Kutcher got Punk'd by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer double dips.
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Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
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Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer.  Jack Bauer hates moles.
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Jack Bauer does sleep.  Sometimes when he is killing terrorists, he is actually sleep walking.
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No one says "Who's your daddy?" to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
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Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
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Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
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"The Man" is derived from "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
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Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
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The coyote hired Jack Bauer to catch the road runner. Jack Bauer ate them both.
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When Jack Bauer "goes dark" all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
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If you read Jack Bauer's files, you are about to lose your eyes.
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When Jack Bauer went camping and told ghost stories, everybody there died.
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Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon".  Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to...

But statistics don't lie.
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If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see.  Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
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Congress is only in session when Jack Bauer is out of town, otherwise nothing would get done. People don't work well in fear.
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Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
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Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
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Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
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Jack Bauer ran into an elephant, then the elephant fell down.
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Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
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The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver  by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
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For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
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When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
%
So far, Jack Bauer has said some variant of "Trust Me" 485,942 times during his televised adventures.
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"Have it your way" wasn't a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in.  Jack Bauer fucking hates tomatoes.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Hilter killed himself only after he learned that Jack Bauer was coming after him.
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Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
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When Bush says that we will find weapons of mass destruction, you know he is lying. If Jack does not want to be found he wont be found. 
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The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
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1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
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There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
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Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick.  And won.
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No one brings Jack Bauer to justice.  If he goes in a car with authorities, it is because he wanted them to drive him to that location.
%
Step-by-step on how to beat Jack Bauer:
1. Don't try.
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Running away from Jack Bauer is like trying to kill him. You're a fucking retard for even thinking of doing so.
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The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who can exceed a buddy list limit... without the help of Chloe.
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Jack Bauer joined Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs because thought the SEALs were too soft, with them playing on the beach all the time.
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Professional wrestler "Mr. Perfect" did not die due to a heart attack. He was killed when Jack Bauer found out someone was using his assumed alias as a stage name.
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When Jack Bauer was tortured by the terrorists in season two, he was humiliated. For his revenge, he tea bagged every terrorist to death.
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Jack Bauer knows the answer to "Who is Mike Jones?".
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Jack Bauer does not push the pedestrian walk sign button. He gets a "walk" signal by approaching the street.
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Cops give red lights tickets for getting in Jack Bauer's way.
%
Jack Bauer's interpretation of the meaning of life is simple. End it.
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Guys wearing a t-shirt "I'm with stupid" suddenly realize that the hand is showing upwards when they're standing next to Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
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Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
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After beating up Walt during filming of Season 5, Jack said "Looks like Walt Cummings is now Walt Goings."

While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn't laugh.

The rest is history.
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Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
%
If Jack Bauer shoots you with a Nerf gun, you're dead.
%
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store.  Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head.  This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
%
Priests confess to Jack Bauer.
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One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
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Jack Bauer did not fake his death to get away from the Chinese. He could own the entire country of China with his bare hands. No, he faked his death to get away from Audrey.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
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Peanut butter doesn't stick to the roof of Jack Bauer's mouth.  It wouldn't dare.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
%
If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
%
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's.  The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
%
Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
%
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
%
You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
%
Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
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A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
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The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
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Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
%
Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
%
Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
%
The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
%
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "&lt; Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
%
When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
%
The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
%
Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
%
Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
%
Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
%
When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
%
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
%
Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
%
When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
%
Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
%
The only reason outer-space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
%
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
%
Jack Bauer watches 24 every Monday night as a weekly reminder of how badass he is.
%
Don&#x2019;t lie to Jack Bauer that you have a headache on date night. He&#x2019;s gonna fuck you anyway.
%
Jack Bauer can be seen from outer space.
%
While playing Clue, Instead of investigating the rooms, Jack interrogates the Colonel until he tells him who killed Mr. Boddy.
%
Jack Bauer once got his order screwed up in the drivethru. Once.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a 6-pack; he has a 24-pack, because that's how real men roll.
%
Jack Bauer uses a bomb for an alarm clock every morning.
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Jack Bauer doesn't punch you in the chest.  He punches you in the fucking heart.

