Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer didn't ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy's head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
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The movie "Hostel" is about a hotel where people go to relax after being tortured by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead. 
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Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
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Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
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Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
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Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
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Jack Bauer doesn't fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
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Chloe got her "personality disorder" after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.  
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If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interuption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn't Pardon it.
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When Jack Bauer had a heart attack, he fought back by shooting his heart.
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Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one.
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Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
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Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
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David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
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Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
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Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. He knows that he never has problem he can't handle, regardless of druggings, bullet wounds, hostages and sleep deprivation.
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When Jack Bauer torrents, everyone seeds.
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Jack Bauer turns left on red.
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Jack Bauer is the reason snakes don't have legs.
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Jack Bauer has caused more suicides than extacy.
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Edgar styles once gave Jack Bauer the wrong coordinates.  Jack Bauer slapped him so hard he now has a lisp.  Edgar Styles never gives the wrong coordinates anymore.  
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Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
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Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.
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A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
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Jack Bauer waited for Godot once; then Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer knows entire value of 'pi'.
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If you killed Jack Bauer's friend and you've been shot, don't count on going to a hospital.
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After taking Levitra, Jack Bauer has 24 hour erections.  He kills terrorists instead of seeking immediate medical attention.
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Jack Bauer is the only man that make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
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If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
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If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has not killed you. Yet.
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Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.
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Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't die when he gets shot, he only gets pissed.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple a day does not keep Jack Bauer away, it gets you shot. Jack Bauer loves apples. Don't eat Jack Bauer's apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't do sequels because there is nothing he can't finish the first time.
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Jack Bauer doesnt like killing people. He loves it.
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Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
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Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
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Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.
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Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
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Jack Bauer went to Taco Bell and told them he wanted something more spicy.  The results led to the E. Coli outbreak of December 2006.
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Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh. 
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Jack Bauer's eardrums are made out of titanium.
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Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer's day off.
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After being tortured, castrated, and delimbed, Jack Bauer's only response was, "Dammit."
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Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
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Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
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If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas.  Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, h...
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God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God. 

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.  
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James Heller said, "You're cursed Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead."
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Jack Bauer doesn't work for CTU. CTU works for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
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Jack Bauer is the only one who knows the true location of Homer Simpson's Springfield.
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A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
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Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
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Sometimes Jack Bauer uses blanks because he likes to see terrorists squirm. This is his idea of entertainment.
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Jack Bauer has chopped an arm off of a man 5 times, only once was it necessary to save lives.
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Jack Bauer's 13 round HK magazine can actually hold 15 bullets.
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If you pretend that you are retarded, Jack will not hurt you.
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Why did Forrest Gump run so fast?  Jack Bauer was chasing him.
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Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa. 
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Jack Bauer knows who cut the cheese.
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Jack Bauer's only kidding.  He knows who you're working for.
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Regis once asked Jack Bauer if it was his final answer. He now has what once no one thought possible - more plastic surgery than Kathie Lee.
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If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
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Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
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Crosswalks weren't made for Jack Bauer, if a car doesn't stop for him, the car loses.
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By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
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Switzerland chose to be neutral to make sure they were always on Jack Bauer's good side. 
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Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim's birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.
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Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.
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Jack Bauer lost his virginity before his dad did.
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Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
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The reason everyone with Allstate is "in good hands" is that they have David Palmer running their ad-campaign... which means they're all in Jack Bauer's hands.
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One day Jack Bauer went to a Frank Sinatra concert. When Frank came out on stage and began singing his opening song, "My Way", Jack Bauer ran up on stage, put two rounds in Sinatra's head and said, "No, Frank, we'll do it my way."

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Jack Bauer can send email even if he has exceeded his storage limit.
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A lesbian feminist once asked Jack Bauer if he was pro-life or pro-choice. He responded by saying "I'm aganist abortion but for killing babies." Then he took her from behind doggy style. Afterwards the woman shaved her legs and bought some perfume.  ...
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Jack Bauer's semen has anti-viral properties, sex with him can cure AIDS, Herpes and the common cold.
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Jack Bauer never puts a safety on his gun.
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Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex.  Why?  Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
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One man once said that Jack Bauer's IQ was "24." He was found the next day with a towels each shoved up his ass and mouth.
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Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
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Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
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Jack Bauer gives his State of the Union every Monday night at 9 pm.
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John Holmes saw Jack Bauer naked in the locker room once, and had to cover himself in shame.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, unless Jack Bauer is torturing your ass and you want to die. Then life is like a box of shit.
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Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
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There were two unicorns on the ark, but Jack Bauer killed them because "unicorns are gay."
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The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked. 
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When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers.  Jack Bauer is the only hero.
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When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
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The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but  Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
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Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."
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Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
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During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
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Only Jack Bauer's sperm could create something so hot as Elisha Cuthbert.
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Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
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Jack Bauer got all the Noble Gases to bond together.
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Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
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CTU was originally comprised of one man: Jack Bauer. He decided to let other people work there too, but only because he wanted to help lower unemployment rates. He doesn't need the help, thank you very much.
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Jack Bauer is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman. Thanks to Nina Meyers, no one understands him.
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Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer.  He passed.  It was too violent.
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When women are around Jack Bauer, they don't menstruate - out of fear.
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With Jack Bauer, Halloween is every day. Because when somebody tricks Jacks, he'll get a painful treat.
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The spoon that Neo is convinced does not exist, is daily used by Jack Bauer to eat his cereal.
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David Blain held his breath for 7 minutes underwater, James Heller did it for 3 hours.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
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Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
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The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
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Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
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When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
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It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
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In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.

Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
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Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
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Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
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Jack Bauer is old fashioned.  He doesn't kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.
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Jack Bauer saved 20% by switching to Geico. And it only took him 10 minutes.
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Jack Bauer caught a fly with chopsticks his fist try.
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If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
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Jack Bauer pisses with the lid down and still gets it in.
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Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn't open up a port.
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Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump.
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Jack Bauer was the name of the horse that paralyzed Superman.
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Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
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The CEO of American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
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CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
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Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
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Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
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Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
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On each page of Jack Bauer's day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
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When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
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Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
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In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
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If Jack Bauer says he's doing it "doggie style," it usually means he's shooting a dog.
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Jack's Bauer's balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
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Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
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The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
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Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
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Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...
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Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
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If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he'd be drilling in ANWR.
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After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
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Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
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Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
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Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
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When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
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For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
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If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
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Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
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When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
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Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
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When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
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Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
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When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
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There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
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Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
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When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
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Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
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When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
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When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
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If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
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Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
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Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
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Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
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Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
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When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
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Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
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There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
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Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
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Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
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When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
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Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
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Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?
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When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
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Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries.  He never needs to recharge.
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Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin' about, he just didn't know it yet.
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If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are fucked.
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Jack Bauer is mentioned in the Bible 24 times.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tie his shoelaces.  He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
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In season 3, Michelle was immune to the virus. This is because later that day she had a quickie with Jack Bauer in situation room 1.
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Jack Bauer was once at a club and was asked if he could break dance.  Minutes later the dance floor was littered with broken bodies.
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Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he fucking wants.
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Jack Bauer is the reason death rate in LA is so high.
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Many people don't realize that "Bauer" is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!"
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"Out of Business" is a code name for "that store didn't have the item Jack Bauer wanted to buy from them."

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Jack Bauer doesn't feel regret. He only feels recoil.
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Jack Bauer brought balance to the force.
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Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
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If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer you may be only seconds away from death.
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Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to "Speak the Fuck up."
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Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo.  Once he discovered that the  princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds.  The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn't owned a game console since.
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Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
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Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Before Jack Bauer went to Vegas, the slot machine was known as the "two-armed bandit".
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Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella.  Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer uses Binford 6100 Power tools.
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Jack Bauer has a 5 o clock shadow at 5am.
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In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
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The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
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In grade school, Jack Bauer's teachers gave him apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. 
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Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
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Jack Bauer's nickname is "Taco Bell" because he makes terrorists run for the border.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need "Tivo", televisions skip commercials for him regardless.
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The reason it's so easy for terrorits to infiltrate CTU? Jack Bauer loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
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Jack Bauer located the other side of a mobius strip.
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Jack Bauer demanded to see the stars, so the clouds moved out of the way.
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If your power goes out, it's because Jack Bauer took it.
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Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.
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When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the  Jack Bauer signal.
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On Day 4, Audrey Raines chose to be with her husband, Paul, over Jack Bauer. This is generally regarded as one of the worst decisions ever made by a human.
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Jack Bauer's doesn't use pickup lines, he just says, "Hi, my name is Jack Bauer."
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Jack ate twice the amount of sliders Kumar did.
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If you played Halo with Jack Bauer, he'd snap your neck in the game. Then for real. 
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jack Bauer once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

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Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter in the time it takes you to get dressed in the morning.
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Jack Bauer gave the sun a sunburn.
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The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
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Jack Bauer can look at white rice and turn it brown.
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Jack Bauer is the one who actually brought about the collapse of the USSR. He is known to the Russians as "Jakhail Bauerbachev".
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When Jack slid across the ground and shot the Chinese vehicle it wasn't because he needed to slide, it was because he wanted to add some style points to his kills.
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Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
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Jack Bauer, in order to escape a terrorist trap, once ate his own left hand. When he got out, a new hand, a machine gun, and six bears grew back in its place.
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Why else do they call it JACKing off?
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Jack Bauer impregnated his wife by ejaculating on his bullets and firing them into her womb.
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When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
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Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
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Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
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Jack Bauer tortures foreigners into speaking in english.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
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Nerve gas doesn't harm Jack Bauer, it simply gets on his nerves.
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If you click on "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" Jack Bauer will hunt you down and demonstrate what he can do.
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As a boy for his birthday Jack Bauer's parents showed him how to play the game pin the bullet to the head. He hasn't stopped playing it since.
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Jack Bauer causes tsunamis when he does a cannonball. 
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Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
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Jack Bauer's fesces can crush diamonds.
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Black people shut up when Jack Bauer walks into the movie theater.
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Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.
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Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
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Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
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There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
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If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
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Jack Bauer's favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
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When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
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A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
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When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
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On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
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Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
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Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
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If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.