Acme-ConspiracyTheory-Random
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lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm view on Meta::CPAN
use 5.012;
use strict;
use warnings;
# Artificial stupidity is easier to develop than artificial intelligence.
package Acme::ConspiracyTheory::Random;
our $AUTHORITY = 'cpan:TOBYINK';
our $VERSION = '0.015';
use Exporter::Shiny qw( theory bad_punctuation );
use List::Util 1.54 ();
sub _RANDOM_ {
my $code = List::Util::sample( 1, @_ );
ref($code) eq 'CODE' ? goto($code) : $code;
}
sub _MERGE_ {
my ( $redstring, %new ) = @_;
%$redstring = ( %$redstring, %new );
}
sub _UCFIRST_ ($) { # Some sentences start with a non-word character like a quote mark
( my $str = shift )
=~ s/ (\w) / uc($1) /xe;
$str;
}
sub celebrity {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $celeb = _RANDOM_(
{ female => 0, name => 'Bill Gates' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Jeff Bezos' },
{ female => 1, name => 'Hillary Clinton' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Donald Trump' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Barack Obama' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Bernie Sanders' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Joe Biden' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Bill Clinton' },
{ female => 1, name => 'King Charles III' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Johnny Depp' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Q' },
{ female => 1, name => 'Madonna' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Sir Paul McCartney' },
{ female => 1, name => 'Lady Gaga' },
{ female => 1, name => 'Margaret Thatcher' },
{ female => 0, name => 'George Soros' },
{ female => 1, name => 'Beyonce' },
{ female => 1, name => 'Whitney Houston' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Joe Rogan' },
{ female => 1, name => 'Marjorie Taylor Greene' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Rishi Sunak' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Vladimir Putin' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Ron DeSantis' },
{ female => 1, name => 'Lauren Opal Boebert' },
{ female => 0, name => 'Elon Musk' },
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, celebrity => $celeb );
return $celeb->{name};
}
sub shady_group {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $xx;
PICK: {
$xx = _RANDOM_(
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Knights Templar', shortname => 'the Templars' },
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Illuminati' },
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Freemasons', shortname => 'the Masons' },
{ plural => 0, name => 'the Ordo Templi Orientis' },
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Cabalists' },
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Followers of the Temple Of The Vampire', shortname => 'the Vampires' },
{ plural => 0, splural => 1, name => 'the Secret Order of the Knights of the Round Table', shortname => 'the Knights' },
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Cardinals of the Catholic Church', shortname => 'the Cardinals' },
{ plural => 0, name => 'the Church of Satan', shortname => 'the Church' },
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Gnostics' },
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Elders of Zion', shortname => 'the Elders' },
{ plural => 1, name => 'the Jesuits' },
{ plural => 0, name => 'the Babylonian Brotherhood', shortname => 'the Brotherhood' },
{ plural => 0, name => 'the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn', shortname => 'the Order' },
{ plural => 0, name => 'Opus Dei' },
{ plural => 0, name => 'the Priory of Sion', shortname => 'the Priory' },
lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm view on Meta::CPAN
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'kidnapping', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Alabama';
"aliens abduct people for probing";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'CERN', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Switzerland';
"the large hadron collider will destroy the planet";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'steal beams', plural => 1 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'New York';
"9/11 was an inside job";
},
sub {
my $badevent = _RANDOM_(
'Columbine',
'Sandy Hook',
'the Boston Marathon Bombing',
'Malaysia Airlines Flight 370',
'the JFK assassination',
'Project Monarch',
'the 1993 WTC bombing',
'the 2017 hurricane season (Project Geostorm)',
'Deepwater Horizon',
);
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'false flag operations', plural => 1 };
"$badevent was orchestrated by the US government";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'glaciers', plural => 1 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Greenland';
"global warming is a hoax";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'geology', plural => 0 };
'the US government knows exactly when Yellowstone will erupt';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'cloud seeding', plural => 0 };
"the government controls the weather";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Snapple', plural => 0 };
"Snapple is owned by the KKK";
},
sub {
my $disease = disease( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'biological warfare', plural => 0 };
