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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
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Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.
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Jack Bauer once made a woman orgasm by looking at her. He then killed her to prevent the terrorist's from overhearing her screams.
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Jack Bauer tried to order breakfast at McDonalds once. When he was told by a McDonalds assosiate that they don't serve breakfast after 11am, he grabbed the assosiate, shot him in the leg, and asked him: "What is your primary objective?"
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The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
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The real reason why all those famous heroes like Hercules, Achilles, and Perseus lived in ancient times was because they didn't want to compete with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.
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In order to call the show 24, they have to film Jack Bauer in slow motion.
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God invented the male orgasm so Jack Bauer would know when to stop fucking.
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Jack Bauer told Frankie to "Relax".
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Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.  
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James Heller said, "You're cursed Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead."
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Jack Bauer doesn't work for CTU. CTU works for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
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Jack Bauer is the only one who knows the true location of Homer Simpson's Springfield.
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A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
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Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
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Sometimes Jack Bauer uses blanks because he likes to see terrorists squirm. This is his idea of entertainment.
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Jack Bauer has chopped an arm off of a man 5 times, only once was it necessary to save lives.
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Jack Bauer's 13 round HK magazine can actually hold 15 bullets.
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If you pretend that you are retarded, Jack will not hurt you.
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Why did Forrest Gump run so fast?  Jack Bauer was chasing him.
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Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa. 
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Jack Bauer knows who cut the cheese.
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Jack Bauer's only kidding.  He knows who you're working for.
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Regis once asked Jack Bauer if it was his final answer. He now has what once no one thought possible - more plastic surgery than Kathie Lee.
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If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
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Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
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Crosswalks weren't made for Jack Bauer, if a car doesn't stop for him, the car loses.
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By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
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Switzerland chose to be neutral to make sure they were always on Jack Bauer's good side. 
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Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim's birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.
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Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.
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Jack Bauer lost his virginity before his dad did.
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Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
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The reason everyone with Allstate is "in good hands" is that they have David Palmer running their ad-campaign... which means they're all in Jack Bauer's hands.
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One day Jack Bauer went to a Frank Sinatra concert. When Frank came out on stage and began singing his opening song, "My Way", Jack Bauer ran up on stage, put two rounds in Sinatra's head and said, "No, Frank, we'll do it my way."

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Jack Bauer can send email even if he has exceeded his storage limit.
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A lesbian feminist once asked Jack Bauer if he was pro-life or pro-choice. He responded by saying "I'm aganist abortion but for killing babies." Then he took her from behind doggy style. Afterwards the woman shaved her legs and bought some perfume.  ...
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Jack Bauer's semen has anti-viral properties, sex with him can cure AIDS, Herpes and the common cold.
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Jack Bauer never puts a safety on his gun.
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Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex.  Why?  Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
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One man once said that Jack Bauer's IQ was "24." He was found the next day with a towels each shoved up his ass and mouth.
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Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
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Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
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Jack Bauer gives his State of the Union every Monday night at 9 pm.
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John Holmes saw Jack Bauer naked in the locker room once, and had to cover himself in shame.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, unless Jack Bauer is torturing your ass and you want to die. Then life is like a box of shit.
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Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
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There were two unicorns on the ark, but Jack Bauer killed them because "unicorns are gay."
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The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked. 
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When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers.  Jack Bauer is the only hero.
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When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
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The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but  Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
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Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."
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Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
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During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
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Only Jack Bauer's sperm could create something so hot as Elisha Cuthbert.
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Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

With Jack Bauer, Halloween is every day. Because when somebody tricks Jacks, he'll get a painful treat.
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The spoon that Neo is convinced does not exist, is daily used by Jack Bauer to eat his cereal.
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David Blain held his breath for 7 minutes underwater, James Heller did it for 3 hours.
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Bedbugs tell their kids not to let Jack Bauer bite when they put them to bed.
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The I before E except after C rule can trace its origins to Kiefer.
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Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wipe his butt. Shit is afraid to hang around any longer than absolutely neccesary.
