Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
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The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
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Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
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When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
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There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
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After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
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Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
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Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
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Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
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Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
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Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
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If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
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Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
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Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
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Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
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Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
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Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
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If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
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The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack.  He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
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Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
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Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

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Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
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Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
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Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
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If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
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Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
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9 out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
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When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
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Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer is hung like an 8 year old. No, seriously... his penis is the size of a small boy. 
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Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
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Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
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Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
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Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
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Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
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Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
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Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
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Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
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When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
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Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
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Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
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Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
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If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
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Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
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Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
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Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
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If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
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The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
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Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
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The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song "Raining Blood" about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
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Someone told Jack Bauer to "kill the lights." I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
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Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
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Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
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When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
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Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
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When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
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In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
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Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
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When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
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People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there’s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
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Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
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At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
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There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
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They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
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People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
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Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
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It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
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The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
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The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
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Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
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Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
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Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer makes Navy Seals look like girly men.
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Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
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24 is not a show, it's a way of life.
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Tsunamis occur when Jack Bauer flushes his toilet.
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Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
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The original intro narrative for each episode of 24 ended with "My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a bad ass."
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Jack Bauer does not wash his hands when he pees. Jack Bauer knows better than to pee on his hands.
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When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
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In season 2, Jack told Kim to shoot Gary in the chest. He still hasn't forgiven himself for not being there to see her first kill.
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ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
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When Jack Bauer was a contestant on "The Apprentice", he fired Donald Trump from his own show.
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If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
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Obi-Wan Kenobi once hacked off three of Jack Bauer's limbs, and left him to burn in a pool of lava. Jack Bauer's limbs and skin regenerated within the hour.
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Jack Bauer was once asked if he was a homosexual. Once.
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Jack Bauer could lead the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl.
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When Jack Bauer says "DAMN IT," God actually damns someone.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of chess against Bobby Fischer.  In one move.
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876 students got perfect scores on their SAT. Also, there are exactly 876 people in the country named Jack Bauer. Coincidence or not? You decide. 
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Jack Bauer can make a man-purse look cool.
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When Jack Bauer plays Hold'em in Vegas, his pocket cards are always "bullets".
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When Jack Bauer finds the nerve gas he will inhale it, becoming more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
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If you're about to get into your Jeep Grand Cherokee and Jack Bauer throws you to the ground, tells you "Don't get up", and drives off with your Jeep, you better not fucking get up.
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If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.
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The law is not above Jack Bauer. Not even the Laws of Physics.
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Jack Bauer entered a building swarming with 167 agents, all of them with protocol to treat him as a hostile. Jack outnumbered them again.
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Towels run in fear of being shoved down people's throats when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer has banged more moms than the MILF Hunter.
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When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
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God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
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Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
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The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
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Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
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The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
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When Jack Bauer has the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack’s watching.
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David Hasselhoff once tried to rescue Jack Bauer. He didn’t survive.
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked.
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When Jack Bauer's wife's paternity test revealed that he wasn't the father, he tortured his own son until he revealed who it was.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't pray with Logan.
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Jack Bauer knows what Arabs really have under their turbans.
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If Jack thought twice about killing you then you're already dead.
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Jack Bauer remembers the Alamo.
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In the evil, Mirror Mirror universe, Jack Bauer is exactly the same. He beats the shit out of everybody. The only difference is that he has a beard. 
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When God needed some ideas for the Ten Plagues, he went to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer throws away the pin instead of the grenade for fun.
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You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
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Jack Bauer does not need a space suit, he just holds his breath.
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In Batman shows from the 60s, the captions during fights used to read "Bauered!!!", "son of a bitched!!!", and "damn it!!!".  These captions were later replaced with "wam" "pow" and "sok!!", because Jack Bauer's adventures were not televised until 20...
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Jack Bauer can drink a gallon of milk in under an hour and not throw up.
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Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
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Jack Bauer doesn't put the toilet seat down.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to slap the bottom of the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup to come out.
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Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
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Jack Bauer can barbecue in airplane lavatories.
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We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
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Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, Arabs offer their turbans as handkerchiefs.
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While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
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After Pope John Paul II died, God asked Jack Bauer to succeed him.  He said no.
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If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.