set results from the CPAN

Acme-24

view release on metacpan or search on metacpan

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They're in good hands.
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If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
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When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
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The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
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The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
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Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
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While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
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Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
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There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
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Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.
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The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
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Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass's death.  Sure, that's true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
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The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
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Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
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Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.  
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Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn't get AIDS.
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Jack Bauer thinks protocol means "To kill". Now it does. 
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In the Season 5 prequel on the Season 4 DVD, Jack Bauer has long, Jesus like hair. Coincidence? I think not.
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Jack Bauer can drink a beer and piss it simultaneously.
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7/11's are open 24 hours a day just in case Jack Bauer stops by for a microwave burrito.
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Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes viagra every day so he can walk.
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When Jack Bauer says jump, you don't have time to ask how high.
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Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term "Chinese Takeout".
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It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
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Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
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Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
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When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
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Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
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The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
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Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
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Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
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It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.
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When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
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Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
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The reason Edgar Stiles has such a bad lisp is because Jack Bauer socked him the face after saying Chuck Norris was cool.
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Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he's getting for Christmas.
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Jack Bauer never got picked last in kickball.
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Red Bull gives you wings. Jack Bauer didn't have time to drink it so he shot the bull and took its wings.
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Jack Bauer plays golf without golf clubs. He stands over the ball, stares at it, and scares it into the hole.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need an iPod. His ears play the song he wants to hear.
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For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive.  So he could kill her again.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
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Jack Bauer was the only one to redeem his frequent flyer miles from David Spade.
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Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
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Pandora actually opened Bauer's Box.
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Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.
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Jack Bauer wasn't able to shake Audrey Raines out of her catatonic state because he could relate to her. It was because he had a gun in his hand. If you give Jack Bauer a gun, he can do anything. 
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When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a tota...
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Losers always whine about their best... Jack Bauer goes home and fucks the prom queen.
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Jack Bauer took 'Hit me baby one more time' as an invitation. 9 months later, Britney had a baby.
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Earthquakes are a direct result of Jack Bauer taking a shit.
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There are a few phrases that Jack Bauer can utter to you that mean death.  They are "You have to trust me" and "You are the only one who can do this."  While death isn't instant, it is inevitable.
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Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
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Jack Bauer is better at killing terrorists than suicide bombers.
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Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
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Whenever your electricity goes off its not because there has been a power cut, its because Jack Bauer is torturing someone.
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Jack Bauer made duct tape for the common man.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer plays checkers he doesn't get kinged, he gets Jack Bauered.
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Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with "Black Power".  
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch TV.  TVs watch Jack Bauer.
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Jackie Chan learnt everything from Jack Bauer. Bruce Lee didn't : He died
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
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Jack Bauer never participated in high school sports. He doesn&#x2019;t like any game that&#x2019;s not to the death. 
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There's a bullet out there with Jack Bauer's name on it. Actually, there are millions of them: He has his own signature line.
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What happens when you break Jack Bauer's rib. He takes it and stabs you with it.
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Jack Bauer is the other white meat.
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If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever. 
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Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he  passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
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Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
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The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.  
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At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession.  All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.  
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Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
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Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
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During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
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Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
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Jack Bauer once ate a quarter and shit two dimes and a nickle.
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Jack Bauer does not need SCUBA gear.  If he runs out of air, he uses anger.
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It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
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Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
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Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
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Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
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Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine.  Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
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If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
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The answer to the question "what happens when a strong force hits an immoveable object" has never been answered because nothing that has crossed Jack Bauer's path has lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer was traded for Behrooz and 99 1st round draft picks.
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All of the guns used on 24 aren't real, yet Jack's gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
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Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
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Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
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Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
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Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
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When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
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When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
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After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer allows himself to be stabbed, shot or tortured as a means of relieving stress, similar to accupuncture.
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Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
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'Lesbian' is a latin phase, which roughly translates to;
"She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer".
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you and he says he's not hurting you, then Jack Bauer is not hurting you...yet.
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Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
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Jack Bauer has fucked up more black guys than Hurricane Katrina. 
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Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune. 
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Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
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Jack Bauer did not pledge a fraternity in college, a fraternity pledged Jack Bauer.
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The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name.  Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
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In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
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When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
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Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
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The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
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Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
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Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being &#x2018;put under&#x2019; in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Mulder and Scully left the X-Files too soon. They would've realized that the truth is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not drive fast, his car is just always trying to get away.
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Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes.  Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
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Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
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Jack Bauer really did kill Victor Drazin the first time, but he brought him back to life so he could do it again.
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When Kennedy promised we would reach the moon, it was because he learned Jack Bauer had been born than morning.
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When asked why, he always answers, "because I'm Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer won in Tic-Tac-Toe in two moves.
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Jack Bauer once tried to become a surgeon, but he kept jamming the surgical scissors into the patients necks.
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An electromagnet didn't cause the plane to crash. Jack Bauer was in the luggage compartment and the pilot wouldn't listen to him.
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Jack Bauer is the reason men turn gay.
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Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
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Jack Bauer uses those he has killed as tax write offs.
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CTU was blown up in the second season of "24", but luckily, Jack Bauer was there to fix it simply by applying a piece of gum that he'd been chewing on.
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Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.
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Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school.  When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found.  Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents.
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When Jack Bauer is connected to a series of events that involves foreigners, they have to speak english even in their own homes. They have no choice, that is the way of things.
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American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
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Jack Bauer found his parents having sex, and tortured his father to learn of his primary objective.
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Jack Bauer eats Hotpockets as soon as they're done.
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In America, Jack Bauer kills you.