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When Gotham City is in trouble and needs Batman, they use the Bat signal to call Batman, when Los Angeles and the rest of the U.S. is in trouble, they use the mushroom cloud as the Bauer signal to call Jack.
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Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother's head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.
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Jack Bauer freed the slaves.
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When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.
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You better trust Jack Bauer, cause you don't want to go down that road with him.
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If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, it's because Jack Bauer is bending him over.
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Jack Bauer changed the number of the beast to 667.
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The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
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To Jack Bauer, the "quicker, picker upper" is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
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Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
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Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
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Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 
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Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
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Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
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If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
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Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
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Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you’re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can get a McRib any time he wants. That "For a limited time" bullshit doesn't apply to him.
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The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
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When Jack Bauer was a major league umpire, the final score was 1,241 - 994. Jack Bauer makes sure everyone is safe.
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Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
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Wayne Gretzky is 'The Great One' because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.
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A good looking man once challenged Jack Bauer to a boxing match.  That man is Sam Cassell.
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Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use condoms for birth control, he uses guns.
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Jack Bauer is not CTU. Jack Bauer will come and get you himself.
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Jack Bauer won a fight with Ditka.
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Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
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Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
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When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
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Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
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Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT's. The old SAT's.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
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Jack Bauer's HIV positive. Nobody screws Jack Bauer and lives.
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If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
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Barry Bonds was on steroids.  Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
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While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
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Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.
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Jack Bauer hates jazz.  The result?

Hurricane Katrina.
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One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, "Today is the longest day of my life."
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Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he has nightmares about Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thinks his shit don't stink. He's right.
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When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
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Drive-Thru's are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.
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The new best selling bumper sticker reads: "Jack Bauer will beat the crap out of your Honor Student".
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Jack Bauer gets the chinese man to deliver his food even if he doesn't spend the $15 dollar minimum. Then the delivery man tips Jack for not kicking his ass.
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I once played paintball with Jack Bauer. I don't play it anymore.
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The painting "The Scream" is actually a picture from Jacks camera phone.
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Superman once hid behind Jack Bauer in a fire-fight.
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In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa.  He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone would work even if he was a mile underground beneath the desert in the middle of nowhere... because it knows what's good for it.
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Jack Bauer's first words were, "You've read my file and you know what I’m capable of!", while holding a rattle to his mothers eye. She wouldn't tell him where cookies were.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don't expect him to use it.
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Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
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Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
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Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat.  Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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The combination of Jack Bauer's yelling and David Palmer's soothing words can put any animal into heat.  
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Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
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Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
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People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
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Jack Bauer drinks Bacardi 151. As a mixer.
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Jack Bauer's the kind of guy who will swat a fly with a sledgehammer in a glass house, if he thinks the fly needs to be swatted. 
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When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer circumcised himself after he began suspecting his foreskin was hiding something from him.
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Jack Bauer can pilot a plane better from the luggage compartment than Corey Lidle can from the cockpit.
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When Jack Bauer flushes the toilet, it goes clock-wise, no matter what hemisphere he is in.  
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When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.
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Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
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My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer won't let you stop reading these.
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Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn't because it's too easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't re-wear clothing. It's too hard to get the bloodstains out.
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Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already.  In 24 hours.
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If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
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Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
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Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
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In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests. 
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Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
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If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say "Jack Bauer" seven times, he appears and kills you.
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If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
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To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
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Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
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When Jack Bauer says "Screw it," your reply is, "What position, sir?".
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Jack Bauer once drank an entire gallon of milk in less than an hour without using the restroom.
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Jack Bauer can stab himself in the stomach with a hunting knife and never seek medical attention for the wound.
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Jack Bauer could get Ashlee Simpson to sing.
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The Kool Aid Man once broke into Jack Bauer's living room shouting "OH YEAH."  After fixing the hole in Jack Bauer's wall, he was never seen again.  The stock market value for the Hawaiian Punch corporation has since tripled.
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If you ever wonder what to do in life, ask What Would Jack Bauer Do, because that sure as hell will get things done faster than what Jesus would do.
