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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
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The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
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Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
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When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
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Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
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When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
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Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
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Jack Bauer doesn't interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
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Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick.  While playing goalie.  
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It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The universe revolves around Jack Bauer's giant fucking balls. 
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The X-Files are no longer on TV. That's because Jack solved them all.
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If you Google "Jack Bauer" using the I'm Feeling Lucky option, you'll be taken directly to God's email.
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I pissed my pants once during 24.  Not because I was scared.  Because if Jack Bauer can hold it in for 24 hrs, I can hold it in for one.
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Jack Bauer can dunk with no hands.
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Jack Bauer is in the dictionary, under 'pain.' Oh yeah, and 'busy motherfucker' too.
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If Jack Bauer told you to stop looking at these facts, you would stop looking at these facts.
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Jack Bauer wires a flash bang to his alarm clock every night before bed.
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Many find it hypocritical that the United States is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction in other countries while we ourselves have a Weapons of Mass Destruction named Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer never craps because Jack Bauer never eats. Simple, is it not?
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Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.