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My mind is a potato field ...
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
My NOSE is NUMB! 
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!
My vaseline is RUNNING...
NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but they were OFF-KEY ...
NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!
Now I am depressed ...
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! 
Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! 
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
OKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS PHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY VALUES!!
Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!!  We had to wait FOUR BIL...
One FISHWICH coming up!!
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! 
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?
Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also leave a GENEROUS TIP .... 
over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
OVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
People humiliating a salami!
PIZZA!!
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
RELATIVES!!
Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!! 
RHAPSODY in Glue!
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
SHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into empty OIL DRUMS ...
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??
Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? Sign my PETITION.
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
to Beaver"!
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
TAILFINS!! ... click ... Talking Pinhead Blues: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel TWENTY-SIX!! 
Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff)
My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG  won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!  (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh)
TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
Tex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- and have since BIRTH!!
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued OYSTER!  Yum!
The Korean War must have been fun. ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS around 1953!!
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS.   I'm very probably wrong.
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON...
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen appeal!
This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG." -- Bob Violence
This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up against someone's MARTINI!! ... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience!  Someone I DON'T LIKE is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the aesthetic modules --
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
Toes, knees, NIPPLES.  Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
UH-OH!!  I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by mistake!!!
UH-OH!!  I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!!  Ha ha.
Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
UH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!!
We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ...
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --