Acme-ConspiracyTheory-Random
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lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm view on Meta::CPAN
'the demon king',
'the dark prince',
'Voldemort',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, dark_lord => $x );
return $x;
}
sub disease {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $disease = _RANDOM_(
'cancer',
'COVID-19',
'HIV',
'AIDS',
'the common cold',
'diabetes',
'obesity',
'autism',
'Ebola',
'COVID-20',
'monkeypox',
'gender dyspohoria',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, disease => $disease );
return $disease;
}
sub disease_cause {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $cause = _RANDOM_(
sub {
my $food = food( $redstring );
( $food =~ /wine/ ) ? "drinking $food" : "eating $food";
},
sub {
chemicals( $redstring );
},
'non-vegan food',
'vegan food',
'socialism',
'electromagnetic radiation (WiFi!)',
'radon gas',
'all the drugs (so many drugs!)',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, disease_cause => $cause );
return $cause;
}
sub chemicals {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $chemicals = _RANDOM_(
'oestrogen',
'testosterone',
'acid',
'birth-control',
'fertilizer',
'Diet Coke',
'heavy hydrogen',
'5G',
'antimatter',
'dark matter',
'fluoride',
'dihydrogen monoxide',
'carbon nanotubes',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, chemicals => $chemicals );
return $chemicals;
}
sub food {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $food = _RANDOM_(
'apples',
'Big Macs',
'KFC family buckets',
'most wines',
'Kraft instant mac and cheese boxes',
'bananas',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, food => $food );
return $food;
}
sub attribute {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $attr = _RANDOM_(
'gay',
'insane',
'infertile',
'immobile',
'horny',
'female',
'fat',
'fluorescent',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, attribute => $attr );
return $attr;
}
sub artifact {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $artifact = _RANDOM_(
'the holy grail',
'the golden fleece',
'Excalibur',
'the ark of the covenant',
"Jesus's foreskin",
'the Holy Prepuce',
lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm view on Meta::CPAN
'Isaac Newton',
'Stephen Hawking',
'Henry Cavendish',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, physicist => $x );
return $x;
}
sub biologist { # and medics
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $x = _RANDOM_(
'Charles Darwin',
'Edward Jenner',
'Robert Koch',
'Carl Linneaus',
'Alexander Fleming',
'Dr Fauci',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, biologist => $x );
return $x;
}
sub website {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $x = _RANDOM_(
'Tumblr',
'Pinterest',
'Youtube',
'Facebook',
'Wikipedia',
'Twitter',
'Instagram',
'Geocities',
'Parler',
'Angelfire',
'the Fediverse',
'Nostr',
'Reddit',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, website => $x );
return $x;
}
sub fatuous {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $x = _RANDOM_(
"We all know what's going on here.",
"It's plain and simple common sense.",
'Most people are in denial.',
"Isn't it obvious?",
"Wake up, sheeple!",
"It's obvious if you connect the dots.",
"They leave clues to mock us.",
"It's not funny!",
"There are too many coincidences to ignore.",
"You'd have to be blind not to see it!",
"It's so obvious!",
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, clone => $x );
return $x;
}
sub clone {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $x = _RANDOM_(
'an actor',
'an alien',
'an avatar',
'a CGI replica',
'a clone',
'a cyborg',
'a hologram',
'an impersonator',
'a look-alike',
'a robot',
'a shapeshifter',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, clone => $x );
return $x;
}
sub lies {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $x = _RANDOM_(
'obvious lies',
'a big coverup',
'a fairy tale',
'disinformation',
'the Big Lie',
'fake news',
);
_MERGE_( $redstring, lies => $x );
return $x;
}
sub evidence {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my @x = (
"there's a video about it on YouTube",
sub { 'there was something about it on ' . website() },
"the voices told me",
"I had a dream",
sub { website() . ' is censoring me' },
sub { website() . ' was down this morning' },
);
if ( my $c = $redstring->{disease_cause} ) {
push @x, (
"$c is addictive",
lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm view on Meta::CPAN
my $t = {};
theory($t);
_UCFIRST_( "$e1, and $e2. Isn't it obvious? Also: " . $t->{base_theory} );
},
);
}
elsif ( @evidences == 1 ) {
my ( $e1 ) = @evidences;
return _RANDOM_(
"You can tell the truth because $e1.",