In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer kills you.
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When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
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Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton's tree.
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Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night. 

He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu.  Because he's hungry.
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On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he'll have made it forget him.
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Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
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When in the presense of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
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Jack Bauer didn't need to go back to the future to fix his mistakes. Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes.
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If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
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Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
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The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
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Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
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Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
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CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
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The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
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Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
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When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
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There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
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After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
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Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
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Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
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Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the &#x201C;LOST&#x201D; island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray &amp; found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
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Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
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Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
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If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
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Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
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Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
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Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
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Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
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Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
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If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
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The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack.  He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
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Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
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Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

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Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
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Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
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Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
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If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
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Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
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9 out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
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When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
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Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
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Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
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When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer doesn't eat cereal. Instead he eats .9mm Casing Crunch. He killed the Captain.
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On the website HotorNot.com, there is a scale above the maximum of 10. To this day, no one has obtained a Jack Bauer/10.
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Jack Bauer's cock has been cast to play the snake in Anaconda 3.
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When Jack Bauer says he sees dead people, he's serious because he killed them all.
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Jack Bauer gave a new meaning to the expression "break a leg" because he does it to several people every day.
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Jack Bauer does not smell what The Rock is cookin'.
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Jack Bauer got a 1600 on his SATs, just by putting his name down.
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Jack Bauer uses the small stall in the bathroom. Not because he's short, but because he needs the room. 
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Jack Bauer once donated blood to a hospital. The doctor's realized that no man could ever receive Jack Bauer's blood directly. They had do something with it though.  This is why we now have steroids.
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Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel.  This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
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Jack Bauer can birdie a par 1 hole. 
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Jack Bauer does all of Jackie Chan's stunts, including ones where he speaks Chinese.
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Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris&#x2019; patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head.
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Jack Bauer gives himself paper cuts when he's bored just to taste blood.
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If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
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Jack Bauer has more lives than Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start.
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When Jack Bauer propositions a girl, "no" means "yes" and "yes" means "harder." Actually, no girl has ever said "no."
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You probably don't think that Jack Bauer can force a towel down your throat, but trust me, he can. All the way. Except he'd hold onto the little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, he'll pull it out taking your stomach lining with ...

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Worst Career Move:  Congratulations. You've been assigned to CTU. Jack Bauer will be reporting to you.
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If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
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Jack Bauer does not need anyone to open a socket for him. Jack Bauer is the only person who actually knows what a socket is and why they need to keep being opened.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry. The man you see is his "emotion double".
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Jack Bauer is 1/5th Cherokee.  This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.  
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They should change CTU to CBU: Counting on Bauer Unit.
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Jack Bauer won the four-man bobsled event at the 2006 Olympics, by himself.
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Jack's scowl was the cause of the tsunami.
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When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
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Jack Bauer found Bobby Fischer.
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Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
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If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in "Ocean's Eleven", it wouldn't have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say "My name is Jack Bauer.  Give me 163 million dollars. ...
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To prove it wasn't a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica.  Without the spear or the volleyball.
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Unlike the hordes of CTU agents at his disposal, Jack Bauer doesn't need body armor. His skin is made of kevlar.
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The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
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Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.
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A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
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The lamp cord Jack Bauer used to torture Paul Raines wasn't plugged into an outlet. Jack Bauer generates his own fucking electricity.
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There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a "K" and ends with "ILL".
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Jack Bauer once shot his Ex-boss' wife in the knee cap just to prove her wrong when she said "You're not going to shoot me Jack."  Wait, this is a real fact.
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Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper".  It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.
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Jack Bauer knows what's in your wallet.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
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Jack Bauer has just shot you, but it was above the knee cap. You can still walk, so don't worry, you'll be just fine.
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Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shits standing up.
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"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
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As a child, Jack Bauer once ordered a "Happy Meal," but demanded his money back, as it did not make him happy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
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Jack Bauer was approached to be a talk show host, but the deal fell through when he tortured each guest on the pilot episode. He wasn't happy with the answers he was getting, and insisted that he needed to know their 'primary objective'
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn't say he's going to jerkoff, he say's "it's time to punish my genitals".
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The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
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Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
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Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
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Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
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In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can eat flour and shit cupcakes. 
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Sometimes Jack Bauer likes to play dogeball with little kids.  Not with a ball, but actually throwing little kids at each other.
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Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear's baby.  And Angelina Jolie's.  And Katie Holmes'.  When Audrey finds out, she'll be okay with it....
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Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
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Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
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Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
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Hallmark would never go out of business if Jack Bauer had to send condolence cards to the families of the terrorists he's killed.
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Jack Bauer wrote the top five entries on this list.
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Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars."  Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
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Jack Bauer seats himself at restaurants.
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Jack Bauer would have finished his hunting partner off if he were in Dick Cheney's position.
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.
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Jack Bauer's semen cures breast cancer, but thats not why women crave it.
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Jack Bauer takes Viagra to keep his blood pressure up.
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If Jack Bauer had 20, and the dealer had an Ace, Jack would always double down.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
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When Conan O'Brien pulls the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever," a clip from the show is shown.  When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
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Jack Bauer puts the 'terror' in terrorists.
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If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
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Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he's rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris' penis.
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Jack Bauer is such a bad ass that as a Boy Scout he earned all his merit badges in one day.
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Al Roker lost all the weight because Jack Bauer scared the crap out of him.
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When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer. 
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You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
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Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."
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Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
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Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Seigfried and Roy's.
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Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
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Jack Bauer&#x2019;s healing factor is so powerful he doesn&#x2019;t brush his teeth at night. Jack Bauer just punches all his teeth out his mouth and grows a new set by next morning.
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At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.
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Jack Bauer always wins Pong in one move.
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Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
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While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground.  Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
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Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was.  The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
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Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.