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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can milk anything with nipples, even men.
%
Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.
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When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask, "When can I come down?"
%
If you Tivo 24, Jack Bauer will kill you.  Jack Bauer fucking waits for no one.
%
Dead men tell no tales. Except to Jack Bauer.
%
Where the Happy Meal at McDonalds comes with a toy, the Jack Bauer Meal comes with a dead terrorist.
%
When he was in college, Jack Bauer once did a kegstand for 24 hours.
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The greatest trick Jack Bauer ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. 
%
Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
%
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
%
Don&#x2019;t tell Bill Paxton, but Jack Bauer actually has the Heart of the Ocean.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If Jack Bauer says he would tell you but he'd have to kill you, he'll probably kill you anyway.
%
Jack Bauer is dead on the inside, so that you can be alive on the outside.
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If Jack Bauer says: "I need a hack saw..."  get him a hack saw.  And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack's about to cut into... He'll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
%
The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.

The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.

Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
%
Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.
%
Jack Bauer drinks milk after the expiration date.
%
When Jack Bauer sees a sign saying "slippery when wet" he hovers.
%
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
%
Nobody puts Jack Bauer in the corner.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The Ten Commandments has an asterisk, excluding Jack Bauer from having to obey all of the above.
%
Jack Bauer knows what the definition of "is" is.
%
Altoids aren't too strong for Jack Bauer, he's too strong for them.
%
Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect?  Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
%
If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.  
%
Jack Bauer is on a freighter bound for China.  17 terrorists attempt to attack the US from Toronto.  Coincidence?
%
Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
%
Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why the hell else do you think dinosaurs are extinct.
%
Jack Bauer has never met a terrorist he didn't like.  To kill.
%
When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
%
Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven't discovered intelligent life in the universe.
%
Why you never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?  He has Edgar Stiles go for him. 
%
If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
%
Every time a suspect with vital information gets shot right before Jack Bauer starts to interrogate them, they think to themselves, "Thank you God for letting me die before Jack got to me!" 
%
If Jack Bauer said the world was flat. You better believe him.
%
Why do they call it Jacking off? Because Jack Bauer only needs his hand to blow anything up.
%
Jack Bauer can smoke ciggarettes on an airplane.
%
Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
%
It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
%
If Jack Bauer were Mexican, everyone in the United States would try to hop the border to Mexico.
%
Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook. 


%
Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer's buttons.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
%
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
%
The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
%
If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are fucked.
%
When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
%
Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn't stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can unhook your bra while blindfolded and handcuffed to a pole.
%
Jack Bauer, cashing in on his super-power ability to get to anywhere in L.A. in 15 minutes, is the employee of the month at Domino's... for 5 years straight.
%
Jack Bauer is hung like an 8 year old. No, seriously... his penis is the size of a small boy. 
%
Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
%
Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
%
Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
%
Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
%
Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
%

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
%
The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song "Raining Blood" about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
%
Someone told Jack Bauer to "kill the lights." I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
%
Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
%
Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
%
When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
%
Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
%
When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
%
In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
%
Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
%
When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
%
There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
%
Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
%
Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
%
People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there&#x2019;s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
%
Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
%
At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
%
There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
%
They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
%
People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
%
Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
%
It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
%
If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
%
The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
%
The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
%
Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
%
Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
%
Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
%
Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
%
Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
%
Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
%
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
%
Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
%
Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
%
Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
%
We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
%
Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
%
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
%
Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
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Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
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In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
%
When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
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The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is not required to wash his hands before returning to work.  Germs cannot survive in Jack Bauer's hands. 
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Micheal Jackson's face is was not the work of plastic surgeons. It was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer did not invent the term "bad ass."  He just tortured the guy who did till he gave him the copyright.
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Jack Bauer successfully went over Niagara Falls without a barrel.
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By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't believe in testing cosmetics on animals, he prefers terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
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Jack Bauer once stared at a total solar eclipse.  He didn't go blind, but the world plunged into darkness.
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Only Jack Bauer can stop forest fires.
%
Whenever Emeril says &#x2018;Bam&#x2019; &#x2013; he is referring to another kill by Jack Bauer.
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Roosters crow in the morning after Jack Bauer wakes them.
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You can now abolish the IRS by having them audit Jack Bauer.
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If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter.  If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
%
President Logan is not scared because he knows the terrorits are threatening America. He is scared because he knows Jack Bauer can take over anytime he wants.
%
Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
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When Jack was just a young boy, he was held at gunpoint by a  terrorist. He escaped by looking him in the eye and laughing, melting his brain. That laughter broke into a million tiny pieces, and that is where fairies come from.
%
John McCain only has no problem with torturing detainees just as long as it's Jack Bauer doing the torturing.
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Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.
%
Ken Jennings' 74 game winning steak consisted solely of the phrase, "Who is Jack Bauer?"
%
The real reason Erin Driscoll left, she wanted Jack to come in on Saturday.
%
Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
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Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
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If Jack Bauer was a mortal human being, his name would be Tony Almeida.
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After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it. 

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One time Jack Bauer was asked to bring a known terrorist back to CTU for questioning. After being gone for three hours, Jack returned covered in blood and carrying a six foot party sub, which he then ate all by himself in a single sitting. 
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The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer's boss is being Jack Bauer's partner.
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Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
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James Bond has his Bond girls. Jack Bauer has his body count.
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Jack Bauer once agreed to appear on an episode of Prison Break.  It was all part of an elaborate ruse to help Ramon Salazar escape.

The setback delayed the series premiere two years... the inmates are still trying to figure out how he did it.
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When Jack Bauer goes to an all-inclusive resort, he goes to Afghanistan for "All you can kill terrorists." 
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His name's not Frank.
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Batman has Robin. Jack Bauer has Kim Bauer and gets out of shit anyway.
%
Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
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After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
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Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to workout."
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Kim is half Jack Bauer, half human.  Enough said.
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You can run but you can't hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you then you can't do either.
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If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just gonna die tired.
%
Jack Bauer's WWE Wrestling DVDs don't have the "Please don't try this at home" warning on them, because there's nothing WWE wrestlers can do that can possibly hurt Jack Bauer.
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MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her in on their show.  Jack Bauer shot the men instantly.  MTV has never tried to Raid Kim's room again.
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Jack Bauer can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to kill terrorists.
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Jack Bauer would win American Idol by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
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Jack Bauer can open child proof medicine with out lining up the tabs.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Scrabble without a single letter.
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Jack Bauer doesn't sing the Oscar Myer Wiener song, because he is no wiener and is already loved by everyone.
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Jack Bauer was once asked why he faked his own death, instead of making a stand against the Chinese.  Jack replied, "Because I can't fit 1.6 million bullets in my CTU vehicle."  He then tortured and shot the man to prove his point.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

He picks off the pepperoni.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lie.  He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
%
Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.  
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If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
%
When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
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When someone on the airplane yelled "Hi Jack," Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him.  Lesson: Don't talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
%
Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
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The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
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There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
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You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
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Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
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Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.
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When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him. 
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When Jack Bauer talks in his sleep, he sets precedents for the Supreme Court.
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When Tony Montana said "Say hello to my little friend," he meant Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a "little" goes a long way.
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Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
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Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
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Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
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Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
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Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him. 
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Jack Bauer never lets go of your Eggo.
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Jack Bauer can smell carbon mononxide.
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The Swiss Army Knife MacGuyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.  
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Gas prices in California never rise for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer didn't need a hacksaw.  He just didn't feel like ripping Marshall Goren's head off with his bare hands.
%
Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, "I give you my word damn it we're running out of time son of a bitch" but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
%
When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist's neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, "Man, I finally got to fuckin' eat."
%
Jack Bauer doesn't cut paper. He just angrily yells at it until it cuts itself into the shape he desires.
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Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.
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Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
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Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country.  How patriotic are you?
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In Season 3 Jack Bauer "distracted" an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can.  He then shot the man anyway.
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Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
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There are only 2 types of people in the world:
&#x2022; Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
&#x2022; Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will  eventually die as a result.
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Jack Bauer once appeared in a Staples commercial... he broke the easy button because everything comes easy to Jack Bauer.
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If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper.  He uses terrorists.
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Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.
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Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
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Derek Zoolander once told Jack Bauer he was going to show him "Magnum". Jack misunderstood. There hasn't been a Zoolander 2.
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Jack Bauer once killed a Muslim and took his towel to wipe the sweat off his balls.
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Jack Bauer is the only person who can actually knock you into next week.
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A bird in hand is better than two in the bush. Jack Bauer never heard this before. He ate all three birds.
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When Kim Bauer killed her first terrorist, Jack Bauer shed a single tear. The tear was so salty that it caused eleven other terrorists in the nearby region to have a stroke. They died instantly.
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When Jack Bauer gets cold he takes more clothes off.
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When Jack Bauer was finished interrogating Chuck Norris, Chuck was pregnant.
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Jack Bauer could hit 73 homeruns without using steroids, and he'd do it in 24 hours.
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All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was the only cast member of 24 who didn't get invited to Sony's 24: The Game premier party.  Sony was afraid their insurance would not be able to cover the deaths of all the other game players.
%
Jack Bauer is Macguyver's wet dream.
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Jack Bauer made the sun change direction because it was in his eyes.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they'll get Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".