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Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him. 
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Consenting to be Jack Bauer's partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
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James Bond commited suicide once he realized he had the same initials as Jack Bauer.  He took the easy way out.
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In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
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A country song about Jack Bauer would still kick ass.
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Jack Bauer played Bobby Fisher in chess and won by moving his rook diagonally.  After Jack insisted he plays by his own rules, Bobby Fisher knocked all the pieces off the board. They are still searching for Bobby Fisher...
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Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
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Jack Bauer has died, retired, quit, and gone into hiding so many times he has no idea how much money is in his 401k, but he doesn't care because he plans on taking yours.
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Jack Bauer went to Vegas and put his savings on Red 14. It stopped on double zero, but Jack still won.
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Tony the Tiger eats Jack Bauer flakes.
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Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
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In Mike Tyson's Punchout, if you beat Mike Tyson in under two minutes...you fight Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pokes the Pillsbury Dough Boy, that punk doesn't get back up.
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When the stock market goes down, Jack Bauer still makes money.
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Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
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Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
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Wolverine stole the phrase, "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice," from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
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Jack Bauer got the world's highest Pac-Man score.  Unfortunately he couldn't enter his initials, it would have blown his cover. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test.  The moment the doctor taps Jack's knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he's just been kicked in the groin.
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Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world.  He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
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Jack Bauer rolled a 13 playing craps in Vegas.
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In Season 3, Ramon Salazar said "Jack Bauer has more lives than a cat". Untrue. Cats only live once.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer would have died for our sins, but Jack doesn't die for pussies.
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If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't perspire, the water in his body simply expires.
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Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
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When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
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Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
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The pain chart at the hospital reads ”0” for no pain - “10” being interrogated by Jack Bauer.

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In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards.  The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.  
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When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
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When Jack Bauer pops a pringles can open, he can stop the fun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need music in his iPod commercials. Either you buy it, or else.
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Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
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One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents’ authority.  He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
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24 was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn't wait on anyone to start killing people.
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Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
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Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it's life.
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If you are fortunate enough to be impregnated by Jack Bauer, be careful: when the baby kicks, you are likely to be pushed across the room.
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When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
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It's Jack Bauer's world, and we just live in it. Until we meet Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always answers the phone with "Yeah!".  Only pussies say "hello".
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris got into a fight, Chuck Norris would knock himself out so that Jack wouldn't touch him.
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When Jack Bauer whispers into Lil Jon's ear, Lil Jon no longer has a hearing problem.
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Jack Bauer recently sued Warner Brothers, claiming the legal name for his penis is "The Iron Giant".
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If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
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If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
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If God and Jack Bauer were to fight, it would be God that was in a Flank-2 position.
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Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to defeat a terrorist plot. This event was never aired because the entire test audience developed post traumatic stress disorder.
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn't bother. 
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Jack Bauer has to throw his clothes out at the end of the day, anything he wears for longer gets too attached to him.
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The real reason the U.S. Government sold the shipping operations to Dubai Ports was to give Jack Bauer a fresh, readily-accessible supply of terrorists to kill.
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Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
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When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
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Jack Bauer's balls are visible from space.
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Jack Bauer won the slam dunk contest without jumping.
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To prevent a September 11th-esque attack, large buildings are now draping large banners depicting Jack Bauer fucking up terrorists over their sides.
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When Jack shot Victor Drazen 8 times, it wasn't because he was pissed, it was because he wanted to see how many shots he could get off before Victor hit the water.
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Michelle once cheated on Tony with Jack, when Tony found out he went over to Michelle and gave her a pat on the ass.
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Jack Bauer is allowed to take the tags off of mattresses.  
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If you want to get shot in the thigh, tell Jack "I don't know," when he asks you a question.
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"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is tattoed on the inside of Jack's eyelids.
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Jack Bauer tortured the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World in order to learn it's primary objective.
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One time, Jack Bauer ran out of minutes on his cell phone. That was the day of the Northridge earthquake.
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Jack Bauer makes Freddy Kruger wet the bed.
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Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
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People think Jack Bauer can't be shot because the enemies fear him, but it's really the bullets fearing Jack.
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Jack Bauer was once slapped and told to turn the other cheek.  He did, but only to reach for his gun.
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Jack Bauer does not pull out. The girl must know when to push away or else its her problem.
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The reason Mohamed doesn't want pictures of him drawn is because he's afraid Jack Bauer will recognize him.
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When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
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If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he'd have been off the Island with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
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Jack tourtured Paul knowing damn well he wasn't a terrorist. He just hates the British.
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Jack Bauer sank my battleship.
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Don't worry if the nerve gas goes off, Jack Bauer will inhale it and then blow it on the terrorists, and Cummings.
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If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
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Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
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Jack Bauer can heat a burrito so hot that even Jack Bauer cannot hold.
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Jack Bauer doesn't even need to clap twice to turn the lights on.
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Jack Bauer used to beat the crap out of his older cousin for having the same initials as him. his cousin now works for MI6.
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Cell phone service providers need Jack Bauer to stay in buisness.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't need your recommendation, he can find his own fucking job.
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Jack Bauer shot the sheriff and the deputy.
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Jack Bauer once took Kim to the zoo. When they approached
the cougar cage, poor Kim screamed.

Ten minutes later, the cougars were dead.
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Bauer asks, and you'd better tell. Or else.
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There once was a terrorist cell planning an attack on United States soil. CTU got wind of this and naturally sent Jack Bauer to "recon" the base and call for additional reinforcements if needed. Upon arrival at said encampment, Jack saw that the head...
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Jack Bauer smashed a mirror because he thought a terrorist was trying to impersonate him.
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If Jack Bauer were 50 Cent, Ja Rule would be rapping about butterflies and ponies.
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Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

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Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
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When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
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If you meet anyone who's an optimist, they have obviously never met Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer plays Mortal Kombat, every move is a fatality. And Friendships don't exist.
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Jack Bauer does not need a gun to kill people. He might as well torture you into killing yourself.
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The sole job of the Verizon wireless "can you hear me now" guy is to make sure Jack Bauer always has cell phone reception.  The fate of the US and all of the free world depends upon it.
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The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army.
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If you are ever going to testify against a crime, make sure Jack Bauer doesn't know because he may saw off your head in order to gain a "legit" cover with the bad guys. 
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Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key.
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Jack Bauer takes more shots then Allen Iverson.
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When God said, "Let there be light," it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.
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Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Jack Bauer" by their girlfriends during sex.
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Jack Bauer goes from 0-to-kill in less than 3 seconds.
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Every time a cell phone rings, Jack Bauer has just put a bullet in a terrorists head.
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Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
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Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
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It ain't over until the fat lady sings, and Jack Bauer is the fat lady.
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Jack Bauer was born after he performed a Cesearean section on his own mother.
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God didn't rest on the 7th day of Creation.  He created Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can eat flour and shit cupcakes. 
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Sometimes Jack Bauer likes to play dogeball with little kids.  Not with a ball, but actually throwing little kids at each other.
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Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear's baby.  And Angelina Jolie's.  And Katie Holmes'.  When Audrey finds out, she'll be okay with it....
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Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
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Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
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Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
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Hallmark would never go out of business if Jack Bauer had to send condolence cards to the families of the terrorists he's killed.
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Jack Bauer wrote the top five entries on this list.
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Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars."  Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
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Jack Bauer seats himself at restaurants.
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Jack Bauer would have finished his hunting partner off if he were in Dick Cheney's position.
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.
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Jack Bauer's semen cures breast cancer, but thats not why women crave it.
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Jack Bauer takes Viagra to keep his blood pressure up.
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If Jack Bauer had 20, and the dealer had an Ace, Jack would always double down.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
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When Conan O'Brien pulls the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever," a clip from the show is shown.  When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
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Jack Bauer puts the 'terror' in terrorists.
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If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
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Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he's rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris' penis.
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Jack Bauer is such a bad ass that as a Boy Scout he earned all his merit badges in one day.