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Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack's moves &amp; torture tactics.
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Zeus is the Greek word for 'Jack Bauer'.
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Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
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Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
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While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
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Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer's skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
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If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
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Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
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The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States is because Jack Bauer is still single.
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The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
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Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
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Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
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The Ice Age only occured because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
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Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
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Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
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Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
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Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
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Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
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Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
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G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
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Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
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There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
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In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
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Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
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Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective.  The result was Jack Bauer.
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Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
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Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
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If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
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Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T were once stuck in a room.  The combination of Pitting Fools, Roundhouse Kicks and Terrorist Killing ability created a tear in the fabric of space time.  The end result was Stephen Harper winning the Canadian Elect...
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Normally the flight from Los Angeles to New York takes 7 hours, but when Jack Bauer is on the plane, it only takes 15 minutes because there's not enough time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't play "Sorry". He plays "you're going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer". 
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Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
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Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him.  Jack shot him because he said "good luck", which implied the possibility of failure.
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Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.
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Jack Bauer hits Grand Slams with no one on base.
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Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer gets five downs.
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After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
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If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
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Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
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Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
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Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
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Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
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"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
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75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
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Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
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A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
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Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
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For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
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Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
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Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
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Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
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Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
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When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.
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Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
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Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
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Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
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Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
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When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
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Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
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When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
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Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
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When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
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If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
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Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Peanut butter doesn't stick to the roof of Jack Bauer's mouth.  It wouldn't dare.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
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If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
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When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's.  The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
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Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
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If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
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You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
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Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
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A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
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The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
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Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
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Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
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Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
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Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
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Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
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The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
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Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "&lt; Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
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When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
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The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
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Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
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Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
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The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
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Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
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Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
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Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
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Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
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When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
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Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
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Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
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When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
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When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
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Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
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The only reason outer-space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
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Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you're saying.
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Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
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Despite Jack Bauer's protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:

A question on all job applications which reads: "Are you a mole?"
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When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
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The American dream is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
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Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
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Jack Bauer produces his own food through photosynthesis which explains why he never eats. This process excretes "Canned Whoop-Ass" which explains everything else.
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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.
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Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
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Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
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Jack Bauer watches 24 every Monday night as a weekly reminder of how badass he is.
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Don&#x2019;t lie to Jack Bauer that you have a headache on date night. He&#x2019;s gonna fuck you anyway.
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Jack Bauer can be seen from outer space.
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While playing Clue, Instead of investigating the rooms, Jack interrogates the Colonel until he tells him who killed Mr. Boddy.
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Jack Bauer once got his order screwed up in the drivethru. Once.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a 6-pack; he has a 24-pack, because that's how real men roll.
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Jack Bauer uses a bomb for an alarm clock every morning.
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Jack Bauer doesn't punch you in the chest.  He punches you in the fucking heart.