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Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 
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The author of A Million Little Pieces's was ironicly found in a million little peices last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
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When Darth Vader memorably uttered, "Impressive, Most Impressive", he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
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The Jack Bauer Severe Incapacitating Chest Punch is illegal in 27 states.
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Jack Bauer uses pepper spray to re-wet his eyes and get the red out.
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Jack Bauer is uncircumcised.  Baby Jack stabbed the doctor in the neck for daring to come near his penis.
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Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs dont make noise in his pocket.
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When your mother dies, you will find a sealed envelope hidden in her dresser. Enclosed within will be a letter that tells you that Jack Bauer is, in fact, your father.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
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Jack Bauer destroyed the rainforest to print out his autobiography.
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The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.  
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Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
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The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
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To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in." 
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Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
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Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
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Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
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The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
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At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
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When she was 5, Kim Bauer was stung by a bee.  Jack Bauer spent the next 24 hours tracking down the bee and infiltrating the hive.  After stuffing a towel down the throat of the perpetrator, he shot up the entire hive and murdered the queen.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer likes to go bowling on the weekends.  By bowling I mean "Killing" and by on the weekends I mean "Anytime he feels like it."
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If Jack Bauer had been in "The Terminator", Arnold would have never been back.
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The real reason the Chappelle show went of the air is that Dave Chappelle saw what Jack Bauer did to Chappelle in season 3 of 24. Dave knew it was only a matter of time before Jack Bauer learned he was a Muslim, so went into hiding to save his ass. B...
%
Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to "establish a perimeter", he is the perimeter.
%
If you're being interrogated and you hear Jack say "hacksaw", say goodbye to your head.
%
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
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Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look close, through the dust, you'll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledge hammer.
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A black cat crossed Jack Bauer's path and was promptly hit by a car.
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If you ever need a country annihilated, call Jack Bauer and tell him that Kim was kidnapped and killed there.
%
Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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When playing Snakes and Ladders, Jack Bauer climbs the snakes and eats the ladders.
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Despite being an all-perfect being, Jack Bauer's vision is 24/24. The good Lord felt it was both ironic and cute.
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When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
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After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the sun, but around his gigantic balls.

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Jack Bauer. When you absolutely, positively need to kill every motherfucking terrorist in the city. Accept no subsitute.
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Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
%
Jack bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
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When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
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Jack Bauer can make Chloe smile.
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If Jack Bauer asks you to trust him you are compelled by your DNA to do what he says.
%
Don't be fooled, whenever you are having sex with your girlfriend/wife/mistress and moan of excitement. It is not because of you, they're thinking of Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer didn't fire his boss. He terminated him.
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Saddam wasn't found by the military.  He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
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Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
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James Bond's "License to Kill" was given to him by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's penis is so large that the head has only seen the balls in pictures.
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A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him. 
%
The term "power hour" has been replaced by "bauer hour".
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.
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Although no one can make Ashlee Simpson actually sing, Jack Bauer can make her talk.
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Dr House once told Jack Bauer that "House" could kick 24's ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
%
When someone says "Hijack!" they are literally saying hi to Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Had the US decided to drop Jack Bauer on Hiroshima or Nagasaki instead of the nukes, the Japanese would have had no chance to surrender, as they would have all been killed in the initial blast. The Japanese should consider themselves lucky.
%
When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
%
In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours &amp; 59 minutes to spare.
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There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
%
Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack's arrival.
%
Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2
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Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
%
If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.  Somebody is going to die.
%
Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
%
Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white.  The first example of this ability is Eminem.
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When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn't shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he'd had more time to do to her before killing her.
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Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
%
When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher's would never come out of their holes.  
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There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
%
When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
%
Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
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Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
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If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
%
"I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
%
Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry.  You won't like him when he is angry.
%
Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
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The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
%
The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
%
Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
%
Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
%
Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
%
An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
%
Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
%
To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
%
'Flank 2' actually means, "Stand down CTU, I've got this under control."
%
In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad.  That little boy's name?  Stephen Hawking.
%
Jack Bauer once won a boxing match agaisnt Rocky.  With his hands tied behind his back.
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The real reason the NHL ended the lockout last summer was not because the owners and players finally agreed to a contract. It was because Jack Bauer wanted to see some hockey games (when he wasn't killing terrorists).
%
Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.
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If you dare read Jack's file, the first thing he's going to do is cut out your left eye...
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Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours. 
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Jack Bauer killed Jack Black for using the slogan "Jack is Back" during the super bowl commercial. 
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Jack Bauer understands the words that are coming out of Chris Tucker's mouth, but it's just easier to shoot him.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
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Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
%
Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
%
Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
%
What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
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Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
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The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
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How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
%
If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
%
Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
%
Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
%
The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
%
In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
%
Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
%
Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
%
Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
%
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
%
The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
%
When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

