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lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

				"$name ${( $redstring->{$actor}{plural} ? \'keep' : \'keeps' )} editing the Wikipedia page about $topicname",
				"$name $are known to have ties to $topicname",
				"'$name' is almost an anagram of '$topicname'",
				"'$name' is the Hebrew word for '$topicname'",
				"'$name' is an anagram of '$topicname' (if you spell it wrong)",
			);
		}
	}

	my @evidences = List::Util::uniq( map { _RANDOM_(@x) } 1..2 );
	
	if ( @evidences == 2 ) {
		my ( $e1, $e2 ) = @evidences;
		return _RANDOM_(
			"You can tell this is the truth because $e1, and $e2.",
			( ( "I know because $e1, and $e2." ) x 6 ),
			"You just need to connect the dots. " . _UCFIRST_( "$e1 and $e2." ),
			"I used to be asleep like you, but then I saw the clues. " . _UCFIRST_( "$e1, and $e2. WAKE UP!" ),
			"THEY HIDE THE TRUTH IN PLAIN SIGHT. " . _UCFIRST_( "$e1, and $e2." ),
			"You won't believe how deep the rabbit hole goes. " . _UCFIRST_( "$e1, and $e2." ),
			sub { _UCFIRST_("$e1, and $e2. " . fatuous()) },
			sub {
				my $e3 = uc _RANDOM_(@x);
				my $fatuous = fatuous();
				_UCFIRST_( "$e1, and $e2. $fatuous $e3!" );
			},
			sub {
				my $e3 = uc _RANDOM_(@x);
				_UCFIRST_( "$e1, and $e2. They leave clues to mock us! $e3! MOCK! MOCK!" );
			},
			sub {
				my $t = {};
				theory($t);
				_UCFIRST_( "$e1, and $e2. Isn't it obvious? Also: " . $t->{base_theory} );
			},
		);
	}
	elsif ( @evidences == 1 ) {
		my ( $e1 ) = @evidences;
		return _RANDOM_(
			"You can tell the truth because $e1.",
			_UCFIRST_("$e1 and that reveals the truth."),
			"The truth is obvious if you're not a sheep, $e1.",
		);
	}
	
	return _RANDOM_(
		'The truth is plain to see.',
		"You're blind if you can't see the truth.",
		"The truth is obvious if you're not a sheep.",
	);
}

sub hidden_truth {
	my $redstring = shift // {};
	
	my $truth = _RANDOM_(
		sub { # wrap classics in a sub so they don't come up too often
			_RANDOM_(
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'geology', plural => 0 };
					'the Earth is flat';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Inner Space (1987)', plural => 0 };
					'space is fake';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'theology', plural => 0 };
					'God is real';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Buddhism', plural => 0 };
					'reincarnation is true';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'germs', plural => 1 };
					"germs aren't real";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'viruses', plural => 1 };
					"viruses aren't real";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'MKUltra', plural => 0 };
					"MKUltra is still happening";
				},
				sub {
					shady_group( $redstring );
					$redstring->{antagonist} //= $redstring->{shady_group};
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'avalanches', plural => 1 };
					$redstring->{antagonist}{name} . " was responsible for the Dyatlov Pass incident";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Jeffrey Epstein', plural => 0 };
					"Epstein didn't kill himself";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band", plural => 0 };
					"Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Stonehenge', plural => 0 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Somerset';
					"the aliens built Stonehenge";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the Sphinx', plural => 0 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Egypt';
					"the aliens built the Pyramids";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Loch Ness', plural => 0 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Scotland';
					"the Loch Ness monster is real";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'grain farming', plural => 0 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Alabama';
					"crop circles are caused by aliens";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'kidnapping', plural => 0 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Alabama';
					"aliens abduct people for probing";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'CERN', plural => 0 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Switzerland';
					"the large hadron collider will destroy the planet";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'steal beams', plural => 1 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'New York';
					"9/11 was an inside job";
				},
				sub {
					my $badevent = _RANDOM_(
						'Columbine',
						'Sandy Hook',
						'the Boston Marathon Bombing',
						'Malaysia Airlines Flight 370',
						'the JFK assassination',
						'Project Monarch',
						'the 1993 WTC bombing',
						'the 2017 hurricane season (Project Geostorm)',
						'Deepwater Horizon',
					);
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'false flag operations', plural => 1 };
					"$badevent was orchestrated by the US government";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'glaciers', plural => 1 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Greenland';
					"global warming is a hoax";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'geology', plural => 0 };
					'the US government knows exactly when Yellowstone will erupt';
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'cloud seeding', plural => 0 };
					"the government controls the weather";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Snapple', plural => 0 };
					"Snapple is owned by the KKK";
				},
				sub {
					my $disease = disease( $redstring );
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'biological warfare', plural => 0 };
					"$disease was developed as a bioweapon";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'gas chambers', plural => 1 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Germany';
					"the holocaust never happened";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'fascism', plural => 0 };
					$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Australia';
					"Antifa International have been starting wildfires";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'phantom time', plural => 0 };
					"the years between 614 and 911 never happened";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Nazis', plural => 1 };
					"there is a Nazi base on the moon";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Nazis', plural => 1 };
					"there is a Nazi base in Antarctica";
				},
				sub {
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'wrestling', plural => 0 };
					"all professional sports are scripted";
				},
				sub {
					my $website = website( $redstring );
					my $spies   = _RANDOM_(
						'spies',
						'the CIA',
						'GCHQ',
						'the NSA',
						'the Kremlin',
						'Ipsos MORI',
						sub {
							my $g = shady_group( $redstring );
							$redstring->{shady_group}{plural} ? $g : "spies from $g";
						}
					);
					$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'biscuits', plural => 1 };
					"$spies are using cookies to see everything you look at on $website";
				},
			);
		},