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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can milk anything with nipples, even men.
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Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.
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When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask, "When can I come down?"
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If you Tivo 24, Jack Bauer will kill you.  Jack Bauer fucking waits for no one.
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Dead men tell no tales. Except to Jack Bauer.
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Where the Happy Meal at McDonalds comes with a toy, the Jack Bauer Meal comes with a dead terrorist.
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When he was in college, Jack Bauer once did a kegstand for 24 hours.
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The greatest trick Jack Bauer ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. 
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Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
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Don&#x2019;t tell Bill Paxton, but Jack Bauer actually has the Heart of the Ocean.
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If Jack Bauer says he would tell you but he'd have to kill you, he'll probably kill you anyway.
%
Jack Bauer is dead on the inside, so that you can be alive on the outside.
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If Jack Bauer says: "I need a hack saw..."  get him a hack saw.  And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack's about to cut into... He'll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
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The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.

The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.

Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
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Jack Bauer can play a string quartet by himself.
%
Jack Bauer drinks milk after the expiration date.
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When Jack Bauer sees a sign saying "slippery when wet" he hovers.
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Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
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Nobody puts Jack Bauer in the corner.
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Jack Bauer once spilled bean dip on Chloe at the CTU Christmas party. She's had a shitty fucking attitude ever since. 
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Jack Bauer is never charged the $2 fee when using foreign ATM machines.
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Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
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Jack Bauer has Jesus-like healing powers. But when Jack brings someone back to life, he kills them again.
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Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds.  Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
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The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
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"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
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In his presence, every feminist has to make Jack Bauer a sandwich and suck his dick afterwards.
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The atomic clock is set to Jack Bauer's watch.
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The Ten Commandments has an asterisk, excluding Jack Bauer from having to obey all of the above.
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Jack Bauer knows what the definition of "is" is.
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Altoids aren't too strong for Jack Bauer, he's too strong for them.
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Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect?  Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
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If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.  
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Jack Bauer is on a freighter bound for China.  17 terrorists attempt to attack the US from Toronto.  Coincidence?
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Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
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Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why the hell else do you think dinosaurs are extinct.
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Jack Bauer has never met a terrorist he didn't like.  To kill.
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When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
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Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven't discovered intelligent life in the universe.
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Why you never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?  He has Edgar Stiles go for him. 
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If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
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Every time a suspect with vital information gets shot right before Jack Bauer starts to interrogate them, they think to themselves, "Thank you God for letting me die before Jack got to me!" 
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If Jack Bauer said the world was flat. You better believe him.
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Why do they call it Jacking off? Because Jack Bauer only needs his hand to blow anything up.
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Jack Bauer can smoke ciggarettes on an airplane.
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Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
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It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends a blank form along with a picture of himself with a gun.  Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes ever.
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Jack Bauer knows what is in secret sauce.
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The real reason "24" wasn't cancelled in its first season is that Jack Bauer spoke to the Fox executives through the TV screen and threatened them with towels.
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When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
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Jack Bauer is the only true American Idol.
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Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
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Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
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If Jack Bauer were Mexican, everyone in the United States would try to hop the border to Mexico.
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Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook. 


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Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer's buttons.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
%
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
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The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
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If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are fucked.
%
When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
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Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn't stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.
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Jack Bauer loves to break hearts, literally and metaphorically.
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Jack Bauer's nerves set off every metal in an airport when he walks in.
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It wasn't the needle that killed Tony... it was Jack's death grip in thinking he was already dead.
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The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, &#x201C;The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.&#x201D;
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Jack Bauer parties like its 1999.
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Jack Bauer is the American Idol. 
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Jack Bauer ate Hanibal Lector.
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Jack Bauer places a bag of flaming dog shit on Satan's front porch every week. Satan knows Jack is doing it, but he can't do anything about it.
%
On Halloween, Jack Bauer goes as himself.
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That hanging thing in the back of your throat? Jack Bauer planted it there.
%
Some people watch TV or read to unwind after a long day at work. Jack Bauer holds up gas stations.
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Jack Bauer can unhook your bra while blindfolded and handcuffed to a pole.
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Jack Bauer, cashing in on his super-power ability to get to anywhere in L.A. in 15 minutes, is the employee of the month at Domino's... for 5 years straight.
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Jack Bauer is hung like an 8 year old. No, seriously... his penis is the size of a small boy. 
%
Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
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Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
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Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
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Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
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Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
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Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
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Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
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Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
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When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
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Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
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Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
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Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
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If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
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Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
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Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
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Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
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Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
%
You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