%
In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
%
The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
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Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
%
When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
%
Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
%
Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
%
Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
%
Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business &amp; pleasure.
%
Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
%
Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
%
Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
%
Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
%
Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
%
Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
%
Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
%
The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
%
Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
%
Now we know it's a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
%
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",  there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
%
Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics.  And wins it.
%
Eric Cartman respects Jack Bauer's AUTHORI-TAH.
%
Don't challenge Jack Bauer in a eye starring contest, he has not yet blinked once in his life.
%
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
%
God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
%
Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
%
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
%
Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
%
The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
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When Jack Bauer has the remote, you&#x2019;re watching whatever the fuck Jack&#x2019;s watching.
%
David Hasselhoff once tried to rescue Jack Bauer. He didn&#x2019;t survive.
%
If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer could get Urkel and Skreech laid.
%
MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
%
When Jack Bauer needs to be fly to Mexico, Mexico meets him halfway.
%
When asked what to do about the water around New Orleans, Jack said, "Damn it".
%
When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
%
Jack Bauer has no friends on Myspace. Everyone who adds him becomes a target by several terrorist networks, and they are found dead the next day for not giving up Jack's location.
%
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
%
Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets.
%
Jack Bauer invented misery.
%
The only reason Martha Logan could bring herself to having sex with President Logan was by pretending that he was Jack Bauer.  However, the fantasy wasn't fulfilled when President Logan lasted 40 seconds.
%
Jack Bauer can do more with a cell phone than most hackers can do with the top personal computers.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's Rice Krispies make no noise. Snap, Crackle and Pop were too noisy for him to complete his breakfast mission.
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The only time we'd ever have to fear the French Army is if Jack Bauer became a French Citizen.
%
Jack Bauer knows "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days". He kills them.
%
Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
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Jack Bauer can win the world series of poker without being dealt a hand.
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Jack Bauer once shot a Terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 
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Jack Bauer forced Mother Theresa to confess to several crimes.
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Jack Bauer doesn&#x2019;t sweat, sweat sweats Jack Bauer.
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McDonalds does not love to see Jack Bauer smile.
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.
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Jack Bauer once wiped out an entire Chinese restaurant because he thought there was a bomb in his fortune cookie.
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Jack Bauer didn't temporarily die from being tortured, he was getting bored of the terrorists antics and decided to take a nap before killing them.
%
The real reason women love Jack Bauer:  He can find the Clitoris.  Always.
%
It took this website's admin up to a week to post this fact.  Jack Bauer would've had it up in 24 hours.
%
Jack Bauer once used a retard to capture the most wanted terrorist and take down three of his subordinates.

...no, seriously, he did.
%
When CTU didn't have a hacksaw per his request, Jack used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of a suspect.
%
Jack Bauer was unhappy because God didn't let Jack into heaven for all his sins but cheered up after he was able to eternally torture Nina, Drazen and Marwan in hell.
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Only Jack Bauer knows whats going to happen at the end of Day 5.  In order to keep it a secret, he killed Keifer Sutherland.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.
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Black holes aren't black holes. Thats the gravitational pull from Jack Bauer's Balls. 
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When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
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Jack Bauer's preferred method of killing terrorists is actually just pointing his gun in the general direction he wants to shoot and using his sheer force of will to realign time and space so that the bullet from the gun is now in the terrorist. Trig...
%
Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants. 
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When Jack Bauer sees a terrorist with half a head, he stops laughing and reloads.
%
Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
%
If Jack Bauer wants his bullets to kill Superman, his bullets will kill Superman.
%
The creators of the 007 movies offered Keifer Sutherland a position as the new James Bond. They then re-named the movie to, "0024."
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Now Curtis knows what happens when you ask Jack Bauer personal questions.
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Jack Bauer Syndrome isn't an illness, it's a cause of death.
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Jack Bauer keeps a gun in his couch.  You don't want to know what he keeps in his La-Z-Boy.
%
Jack Bauer once hit two home runs on the same pitch.
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Jack Bauer once ate Froot Loops and was told to follow his nose. He ended up finding 40 terrorists in an abandoned warehouse.
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In the shadows, a team of CIA specialists follow Jack Bauer at all times, ready to collect his tears for chemical warfare production.
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In Season 5 episode 5. When Jack Bauer was attacked by the assassin, he didn't crack Jack Bauer's rib. Jack Bauer's rib cracked the assassin's fist.
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Jack Bauer never parks in handicap parking spots. He does however make sure that there are plenty of crippled people to use them.
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When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate.  When bad things happen to bad people, it&#x2019;s probably Jack Bauer.
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In Soviet Russia, bread stands in line for Jack Bauer.
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Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"
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When God said &#x201C;Let there be light,&#x201D; Jack Bauer said &#x201C;Say please.&#x201D;
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Jack Bauer tortured every member of the ACLU until they revealed the location of every terrorist cell in the U.S.
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Jack Bauer always hits above 16 in Blackjack.
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Jack Bauer always gets Blackjack in Vegas. Always. 
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RIP Edgar

