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Acme-24

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Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't die when he gets shot, he only gets pissed.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple a day does not keep Jack Bauer away, it gets you shot. Jack Bauer loves apples. Don't eat Jack Bauer's apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't do sequels because there is nothing he can't finish the first time.
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Jack Bauer doesnt like killing people. He loves it.
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Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
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Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
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Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.
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Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
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Jack Bauer went to Taco Bell and told them he wanted something more spicy.  The results led to the E. Coli outbreak of December 2006.
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Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh. 
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Jack Bauer's eardrums are made out of titanium.
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Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer's day off.
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After being tortured, castrated, and delimbed, Jack Bauer's only response was, "Dammit."
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Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
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Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
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If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas.  Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, h...
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God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God. 

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Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
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Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
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If Jack Bauer shoots you, it's because he has a plan.  If you live, you're part of that plan.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own Tivo. His VCR simply lives in fear of ever forgetting to record his shows again.
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Chuck Norris may be able to divide by 0, but Jack Bauer can shove a towel down someone's throat. All the way.
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Jack Bauer can ride shotgun in the driver's seat.
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Jack Bauer invented the Jedi Mind trick. His only needed two words, "Trust me".
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Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't care about Kanye West.
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Jesus did not die for our sins. He refused to divulge information to Jack Bauer.
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Most people start their day with a bowl of cereal. Jack Bauer starts his day with a 9mm and a double figure body count
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Jack Bauer won the Daytona 500.  On a skateboard.
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Jack Bauer got an upgrade to first class even though the airplane did not have a first class section.
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There's only one real reason why Jack Bauer is going after his family in Season 6: It is time to purify the bloodline.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's in English, thank Jack Bauer... for not killing your teacher.
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Jack Bauer pours water into acids.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
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Jack Bauer didn't quit smoking. He just quit smoking cigarettes. Non-filtered wasn't strong enough, so he moved on to exhaust pipes.
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Grand Theft Auto doesn't have a 7 star wanted level, you don't want Jack Bauer after you, even in a video game.
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Bob Marley was not lying, he did not shoot the deputy, Jack Bauer did.
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When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
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Someone asked me how my day went, and I told them, "I feel like Jack Bauer just questioned me."
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Being Jack Bauer's caddy is the worst job in the world. He constantly has a gun to your head demanding to know where his ball is.
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If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
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When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean "Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?"
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Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
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When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
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The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade. 
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Jack Bauer thinks Martini's shaken not stirred are for pussies.
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Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
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When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
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Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
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Jack Bauer was going to study for a PhD, but he thought the hour could be better spent working for CTU.
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In the directors cut of Titanic when Rose says "I'll never let go Jack", she then pulls Leonardo DiCaprio's hand off hers and lets him drown, rolls over and has sex with Jack Bauer. Poor Leo thought she meant him.
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Jack Bauer was actually named after the verb of the same name; i.e. to Jack Bauer someone's ass.
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Keynesian Economics do not exist. Since the birth of Jack Bauer, nothing has dared to try and ration him. 
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
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Cindy Crawford's mole makes Jack Bauer want to torture her for information.
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Jack Bauer once killed a man claiming to be Jesus. Jack knew he was lying, because there couldn't possibly be two Sons of God standing in the same room together.
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Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
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Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa.  He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone would work even if he was a mile underground beneath the desert in the middle of nowhere... because it knows what's good for it.
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Jack Bauer's first words were, "You've read my file and you know what I&#x2019;m capable of!", while holding a rattle to his mothers eye. She wouldn't tell him where cookies were.
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The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
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If Jack Bauer told me "I won't let anything happen to you" and then said jump of this bridge, I would do so with no fear in my mind.
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When Jack Bauer went to Bayside High School, he created a band called "Jack Attack".  Screech wasn't let into the band.
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Jack Bauer remembers the last time he heard his father say "stop torturing your brother." It was Monday.
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Jack Bauer don't need no fucking easy button.
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When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
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If Jack Bauer was in Terminator 4, it would still be too short even if it was in slow motion.
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Jack Bauer knows where Atlantis is, because he sunk it.
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In an attempt to curb overpopulation in Middle Eastern cities, the UN offered Jack Bauer a house in Iran. Jack Bauer declined because he wanted more of a challenge.   
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If you don't know who Jack Bauer is make a bomb threat and find out. (Note: Mortal Consequences are possible.)
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Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They're in good hands.
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If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
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When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
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The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
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The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
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Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
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While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
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Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
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There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
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Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.
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The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
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Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass's death.  Sure, that's true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
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The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
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Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
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Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.  
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Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn't get AIDS.
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Jack Bauer thinks protocol means "To kill". Now it does. 
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In the Season 5 prequel on the Season 4 DVD, Jack Bauer has long, Jesus like hair. Coincidence? I think not.
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Jack Bauer can drink a beer and piss it simultaneously.
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7/11's are open 24 hours a day just in case Jack Bauer stops by for a microwave burrito.
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Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes viagra every day so he can walk.
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When Jack Bauer says jump, you don't have time to ask how high.
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Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term "Chinese Takeout".
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It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
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Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
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Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
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When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
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Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
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The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
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Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
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Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
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It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.
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When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
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Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
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The reason Edgar Stiles has such a bad lisp is because Jack Bauer socked him the face after saying Chuck Norris was cool.
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Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he's getting for Christmas.
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Jack Bauer never got picked last in kickball.
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Red Bull gives you wings. Jack Bauer didn't have time to drink it so he shot the bull and took its wings.
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Jack Bauer plays golf without golf clubs. He stands over the ball, stares at it, and scares it into the hole.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need an iPod. His ears play the song he wants to hear.
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For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive.  So he could kill her again.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
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Jack Bauer was the only one to redeem his frequent flyer miles from David Spade.
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Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
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If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
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The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack.  He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
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Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
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Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

