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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Running away from Jack Bauer is like trying to kill him. You're a fucking retard for even thinking of doing so.
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The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who can exceed a buddy list limit... without the help of Chloe.
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Jack Bauer joined Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs because thought the SEALs were too soft, with them playing on the beach all the time.
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Professional wrestler "Mr. Perfect" did not die due to a heart attack. He was killed when Jack Bauer found out someone was using his assumed alias as a stage name.
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When Jack Bauer was tortured by the terrorists in season two, he was humiliated. For his revenge, he tea bagged every terrorist to death.
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Jack Bauer knows the answer to "Who is Mike Jones?".
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Jack Bauer does not push the pedestrian walk sign button. He gets a "walk" signal by approaching the street.
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Cops give red lights tickets for getting in Jack Bauer's way.
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Jack Bauer's interpretation of the meaning of life is simple. End it.
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Guys wearing a t-shirt "I'm with stupid" suddenly realize that the hand is showing upwards when they're standing next to Jack Bauer.
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At last years Christmas party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived.
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The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
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When you go to hell, it's just a room with you and Jack.
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Everyone wants to be on Jack Bauer's team when he plays multiplayer Rainbow Six online.
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The Roman Empire fell because they saw into the future that one day a man known as "Jack Bauer" would be born. 
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You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, all women within 3 miles have orgasms. 
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Jack Bauer won a decathalon while only competing in 9 events.
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It's a simple arrangement in God's equation. Jesus Saves His children and Jack Bauer kills His mistakes.
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Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.
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Nathan Hale said, "I only regret that i have but one life to lose for my country." Fuck that, Jack Bauer is on his third.
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This year, the U.S. government is running a $400 Billion deficit.  A large contributing factor:  overage charges on Jack's cell phone.

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Jack Bauer teaches Flash Gordon how to manage his time better.
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When Jack Bauer had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.
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When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
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Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
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Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
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After beating up Walt during filming of Season 5, Jack said "Looks like Walt Cummings is now Walt Goings."

While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn't laugh.

The rest is history.
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Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
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If Jack Bauer shoots you with a Nerf gun, you're dead.
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MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store.  Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head.  This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
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Priests confess to Jack Bauer.
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One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
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Jack Bauer did not fake his death to get away from the Chinese. He could own the entire country of China with his bare hands. No, he faked his death to get away from Audrey.
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Jack Bauer can give an orgasm to a chair by sitting on it.
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If Jack Bauer ever had to torture God to get information, he would.  Jack Bauer must protect CTU at all costs!
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Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
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Peanut butter doesn't stick to the roof of Jack Bauer's mouth.  It wouldn't dare.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
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If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
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When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's.  The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
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Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
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If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
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You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
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Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
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A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
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The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
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Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
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Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
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Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
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Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
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Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
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The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
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Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
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When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
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The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
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Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
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Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
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The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
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Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
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Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
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Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
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Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
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When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
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Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
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Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
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When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
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When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
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Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
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The only reason outer-space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
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Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you're saying.
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Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
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Despite Jack Bauer's protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:

A question on all job applications which reads: "Are you a mole?"
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When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.
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Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
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Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
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Jack Bauer watches 24 every Monday night as a weekly reminder of how badass he is.
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Don’t lie to Jack Bauer that you have a headache on date night. He’s gonna fuck you anyway.
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Jack Bauer can be seen from outer space.
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While playing Clue, Instead of investigating the rooms, Jack interrogates the Colonel until he tells him who killed Mr. Boddy.
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Jack Bauer once got his order screwed up in the drivethru. Once.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a 6-pack; he has a 24-pack, because that's how real men roll.
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Jack Bauer uses a bomb for an alarm clock every morning.
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Jack Bauer doesn't punch you in the chest.  He punches you in the fucking heart.