%
Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
%
Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
%
In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
%
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
%
Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
%
GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
%
When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
%
Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
%
The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
%
Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
%
So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
%
Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
%
In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
%
"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
%
Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
%
When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
%
Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
%
Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
%
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
%
Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
%
If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
%
When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
%
Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
%
Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
%
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
%
Jack Bauer hates casual conversation.  He prefers bullets.
%
Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
%
Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  
%
Hammertime was actually derived from Bauertime. No one can touch Jack Bauer.
%
You wouldn't think Jack Bauer could shove this towel down your throat, but he can.
%
Jack Bauer wants to know, "Who are all of these fucking camera men!?" 
%
Jack Bauer is not required to wash his hands before returning to work.  Germs cannot survive in Jack Bauer's hands. 
%
Micheal Jackson's face is was not the work of plastic surgeons. It was Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer did not invent the term "bad ass."  He just tortured the guy who did till he gave him the copyright.
%
Jack Bauer successfully went over Niagara Falls without a barrel.
%
By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't believe in testing cosmetics on animals, he prefers terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
%
Jack Bauer once stared at a total solar eclipse.  He didn't go blind, but the world plunged into darkness.
%
Only Jack Bauer can stop forest fires.
%
Whenever Emeril says &#x2018;Bam&#x2019; &#x2013; he is referring to another kill by Jack Bauer.
%
Roosters crow in the morning after Jack Bauer wakes them.
%
You can now abolish the IRS by having them audit Jack Bauer.
%
If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter.  If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
%
President Logan is not scared because he knows the terrorits are threatening America. He is scared because he knows Jack Bauer can take over anytime he wants.
%
Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
%
When Jack was just a young boy, he was held at gunpoint by a  terrorist. He escaped by looking him in the eye and laughing, melting his brain. That laughter broke into a million tiny pieces, and that is where fairies come from.
%
John McCain only has no problem with torturing detainees just as long as it's Jack Bauer doing the torturing.
%
Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.
%
Ken Jennings' 74 game winning steak consisted solely of the phrase, "Who is Jack Bauer?"
%
The real reason Erin Driscoll left, she wanted Jack to come in on Saturday.
%
Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
%
If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't cry, the water in his eyes are running from him.
%
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
%
Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer once lost his TV remote, but managed to regain control by calmly telling the television what to do.
%
Jack Bauer would have broke Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield out of prison... But then it wouldn't have been much of a show, would it?
%
Jack Bauer doesn't count his chickens before they hatch. He smashes them into little pieces and eats them for dinner.
%
CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife's death.  By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
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Jack Bauer has once made a lie detector lie.  He then proceeded to torture it until it told the truth.
%
Jack Bauer once took every drug known to man and then took a nap.
%
24's Director no longer yells "Cut!" after scenes... it was just getting too bloody.
%
Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.
%
Jack and Dr. House are good friends.  As soon as Jack kills a man, House saves him so Jack can kill him again.
%
Jack Bauer has never had to use the Backspace button on his computer.
%
At the end of season 3, many believe Jack Bauer is crying tears of remorse because he shot Ryan Chappelle, murdering a friend.  The truth of the  matter is that Jack is crying tears of joy because he has just lived the American Dream, killing his bos...
%
My girlfriend slipped while we were in bad and called me Jack.  It made me finish too early.  "Premature Jack Elation".   
%
Jack Bauer cannot get drunk. His blood is stronger than everclear.
%
Ron Artest thinks Jack Bauer is one crazy motherfucker.
%
Jack Bauer hates the player. He loves the game.
%
What most people call S and M Jack Bauer calls first base.
%
How do black boxes survive plane crashes? Because Jack Bauer holds it in his lap.
%
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
%
Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
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If Jack Bauer was a mortal human being, his name would be Tony Almeida.
%
After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it. 

%
One time Jack Bauer was asked to bring a known terrorist back to CTU for questioning. After being gone for three hours, Jack returned covered in blood and carrying a six foot party sub, which he then ate all by himself in a single sitting. 
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The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer's boss is being Jack Bauer's partner.
%
Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
%
James Bond has his Bond girls. Jack Bauer has his body count.
%
Jack Bauer once agreed to appear on an episode of Prison Break.  It was all part of an elaborate ruse to help Ramon Salazar escape.

The setback delayed the series premiere two years... the inmates are still trying to figure out how he did it.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to an all-inclusive resort, he goes to Afghanistan for "All you can kill terrorists." 
%
His name's not Frank.
%
Batman has Robin. Jack Bauer has Kim Bauer and gets out of shit anyway.
%
Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
%
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
%
Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to workout."
%
Kim is half Jack Bauer, half human.  Enough said.
%
You can run but you can't hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you then you can't do either.
%
If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just gonna die tired.
%
Jack Bauer's WWE Wrestling DVDs don't have the "Please don't try this at home" warning on them, because there's nothing WWE wrestlers can do that can possibly hurt Jack Bauer.
%
MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her in on their show.  Jack Bauer shot the men instantly.  MTV has never tried to Raid Kim's room again.
%
Jack Bauer can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to kill terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer would win American Idol by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
%
Jack Bauer can open child proof medicine with out lining up the tabs.
%
Jack Bauer once won a game of Scrabble without a single letter.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sing the Oscar Myer Wiener song, because he is no wiener and is already loved by everyone.
%
Jack Bauer was once asked why he faked his own death, instead of making a stand against the Chinese.  Jack replied, "Because I can't fit 1.6 million bullets in my CTU vehicle."  He then tortured and shot the man to prove his point.
%
The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.
%
Ryan Seacrest is only allowed to live because Jack Bauer shares his network.
%
You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have IRS withholdings taken out of his check.  The IRS has Bauer Refund withholdings taken out of their funds.
%
Jack Bauer fakes orgasms, nothing excites him more than killing.
%
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
%
There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
%
Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
Fact: Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time.  Draw your own conclusions.
%
When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn't fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
%
It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
%
Jack Bauer didn't save money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. The gecko is now an endangered species.
%
When Jack Bauer orders a pizza with toppings, he gets pepperoni and glass. 