_UCFIRST_("$e1 and that reveals the truth."),
"The truth is obvious if you're not a sheep, $e1.",
);
}
return _RANDOM_(
'The truth is plain to see.',
"You're blind if you can't see the truth.",
"The truth is obvious if you're not a sheep.",
);
}
sub hidden_truth {
my $redstring = shift // {};
my $truth = _RANDOM_(
sub { # wrap classics in a sub so they don't come up too often
_RANDOM_(
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'geology', plural => 0 };
'the Earth is flat';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Inner Space (1987)', plural => 0 };
'space is fake';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'theology', plural => 0 };
'God is real';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Buddhism', plural => 0 };
'reincarnation is true';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'germs', plural => 1 };
"germs aren't real";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'viruses', plural => 1 };
"viruses aren't real";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'MKUltra', plural => 0 };
"MKUltra is still happening";
},
sub {
shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{antagonist} //= $redstring->{shady_group};
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'avalanches', plural => 1 };
$redstring->{antagonist}{name} . " was responsible for the Dyatlov Pass incident";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Jeffrey Epstein', plural => 0 };
"Epstein didn't kill himself";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band", plural => 0 };
"Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Stonehenge', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Somerset';
"the aliens built Stonehenge";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the Sphinx', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Egypt';
"the aliens built the Pyramids";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Loch Ness', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Scotland';
"the Loch Ness monster is real";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'grain farming', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Alabama';
"crop circles are caused by aliens";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'kidnapping', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Alabama';
"aliens abduct people for probing";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'CERN', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'Switzerland';
"the large hadron collider will destroy the planet";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'steal beams', plural => 1 };
$redstring->{random_place} //= 'New York';
"9/11 was an inside job";
},
sub {
my $badevent = _RANDOM_(
'Columbine',
'Sandy Hook',
'the Boston Marathon Bombing',
'Malaysia Airlines Flight 370',
'the JFK assassination',
'Project Monarch',
'the 1993 WTC bombing',
'the 2017 hurricane season (Project Geostorm)',
'Deepwater Horizon',
);
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'false flag operations', plural => 1 };
"$badevent was orchestrated by the US government";
},
sub {
lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm view on Meta::CPAN
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'phantom time', plural => 0 };
"the years between 614 and 911 never happened";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Nazis', plural => 1 };
"there is a Nazi base on the moon";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Nazis', plural => 1 };
"there is a Nazi base in Antarctica";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'wrestling', plural => 0 };
"all professional sports are scripted";
},
sub {
my $website = website( $redstring );
my $spies = _RANDOM_(
'spies',
'the CIA',
'GCHQ',
'the NSA',
'the Kremlin',
'Ipsos MORI',
sub {
my $g = shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{shady_group}{plural} ? $g : "spies from $g";
}
);
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'biscuits', plural => 1 };
"$spies are using cookies to see everything you look at on $website";
},
);
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the Mandela effect', plural => 0 };
_RANDOM_(
'Looney Tunes used to be Looney Toons',
'the Berenstain Bears used to be spelled Berenstein',
'Curious George used to have a tail',
'Febreze used to have another E in it',
'Froot Loops used to be Fruit Loops',
'the Monopoly man is supposed to have a monocle',
'Kitkat used to have a hyphen',
'the Mona Lisa used to smile more',
'C-3PO never used to have a silver leg',
'Darth Vader said Luke I Am Your Father',
'We Are the Champions used to say "of the world" at the end',
'the USA used to have 52 states',
);
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the crusades', plural => 1 };
