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Jack Bauer can get a homeless guy to say who he's working for.
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Jack Bauer once passed a kidney stone so large that he called it Edgar and put it to work at CTU.
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If Jack on Lost's last name was Bauer, he would've killed "The Others," the polar bear, and the monster, and he would've gotten everyone rescued.  However, the show would've lasted only one episode.
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Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off?  It's called "Black Hawk Down".
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to say goodbye when he hangs up. Everyone knows when he's finished talking.
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George Mason once called Jack Bauer a "stupid chump." Years later he died in a nuclear blast.  This is no coincidence.
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Jack Bauer's hotness is responsible for global warming.
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The islamic word for death is "shamalamahmohammadjihad."  The literal english translation of this is "Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper in expert mode with one click every time.
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One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
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Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
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Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
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Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
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The only time Jack Bauer was seen eating,  was when he was eating Chuck Norris' leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I've ever eaten.
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Jack Bauer can go back to the future without going 88 miles an hour.
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Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
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Once, a man told Jack Bauer he was better than him. Just kidding. No one is that stupid.   
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Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
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You don't play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
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When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
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Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
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As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
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The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security.  Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice. 
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When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
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Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
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Hardee's is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - "The Jack Bauer Burger" - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn't suffer from shrinkage.
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Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.
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If you are not wearing underwear at this moment, then you are "going Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer's vehicle has no less than 5 high-bandwidth military satellites following it at any time.  This enables him to stay updated on events at CTU in full-motion video.  Unfortunately, there were no more satellites available to keep track of Kim...
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Jack Bauer is the thing that goes "bump" in the night.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get older. He gets less young.
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Jack Bauer is directly responsible for the peaceful resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
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If Jack had been in Vietnam there would have been no need for napalm.
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Knives merely bend when they come into contact with Jack Bauer's skin, unless he allows himself to be stabbed, in order to do even more badass shit.
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When the tooth fairy looses a tooth, Jack Bauer leaves money under her pillow.
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At the end of season 3, Jack Bauer sticks the dangerous Cordilla Virus detonator into a school refrigerator. Most people think that this was to save the population from a widespread infection. The truth, however, is that Jack Bauer just wanted to mak...
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Jack Bauer does not attend anger-management classes but rather releases his anger by killing those who feel he should.
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Jack Bauer thinks life's a game. And games are best played in God Mode.
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Executing your boss, cutting off your partner's hand with an axe and torturing your girlfriend's husband are just some of the perks Jack loves about his job.
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Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple...
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After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsena...
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A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.
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Thomas Jefferson once said, "An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens". He never met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
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Jack Bauer's mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country.  To this Jack chuckled and responded, "You know that answer" as he snapped her neck.  Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
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Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
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Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris...
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What an ego. Donald Sutherland claims to be the father of Jack Bauer.
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Jack decided to make Dirty Harry's day.
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Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
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Jack Bauer didn't really need a hacksaw.
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If you sit at a poker game with Jack Bauer, look around the table, and can't decide who the sucker is, you're probably dead now. 
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Jack Bauer can eat 7 Saltines in a minute and then wash them down with a gallon of milk.
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Jack Bauer kills more people per day than cancer.
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You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
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If Jack Bauer was in Final Destination, Death would try to cheat him.
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Every year, atomic clocks are adjusted to Jack Bauer time.
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Jack Bauer once faked his own death by hiding in the stomach of Edgar Stiles for 2 seasons solely surviving on Big Macs and Krispy Kreme donuts. 
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The Chinese didn't admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said "That tickled."