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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
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In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
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When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
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Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
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The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
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Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
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Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.