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Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
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Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
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Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
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If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
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Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
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9 out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
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When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
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Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
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Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
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When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
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Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
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Jack Bauer doesn't interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
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Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick.  While playing goalie.  
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It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
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Harley Davidson was originally named Bauer Davidson, but Jack refused to have his name associated with such a pussy bike.
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Jack Bauer only needs one page to solve the Da Vinci Code, not 454.
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Jack Bauer wakes up before the alarm goes off. 
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Jack Bauer fears one thing and one thing only: Unprotected Sex.  Why?  Two words, "Kim Bauer".
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Jack's wife once started to smoke, so he had to slow down.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits... Jack Bauer does not have the luxury to sleep or wait, because your life depends on it.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
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50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless Jack Bauer is the man who taught you how to fish. Then your lifetime is very close to over.
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If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way. 
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Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.  It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history. 
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Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
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There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
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New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn&#x2019;t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer's sperm is expected to surpass breast cancer as a "leading killer of women" this year.
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Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
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Jack Bauer's penis is actually a Verizon Wireless cell phone tower, so it's perfectly logical that he gets service 30,000 feet in the air inside the hull of a jet.
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Jack Bauer can beat you in a thumb wrestling match without ever touching you.
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If Jack Bauer were to screw hot babes (ex. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston, and Paris Hilton.) I can assure you that that their acting careers will no longer prosper due to the fact that they will spend the rest of t...
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Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
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Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
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To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindler&#x2019;s actual list on fire.
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70% of the Earth is covered by land.  The other 30% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer could hijack a plane with a rubber ducky.
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It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
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Jack Bauer was in Al Capone's vault (he got out).
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It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
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On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
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There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
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The Sistine Chapel was the result of Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris having a food fight.
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Jack Bauer's gun was specifically made for him. If Chase or Tony ever fired it, the sheer power of it would cause their arm to rip off. That's why it's so loud, and also why every agent other than Jack gets injured.
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Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
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When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don't expect him to use it.
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Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
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Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
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Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat.  Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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The combination of Jack Bauer's yelling and David Palmer's soothing words can put any animal into heat.  
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Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
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Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
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People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
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Jack Bauer drinks Bacardi 151. As a mixer.
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Jack Bauer's the kind of guy who will swat a fly with a sledgehammer in a glass house, if he thinks the fly needs to be swatted. 
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When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer circumcised himself after he began suspecting his foreskin was hiding something from him.
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Jack Bauer can pilot a plane better from the luggage compartment than Corey Lidle can from the cockpit.
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When Jack Bauer flushes the toilet, it goes clock-wise, no matter what hemisphere he is in.  
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When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.
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Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
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My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer won't let you stop reading these.
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Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn't because it's too easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't re-wear clothing. It's too hard to get the bloodstains out.
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Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already.  In 24 hours.
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If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
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Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
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Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
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In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests. 
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Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
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If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say "Jack Bauer" seven times, he appears and kills you.
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If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
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To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
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Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
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When Jack Bauer says "Screw it," your reply is, "What position, sir?".
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Jack Bauer once drank an entire gallon of milk in less than an hour without using the restroom.
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Jack Bauer can stab himself in the stomach with a hunting knife and never seek medical attention for the wound.
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Jack Bauer could get Ashlee Simpson to sing.
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The Kool Aid Man once broke into Jack Bauer's living room shouting "OH YEAH."  After fixing the hole in Jack Bauer's wall, he was never seen again.  The stock market value for the Hawaiian Punch corporation has since tripled.
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If you ever wonder what to do in life, ask What Would Jack Bauer Do, because that sure as hell will get things done faster than what Jesus would do.
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Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him. 
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Consenting to be Jack Bauer's partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
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James Bond commited suicide once he realized he had the same initials as Jack Bauer.  He took the easy way out.
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In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
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A country song about Jack Bauer would still kick ass.
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Jack Bauer played Bobby Fisher in chess and won by moving his rook diagonally.  After Jack insisted he plays by his own rules, Bobby Fisher knocked all the pieces off the board. They are still searching for Bobby Fisher...
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Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
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Jack Bauer has died, retired, quit, and gone into hiding so many times he has no idea how much money is in his 401k, but he doesn't care because he plans on taking yours.
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Jack Bauer went to Vegas and put his savings on Red 14. It stopped on double zero, but Jack still won.
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Tony the Tiger eats Jack Bauer flakes.
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Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
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In Mike Tyson's Punchout, if you beat Mike Tyson in under two minutes...you fight Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pokes the Pillsbury Dough Boy, that punk doesn't get back up.
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When the stock market goes down, Jack Bauer still makes money.
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Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
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Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
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Wolverine stole the phrase, "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice," from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
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Jack Bauer got the world's highest Pac-Man score.  Unfortunately he couldn't enter his initials, it would have blown his cover. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test.  The moment the doctor taps Jack's knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he's just been kicked in the groin.
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Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world.  He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
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Jack Bauer rolled a 13 playing craps in Vegas.
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In Season 3, Ramon Salazar said "Jack Bauer has more lives than a cat". Untrue. Cats only live once.
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If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played. 
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Jack Bauer let the dogs out.
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Geico just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never really learned how to fly a helicopter but it flew perfectly anyway. The helicopter was scared of what would happen if it didn't cooperate.
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Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Sylvester Stallone for custody of a Happy Meal.  Bauer then went on to garrote Ronald McDonald for being what he described as "a cheap vaudeville act".
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Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
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Wearing a bullet proof vest is like wearing a pink dress to Jack Bauer.  He simply needs to flex in order to stop bullets.
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Normal people have trouble killing two birds with one stone. Jack Bauer can kill thirteen birds simultaneously with a dull pencil.
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Jack Bauer has made his own newspaper that only prints insulting cartoons of the prophet Mohammed.  It is now the biggest selling publication in the Arab world.
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Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
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Vegas dealers dare not question Jack Bauer when he hits on &#x201C;21&#x201D; looking for a trey.  In fact, they better fucking well pay up when he gets it.
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In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.
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If the Great New York Blackout was on a Monday, 24 would've still been on at it's same time.
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The Secretary of Defense's son was straight before he met Jack Bauer.
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Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.
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Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
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Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
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Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
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The only time the terror alert level goes above "severe" is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
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While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over," have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
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Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public.  That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
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Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
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You're either with Jack Bauer or against him.  If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
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In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to "The Chosen One."
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If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
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Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."
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As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
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Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
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If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.
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If Jack Bauer had broken into Watergate, Nixon wouldn't have resigned.  As a fringe benefit, there would be no Democrats older than 50 alive today.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
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Jack Bauer won the US Fencing Championship using a sewing needle.
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Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
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Jack Bauer spoke at a "Scared Straight" seminar for juvenile delinquents.  All attendees requested to be transferred directly to jail at age 18. 
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While Jack Bauer does care about the Earth, he has to drive around in an SUV because it's the only thing with enough cargo room for all the bodies.
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When Jack Bauer uses heroine, it is the drug that gets high out of Jack, not the other way around.
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Upon seeing Sean Astin become head of CTU, Jack Bauer immediately shot and killed him to prove to everyone that Goonies, in fact, do die.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. Hope infers the possibility of failure.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger does Jack Bauer impressions at parties.
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Jack Bauer only gives one present at Christmas, Pain.
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Eddie Bauer recently tried to change his company's name to Jack Bauer. His head was found in a duffel bag 2 days later.
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Someone actually clicked on the "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" link on this site.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.
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When Jack Bauer smokes pot, the pot gets high.
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Jack Bauer can beat a royal flush.
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The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
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If Jack Bauer was the president, it'd be a one-man administration.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light.  Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a hand gun. He then shoots Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and 12 terrorists. On average this blood is able to save the lives of 50 newborns.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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The Titanic didn't sink because it hit an iceberg, it collided with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's intestines don't digest food. They beat the shit out of it until it drags itself away.
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Jack Bauer spends and hour each morning practicing saying  "NOW!!!" 
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Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a circular room.
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If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked. 
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Right before he suffocated, Abu Fayed realized the irony, that, if he hadn&#x2019;t brought back Jack Bauer, all his plans would have succeeded.
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Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
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If Jack Bauer smoked cigarettes, even the Surgeon General would be selling them to teenagers.
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Jack Bauer's last girlfriend convinced him to see "Brokeback Mountain." So he broke her back. 
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Jack Bauer can eat steak with a straw.
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Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
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The laws of physics and thermodynamics are only intact because Jack Bauer hasn't gotten around to breaking them, yet.
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The first name on Schindler's List was "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer uses a 9mm to stir his coffee in the morning.
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Jack Bauer once shot a man for having too many items in the express checkout.
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Aj.com (Ask Jeeves) is currently underconstruction. The new website will be called "Ask Jack". 
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When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
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Die Hard is the funniest movie Jack Bauer's ever seen.
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Garbage men leave Jack Bauer's empty trash cans upright and in their proper location.  
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They say that men can't handle relationships. Relationships can't handle Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer taught sign language to the blind.
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The real reason the war is still going on in Iraq is that President Bush has not unleashed Jack Bauer. This is why President Bush is considered a stupid president.
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Jack Bauer flavors his food with gun powder and grated bullets.
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Rambo: First Blood Part II is actually footage of Jack Bauer's 2nd grade field trip.
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Jack Bauer
1) verb. the act of performing an act of heroic immensity.
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Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
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Jack Bauer was brought to China to enfore the one-child policy.
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There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
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Jack Bauer touches raw chicken and doesn't wash his hands. 
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If you cant't see well, Jack Bauer will start with the left eye, then he'll move to the right eye, then he's going to start cutting you.
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Jack Bauer did not drop Habib Marwan to his death because Marwan cut his hand; Jack Bauer is immune to pain.  He dropped him because Marwan has sweaty hands.  Very, very sweaty hands.
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Jack Bauer has a another daughter called Rambo.
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Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn't even notice.
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Jack Bauer whispers to get you close enough to stab you in the neck.
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The only reason that Chuck Norris is not Jack Bauer's bitch is that Jack doesn't like to lie down on the job.
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes to McDonalds, he always asks for no pickles on his hamburger. One day, he was given pickles by a cashier. Jack calmly ate his hamburger and walked out of the resturaunt. The next day, the cashier was found hanged from a lamp ...
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Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
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Jack Bauer's tears can bring back the dead. Too bad he didn't gain this power until the end of the 3rd season.
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This bag is not a toy. It is a torture device used by Jack Bauer.
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If you wouldn't go gay for Jack then you are not straight.
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Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
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Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense.  In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs he will kill you that much faster.
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Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson's body.
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Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
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Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.