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Black people are jealous of the size of Jack Bauer's penis.
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Agent Pierce is 62% as tough as Jack Bauer, easily making Agent Pierce the second toughest man in the universe.
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Jack Bauer prefers windows...doors are for women, children, and people he kicks through them.
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Jack Bauer can swim 20 minutes after he eats.
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Jack Bauer can milk anything with nipples, even men.
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Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.
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When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask, "When can I come down?"
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If you Tivo 24, Jack Bauer will kill you.  Jack Bauer fucking waits for no one.
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Dead men tell no tales. Except to Jack Bauer.
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Where the Happy Meal at McDonalds comes with a toy, the Jack Bauer Meal comes with a dead terrorist.
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When he was in college, Jack Bauer once did a kegstand for 24 hours.
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The greatest trick Jack Bauer ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. 
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Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
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Don’t tell Bill Paxton, but Jack Bauer actually has the Heart of the Ocean.
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If Jack Bauer says he would tell you but he'd have to kill you, he'll probably kill you anyway.
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Jack Bauer is dead on the inside, so that you can be alive on the outside.
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If Jack Bauer says: "I need a hack saw..."  get him a hack saw.  And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack's about to cut into... He'll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
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The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.

The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.

Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
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Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.
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Jack Bauer drinks milk after the expiration date.
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When Jack Bauer sees a sign saying "slippery when wet" he hovers.
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Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
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Nobody puts Jack Bauer in the corner.
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Jack Bauer once spilled bean dip on Chloe at the CTU Christmas party. She's had a shitty fucking attitude ever since. 
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Jack Bauer is never charged the $2 fee when using foreign ATM machines.
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Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
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Jack Bauer has Jesus-like healing powers. But when Jack brings someone back to life, he kills them again.
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Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds.  Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
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The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
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"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
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In his presence, every feminist has to make Jack Bauer a sandwich and suck his dick afterwards.
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The atomic clock is set to Jack Bauer's watch.
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The Ten Commandments has an asterisk, excluding Jack Bauer from having to obey all of the above.
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Jack Bauer knows what the definition of "is" is.
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Altoids aren't too strong for Jack Bauer, he's too strong for them.
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Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect?  Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
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If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.  
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Jack Bauer is on a freighter bound for China.  17 terrorists attempt to attack the US from Toronto.  Coincidence?
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Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
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Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why the hell else do you think dinosaurs are extinct.
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Jack Bauer has never met a terrorist he didn't like.  To kill.
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When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
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Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven't discovered intelligent life in the universe.
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Why you never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?  He has Edgar Stiles go for him. 
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If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
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Every time a suspect with vital information gets shot right before Jack Bauer starts to interrogate them, they think to themselves, "Thank you God for letting me die before Jack got to me!" 
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If Jack Bauer said the world was flat. You better believe him.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
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Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
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At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.
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Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
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Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
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What is the sound of one hand clapping? The *smack* of Jack Bauer's open hand across the face of some hysterical woman in the middle of a crisis.
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The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill. 
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Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
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Freddy and Jason disappointed millions of fans when their fight ended up in a tie. Little do these fans know, the winner was supposed to face Jack Bauer.
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Paul Raines didn't die from his injuries.  He died of pure amazement when he saw the one and only Jack Bauer trying  resuscitate him.
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Jesus once turned water into wine.  Jack Bauer beat him to the brink of death for threatening the world's water supply and then demanded to know who he was working for.
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The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
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Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
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Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.
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Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
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Jack Bauer's daughter is very hot.
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When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way.  The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
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Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
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Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
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Jack Bauer's electrical appliances work in European outlets.
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When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
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Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
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Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work in the interest of national security, the nation is interested in securing it self on Jack's good side.
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Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
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Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
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The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
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Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
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When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
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It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
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In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.

Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
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Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
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Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
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Jack Bauer is old fashioned.  He doesn't kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.
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Jack Bauer saved 20% by switching to Geico. And it only took him 10 minutes.
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Jack Bauer caught a fly with chopsticks his fist try.
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If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
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Jack Bauer pisses with the lid down and still gets it in.
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Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn't open up a port.
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Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump.
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Jack Bauer was the name of the horse that paralyzed Superman.
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Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
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The CEO of American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
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CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
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Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
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Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
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Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
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On each page of Jack Bauer's day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
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When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
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Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
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In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
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If Jack Bauer says he's doing it "doggie style," it usually means he's shooting a dog.
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Jack's Bauer's balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
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Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
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The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
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Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
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Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...