If you see this give it a 10.

Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.   :( 
%
It was not a meteor impact that killed the dinosaurs, it was actually the result of Jack Bauer arm-wrestling Chuck Norris.
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Jack Bauer has only cried once, and that was because he ran out of asses to kick.
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The number one cause of death in America is heart disease.  The number one cause of heart disease is fear of Jack Bauer.
%
Richard Hellar came out of the closet not because he was gay but because Jack was in there.
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Jack Bauer attracts terrorists like his daughter attracts psychos and mountain lions.
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Whenever Jack Bauer's cars run out of gas, he simply does one of two things: either hotwires another person's car or points a gun at another person and takes it. Basically he is the Federal Agent equivalent of "Grand Theft Auto". 
%
When Tony Montana said, 'Say Hello to my little friend,' he was talking about Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was able to give Jenna Jameson an orgasm.
%
On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
%
Jack Bauer pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
%
Jack Bauer won the World Wrestling Federation title before anyone had the chance to tell him it was scripted.
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Jack Bauer has one weakness. Kim's stupidity.
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When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies. 
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Jack Bauer's case of the Mondays was that there weren't enough terrorists to kill in a day.
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We once had a bachelor party for Bauer. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
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Twenty-four is getting stupid. Jack Bauer had to hold his breath so he wouldn not breathe in gas. Since when does Jack Bauer need to breathe? Jack Bauer lives off killing people, not oxygen.
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To Jack Bauer, "Dammit" isn't just a cuss word, it's a way of life.
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If Jack Bauer and Walker, Texas Ranger ever happened to get within 10 feet of each other, the universe will explode. Fortunately, they would both survive.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't just beat addiction, he shoots it with a gun.
%
When Jack Bauer eats Skittles, a rainbow leads him to the next terrorist that he is going to kill.
%
Jack Bauer's real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. No.  Really.  It is.
%
Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it's game over.
%
"The Lost Boys" is a documentary on Jack Bauer's early undercover work infiltrating a group of vampire terrorists.
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Jack Bauer is only allergic to one thing: Live Terrorists.
%
When Jack Bauer proposed to his girlfriend, she said she wanted to keep her last name.  Jack responded, "Is your last name 'deathwish'?"
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Jack Bauer kills time for fun.
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Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder. 
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Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
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After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
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If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women
%
Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
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"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
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Jack Bauer doesn't get crabs.  He gets lobsters.
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The only reason Jack Bauer hasn't killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.
%
Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
%
Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
%
Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
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If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
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If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
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When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
%
How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?

First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
%
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
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Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
%
Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
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By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
%
If you're playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don't buy the AWP.  All you're doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
%
Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
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Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
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For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy's menu costs a dollar.
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Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
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Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
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When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
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Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vaca...
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Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
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When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
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The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
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Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
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Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says "here are my weapons". If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag. 
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When Jack Bauer plays Texas Hold-em he only gets one card, "to keep it fair". 
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Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way".