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Jack Bauer doesn't pay prostitutes. Prostitues pay Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can lock a key in it's drawer.
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When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
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Jack Bauer killed Bambi's mother. And then he ate her. Raw.
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Jack Bauer was almost infected with the AIDS virus.  Instead, he gave AIDS Ebola.
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During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer.  Naturally, he got an A+.
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Rudolph the red nosed reindeer&#x2026; did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN


Recently it has been changed to 'Escalator to heaven'.
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Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
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Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
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The reason that it&#x2019;s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
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Remember Pogs?  Yeah, Jack Bauer doesn't because he never had faggot toys like that.
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The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.
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If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
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Few people know this, but the Geneva Conventions pertain only to "any and all people who are not Jack Bauer."
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When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.
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Jack Bauer does not bleed, he's donating it for research.
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Jack Bauer does not use a keycard, the doors open in sheer terror.
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Jack Bauer drinks lighter fluid and pisses fire.
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Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
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Radioactive fallout won't mutate Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer mutates the radiation.
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Jack Bauer's Sig reloads it's self because it's scared of him.
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Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer's mouth were "son of a bitch."
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Jack Bauer would have died for our sins, but Jack doesn't die for pussies.
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If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't perspire, the water in his body simply expires.
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Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
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When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
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Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
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The pain chart at the hospital reads &#x201D;0&#x201D; for no pain - &#x201C;10&#x201D; being interrogated by Jack Bauer.

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In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards.  The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.  
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When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
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When Jack Bauer pops a pringles can open, he can stop the fun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need music in his iPod commercials. Either you buy it, or else.
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Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
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One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents&#x2019; authority.  He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
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24 was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn't wait on anyone to start killing people.
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Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
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Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it's life.
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If you are fortunate enough to be impregnated by Jack Bauer, be careful: when the baby kicks, you are likely to be pushed across the room.
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When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
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It's Jack Bauer's world, and we just live in it. Until we meet Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always answers the phone with "Yeah!".  Only pussies say "hello".
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris got into a fight, Chuck Norris would knock himself out so that Jack wouldn't touch him.
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When Jack Bauer whispers into Lil Jon's ear, Lil Jon no longer has a hearing problem.
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Jack Bauer recently sued Warner Brothers, claiming the legal name for his penis is "The Iron Giant".
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If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
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If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
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If God and Jack Bauer were to fight, it would be God that was in a Flank-2 position.
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Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to defeat a terrorist plot. This event was never aired because the entire test audience developed post traumatic stress disorder.
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn't bother. 
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Jack Bauer has to throw his clothes out at the end of the day, anything he wears for longer gets too attached to him.
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The real reason the U.S. Government sold the shipping operations to Dubai Ports was to give Jack Bauer a fresh, readily-accessible supply of terrorists to kill.
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Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
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When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
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Jack Bauer's balls are visible from space.
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Jack Bauer won the slam dunk contest without jumping.
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To prevent a September 11th-esque attack, large buildings are now draping large banners depicting Jack Bauer fucking up terrorists over their sides.
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When Jack shot Victor Drazen 8 times, it wasn't because he was pissed, it was because he wanted to see how many shots he could get off before Victor hit the water.
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Michelle once cheated on Tony with Jack, when Tony found out he went over to Michelle and gave her a pat on the ass.
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Jack Bauer is allowed to take the tags off of mattresses.  
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If you want to get shot in the thigh, tell Jack "I don't know," when he asks you a question.
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"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is tattoed on the inside of Jack's eyelids.
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Jack Bauer tortured the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World in order to learn it's primary objective.
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One time, Jack Bauer ran out of minutes on his cell phone. That was the day of the Northridge earthquake.
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Jack Bauer makes Freddy Kruger wet the bed.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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If Jack Bauer liked men then gay marriage would be made legal in all fifty states.
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Jack's birthday is very important to him, for it marks the first time he ever caused someone a great deal of pain.
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Jack Bauer doesn't celebrate Christmas, Jesus celebrates the birth of Jack Bauer.
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A watched pot doesn't boil unless Jack Bauer is doing the watching.
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How many Jack Bauer's does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Jack Bauer can see in the dark.
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Jack Bauer and his wife were using 10 forms of birth control, and he still got her pregnant.
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Jack Bauer once beat a guy unconsious, tied him up, pulled the trigger on a gun pointing at said guys head, then cut off the guy's arm...And that guy was his partner Chase, who he actually liked.  Just imagine what he'd do to you -- a person he doesn...
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Jack Daniels drinks Jack Bauer. Daniels then suffers a 24 hour hangover.
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Jack Bauer once poured salt into an open wound just to see if he could still feel.
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There are worse things in life than death. Jack Bauer can do all of them.
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The reason the girls from Girls Gone Wild flash the camera so much is because the camera always has a picture of Jack Bauer taped to it.
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Jack Bauer turns his regular bathtub into a jacuzzi simply by intimidating the water until it begins trembling in fear.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat cereal. Instead he eats .9mm Casing Crunch. He killed the Captain.
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On the website HotorNot.com, there is a scale above the maximum of 10. To this day, no one has obtained a Jack Bauer/10.
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Jack Bauer's cock has been cast to play the snake in Anaconda 3.
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When Jack Bauer says he sees dead people, he's serious because he killed them all.
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Jack Bauer gave a new meaning to the expression "break a leg" because he does it to several people every day.
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Jack Bauer does not smell what The Rock is cookin'.
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Jack Bauer got a 1600 on his SATs, just by putting his name down.
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Jack Bauer uses the small stall in the bathroom. Not because he's short, but because he needs the room. 
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Jack Bauer once donated blood to a hospital. The doctor's realized that no man could ever receive Jack Bauer's blood directly. They had do something with it though.  This is why we now have steroids.
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Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel.  This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
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Jack Bauer can birdie a par 1 hole. 
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Jack Bauer does all of Jackie Chan's stunts, including ones where he speaks Chinese.
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Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris&#x2019; patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head.
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Jack Bauer gives himself paper cuts when he's bored just to taste blood.
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If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
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Jack Bauer has more lives than Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start.
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When Jack Bauer propositions a girl, "no" means "yes" and "yes" means "harder." Actually, no girl has ever said "no."
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You probably don't think that Jack Bauer can force a towel down your throat, but trust me, he can. All the way. Except he'd hold onto the little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, he'll pull it out taking your stomach lining with ...

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Worst Career Move:  Congratulations. You've been assigned to CTU. Jack Bauer will be reporting to you.
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If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
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Jack Bauer does not need anyone to open a socket for him. Jack Bauer is the only person who actually knows what a socket is and why they need to keep being opened.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry. The man you see is his "emotion double".
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Jack Bauer is 1/5th Cherokee.  This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.  
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They should change CTU to CBU: Counting on Bauer Unit.
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Jack Bauer won the four-man bobsled event at the 2006 Olympics, by himself.
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Jack's scowl was the cause of the tsunami.
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When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
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Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
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Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
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If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in "Ocean's Eleven", it wouldn't have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say "My name is Jack Bauer.  Give me 163 million dollars. ...
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To prove it wasn't a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica.  Without the spear or the volleyball.
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Unlike the hordes of CTU agents at his disposal, Jack Bauer doesn't need body armor. His skin is made of kevlar.
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The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
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Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.
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A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
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The lamp cord Jack Bauer used to torture Paul Raines wasn't plugged into an outlet. Jack Bauer generates his own fucking electricity.
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There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a "K" and ends with "ILL".
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Jack Bauer once shot his Ex-boss' wife in the knee cap just to prove her wrong when she said "You're not going to shoot me Jack."  Wait, this is a real fact.
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Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper".  It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.
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Jack Bauer knows what's in your wallet.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
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Jack Bauer has just shot you, but it was above the knee cap. You can still walk, so don't worry, you'll be just fine.
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Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shits standing up.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.


