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lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

	if ( my $f = $redstring->{fiction} ) {
		
		push @x, (
			$f->{title} . " has secret messages encoded in it with numerology",
			$f->{title} . " is satanic",
			sub {
				my $g = shady_group( $redstring );
				my $has = splural( $redstring->{shady_group} ) ? 'have' : 'has';
				$f->{author} . " $has ties to $g";
			},
			sub {
				my $b = bad_place( $redstring );
				$f->{author} . " got taken to $b for questioning";
			},
		);
		
		if ( my $p = $redstring->{random_place} ) {
			push @x, (
				$f->{author} . " had a secret home in $p",
				$f->{author} . " was secretly born in $p",
			);
		}
	}
	
	if ( my $animal = $redstring->{real_animal} // $redstring->{fake_animal} ) {
		push @x, (
			"the $animal wasn't mentioned in the Bible",
			"the $animal was mentioned in the Satanic Verses",
			"the $animal looks kind of weird",
			"nobody has ever seen a $animal in real life",
			"the $animal obviously isn't native to this planet",
			sub { "${ \ shady_group($redstring) } sacrifice $animal${\'s'} to ${ \ dark_lord($redstring) }" },
			"the $animal looks bigger in real life",
			"the $animal makes a funny noise",
			"Alex Jones did a podcast about the $animal",
		);
	}
	
	if ( my $mc = $redstring->{mind_control_device} ) {
		my $time = a_long_time();
		my $mcp = $redstring->{mind_control_device_plural};
		my $is = 'is';
		my $has = 'has';
		my $was = 'was';
		if ($mcp) {
			$is = 'are';
			$has = 'have';
			$was = 'were';
		}
		push @x, (
			"everybody knows $mc $is real",
			sub { "$mc $has been researched by ${ \ shady_group($redstring) } $time" },
			sub { "$mc $was used to conceal ${ \ shady_group($redstring) } $time" },
			sub { "$mc $was used to infiltrate ${ \ shady_group($redstring) }" },
		);
	}

	if ( my $ft = $redstring->{future_time} ) {
		push @x, (
			"some of the few people still alive $ft time-travelled back to tell us",
			"the people still alive $ft sent us hidden messages in ${ \ fiction() }",
			"it will all become clear $ft",
		);
	}

	if ( my $d = $redstring->{disease} ) {
		push @x, (
			"patients with $d keep disappearing from hospitals",
			"patients with $d are being silenced by the government",
			"doctors working on $d are being killed",
			"$d probably isn't even a real disease",
			"nobody has ever died of $d",
		);
	}

	if ( my $f = $redstring->{food} ) {
		push @x, (
			"$f don't taste like they used to",
			"$f smell funny",
			"$f make me feel sick",
			"I don't like $f",
		);
	}

	if ( my $chem = $redstring->{chemicals} ) {
		push @x, (
			"$chem isn't on the periodic table",
			"$chem isn't real",
			"$chem isn't natural",
			"you'd have to be stupid to think $chem is real",
		);
	}

	if ( my $r = $redstring->{precious_resource} ) {
		my ( $bad, $are, $r_are );
		$redstring->{shady_group}{name} or shady_group( $redstring );
		foreach ( qw/ antagonist protagonist shady_group / ) {
			if ( $redstring->{$_}{name} ) {
				$bad = $redstring->{$_}{name};
				$are = $redstring->{$_}{plural} ? 'are' : 'is';
				$r_are = ($r =~ /s$/) ? 'are' : 'is';
			}
		}
		push @x, (
			"the Wikipedia entry for $r keeps getting edited by $bad",
			"$bad keeps buying $r secretly on the stock market",
			"the global supply of $r is at an all time low",
			"have you ever seen $r for real with your own eyes",
			"$r $r_are so damn expensive",
			"$r $r_are really rare",
			"Alex Jones says $bad $are linked to $r",
		);
	}

