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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
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GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
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When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
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Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
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The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
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Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
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So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
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Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
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In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
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When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
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The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
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Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
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If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
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When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
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Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
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Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
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Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
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Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
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Jack Bauer hates casual conversation.  He prefers bullets.
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Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
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Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  
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Hammertime was actually derived from Bauertime. No one can touch Jack Bauer.
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You wouldn't think Jack Bauer could shove this towel down your throat, but he can.
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Jack Bauer wants to know, "Who are all of these fucking camera men!?" 
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Jack Bauer is not required to wash his hands before returning to work.  Germs cannot survive in Jack Bauer's hands. 
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Micheal Jackson's face is was not the work of plastic surgeons. It was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer did not invent the term "bad ass."  He just tortured the guy who did till he gave him the copyright.
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Jack Bauer successfully went over Niagara Falls without a barrel.
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By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't believe in testing cosmetics on animals, he prefers terrorists.
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Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
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Jack Bauer once stared at a total solar eclipse.  He didn't go blind, but the world plunged into darkness.
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Only Jack Bauer can stop forest fires.
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Whenever Emeril says ‘Bam’ – he is referring to another kill by Jack Bauer.
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Roosters crow in the morning after Jack Bauer wakes them.
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You can now abolish the IRS by having them audit Jack Bauer.
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If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter.  If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
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President Logan is not scared because he knows the terrorits are threatening America. He is scared because he knows Jack Bauer can take over anytime he wants.
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Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
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When Jack was just a young boy, he was held at gunpoint by a  terrorist. He escaped by looking him in the eye and laughing, melting his brain. That laughter broke into a million tiny pieces, and that is where fairies come from.
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John McCain only has no problem with torturing detainees just as long as it's Jack Bauer doing the torturing.
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Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.
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Ken Jennings' 74 game winning steak consisted solely of the phrase, "Who is Jack Bauer?"
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The real reason Erin Driscoll left, she wanted Jack to come in on Saturday.
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Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
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If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry, the water in his eyes are running from him.
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Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
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Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once lost his TV remote, but managed to regain control by calmly telling the television what to do.
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Jack Bauer would have broke Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield out of prison... But then it wouldn't have been much of a show, would it?
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Jack Bauer doesn't count his chickens before they hatch. He smashes them into little pieces and eats them for dinner.
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CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife's death.  By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
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Jack Bauer has once made a lie detector lie.  He then proceeded to torture it until it told the truth.
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Jack Bauer once took every drug known to man and then took a nap.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

McDonalds does not love to see Jack Bauer smile.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.
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Jack Bauer once wiped out an entire Chinese restaurant because he thought there was a bomb in his fortune cookie.
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Jack Bauer didn't temporarily die from being tortured, he was getting bored of the terrorists antics and decided to take a nap before killing them.
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The real reason women love Jack Bauer:  He can find the Clitoris.  Always.
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It took this website's admin up to a week to post this fact.  Jack Bauer would've had it up in 24 hours.
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Jack Bauer once used a retard to capture the most wanted terrorist and take down three of his subordinates.

...no, seriously, he did.
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When CTU didn't have a hacksaw per his request, Jack used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of a suspect.
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Jack Bauer was unhappy because God didn't let Jack into heaven for all his sins but cheered up after he was able to eternally torture Nina, Drazen and Marwan in hell.
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Only Jack Bauer knows whats going to happen at the end of Day 5.  In order to keep it a secret, he killed Keifer Sutherland.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.
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Black holes aren't black holes. Thats the gravitational pull from Jack Bauer's Balls. 
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When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
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Jack Bauer's preferred method of killing terrorists is actually just pointing his gun in the general direction he wants to shoot and using his sheer force of will to realign time and space so that the bullet from the gun is now in the terrorist. Trig...
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Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants. 
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When Jack Bauer sees a terrorist with half a head, he stops laughing and reloads.
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Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
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If Jack Bauer wants his bullets to kill Superman, his bullets will kill Superman.
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The creators of the 007 movies offered Keifer Sutherland a position as the new James Bond. They then re-named the movie to, "0024."
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Now Curtis knows what happens when you ask Jack Bauer personal questions.
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Jack Bauer Syndrome isn't an illness, it's a cause of death.
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Jack Bauer keeps a gun in his couch.  You don't want to know what he keeps in his La-Z-Boy.
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Jack Bauer once hit two home runs on the same pitch.
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Jack Bauer once ate Froot Loops and was told to follow his nose. He ended up finding 40 terrorists in an abandoned warehouse.
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In the shadows, a team of CIA specialists follow Jack Bauer at all times, ready to collect his tears for chemical warfare production.
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In Season 5 episode 5. When Jack Bauer was attacked by the assassin, he didn't crack Jack Bauer's rib. Jack Bauer's rib cracked the assassin's fist.
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Jack Bauer never parks in handicap parking spots. He does however make sure that there are plenty of crippled people to use them.
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When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate.  When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
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In Soviet Russia, bread stands in line for Jack Bauer.
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Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"
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When God said “Let there be light,” Jack Bauer said “Say please.”
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Jack Bauer tortured every member of the ACLU until they revealed the location of every terrorist cell in the U.S.
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Jack Bauer always hits above 16 in Blackjack.
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Jack Bauer always gets Blackjack in Vegas. Always. 
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RIP Edgar

If you see this give it a 10.

Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.   :( 
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It was not a meteor impact that killed the dinosaurs, it was actually the result of Jack Bauer arm-wrestling Chuck Norris.
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Jack Bauer has only cried once, and that was because he ran out of asses to kick.
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The number one cause of death in America is heart disease.  The number one cause of heart disease is fear of Jack Bauer.
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Richard Hellar came out of the closet not because he was gay but because Jack was in there.
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Jack Bauer attracts terrorists like his daughter attracts psychos and mountain lions.
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Whenever Jack Bauer's cars run out of gas, he simply does one of two things: either hotwires another person's car or points a gun at another person and takes it. Basically he is the Federal Agent equivalent of "Grand Theft Auto". 
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When Tony Montana said, 'Say Hello to my little friend,' he was talking about Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was able to give Jenna Jameson an orgasm.
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On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
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Jack Bauer pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall.
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In grade school, young Jack Bauer once shot a kid while going for the final remaining seat in "Musical Chairs".
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On Sunday mornings, Jack skips church.  God comes to his house instead.
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If Jack Bauer asks if you have a visual on the suspect, and your answer is "No"... you better hope CTU does something real fast.
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When Jack Bauer plays you in Tic-Tac-Toe, he is always X. He then beats you into a bloody pulp and draws three X’s across the middle of the board with your blood.
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Jack Bauer is the only person Tony Soprano would never dream of okaying a hit on.
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If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
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After Jack Bauer fucked Nina she had to take a leave of abscence. She told district that she was rammed by a truck and wasn't going to be able to walk right for a week.
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There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
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Jack Bauer won the World Wrestling Federation title before anyone had the chance to tell him it was scripted.
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Jack Bauer has one weakness. Kim's stupidity.
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When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies.