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I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
I'm having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!!
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in my PAJAMA POCKET??
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! ... 
I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
I'm into SOFTWARE!
I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my PERSONAL SPACE!!
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN!  What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?  Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?
I'm not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
I'm not available for comment..
I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT!  Am I doing it correctly??
I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!
I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
I'm rated PG-34!!
I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
I'm RELIGIOUS!!  I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!  Equip me with MISSILES!!
I'm reporting for duty as a modern person.  I want to do the Latin Hustle now!
I'm shaving!!  I'M SHAVING!!
I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM ... I'm VIBRATORY ...
I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ...
I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
I'm wet!  I'm wild!
I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
I've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! ... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im antiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche PIZZA ...
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ...
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!! ... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental Belt," for $10.99!!
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day! 
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?  Or are we suffering in Safeway?
Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG his GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ...
Is it 1974?  What's for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one wild afternoon??
Is it clean in other dimensions?
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
Is this TERMINAL fun?
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
Isn't this my STOP?!
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
It was a JOKE!!  Get it??  I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!!
YOW!!
It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making FRENCH TOAST!
It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
It's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be carried too FAR!
Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!! 
Laundry is the fifth dimension!!  ... um ... um ... th' washing machine is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...
Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a HIGHBALL?? ...
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! 
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!!  A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!!  I'm about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROU...
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!
My EARS are GONE!!
My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
My haircut is totally traditional!
MY income is ALL disposable!
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
My life is a patio of fun!
My mind is a potato field ...
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
My NOSE is NUMB! 
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!
My vaseline is RUNNING...
NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but they were OFF-KEY ...
NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!
Now I am depressed ...
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!