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Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack's moves &amp; torture tactics.
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Zeus is the Greek word for 'Jack Bauer'.
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Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
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Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
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While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
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Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer's skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
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If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
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Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
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The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States is because Jack Bauer is still single.
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The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
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Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
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Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
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The Ice Age only occured because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
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Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
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Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
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Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
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Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
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Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
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Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
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G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
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Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
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There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
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In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
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Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
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Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective.  The result was Jack Bauer.
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Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
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Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
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If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
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Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T were once stuck in a room.  The combination of Pitting Fools, Roundhouse Kicks and Terrorist Killing ability created a tear in the fabric of space time.  The end result was Stephen Harper winning the Canadian Elect...
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Normally the flight from Los Angeles to New York takes 7 hours, but when Jack Bauer is on the plane, it only takes 15 minutes because there's not enough time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't play "Sorry". He plays "you're going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer". 
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Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
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Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him.  Jack shot him because he said "good luck", which implied the possibility of failure.
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Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.
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Jack Bauer hits Grand Slams with no one on base.
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Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer gets five downs.
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After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
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If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
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Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
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Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
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Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
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Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
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"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
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75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
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Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
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A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
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Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
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For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
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Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
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Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
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Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
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Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
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When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

In 2003, the suicide rate for dentists reached 45.9%, an all time high. That's because in 2003, Jack Bauer had a cavity.
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Vampires dress up as Jack Bauer for Halloween.
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Ashton Kutcher got Punk'd by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer double dips.
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Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
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Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer.  Jack Bauer hates moles.
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Jack Bauer does sleep.  Sometimes when he is killing terrorists, he is actually sleep walking.
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No one says "Who's your daddy?" to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
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Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
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Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
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"The Man" is derived from "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
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Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
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The coyote hired Jack Bauer to catch the road runner. Jack Bauer ate them both.
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When Jack Bauer "goes dark" all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.
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Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
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If you read Jack Bauer's files, you are about to lose your eyes.
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When Jack Bauer went camping and told ghost stories, everybody there died.
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Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon".  Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to...

But statistics don't lie.
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If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see.  Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
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Congress is only in session when Jack Bauer is out of town, otherwise nothing would get done. People don't work well in fear.
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Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
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Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
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Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
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Jack Bauer ran into an elephant, then the elephant fell down.
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Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
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The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver  by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
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For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
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When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
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So far, Jack Bauer has said some variant of "Trust Me" 485,942 times during his televised adventures.
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"Have it your way" wasn't a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in.  Jack Bauer fucking hates tomatoes.
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Kobe Bryant will pass the ball when Jack Bauer tells him to.
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Satellites aren't in orbit. They're trying to get away from Jack Bauer but can't.
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Jack Bauer jumped in bed with a girl named Katrina&#x2026; sorry New Orleans.
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Chase Edmunds, Curtis Manning, and Mike Doyle have all tried to become the next Jack Bauer. We all know what happened to them.
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Hilter killed himself only after he learned that Jack Bauer was coming after him.
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Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
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When Bush says that we will find weapons of mass destruction, you know he is lying. If Jack does not want to be found he wont be found. 
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The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
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1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
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There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
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Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick.  And won.
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No one brings Jack Bauer to justice.  If he goes in a car with authorities, it is because he wanted them to drive him to that location.
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Step-by-step on how to beat Jack Bauer:
1. Don't try.
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Running away from Jack Bauer is like trying to kill him. You're a fucking retard for even thinking of doing so.
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The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who can exceed a buddy list limit... without the help of Chloe.
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Jack Bauer joined Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs because thought the SEALs were too soft, with them playing on the beach all the time.
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Professional wrestler "Mr. Perfect" did not die due to a heart attack. He was killed when Jack Bauer found out someone was using his assumed alias as a stage name.
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When Jack Bauer was tortured by the terrorists in season two, he was humiliated. For his revenge, he tea bagged every terrorist to death.
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Jack Bauer knows the answer to "Who is Mike Jones?".
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Jack Bauer does not push the pedestrian walk sign button. He gets a "walk" signal by approaching the street.
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Cops give red lights tickets for getting in Jack Bauer's way.
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Jack Bauer's interpretation of the meaning of life is simple. End it.
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Guys wearing a t-shirt "I'm with stupid" suddenly realize that the hand is showing upwards when they're standing next to Jack Bauer.
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At last years Christmas party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived.
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The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
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When you go to hell, it's just a room with you and Jack.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.

The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.

Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
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Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.
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Jack Bauer drinks milk after the expiration date.
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When Jack Bauer sees a sign saying "slippery when wet" he hovers.
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Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
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Nobody puts Jack Bauer in the corner.
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Jack Bauer once spilled bean dip on Chloe at the CTU Christmas party. She's had a shitty fucking attitude ever since. 
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Jack Bauer is never charged the $2 fee when using foreign ATM machines.
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Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
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Jack Bauer has Jesus-like healing powers. But when Jack brings someone back to life, he kills them again.
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Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds.  Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
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The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
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"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
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In his presence, every feminist has to make Jack Bauer a sandwich and suck his dick afterwards.
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The atomic clock is set to Jack Bauer's watch.
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The Ten Commandments has an asterisk, excluding Jack Bauer from having to obey all of the above.
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Jack Bauer knows what the definition of "is" is.
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Altoids aren't too strong for Jack Bauer, he's too strong for them.
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Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect?  Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
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If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.  
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Jack Bauer is on a freighter bound for China.  17 terrorists attempt to attack the US from Toronto.  Coincidence?
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Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
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Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why the hell else do you think dinosaurs are extinct.
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Jack Bauer has never met a terrorist he didn't like.  To kill.
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When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
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Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven't discovered intelligent life in the universe.
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Why you never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?  He has Edgar Stiles go for him. 
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If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
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Every time a suspect with vital information gets shot right before Jack Bauer starts to interrogate them, they think to themselves, "Thank you God for letting me die before Jack got to me!" 
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If Jack Bauer said the world was flat. You better believe him.
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Why do they call it Jacking off? Because Jack Bauer only needs his hand to blow anything up.
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Jack Bauer can smoke ciggarettes on an airplane.
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Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
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It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends a blank form along with a picture of himself with a gun.  Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes ever.
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Jack Bauer knows what is in secret sauce.
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The real reason "24" wasn't cancelled in its first season is that Jack Bauer spoke to the Fox executives through the TV screen and threatened them with towels.
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When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
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Jack Bauer is the only true American Idol.
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Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
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Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
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If Jack Bauer were Mexican, everyone in the United States would try to hop the border to Mexico.
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Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook. 