He picks off the pepperoni.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't lie.  He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
%
Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.  
%
If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
%
When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
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When someone on the airplane yelled "Hi Jack," Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him.  Lesson: Don't talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
%
Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
%
The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
%
Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
%
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
%
You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
%
Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
%
Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.
%
When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.
%
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
%
Nothing can get in between Jack fucking Bauer. Except for the word "fucking".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't own a working watch, he only has a timer that is set on 15 minute intervals. Thus, he always assumes he is running out of time.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
%
Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
%
If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
%
Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
%
Moses parted the Red Sea. The Red Sea would part for Jack.
%
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
%
Jack Bauer framed Roger Rabbit.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need money, "I give you my word," is enough.
%
When Jack Bauer makes love, he does it with a knife to your throat.

Just to be safe.
%
On April 15, the IRS pays taxes to Jack Bauer.
%
Never bring Jack Bauer into your home. You will be arrested for possesion of a weapon of mass destruction.
%
Jack Bauers' bowels don't move. He sits on the toilet and scares the shit out of himself.
%
Due to his inability to get drunk off anything other than the misplaced trust of those weaker than himself, Jack Bauer has been the undisputed CTU beer pong champion for the last twelve years.
%
The first piece of luggage to appear on the baggage carousel belongs to Jack Bauer.  
%
Jack Bauer cooks his three minute flapjacks in two minutes.
%
Jack Bauer can eat hotwings without napkins.
%
Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him. 
%
When Jack Bauer talks in his sleep, he sets precedents for the Supreme Court.
%
When Tony Montana said "Say hello to my little friend," he meant Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a "little" goes a long way.
%
Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
%
Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
%
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
%
Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
%
Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him. 
%
Jack Bauer never lets go of your Eggo.
%
Jack Bauer can smell carbon mononxide.
%
The Swiss Army Knife MacGuyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.
%
The Ghostbusters call Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
%
When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.  
%
Gas prices in California never rise for Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer didn't need a hacksaw.  He just didn't feel like ripping Marshall Goren's head off with his bare hands.
%
Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, "I give you my word damn it we're running out of time son of a bitch" but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
%
When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist's neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, "Man, I finally got to fuckin' eat."
%
Jack Bauer doesn't cut paper. He just angrily yells at it until it cuts itself into the shape he desires.
%
Jack Bauer can take off his underwear without taking off his pants first.
%
Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
%
Jack nearly suffocated his own brother for the good of the country.  How patriotic are you?
%
In Season 3 Jack Bauer "distracted" an armed terrorist using only a lighter, some bullets, and a tin can.  He then shot the man anyway.
%
Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
%
There are only 2 types of people in the world:
&#x2022; Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.
&#x2022; Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will  eventually die as a result.
%
Jack Bauer once appeared in a Staples commercial... he broke the easy button because everything comes easy to Jack Bauer.
%
If two trains are heading towards the same destination, one starting from 100 miles away going east at 80mph, and another from 120 miles away going west at 100mph, which one arrives first? Answer: Jack Bauer. 
%
Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper.  He uses terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.
%
Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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When someone says "Hijack!" they are literally saying hi to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have to click the New Fact or the F5 button.
%
Clint Eastwood knows Jack Bauer is always feeling lucky.
%
Jack Bauer got the dark side and light side to join him.
%
Jack Bauer has died twice. That's also a real fact.
%
For most people, a red light means stop. To Jack Bauer, it means go faster.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
%
Had the US decided to drop Jack Bauer on Hiroshima or Nagasaki instead of the nukes, the Japanese would have had no chance to surrender, as they would have all been killed in the initial blast. The Japanese should consider themselves lucky.
%
When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
%
In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours &amp; 59 minutes to spare.
%
There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
%
Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack's arrival.
%
Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2
%
Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
%
If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.  Somebody is going to die.
%
Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
%
Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white.  The first example of this ability is Eminem.
%
When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn't shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he'd had more time to do to her before killing her.
%
Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
%
When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher's would never come out of their holes.  
%
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
%
When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
%
Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
%
Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
%
If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
%
Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
%
Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
%
The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
%
Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands. 
%
We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
%
Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.
%
Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
%
If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't require a whole group of men to perform bukkake on you, just himself.
%
If Jack Bauer says "your constitutional rights no longer apply," not even the President can overturn his decision.
%
Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 