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Al Roker lost all the weight because Jack Bauer scared the crap out of him.
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When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer. 
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You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
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Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."
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Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
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Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Seigfried and Roy's.
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Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
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Jack Bauer’s healing factor is so powerful he doesn’t brush his teeth at night. Jack Bauer just punches all his teeth out his mouth and grows a new set by next morning.
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At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
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People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
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Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
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It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
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The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
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The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
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Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
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Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
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Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
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We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
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Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
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My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
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Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
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Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
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You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
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Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

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Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
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Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
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In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
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The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
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Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
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GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
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When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
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Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
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The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
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Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
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So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
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Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
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In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
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When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
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The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
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Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
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If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
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When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
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Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
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Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
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Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
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Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
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Jack Bauer hates casual conversation.  He prefers bullets.
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Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
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Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  
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Hammertime was actually derived from Bauertime. No one can touch Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Don't challenge Jack Bauer in a eye starring contest, he has not yet blinked once in his life.
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The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
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In the time it takes you to read this, Jack Bauer would have already ended your life and moved on to your neighbors. 
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24 Producers wanted to include a Jack Bauer sex scene, but couldn't.  The reason?  Jack Bauer getting sexual satisfaction takes far longer than a 24 hour season.
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Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer doesn't use roundup to kill the weeds in his yard, he uses a gun.
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When Jack Bauer played Duck Hunt as a kid, he shot a hole through the TV.  With the Zapper.
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When Jack Bauer was 5 years old he got suspended from kindergarden, someone took his crayon and he yelled "Dammit" followed by "Son of a Bitch."
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Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
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Jack Bauer makes Navy Seals look like girly men.
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Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
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24 is not a show, it's a way of life.
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Tsunamis occur when Jack Bauer flushes his toilet.
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Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
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The original intro narrative for each episode of 24 ended with "My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a bad ass."
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Jack Bauer does not wash his hands when he pees. Jack Bauer knows better than to pee on his hands.
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When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
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In season 2, Jack told Kim to shoot Gary in the chest. He still hasn't forgiven himself for not being there to see her first kill.
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ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
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When Jack Bauer was a contestant on "The Apprentice", he fired Donald Trump from his own show.
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If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
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Obi-Wan Kenobi once hacked off three of Jack Bauer's limbs, and left him to burn in a pool of lava. Jack Bauer's limbs and skin regenerated within the hour.
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Jack Bauer was once asked if he was a homosexual. Once.
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Jack Bauer could lead the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl.
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When Jack Bauer says "DAMN IT," God actually damns someone.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of chess against Bobby Fischer.  In one move.
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876 students got perfect scores on their SAT. Also, there are exactly 876 people in the country named Jack Bauer. Coincidence or not? You decide. 
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Jack Bauer can make a man-purse look cool.
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When Jack Bauer plays Hold'em in Vegas, his pocket cards are always "bullets".
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When Jack Bauer finds the nerve gas he will inhale it, becoming more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
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If you're about to get into your Jeep Grand Cherokee and Jack Bauer throws you to the ground, tells you "Don't get up", and drives off with your Jeep, you better not fucking get up.
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If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.
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The law is not above Jack Bauer. Not even the Laws of Physics.
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Jack Bauer entered a building swarming with 167 agents, all of them with protocol to treat him as a hostile. Jack outnumbered them again.
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Towels run in fear of being shoved down people's throats when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer has banged more moms than the MILF Hunter.
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When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
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God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
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Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
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The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
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Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
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The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
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When Jack Bauer has the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack’s watching.
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David Hasselhoff once tried to rescue Jack Bauer. He didn’t survive.
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked.
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When Jack Bauer's wife's paternity test revealed that he wasn't the father, he tortured his own son until he revealed who it was.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't pray with Logan.
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Jack Bauer knows what Arabs really have under their turbans.
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If Jack thought twice about killing you then you're already dead.
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Jack Bauer remembers the Alamo.
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In the evil, Mirror Mirror universe, Jack Bauer is exactly the same. He beats the shit out of everybody. The only difference is that he has a beard. 
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When God needed some ideas for the Ten Plagues, he went to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer throws away the pin instead of the grenade for fun.
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You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
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Jack Bauer does not need a space suit, he just holds his breath.
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In Batman shows from the 60s, the captions during fights used to read "Bauered!!!", "son of a bitched!!!", and "damn it!!!".  These captions were later replaced with "wam" "pow" and "sok!!", because Jack Bauer's adventures were not televised until 20...
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Jack Bauer can drink a gallon of milk in under an hour and not throw up.
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Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
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Jack Bauer doesn't put the toilet seat down.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to slap the bottom of the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup to come out.
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Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
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Jack Bauer can barbecue in airplane lavatories.
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We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
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Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, Arabs offer their turbans as handkerchiefs.
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While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
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After Pope John Paul II died, God asked Jack Bauer to succeed him.  He said no.
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If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
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Jack Bauer could get Urkel and Skreech laid.
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MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
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When Jack Bauer needs to be fly to Mexico, Mexico meets him halfway.
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When asked what to do about the water around New Orleans, Jack said, "Damn it".
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When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
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Jack Bauer has no friends on Myspace. Everyone who adds him becomes a target by several terrorist networks, and they are found dead the next day for not giving up Jack's location.
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The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
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Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets.
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Jack Bauer invented misery.
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The only reason Martha Logan could bring herself to having sex with President Logan was by pretending that he was Jack Bauer.  However, the fantasy wasn't fulfilled when President Logan lasted 40 seconds.
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Jack Bauer can do more with a cell phone than most hackers can do with the top personal computers.
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Jack Bauer does not yield when he turns right on red.
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The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it. 
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Someone once said "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuckk the prom queen" Jack fucked the prom queen. Twice.
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Jack Bauer's Rice Krispies make no noise. Snap, Crackle and Pop were too noisy for him to complete his breakfast mission.
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The only time we'd ever have to fear the French Army is if Jack Bauer became a French Citizen.
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Jack Bauer knows "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days". He kills them.
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Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
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Jack Bauer can win the world series of poker without being dealt a hand.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
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The TV Series "The Shield" was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be included in Counterstrike, but was left out because no one wanted to be a terrorist.
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The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked. 
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Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
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On Valentines Day, Jack Bauer likes to watch "Saw" with his girlfriend.  When asked why, he said he finds it "soothing and sweet." 
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Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet. 
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Jack bauer doesn't eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
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When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
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Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
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God created the universe in 6 days.  That’s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
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Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
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Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you.  Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
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Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
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The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.
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Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.
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Sure Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase's hand - the hand that touched his daughter.
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Jesus wasn't crucified by the Romans. He had information that Jack Bauer needed.
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If Jack Bauer was in Star Wars, the Emperor would have to bow to him or die, Anakin would have died during child birth, Yoda would be his hand puppet, and George Lucas would have 4 broken fingers so he couldn't make Episodes 1, 2, and 3.
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Jack Bauer did not answer questions in school. He asked them.
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If Jack Bauer were a burger at McDonald's, he would be called the McDeath.
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Jack Bauer has recently been appointed as the new head of the Danish complaints department in Pakistan.  They request that people take a number so they can order the correct number of body bags.
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The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
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I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
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Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
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In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.  
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Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
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Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs.  The old SATs.
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Most people sleep with both eyes closed.  Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open.  As for Jack Bauer... he doesn't sleep at all.  Sleep is for the weak.
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Executions by lethal injection are carried out using Jack Bauer's semen.
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In space no one can hear you scream, no one except Jack Bauer.
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Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
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Jack Bauer has never lost The Game. Jack Bauer invented The Game
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Jack Bauer knows why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.
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Jack Bauer's favorite air freshener scent is "vanilla napalm".
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Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
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Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
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On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko. 
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When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
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Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
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Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
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At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
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Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
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If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
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Jack Bauer actually found two identical snowflakes.
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Jack Bauer's swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle.
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The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
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Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
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Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
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The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
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When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
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Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
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When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
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When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
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Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.