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Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer's buttons.
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
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Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
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The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
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If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are fucked.
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When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
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Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn't stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.
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Jack Bauer loves to break hearts, literally and metaphorically.
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Jack Bauer's nerves set off every metal in an airport when he walks in.
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It wasn't the needle that killed Tony... it was Jack's death grip in thinking he was already dead.
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The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, &#x201C;The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.&#x201D;
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Jack Bauer parties like its 1999.
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Jack Bauer is the American Idol. 
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Jack Bauer ate Hanibal Lector.
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Jack Bauer places a bag of flaming dog shit on Satan's front porch every week. Satan knows Jack is doing it, but he can't do anything about it.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The first piece of luggage to appear on the baggage carousel belongs to Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer cooks his three minute flapjacks in two minutes.
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Jack Bauer can eat hotwings without napkins.
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Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him. 
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When Jack Bauer talks in his sleep, he sets precedents for the Supreme Court.
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When Tony Montana said "Say hello to my little friend," he meant Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a "little" goes a long way.
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Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
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Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
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Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
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Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
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Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him. 
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Jack Bauer never lets go of your Eggo.
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Jack Bauer can smell carbon mononxide.
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The Swiss Army Knife MacGuyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.
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The Ghostbusters call Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.  
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Gas prices in California never rise for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer didn't need a hacksaw.  He just didn't feel like ripping Marshall Goren's head off with his bare hands.
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Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, "I give you my word damn it we're running out of time son of a bitch" but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
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When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist's neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, "Man, I finally got to fuckin' eat."
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Jack Bauer doesn't cut paper. He just angrily yells at it until it cuts itself into the shape he desires.
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Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.
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Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
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Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country.  How patriotic are you?
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In Season 3 Jack Bauer "distracted" an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can.  He then shot the man anyway.
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Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
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There are only 2 types of people in the world:
&#x2022; Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
&#x2022; Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will  eventually die as a result.
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Jack Bauer once appeared in a Staples commercial... he broke the easy button because everything comes easy to Jack Bauer.
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If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper.  He uses terrorists.
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Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.
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Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
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Derek Zoolander once told Jack Bauer he was going to show him "Magnum". Jack misunderstood. There hasn't been a Zoolander 2.
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Jack Bauer once killed a Muslim and took his towel to wipe the sweat off his balls.
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Jack Bauer is the only person who can actually knock you into next week.
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A bird in hand is better than two in the bush. Jack Bauer never heard this before. He ate all three birds.
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When Kim Bauer killed her first terrorist, Jack Bauer shed a single tear. The tear was so salty that it caused eleven other terrorists in the nearby region to have a stroke. They died instantly.
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When Jack Bauer gets cold he takes more clothes off.
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When Jack Bauer was finished interrogating Chuck Norris, Chuck was pregnant.
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Jack Bauer could hit 73 homeruns without using steroids, and he'd do it in 24 hours.
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All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was the only cast member of 24 who didn't get invited to Sony's 24: The Game premier party.  Sony was afraid their insurance would not be able to cover the deaths of all the other game players.
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Jack Bauer is Macguyver's wet dream.
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Jack Bauer made the sun change direction because it was in his eyes.

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Jack Bauer speaks 37 languages simultaneously.
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The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
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The proverb "Do unto others..." does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
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When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear the sound, Jack Bauer hears it.
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The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they'll get Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".


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Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 
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The author of A Million Little Pieces's was ironicly found in a million little peices last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
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When Darth Vader memorably uttered, "Impressive, Most Impressive", he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
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The Jack Bauer Severe Incapacitating Chest Punch is illegal in 27 states.
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Jack Bauer uses pepper spray to re-wet his eyes and get the red out.
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Jack Bauer is uncircumcised.  Baby Jack stabbed the doctor in the neck for daring to come near his penis.
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Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs dont make noise in his pocket.
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When your mother dies, you will find a sealed envelope hidden in her dresser. Enclosed within will be a letter that tells you that Jack Bauer is, in fact, your father.
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When Jack Bauer takes a "shot in the dark", at least 2 women get knocked up.
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Only Jack Bauer can have his picture taken, and take the picture... at the same time.
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If you tell Jack Bauer you have good news, he will kill you.  Jack Bauer don't need no fucking car insurance.
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80% of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is disqualified from ever appearing on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" because he can answer all the questions without using a lifeline. Jack Bauer IS the lifeline.
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When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
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Jack Bauer can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
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Jack Bauer destroyed the rainforest to print out his autobiography.
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The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.  
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Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
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The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
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To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in." 
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Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
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Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
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Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
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The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
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At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
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When she was 5, Kim Bauer was stung by a bee.  Jack Bauer spent the next 24 hours tracking down the bee and infiltrating the hive.  After stuffing a towel down the throat of the perpetrator, he shot up the entire hive and murdered the queen.

