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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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When Jack Bauer went camping and told ghost stories, everybody there died.
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Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon".  Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to...

But statistics don't lie.
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If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see.  Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
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Congress is only in session when Jack Bauer is out of town, otherwise nothing would get done. People don't work well in fear.
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Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
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Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
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Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
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Jack Bauer ran into an elephant, then the elephant fell down.
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Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
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The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver  by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
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For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
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When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
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So far, Jack Bauer has said some variant of "Trust Me" 485,942 times during his televised adventures.
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"Have it your way" wasn't a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in.  Jack Bauer fucking hates tomatoes.
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Kobe Bryant will pass the ball when Jack Bauer tells him to.
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Satellites aren't in orbit. They're trying to get away from Jack Bauer but can't.
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Jack Bauer jumped in bed with a girl named Katrina… sorry New Orleans.
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Chase Edmunds, Curtis Manning, and Mike Doyle have all tried to become the next Jack Bauer. We all know what happened to them.
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Hilter killed himself only after he learned that Jack Bauer was coming after him.
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Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
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When Bush says that we will find weapons of mass destruction, you know he is lying. If Jack does not want to be found he wont be found. 
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The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
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1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
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There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
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Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick.  And won.
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No one brings Jack Bauer to justice.  If he goes in a car with authorities, it is because he wanted them to drive him to that location.
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Step-by-step on how to beat Jack Bauer:
1. Don't try.
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Running away from Jack Bauer is like trying to kill him. You're a fucking retard for even thinking of doing so.
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The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who can exceed a buddy list limit... without the help of Chloe.
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Jack Bauer joined Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs because thought the SEALs were too soft, with them playing on the beach all the time.
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Professional wrestler "Mr. Perfect" did not die due to a heart attack. He was killed when Jack Bauer found out someone was using his assumed alias as a stage name.
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When Jack Bauer was tortured by the terrorists in season two, he was humiliated. For his revenge, he tea bagged every terrorist to death.
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Jack Bauer knows the answer to "Who is Mike Jones?".
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Jack Bauer does not push the pedestrian walk sign button. He gets a "walk" signal by approaching the street.
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Cops give red lights tickets for getting in Jack Bauer's way.
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Jack Bauer's interpretation of the meaning of life is simple. End it.
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Guys wearing a t-shirt "I'm with stupid" suddenly realize that the hand is showing upwards when they're standing next to Jack Bauer.
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At last years Christmas party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived.
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The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
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When you go to hell, it's just a room with you and Jack.
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Everyone wants to be on Jack Bauer's team when he plays multiplayer Rainbow Six online.
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The Roman Empire fell because they saw into the future that one day a man known as "Jack Bauer" would be born. 
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You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, all women within 3 miles have orgasms. 
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Jack Bauer won a decathalon while only competing in 9 events.
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It's a simple arrangement in God's equation. Jesus Saves His children and Jack Bauer kills His mistakes.
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Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.
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Nathan Hale said, "I only regret that i have but one life to lose for my country." Fuck that, Jack Bauer is on his third.
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This year, the U.S. government is running a $400 Billion deficit.  A large contributing factor:  overage charges on Jack's cell phone.

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Jack Bauer teaches Flash Gordon how to manage his time better.
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When Jack Bauer had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.
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When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
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Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
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Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
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After beating up Walt during filming of Season 5, Jack said "Looks like Walt Cummings is now Walt Goings."

While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn't laugh.

The rest is history.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
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If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
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Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
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Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
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The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
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Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
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In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
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Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
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Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
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Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
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Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
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The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
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When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

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In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
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The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
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Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
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When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
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Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
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Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
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Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
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Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business & pleasure.
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Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
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Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
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Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
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Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
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Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
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Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
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When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
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Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
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When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
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The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
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Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
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We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't contemplate suicide, he just does it.  Every season.
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Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
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The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
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Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
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Now we know it's a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
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It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",  there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics.  And wins it.
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Eric Cartman respects Jack Bauer's AUTHORI-TAH.
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Don't challenge Jack Bauer in a eye starring contest, he has not yet blinked once in his life.
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The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
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In the time it takes you to read this, Jack Bauer would have already ended your life and moved on to your neighbors. 
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24 Producers wanted to include a Jack Bauer sex scene, but couldn't.  The reason?  Jack Bauer getting sexual satisfaction takes far longer than a 24 hour season.
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Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer doesn't use roundup to kill the weeds in his yard, he uses a gun.
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When Jack Bauer played Duck Hunt as a kid, he shot a hole through the TV.  With the Zapper.
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When Jack Bauer was 5 years old he got suspended from kindergarden, someone took his crayon and he yelled "Dammit" followed by "Son of a Bitch."
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Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
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Jack Bauer makes Navy Seals look like girly men.
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Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
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24 is not a show, it's a way of life.
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Tsunamis occur when Jack Bauer flushes his toilet.
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Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
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The original intro narrative for each episode of 24 ended with "My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a bad ass."