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Paul saved Jack Bauer's life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
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Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
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The TV Series "The Shield" was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.
%
Jack Bauer was supposed to be included in Counterstrike, but was left out because no one wanted to be a terrorist.
%
The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked. 
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Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
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On Valentines Day, Jack Bauer likes to watch "Saw" with his girlfriend.  When asked why, he said he finds it "soothing and sweet." 
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Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet. 
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Jack bauer doesn't eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
%
When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
%
Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
%
God created the universe in 6 days.  That&#x2019;s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
%
Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
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Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you.  Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
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Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
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The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.
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Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's favorite air freshener scent is "vanilla napalm".
%
Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
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Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
%
On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko. 
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When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
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Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
%
Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
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At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
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Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
%
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
%
Jack Bauer actually found two identical snowflakes.
%
Jack Bauer's swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
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Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
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The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
%
Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
%
When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
%
When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
%
Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
%
Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
%
At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's daughter is very hot.
%
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way.  The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
%
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
%
Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
%
Jack Bauer's electrical appliances work in European outlets.
%
When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
%
Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
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Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work in the interest of national security, the nation is interested in securing it self on Jack's good side.
%
Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
%
Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
%
The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
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Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
%
When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
%
It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
%
In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.

Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
%
Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
%
Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
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Jack Bauer is old fashioned.  He doesn't kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was the name of the horse that paralyzed Superman.
%
Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
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The CEO of American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
%
CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
%
Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
%
Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
%
Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
%
On each page of Jack Bauer's day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
%
When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
%
Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
%
The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
%
Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
%
Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...
%
Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
%
If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he'd be drilling in ANWR.
%
After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
%
Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
%
Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
%
Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
%
When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
%
For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
%
If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
%
Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
%
When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
%
Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
%
When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
%
Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
%
When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
%
There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
%
Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
%
When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
%
Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
%
When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
%
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
%
If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
%
Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
%
Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
%
Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
%
Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
%
When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
%
Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
%
There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
%
Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
%
Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
%
When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
%
Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
%
Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to "Speak the Fuck up."
%
Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo.  Once he discovered that the  princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds.  The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn't owned a game console since.
%
Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
%
Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.
%
Vegas takes no odds on Jack Bauer versus a terrorist. The chance of the terrorist dying is always 100%.
%
Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
%
Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use a stunt double.  Stunt doubles use Jack Bauer.  
%
Jack Bauer showers in acid rain.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't take a dump.  He leaves it.
%
Jack's favorite game show is Jeopardy, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.
%
Direct eye contact with Jack Bauer is not advised, unless you do not fear death. In that case, prepare to die.
%
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
%
Jack Bauer can tie his own straight jacket.
%
Because of Jack Bauer, car dealers now offer customers an optional handle in which terrorists can be tied to while being tortured.
%
Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.
%
Jack Bauer stole lunch money from the bully.
%
No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
%
The only reason the energizer bunny keeps going and going is because Jack Bauer is on its tail.
%
Jack Baur once cured a child of down syndrome.  He beat the extra gene out of him.
%
China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction:  Jack Bauer.
%
Many ask what happened to Beruz in season 4.  To Jack Bauer the day is a game, and if you leave the designated area without the blessing of Jack you get erased from existence.
%
LA recently instituted a new city beautification program.  They painted a giant picture of Jack Bauer's face covering the whole city.  Now LA's birds are all gone because nothing shits on Jack Bauer and lives.
%
Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated,  but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

%
Jack Bauer stole the cookie from the cookie jar.  And then he shot you for asking him about it.
%
Jack Bauer's Guidance Counselor once asked him what he wanted to do with his life. Bauer told him what his plans were for life after high school, but then he had to kill him.
%
Jack Bauer can fit 21GB on a 20GB Ipod.
%
When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.
%

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
%
You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.
%
Jack Bauer did not actually need to hold his breath to avoid the nerve gas; He just pretended he was vulnerable to fool Lynn McGill into doing his work for him, then causing him to die afterwards.  
%
Jack Bauer hates the show Lost.
%
John Hancock is renowned for making his Jack Bauer on the Declaration of Independence.
%
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God. 
%
Jack Bauer hates WACH-TV 57 in South Carolina, and broke the fingers of both news anchors before knocking them out.  No newscast cuts off the last 10 minutes of his show.
%
The Spanish Inquisition started when Jack Bauer once asked for directions to a Taco Bell.
%
Jack Bauer is so sexy that being called a Jackass has become a compliment.
%
Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis but he always refuses. Is it because he's gay? No, it's because Jack Bauer doesn't fucking sleep.
%
The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

If there really is a God then Jack Bauer should be arrested for identity theft. 
%
It is Jack Bauer who sees you when you're sleeping, and it is Jack Bauer who knows when you're awake. "Santa Claus" is just a stupid codename, and Jack Bauer killed the guy who assigned it to him.
%
When Jack Bauer microwaves a burrito, it isn't cold in the middle.
%
Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
%
Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
%
"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
%
When Jack Bauer read "Dianetics", he killed L. Ron Hubbard for mental terrorism.
%
Jack Bauer can substitute Z's for vowels in Scrabble.
%
They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn't take shit from anybody.
%
Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
%
Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
%
In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
%
Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
%
Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
%
Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
%
The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
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Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.