%
Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.
%
Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
%
Jack Bauer cancelled "Walker, Texas Ranger".
%
Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn't recommend Trident.
%
Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as Easter.
%
Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
%
"I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
%
Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry.  You won't like him when he is angry.
%
Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
%
The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
%
The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
%
Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
%
Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
%
Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
%
Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
%
An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
%
Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
%
To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
%

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.
%
Black holes aren't black holes. Thats the gravitational pull from Jack Bauer's Balls. 
%
When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
%
Jack Bauer's preferred method of killing terrorists is actually just pointing his gun in the general direction he wants to shoot and using his sheer force of will to realign time and space so that the bullet from the gun is now in the terrorist. Trig...
%
Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants. 
%
When Jack Bauer sees a terrorist with half a head, he stops laughing and reloads.
%
Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
%
If Jack Bauer wants his bullets to kill Superman, his bullets will kill Superman.
%
The creators of the 007 movies offered Keifer Sutherland a position as the new James Bond. They then re-named the movie to, "0024."
%
Now Curtis knows what happens when you ask Jack Bauer personal questions.
%
Jack Bauer Syndrome isn't an illness, it's a cause of death.
%
Jack Bauer keeps a gun in his couch.  You don't want to know what he keeps in his La-Z-Boy.
%
Jack Bauer once hit two home runs on the same pitch.
%
Jack Bauer once ate Froot Loops and was told to follow his nose. He ended up finding 40 terrorists in an abandoned warehouse.
%
In the shadows, a team of CIA specialists follow Jack Bauer at all times, ready to collect his tears for chemical warfare production.
%
In Season 5 episode 5. When Jack Bauer was attacked by the assassin, he didn't crack Jack Bauer's rib. Jack Bauer's rib cracked the assassin's fist.
%
Jack Bauer never parks in handicap parking spots. He does however make sure that there are plenty of crippled people to use them.
%
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate.  When bad things happen to bad people, it&#x2019;s probably Jack Bauer.
%
In Soviet Russia, bread stands in line for Jack Bauer.
%
Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"
%
When God said &#x201C;Let there be light,&#x201D; Jack Bauer said &#x201C;Say please.&#x201D;
%
Jack Bauer tortured every member of the ACLU until they revealed the location of every terrorist cell in the U.S.
%
Jack Bauer always hits above 16 in Blackjack.
%
Jack Bauer always gets Blackjack in Vegas. Always. 
%
RIP Edgar

If you see this give it a 10.

Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.   :( 
%
It was not a meteor impact that killed the dinosaurs, it was actually the result of Jack Bauer arm-wrestling Chuck Norris.
%
Jack Bauer has only cried once, and that was because he ran out of asses to kick.
%
The number one cause of death in America is heart disease.  The number one cause of heart disease is fear of Jack Bauer.
%
Richard Hellar came out of the closet not because he was gay but because Jack was in there.
%
Jack Bauer attracts terrorists like his daughter attracts psychos and mountain lions.
%
Whenever Jack Bauer's cars run out of gas, he simply does one of two things: either hotwires another person's car or points a gun at another person and takes it. Basically he is the Federal Agent equivalent of "Grand Theft Auto". 
%
When Tony Montana said, 'Say Hello to my little friend,' he was talking about Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was able to give Jenna Jameson an orgasm.
%
On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
%
Jack Bauer pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall.
%
In grade school, young Jack Bauer once shot a kid while going for the final remaining seat in "Musical Chairs".
%
On Sunday mornings, Jack skips church.  God comes to his house instead.
%
If Jack Bauer asks if you have a visual on the suspect, and your answer is "No"... you better hope CTU does something real fast.
%
When Jack Bauer plays you in Tic-Tac-Toe, he is always X. He then beats you into a bloody pulp and draws three X&#x2019;s across the middle of the board with your blood.
%
Jack Bauer is the only person Tony Soprano would never dream of okaying a hit on.
%
If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
%
After Jack Bauer fucked Nina she had to take a leave of abscence. She told district that she was rammed by a truck and wasn't going to be able to walk right for a week.
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There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
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Jack Bauer won the World Wrestling Federation title before anyone had the chance to tell him it was scripted.
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Jack Bauer has one weakness. Kim's stupidity.
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When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies. 
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Jack Bauer's case of the Mondays was that there weren't enough terrorists to kill in a day.
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We once had a bachelor party for Bauer. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
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Twenty-four is getting stupid. Jack Bauer had to hold his breath so he wouldn not breathe in gas. Since when does Jack Bauer need to breathe? Jack Bauer lives off killing people, not oxygen.
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To Jack Bauer, "Dammit" isn't just a cuss word, it's a way of life.
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If Jack Bauer and Walker, Texas Ranger ever happened to get within 10 feet of each other, the universe will explode. Fortunately, they would both survive.
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Jack Bauer doesn't just beat addiction, he shoots it with a gun.
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When Jack Bauer eats Skittles, a rainbow leads him to the next terrorist that he is going to kill.
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Jack Bauer's real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. No.  Really.  It is.
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Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it's game over.
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"The Lost Boys" is a documentary on Jack Bauer's early undercover work infiltrating a group of vampire terrorists.
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Jack Bauer is only allergic to one thing: Live Terrorists.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."
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When Jack Bauer moved to Elm Street, the nightmare ran away.
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It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
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In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Desslar, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida.

Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat, and their stomach lining removed.
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Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
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Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
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Jack Bauer is old fashioned.  He doesn't kiss a girl until her third kidnapping.
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Jack Bauer saved 20% by switching to Geico. And it only took him 10 minutes.
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Jack Bauer caught a fly with chopsticks his fist try.
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If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
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Jack Bauer pisses with the lid down and still gets it in.
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Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn't open up a port.
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Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump.
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Jack Bauer was the name of the horse that paralyzed Superman.
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Snape did not kill Dumbledore, Jack Bauer Did.
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The CEO of American Express never leaves home without Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's pair of twos beats a royal flush.
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CBS is giving Palmer what he always dreamed about: A chance to be Jack Bauer.
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Lou Gehrig was once heard to say, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." He was referring of course to the fact that a horrible disease would end his life before Jack Bauer was even born.
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Jack Bauer once started a fight club, hospitals around the country soon became overcrowded.
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Jack Bauer has never used a Lifeline on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
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On each page of Jack Bauer's day planner are the words: Save the world, again.
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When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
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Jack Bauer was actually born Jewish, but was forced to leave the faith as an infant when, during his bris, he grabbed the little snips and jammed them into the mohle's  neck for daring to come near his penis with them.
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In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
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If Jack Bauer says he's doing it "doggie style," it usually means he's shooting a dog.
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Jack's Bauer's balls are the gravitational foundation of physics. They store more mass than Jupiter, Saturn, and 10 black holes combined.
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Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
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The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
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Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
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Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel si...
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Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
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If Jack Bauer was still working on the oil crew, you can be damn sure he'd be drilling in ANWR.
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After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
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Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
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Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
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Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
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When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
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For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
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If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
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Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
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When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
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Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
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When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
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Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
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When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
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There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
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Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
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When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
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Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
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When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
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When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
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If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
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Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
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Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
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Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
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Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
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When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The Drill Sergeant speech in "Full Metal Jacket," was actually based on Jack Bauer's first communion poetry reading.
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The earth rotates because it's trying to run from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the fucking news.
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Jack Bauer was the first person to ever pass Duck Hunt.
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God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.
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In 'Con Air' Nicolas Cage says, "There are only two men I trust.  One is me and the other's not you."  The other person is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
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You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.
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Jack Bauer did not actually need to hold his breath to avoid the nerve gas; He just pretended he was vulnerable to fool Lynn McGill into doing his work for him, then causing him to die afterwards.  
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Jack Bauer hates the show Lost.
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John Hancock is renowned for making his Jack Bauer on the Declaration of Independence.
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Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God. 
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Jack Bauer hates WACH-TV 57 in South Carolina, and broke the fingers of both news anchors before knocking them out.  No newscast cuts off the last 10 minutes of his show.
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The Spanish Inquisition started when Jack Bauer once asked for directions to a Taco Bell.
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Jack Bauer is so sexy that being called a Jackass has become a compliment.
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Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis but he always refuses. Is it because he's gay? No, it's because Jack Bauer doesn't fucking sleep.
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The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.
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If there really is a God then Jack Bauer should be arrested for identity theft. 
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It is Jack Bauer who sees you when you're sleeping, and it is Jack Bauer who knows when you're awake. "Santa Claus" is just a stupid codename, and Jack Bauer killed the guy who assigned it to him.
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When Jack Bauer microwaves a burrito, it isn't cold in the middle.
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Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
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Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
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"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
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When Jack Bauer read "Dianetics", he killed L. Ron Hubbard for mental terrorism.
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Jack Bauer can substitute Z's for vowels in Scrabble.
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They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn't take shit from anybody.
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Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
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Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
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In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
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Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
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Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
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Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
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The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
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Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
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Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
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Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
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When Jack Bauer said, "You've read my profile" he really meant, "You've spent 45 minutes reading facts about me on that website, you know what I'm capable of."
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If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
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Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
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If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
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When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga. 
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Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
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Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting. 
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Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
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"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
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President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
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Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
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Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
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The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
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While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
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If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
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Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
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If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
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The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
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Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three.  Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
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Michael J. Fox doesn't have Parkinsons.  He's shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
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Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
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Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
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Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.

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