Acme-24

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META.yml  view on Meta::CPAN

--- #YAML:1.0
name:               Acme-24
version:            0.04
abstract:           Your favourite TV-show Acme module
author:
    - Cosimo Streppone <cosimo@cpan.org>
license:            unknown
distribution_type:  module
configure_requires:
    ExtUtils::MakeMaker:  0
build_requires:
    ExtUtils::MakeMaker:  0
requires:
    LWP::Simple:   0
    XML::RSSLite:  0

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards.  The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.  
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When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
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When Jack Bauer pops a pringles can open, he can stop the fun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need music in his iPod commercials. Either you buy it, or else.
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Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
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One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents’ authority.  He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
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24 was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn't wait on anyone to start killing people.
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Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
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Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it's life.
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If you are fortunate enough to be impregnated by Jack Bauer, be careful: when the baby kicks, you are likely to be pushed across the room.
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When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Bush says that we will find weapons of mass destruction, you know he is lying. If Jack does not want to be found he wont be found. 
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The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
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1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
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There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
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Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick.  And won.
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No one brings Jack Bauer to justice.  If he goes in a car with authorities, it is because he wanted them to drive him to that location.
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Step-by-step on how to beat Jack Bauer:
1. Don't try.
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Running away from Jack Bauer is like trying to kill him. You're a fucking retard for even thinking of doing so.
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The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who can exceed a buddy list limit... without the help of Chloe.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
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Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
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When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
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Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
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Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
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When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
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When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear the sound, Jack Bauer hears it.
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The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they'll get Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".


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Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 
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The author of A Million Little Pieces's was ironicly found in a million little peices last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
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When Darth Vader memorably uttered, "Impressive, Most Impressive", he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
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The Jack Bauer Severe Incapacitating Chest Punch is illegal in 27 states.
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Jack Bauer uses pepper spray to re-wet his eyes and get the red out.
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Jack Bauer is uncircumcised.  Baby Jack stabbed the doctor in the neck for daring to come near his penis.
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Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs dont make noise in his pocket.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
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Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
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For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy's menu costs a dollar.
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Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
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Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
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When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
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Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vaca...
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Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
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When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.