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At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
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Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
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Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
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Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
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The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
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The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
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Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
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Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
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Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
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You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
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A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.

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In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
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Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
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...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
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Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
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Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
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There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
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President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
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If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
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You cannot stop Jack Bauer, you can only hope to contain him.  Wait you can't even contain him, maybe you can hope to slow him down. Ah hell, you can't stop, contain or slow down Jack Bauer.
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It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
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Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
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Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
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Audrey couldn't handle the size of Jack's penis, which is why she used Paul's death as an excuse to break up with him.
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When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
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To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
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On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building.  This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart.  Where does Bauer get velociraptors?  A...
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When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
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For Valentine&#x2019;s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
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Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
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When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
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Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings' eye for fun.
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Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm rou...
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In addition to their VISION plan, Sprint plans to offer the CTU package, which includes color schematics, 24 volume bars (volume levels 1-23 and CHOPPER), and a self-destruct mode.
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Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
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When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention.  When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Sleeping with Jack Bauer has been listed as an STD by the CDC.  The risks include death and death to those closest to you.
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If you find out Jack Bauer is after you, do everything you can to enjoy your last 24 hours.
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Jack Bauer takes nude photos of all the women he has sex with. He keeps the best ones for himself and sells the others to Playboy.
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Jack Bauer won his third grade spelling bee.  He spelt whatever the hell he wanted.
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Jack Bauer could fill a pool with the blood of those he's killed, unfortunately I don't think he could fit the Pacific Ocean in his backyard.
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On Halloween, a child stopped at Jack Bauers house dressed in a terrorist costume. Jack killed him with a piece of candy corn before he noticed the difference.
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Before Jack Bauer went to Vegas, the slot machine was known as the "two-armed bandit".
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Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella.  Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer uses Binford 6100 Power tools.
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Jack Bauer has a 5 o clock shadow at 5am.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
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The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
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In grade school, Jack Bauer's teachers gave him apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. 
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Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
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Jack Bauer's nickname is "Taco Bell" because he makes terrorists run for the border.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need "Tivo", televisions skip commercials for him regardless.
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The reason it's so easy for terrorits to infiltrate CTU? Jack Bauer loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
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Jack Bauer located the other side of a mobius strip.
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Jack Bauer demanded to see the stars, so the clouds moved out of the way.
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If your power goes out, it's because Jack Bauer took it.
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Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.
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When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the  Jack Bauer signal.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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If you played Halo with Jack Bauer, he'd snap your neck in the game. Then for real. 
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jack Bauer once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

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Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter in the time it takes you to get dressed in the morning.
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Jack Bauer gave the sun a sunburn.
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The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
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Jack Bauer can look at white rice and turn it brown.
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Jack Bauer is the one who actually brought about the collapse of the USSR. He is known to the Russians as "Jakhail Bauerbachev".
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When Jack slid across the ground and shot the Chinese vehicle it wasn't because he needed to slide, it was because he wanted to add some style points to his kills.
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Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
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Jack Bauer, in order to escape a terrorist trap, once ate his own left hand. When he got out, a new hand, a machine gun, and six bears grew back in its place.
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Why else do they call it JACKing off?
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Jack Bauer impregnated his wife by ejaculating on his bullets and firing them into her womb.
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When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
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Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
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Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
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There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
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If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
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Jack Bauer's favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
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When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
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A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
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When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
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On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
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Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
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Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
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There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
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When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
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David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
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Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
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To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber.  Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
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When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.  This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglas...
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Jack Bauer once poked the Pillsbury Doughboy, it died.
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Mya Driscoll didn't commit suicide. The lesson: Don't fire Jack Bauer.


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Jack Bauer shaves the sights off his guns, they get in his way when he is trying to shoot.
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If there is one thing Jack Bauer hates as much as terrorists, it's protocol.
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Jack bauer know's where the beef is.
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Jack Bauer can break eleven fingers at once, good thing you only have ten.
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Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
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There's only one man Jack Bauer can trust, and no it's not Tony Almeda.  It's Jack Bauer, of course.
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Jack Bauer could make the Knicks reach the playoffs.

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