my $subst = _RANDOM_(
'TikTok',
'Twitter',
'the world wars',
'intergalactic warfare',
'the white genocide',
'colonization',
'robot wars',
);
"the crusades never stopped, they were just replaced with $subst";
},
sub {
my $cryptids = cryptids( $redstring );
"$cryptids are real";
},
sub {
my $cause = disease_cause( $redstring );
my $disease = disease( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'western medicine', plural => 0 };
"$cause causes $disease";
},
sub {
my $cryptids = cryptids( $redstring );
my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
"$group are $cryptids";
},
sub {
my $objects = objects( $redstring );
"$objects are sentient";
},
sub {
my $celebrity = celebrity( $redstring );
my $long_time = a_long_time( $redstring );
"$celebrity has been drinking the blood of infants $long_time to stay looking young";
},
sub {
my $celebrity = celebrity( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'cross-dressing', plural => 0 };
$redstring->{celebrity}{female} = ! $redstring->{celebrity}{female};
"$celebrity is transsexual";
},
sub {
my $celebrity = celebrity( $redstring );
my $consequence = _RANDOM_(
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'robotics', plural => 0 };
'replaced by a robot';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'impersonation', plural => 0 };
'replaced by a look-alike';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'blackmail', plural => 0 };
'blackmailed into silence';
},
);
"$celebrity has been $consequence";
},
sub {
my $objects = objects( $redstring );
my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
"$objects were invented by $group";
},
sub {
my $resource = precious_resource( $redstring );
lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm view on Meta::CPAN
my $things = _RANDOM_( 'electrons', 'protons' );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => $things, plural => 1 };
"$things are not real particles, they are just the terminal lines of a dielectric pulse";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'water', plural => 0 };
'water is its own element';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'geocentrism', plural => 0 };
'the sun goes round the Earth';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the moon', plural => 0 };
'the moon is a hologram';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'camembert', plural => 0 };
'the moon is made of cheese';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the man in the moon', plural => 0 };
'the man in the moon is a real man';
},
sub {
my $chem = chemicals( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the periodic table', plural => 0 };
"element 119 is $chem";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'air', plural => 0 };
"air isn't real";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'vacuum cleaners', plural => 0 };
"space isn't a vacuum because then it would suck all the air";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the firmament', plural => 0 };
"there is a dome over the flat Earth";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Satan', plural => 0 };
'the axis of evil in the cosmic microwave background was put there by Satan';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the zodiac', plural => 0 };
'astrology has been scientifically verified';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the year of the dragon', plural => 0 };
'the Chinese zodiac can predict the future';
},
);
my $solution = _UCFIRST_ _RANDOM_(
"They paid $group to kill him.",
"$group helped cover up the truth.",
"$group threatened to kill him to keep him quiet.",
"He was a member of $group so they knew he would keep quiet.",
"$group arranged a convenient \"accident\".",
);
my $destruction = _RANDOM_(
"all of modern physics",
'our understanding of the universe',
"the Big Bang 'theory'",
"Einstein's theory of relativity",
);
_UCFIRST_ "$physicist discovered that $fact but the scientific establishment is suppressing it because it would destroy $destruction. $solution";
},
sub {
my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{protagonists} = $redstring->{shady_group};
my $biologist = biologist( $redstring );
my $fact = _RANDOM_(
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'pandas', plural => 1 };
'pandas are really just fat raccoons';
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'spaghetti', plural => 1 };
"spaghetti is a type of worm";
},
sub {
$redstring->{celebrity} //= { name => 'Louis Armstrong', female => 0 };
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'snakes', plural => 1 };
"snakes like jazz music";
},
sub {
$redstring->{real_place} //= 'Antarctica';
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'penguins', plural => 1 };