	if ( my $topic = $redstring->{topic} ) {
		my $topicname = $topic->{name};
		my $have      = $topic->{plural} ? 'have' : 'has';
		push @x, (
			"there's hidden clues in the Wikipedia page about $topicname",
			"THEY let it slip during an edit war in a Wikipedia page about $topicname",
			"Bible numerology has clues about $topicname",

lib/Acme/ConspiracyTheory/Random.pm  view on Meta::CPAN

		},
		sub {
			my $animal = real_animal( $redstring );
			"the $animal originally comes from another planet";
		},
		sub {
			my $animal = real_animal( $redstring );
			my $group  = shady_group( $redstring );
			my $stupid = _RANDOM_(
				'people in costumes',
				'animatronics',
				'CGI',
				'highly coordinated swarms of bees',
				'holograms',
				'a mirage',
			);
			"the $animal is a fake animal and is just $stupid";
		},
		sub {
			my $animal = fake_animal( $redstring );
			"the $animal is a real animal";
		},
		sub {
			my $time = future_time( $redstring );
			"the world will end $time";
		},
		sub {
			my $time = future_time( $redstring );
			$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'comets', plural => 1 };
			"the comet will hit us $time";
		},
		sub {
			my $place = random_place( $redstring );
			$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'flooding', plural => 1 };
			"$place was destroyed by floods";
		},
		sub {
			my $place = random_place( $redstring );
			my $group = $redstring->{shady_group}{name} // shady_group( $redstring );
			$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'coup d\'etats', plural => 1 };
			"$place is ruled by $group";
		},
		sub {
			my $time = future_time( $redstring );
			$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'zombies', plural => 1 };
			"the zombie apocalypse will start $time";
		},
		sub {
			my $time = future_time( $redstring );
			$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'Jesus', plural => 0 };
			"Jesus will return $time";
		},
		sub {
			my $mc    = mind_control_device( $redstring );
			my $group = $redstring->{shady_group}{name} // shady_group( $redstring );
			"THEY ($group) are using $mc";
		},
		sub {
			my $victim = victim( $redstring );
			my $place  = bad_place( $redstring );
			"$victim is alive and kept at $place";
		},
		sub {
			my $artifact = artifact( $redstring );
			my $p = random_place( $redstring );
			"$artifact is in $p";
		},
		sub {
			my $victim = victim( $redstring );
			$redstring->{topic} = { name => 'the antichrist', plural => 0 };
			"$victim was the antichrist";
		},
		sub {
			my $victim = victim( $redstring );
			"$victim was a time-traveller";
		},
		sub {
			my $victim = victim( $redstring );
			"$victim was an inter-dimensional being";
		},
		sub {
			my $chem = chemicals( $redstring );
			my $stupid = _RANDOM_(
				'water mixed with food-colouring',
				'water that they put in the microwave',
				'water that came from a goat\'s insides',
				'water that they used magic on',
				'made of fairy dust',
				'melted potato starch',
			);
			"$chem is really just $stupid";
		},
		sub {
			my $fiction = fiction( $redstring );
			"$fiction is historically accurate";
		},
		sub {
			my $fiction = fiction( $redstring );
			my $victim = $redstring->{victim} // victim( $redstring );
			"$fiction was really written by $victim";
		},
		sub {
			my $p = random_place( $redstring );
			my $extinct = _RANDOM_(
				'dinosaur',
				'mammoth',
				'sabre-tooth tiger',
				'Tasmanian tiger',
				'pterodactyl',
			);
			$redstring->{real_animal} //= $extinct;
			"the $extinct is not extinct and there is a colony in $p";
		},
		sub {
			my $group   = shady_group( $redstring );
			my $invention = invention( $redstring );
			my $are = $redstring->{shady_group}{plural} ? 'are' : 'is';
			my $was = $redstring->{invention_plural} ? 'were' : 'was';
			my $invented = _RANDOM_(
				'invented',
				'cooked up',