This scene was later recreated during Season One of 24.  The bee was played by Dennis Hopper.
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A long time ago a man disrespected Jack Bauer; coincidentally, that man was found dead the next day with two bullets in his chest, his hand chopped off, and a towel lodged deep down his throat.  
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Jack Bauer wouldnt need a hydrolic press, he could kill a terminator with his bare hands.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

"I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
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Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry.  You won't like him when he is angry.
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Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
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The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
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The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
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Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
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Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
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Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
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An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
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Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
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To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
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'Flank 2' actually means, "Stand down CTU, I've got this under control."
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In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad.  That little boy's name?  Stephen Hawking.
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Jack Bauer once won a boxing match agaisnt Rocky.  With his hands tied behind his back.
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The real reason the NHL ended the lockout last summer was not because the owners and players finally agreed to a contract. It was because Jack Bauer wanted to see some hockey games (when he wasn't killing terrorists).
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Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.
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If you dare read Jack's file, the first thing he's going to do is cut out your left eye...
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Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours. 
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Jack Bauer killed Jack Black for using the slogan "Jack is Back" during the super bowl commercial. 
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Jack Bauer understands the words that are coming out of Chris Tucker's mouth, but it's just easier to shoot him.
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Jack Bauer made Heather Brooke gag.
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Jack Bauer never gets the watery stuff when using ketchup from the bottle, even if he doesn't shake it first.
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When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
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Jack Bauer beats Koreans in Starcraft.
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When Jack Bauer shoots his load, his wife has to wear a kevlar vest.  
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Kim is an Ashlee Simpson fan.  It's the only reason she is on the radio.
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Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking. 
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Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
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Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
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Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
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What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
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Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
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The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
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How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.
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It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse. 
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You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
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Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
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If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
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Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
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Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
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The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
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Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
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In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
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Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
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Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
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Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
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Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
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The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
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When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

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In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
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The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
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Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
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When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies. 
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Jack Bauer's case of the Mondays was that there weren't enough terrorists to kill in a day.
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We once had a bachelor party for Bauer. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
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Twenty-four is getting stupid. Jack Bauer had to hold his breath so he wouldn not breathe in gas. Since when does Jack Bauer need to breathe? Jack Bauer lives off killing people, not oxygen.
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To Jack Bauer, "Dammit" isn't just a cuss word, it's a way of life.
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If Jack Bauer and Walker, Texas Ranger ever happened to get within 10 feet of each other, the universe will explode. Fortunately, they would both survive.
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Jack Bauer doesn't just beat addiction, he shoots it with a gun.
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When Jack Bauer eats Skittles, a rainbow leads him to the next terrorist that he is going to kill.
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Jack Bauer's real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. No.  Really.  It is.
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Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it's game over.
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"The Lost Boys" is a documentary on Jack Bauer's early undercover work infiltrating a group of vampire terrorists.
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Jack Bauer is only allergic to one thing: Live Terrorists.
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When Jack Bauer proposed to his girlfriend, she said she wanted to keep her last name.  Jack responded, "Is your last name 'deathwish'?"
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Jack Bauer kills time for fun.
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Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder. 
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Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
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After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
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Jack Bauer thinks it's cute when David Banner says &#x201C;You wouldn&#x2019;t like me when I&#x2019;m angry&#x201D;. You wouldn&#x2019;t have the opportunity to not like Jack Bauer when he is angry, you'd be dead.
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Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.
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Jack Bauer won two awards on Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild awards. One for best actor in a drama series, and another for baddest motherfucker on earth.
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They say guns are illegal to just carry on the street. Jack Bauer's left and right arm tend to disagree.
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Jack Bauer is the President's easy button.
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24 would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
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If Jack Bauer had a time machine, Teri still would have died because he would have saw how much more badass he's become since her death.
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Jack Bauer takes Cialis to keep his dick down.
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"Yeah" means "hello", "goodbye", "what's going on?", and "haha" in Jack's vocabulary.
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The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20%.
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If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you're fucked.
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It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
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If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
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"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
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Jack Bauer doesn't get crabs.  He gets lobsters.
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The only reason Jack Bauer hasn't killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.
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Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
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Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
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Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
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If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
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If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
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When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
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How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?

First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
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Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
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Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
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Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
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By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
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If you're playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don't buy the AWP.  All you're doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
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Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
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Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
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For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy's menu costs a dollar.
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Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
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Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
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When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
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Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vaca...
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Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
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When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
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Jack Bauer's electrical appliances work in European outlets.
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When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
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Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
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Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work in the interest of national security, the nation is interested in securing it self on Jack's good side.
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Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
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Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
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The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
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Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
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When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
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It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
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In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.

Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
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Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
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Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
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Jack Bauer is old fashioned.  He doesn't kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.
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Jack Bauer saved 20% by switching to Geico. And it only took him 10 minutes.
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Jack Bauer caught a fly with chopsticks his fist try.
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If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
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Jack Bauer pisses with the lid down and still gets it in.
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Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn't open up a port.
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Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump.
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Jack Bauer was the name of the horse that paralyzed Superman.
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Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
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The CEO of American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
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CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
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Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
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Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
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Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
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On each page of Jack Bauer's day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
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When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
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Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
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In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
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If Jack Bauer says he's doing it "doggie style," it usually means he's shooting a dog.
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Jack's Bauer's balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
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Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
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The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
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Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
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Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...
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Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
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If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he'd be drilling in ANWR.
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After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
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Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
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Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
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Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
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When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
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For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
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If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
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Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
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When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
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Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
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When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
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Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
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When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
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There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
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Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
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When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
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Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
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When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
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When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
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If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
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Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
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Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
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Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
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Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
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When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
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Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
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There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
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Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
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Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
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When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
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Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
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Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?
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When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
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Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries.  He never needs to recharge.
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Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin' about, he just didn't know it yet.
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If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are fucked.
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Jack Bauer is mentioned in the Bible 24 times.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tie his shoelaces.  He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
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In season 3, Michelle was immune to the virus. This is because later that day she had a quickie with Jack Bauer in situation room 1.
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Jack Bauer was once at a club and was asked if he could break dance.  Minutes later the dance floor was littered with broken bodies.
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Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he fucking wants.
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Jack Bauer is the reason death rate in LA is so high.
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Many people don't realize that "Bauer" is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!"
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"Out of Business" is a code name for "that store didn't have the item Jack Bauer wanted to buy from them."