"penguins can fly but they get nervous when people are watching";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'DNA', plural => 0 };
"the 10 commandments are encoded in human DNA";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'essential oils', plural => 1 };
"essential oils cure all diseases";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'vaccines', plural => 1 };
"essential oils cure autism";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'anger management', plural => 0 };
"wasps are just angry bees";
},
sub {
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'oncology', plural => 0 };
"windmills cause cancer";
},
sub {
my $chem = chemicals( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'honey', plural => 0 };
"$chem is killing all the bees";
},
sub {
my $animal = real_animal( $redstring );
$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'space flight', plural => 0 };
"$animal DNA comes from space";
},
);
my $solution = _UCFIRST_ _RANDOM_(
"They paid $group to kill him.",
"$group helped cover up the truth.",
"$group threatened to kill him to keep him quiet.",
"He was a member of $group so they knew he would keep quiet.",
"$group arranged a convenient \"accident\".",
);
my $destruction = _RANDOM_(
"the 'theory' of evolution",
'modern medicine',
"the germ theory of disease",
"our understanding of DNA",
'creation science',
);
_UCFIRST_ "$biologist discovered that $fact but the scientific establishment is suppressing it because it would destroy $destruction. $solution";
},
sub {
my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{protagonists} = $redstring->{shady_group};
my $have = $redstring->{protagonists}->{plural} ? 'have' : 'has';
my $place = random_place( $redstring );
my $how = _RANDOM_(
"by diverting flights to $place to a Hollywood studio",
'using mirrors',
'by paying the UN',
'by talking with funny accents',
'by hacking satellites',
);
_UCFIRST_ "$place is just a hologram created by $group who $have been hiding it for years $how.";
},
sub {
my $place = random_place( $redstring );
my $truth1 = hidden_truth( $redstring );
_UCFIRST_ _RANDOM_(
"It is common knowledge in $place that $truth1.",
"They teach $truth1 at schools in $place.",
"Everybody in $place knows that $truth1.",
"People in $place found out that $truth1.",
);
},
sub {
my $celeb = celebrity( $redstring );
my $pronoun = $redstring->{celebrity}{female} ? 'she' : 'he';
my $truth1 = hidden_truth( $redstring );
my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{protagonists} = $redstring->{shady_group};
my $are = $redstring->{protagonists}->{plural} ? 'are' : 'is';
my $silence = _RANDOM_(
"$pronoun will probably have to be eliminated",
"$pronoun is going to be killed if $pronoun isn't dead already",
"$pronoun is being paid to stay quiet",
"$pronoun will meet a convenient \"accident\"",
sub {
my $clone = clone( $redstring );
"$pronoun has been replaced by $clone";
},
sub {
my $place = bad_place( $redstring );
"$pronoun has been imprisoned in $place";
},
);
_UCFIRST_ "$celeb found out that $truth1 and $silence. " . _UCFIRST_ "$group $are protecting this secret.";
},
sub {
my $celeb = celebrity( $redstring );
my $pronoun = $redstring->{celebrity}{female} ? 'she' : 'he';
my $group = shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{protagonists} = $redstring->{shady_group};
_UCFIRST_ _RANDOM_(
"$celeb is a member of $group.",
"$celeb is a former member of $group.",
"$celeb was thrown out of $group.",
"$celeb infiltrated $group.",
"$celeb is the leader of $group.",
"$celeb is secretly worshipped by $group.",
);
},
);
if ( $redstring->{protagonists} and not $redstring->{antagonists} and _RANDOM_(0..1) ) {
my $group1 = $redstring->{protagonists}{shortname} // $redstring->{protagonists}{name};
my $group2 = shady_group( $redstring );
$redstring->{antagonists} = $redstring->{shady_group};
my $know = splural ($redstring->{antagonists}) ? 'know' : 'knows';
$theory .= " " . _UCFIRST_ _RANDOM_(
sub {
my $bribe = precious_resource_with_quantity( $redstring );
"$group2 $know the truth but $group1 have paid them off with $bribe.";
},
"$group2 $know the truth but $group1 have threatened them to keep them silent.",
"$group2 were helping them until $group1 betrayed them.",
"$group2 were helping them for a while.",
"$group2 were originally opposed to this but they're now in on it.",
"$group2 are trying to get evidence to prove it.",
);
}
_MERGE_( $redstring, base_theory => $theory );
my $evidence = evidence( $redstring );
$theory .= " $evidence" if $evidence;
my $numerology = numerology( $redstring );
$theory .= " $numerology" if $numerology;
_MERGE_( $redstring, theory => $theory );
return $theory;
}
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