"$disease was developed as a bioweapon";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'gas chambers', plural => 1 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Germany';
"the holocaust never happened";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'fascism', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Australia';
"Antifa International have been starting wildfires";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'phantom time', plural => 0 };
"the years between 614 and 911 never happened";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Nazis', plural => 1 };
"there is a Nazi base on the moon";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Nazis', plural => 1 };
"there is a Nazi base in Antarctica";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'wrestling', plural => 0 };
"all professional sports are scripted";
},
sub {
my $website = website( $redstring );
my $spies = _RANDOM_(
'spies',
'the CIA',
'GCHQ',
'the NSA',
'the Kremlin',
'Ipsos MORI',
sub {
my $g = shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{shady_group}{plural} ? $g : "spies from $g";
}
);
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'biscuits', plural => 1 };
"$spies are using cookies to see everything you look at on $website";
},
);
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the Mandela effect', plural => 0 };
_RANDOM_(
'Looney Tunes used to be Looney Toons',
'the Berenstain Bears used to be spelled Berenstein',
'Curious George used to have a tail',
'Febreze used to have another E in it',
'Froot Loops used to be Fruit Loops',
'the Monopoly man is supposed to have a monocle',
'Kitkat used to have a hyphen',
'the Mona Lisa used to smile more',
'C-3PO never used to have a silver leg',
'Darth Vader said Luke I Am Your Father',
'We Are the Champions used to say "of the world" at the end',
'the USA used to have 52 states',
);
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the crusades', plural => 1 };
my $subst = _RANDOM_(
'TikTok',
'Twitter',
'the world wars',
'intergalactic warfare',
lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm view on Meta::CPAN
my $animal = real_animal( $redstring );
my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
"the $animal is a fake animal, engineered by $group";
},
sub {
my $chemicals = chemicals( $redstring );
my $animal = real_animal( $redstring );
my $s = ($animal ne 'fish') ? 's' : '';
my $attribute = attribute( $redstring );
"the $chemicals in the water is turning the $animal$s $attribute";
},
sub {
my $chemicals = chemicals( $redstring );
my $food = food( $redstring );
"$food are full of $chemicals";
},
sub {
my $animal = real_animal( $redstring );
"the $animal originally comes from another planet";
},
sub {
my $animal = real_animal( $redstring );
my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
my $stupid = _RANDOM_(
'people in costumes',
'animatronics',
'CGI',
'highly coordinated swarms of bees',
'holograms',
'a mirage',
);
"the $animal is a fake animal and is just $stupid";
},
sub {
my $animal = fake_animal( $redstring );
"the $animal is a real animal";
},
sub {
my $time = future_time( $redstring );
"the world will end $time";
},
sub {
my $time = future_time( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'comets', plural => 1 };
"the comet will hit us $time";
},
sub {
my $place = random_place( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'flooding', plural => 1 };
"$place was destroyed by floods";
},
sub {
my $place = random_place( $redstring );
my $group = $redstring->{shady_group}{name} // shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'coup d\'etats', plural => 1 };
"$place is ruled by $group";
},
sub {
my $time = future_time( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'zombies', plural => 1 };
"the zombie apocalypse will start $time";
},
sub {
my $time = future_time( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Jesus', plural => 0 };
"Jesus will return $time";
},
sub {
my $mc = mind_control_device( $redstring );
my $group = $redstring->{shady_group}{name} // shady_group( $redstring );
"THEY ($group) are using $mc";
},
sub {
my $victim = victim( $redstring );
my $place = bad_place( $redstring );
"$victim is alive and kept at $place";
},
sub {
my $artifact = artifact( $redstring );
my $p = random_place( $redstring );
"$artifact is in $p";
},
sub {
my $victim = victim( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the antichrist', plural => 0 };
"$victim was the antichrist";
},
sub {
my $victim = victim( $redstring );
"$victim was a time-traveller";
},
sub {
my $victim = victim( $redstring );
"$victim was an inter-dimensional being";
},
sub {
my $chem = chemicals( $redstring );
my $stupid = _RANDOM_(
'water mixed with food-colouring',
'water that they put in the microwave',
'water that came from a goat\'s insides',
'water that they used magic on',
'made of fairy dust',
'melted potato starch',
);
"$chem is really just $stupid";
},
sub {
my $fiction = fiction( $redstring );
"$fiction is historically accurate";
},
sub {
my $fiction = fiction( $redstring );
my $victim = $redstring->{victim} // victim( $redstring );
"$fiction was really written by $victim";
},
sub {
my $p = random_place( $redstring );
my $extinct = _RANDOM_(
'dinosaur',
'mammoth',
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