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Jack Bauer doesn't feel regret. He only feels recoil.
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Jack Bauer brought balance to the force.
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Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
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If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer you may be only seconds away from death.
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Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to "Speak the Fuck up."
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Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo.  Once he discovered that the  princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds.  The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn't owned a game console since.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.
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Jack Bauer stole lunch money from the bully.
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No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
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The only reason the energizer bunny keeps going and going is because Jack Bauer is on its tail.
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Jack Baur once cured a child of down syndrome.  He beat the extra gene out of him.
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China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction:  Jack Bauer.
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Many ask what happened to Beruz in season 4.  To Jack Bauer the day is a game, and if you leave the designated area without the blessing of Jack you get erased from existence.
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LA recently instituted a new city beautification program.  They painted a giant picture of Jack Bauer's face covering the whole city.  Now LA's birds are all gone because nothing shits on Jack Bauer and lives.
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Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated,  but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

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Jack Bauer stole the cookie from the cookie jar.  And then he shot you for asking him about it.
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Jack Bauer's Guidance Counselor once asked him what he wanted to do with his life. Bauer told him what his plans were for life after high school, but then he had to kill him.
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Jack Bauer can fit 21GB on a 20GB Ipod.
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When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.
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Jack Bauer bites the bed bugs.
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When Kim's 4th grade teacher threatened her with detention if she didn't finish her homework, Jack Bauer shot him between the eyes.  Jack Bauer doesn't like threats.  
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When playing baseball Jack Bauer always gets a walk because he has four balls at all times.
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The Drill Sergeant speech in "Full Metal Jacket," was actually based on Jack Bauer's first communion poetry reading.
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The earth rotates because it's trying to run from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the fucking news.
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Jack Bauer was the first person to ever pass Duck Hunt.
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God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.
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In 'Con Air' Nicolas Cage says, "There are only two men I trust.  One is me and the other's not you."  The other person is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
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You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.
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Jack Bauer did not actually need to hold his breath to avoid the nerve gas; He just pretended he was vulnerable to fool Lynn McGill into doing his work for him, then causing him to die afterwards.  
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Jack Bauer hates the show Lost.
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John Hancock is renowned for making his Jack Bauer on the Declaration of Independence.
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Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God. 
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Jack Bauer hates WACH-TV 57 in South Carolina, and broke the fingers of both news anchors before knocking them out.  No newscast cuts off the last 10 minutes of his show.
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The Spanish Inquisition started when Jack Bauer once asked for directions to a Taco Bell.
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Jack Bauer is so sexy that being called a Jackass has become a compliment.
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Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis but he always refuses. Is it because he's gay? No, it's because Jack Bauer doesn't fucking sleep.
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The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.
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If there really is a God then Jack Bauer should be arrested for identity theft. 
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It is Jack Bauer who sees you when you're sleeping, and it is Jack Bauer who knows when you're awake. "Santa Claus" is just a stupid codename, and Jack Bauer killed the guy who assigned it to him.
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When Jack Bauer microwaves a burrito, it isn't cold in the middle.
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Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
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Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
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"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
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When Jack Bauer read "Dianetics", he killed L. Ron Hubbard for mental terrorism.
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Jack Bauer can substitute Z's for vowels in Scrabble.
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They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn't take shit from anybody.
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Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
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Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
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In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
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Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
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Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
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Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
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The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
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Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
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Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
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Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
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When Jack Bauer said, "You've read my profile" he really meant, "You've spent 45 minutes reading facts about me on that website, you know what I'm capable of."
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If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
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Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
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If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
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When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga. 
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Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
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Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting. 
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Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
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"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
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President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
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Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
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Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
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The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
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While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
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If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
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Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
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If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
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The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
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Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three.  Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
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Michael J. Fox doesn't have Parkinsons.  He's shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
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Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
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Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
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Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
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At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
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Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
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Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
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Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
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The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
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The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
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Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
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Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
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Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
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You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
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A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
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Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
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The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
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In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
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Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
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...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
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Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
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Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
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There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter in the time it takes you to get dressed in the morning.
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Jack Bauer gave the sun a sunburn.
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The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
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Jack Bauer can look at white rice and turn it brown.
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Jack Bauer is the one who actually brought about the collapse of the USSR. He is known to the Russians as "Jakhail Bauerbachev".
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When Jack slid across the ground and shot the Chinese vehicle it wasn't because he needed to slide, it was because he wanted to add some style points to his kills.
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Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
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Jack Bauer, in order to escape a terrorist trap, once ate his own left hand. When he got out, a new hand, a machine gun, and six bears grew back in its place.
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Why else do they call it JACKing off?
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Jack Bauer impregnated his wife by ejaculating on his bullets and firing them into her womb.
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When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
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Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
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Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
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Jack Bauer tortures foreigners into speaking in english.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
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Nerve gas doesn't harm Jack Bauer, it simply gets on his nerves.
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If you click on "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" Jack Bauer will hunt you down and demonstrate what he can do.
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As a boy for his birthday Jack Bauer's parents showed him how to play the game pin the bullet to the head. He hasn't stopped playing it since.
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Jack Bauer causes tsunamis when he does a cannonball. 
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Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
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Jack Bauer's fesces can crush diamonds.
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Black people shut up when Jack Bauer walks into the movie theater.
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Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.
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Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
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Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
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There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
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If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
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Jack Bauer's favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
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When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
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A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
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When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
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On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
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Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
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Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
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If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
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Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
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Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need Viagra. He chooses to ejaculate quickly simply because there's not enough time.
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When the going gets tough, the tough get Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tea bag girls, Jack Bauer potato sacks girls.
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Since Jack Bauer and Kobe Bryant live in Los Angeles, they commonly switch jobs. What else could explain "Kobe" scoring 81 points.
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If Jack Bauer was in Independance Day it would have been called The 1st of July.
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Jack Bauer was in last years season of "Skating with Celebrities".  The show never aired because he hid in the air ducts, then killed everyone and faked his own death.
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"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
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Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
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Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
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Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
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If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
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If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
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The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
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Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
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There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
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When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
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David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
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Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
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To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber.  Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
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