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Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.
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Jack Bauer got Tyler Durden to talk about Fight Club. Then Jack beat the piss out of him.
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Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird.  Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.
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If Jack Bauer had been flying the plane in "Top Gun", Goose wouldn't have died.
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The only person that injures Jack Bauer is Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer was in office, he had three phones: the regular phone, the red phone, and the Jack Bauer phone. Whenever there was a national crisis, guess which phone he used and here's a hint: it wasn't the red phone.
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Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway.  The bomb just gave him an excuse.
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When playing hide-and-go-seek with terrorists, Jack Bauer counts to infinity before kicking their asses.
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If Jack Bauer were to run for President, he would be the nomination for both parties and win with 100% of the votes.
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Jack Bauer stole every condom in the world. Why? Because he realized he's running out of people to kill. 
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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.
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Monday nights when your power goes out its because the mass majority of women and some men are all using their vibrators at the same time.
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Having sex with Jack Bauer has also been called "Lethal Injection."  
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Jack Bauer's hairline is registered as a deadly weapon. 
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In 2003, the suicide rate for dentists reached 45.9%, an all time high. That's because in 2003, Jack Bauer had a cavity.
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Vampires dress up as Jack Bauer for Halloween.
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Ashton Kutcher got Punk'd by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer double dips.
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Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
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Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer.  Jack Bauer hates moles.
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Jack Bauer does sleep.  Sometimes when he is killing terrorists, he is actually sleep walking.
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No one says "Who's your daddy?" to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
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Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
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Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
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"The Man" is derived from "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
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Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
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The coyote hired Jack Bauer to catch the road runner. Jack Bauer ate them both.
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When Jack Bauer "goes dark" all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.
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Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
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If you read Jack Bauer's files, you are about to lose your eyes.
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When Jack Bauer went camping and told ghost stories, everybody there died.
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Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon".  Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to...

But statistics don't lie.
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If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see.  Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
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Congress is only in session when Jack Bauer is out of town, otherwise nothing would get done. People don't work well in fear.
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Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
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Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
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Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
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Jack Bauer ran into an elephant, then the elephant fell down.
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Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
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The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver  by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
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For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
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When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
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So far, Jack Bauer has said some variant of "Trust Me" 485,942 times during his televised adventures.
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"Have it your way" wasn't a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in.  Jack Bauer fucking hates tomatoes.
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Kobe Bryant will pass the ball when Jack Bauer tells him to.
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Satellites aren't in orbit. They're trying to get away from Jack Bauer but can't.
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Jack Bauer jumped in bed with a girl named Katrina… sorry New Orleans.
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Chase Edmunds, Curtis Manning, and Mike Doyle have all tried to become the next Jack Bauer. We all know what happened to them.
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Hilter killed himself only after he learned that Jack Bauer was coming after him.
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Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
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When Bush says that we will find weapons of mass destruction, you know he is lying. If Jack does not want to be found he wont be found. 
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The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
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1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
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There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
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Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick.  And won.
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No one brings Jack Bauer to justice.  If he goes in a car with authorities, it is because he wanted them to drive him to that location.
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Step-by-step on how to beat Jack Bauer:
1. Don't try.
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