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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
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Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
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Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
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Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
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Jack Bauer doesn't fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
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Chloe got her "personality disorder" after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.  
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If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interuption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn't Pardon it.
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When Jack Bauer had a heart attack, he fought back by shooting his heart.
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Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one.
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Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
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Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
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David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
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Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
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Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. He knows that he never has problem he can't handle, regardless of druggings, bullet wounds, hostages and sleep deprivation.
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When Jack Bauer torrents, everyone seeds.
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Jack Bauer turns left on red.
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Jack Bauer is the reason snakes don't have legs.
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Jack Bauer has caused more suicides than extacy.
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Edgar styles once gave Jack Bauer the wrong coordinates.  Jack Bauer slapped him so hard he now has a lisp.  Edgar Styles never gives the wrong coordinates anymore.  
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Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
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Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.
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A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
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Jack Bauer waited for Godot once; then Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer knows entire value of 'pi'.
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If you killed Jack Bauer's friend and you've been shot, don't count on going to a hospital.
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After taking Levitra, Jack Bauer has 24 hour erections.  He kills terrorists instead of seeking immediate medical attention.
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Jack Bauer is the only man that make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
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If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
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If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has not killed you. Yet.
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Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.
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Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't die when he gets shot, he only gets pissed.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple a day does not keep Jack Bauer away, it gets you shot. Jack Bauer loves apples. Don't eat Jack Bauer's apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't do sequels because there is nothing he can't finish the first time.
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Jack Bauer doesnt like killing people. He loves it.
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Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
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Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
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Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.
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Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
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Jack Bauer went to Taco Bell and told them he wanted something more spicy.  The results led to the E. Coli outbreak of December 2006.
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Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh. 
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Jack Bauer's eardrums are made out of titanium.
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Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer's day off.
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After being tortured, castrated, and delimbed, Jack Bauer's only response was, "Dammit."
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Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
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Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
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If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas.  Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, h...
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God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God. 

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Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
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Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
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Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
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Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.
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Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
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Jack Bauer's flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
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Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
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24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned. 
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Jack's 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetary plots.  
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Jack Bauer did not get hit by a car. The car got hit by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's shadow has 8 kills.
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One time, Jack Bauer stubbed his toe, and subsequently destroyed the entire country of Saudi Arabia.
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Jack Bauer was kicked out of the army for shoving a towel down a colleagues throat after he dropped his soap by Jack's feet, and winked.
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Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer's name.
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If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
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Jack Bauer would eat Mike Tyson's children. 
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Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.
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When Jack Bauer shouts "Dammit!", the world momentarily stops turning.
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Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses because his eyes can steal men's souls.

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If you play poker with Jack Bauer, do not bluff. He will find out what you're holding.
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Donald Trump is Jack Bauer's apprentice.
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If Jack Bauer was black, his name would be Curtis.
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When Jack Bauer burps, he never says "excuse me." Jack Bauer has no time for excuses.
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You know that series of unfortunate events book series? Jack Bauer caused those.
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Heath Ledger wishes he could quit Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has never been seen using the restroom. It is rumoured that anyone who witnesses this Holy event, immediately engulfs in flames.
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If Jack Bauer had to choose between saving Tony Almeida or Audrey Raines he would choose Tony. Jack believes in 'bros before hoes'.
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Jack Bauer's Playboy comes with the articles already ripped out.
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Jack Bauer calls Chuck Norris Charlie.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer did not drop Habib Marwan to his death because Marwan cut his hand; Jack Bauer is immune to pain.  He dropped him because Marwan has sweaty hands.  Very, very sweaty hands.
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Jack Bauer has a another daughter called Rambo.
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Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn't even notice.
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Jack Bauer whispers to get you close enough to stab you in the neck.
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The only reason that Chuck Norris is not Jack Bauer's bitch is that Jack doesn't like to lie down on the job.
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes to McDonalds, he always asks for no pickles on his hamburger. One day, he was given pickles by a cashier. Jack calmly ate his hamburger and walked out of the resturaunt. The next day, the cashier was found hanged from a lamp ...
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Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
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Jack Bauer's tears can bring back the dead. Too bad he didn't gain this power until the end of the 3rd season.
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This bag is not a toy. It is a torture device used by Jack Bauer.
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If you wouldn't go gay for Jack then you are not straight.
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Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
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Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense.  In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs he will kill you that much faster.
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Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson's body.
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Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
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Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.

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Jack Bauer doesn't pay prostitutes. Prostitues pay Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can lock a key in it's drawer.
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When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
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Jack Bauer killed Bambi's mother. And then he ate her. Raw.
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Jack Bauer was almost infected with the AIDS virus.  Instead, he gave AIDS Ebola.
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During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer.  Naturally, he got an A+.
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Rudolph the red nosed reindeer… did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
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When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
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If God was one of us, He would be Jack Bauer.
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In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
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Jack Bauer can save money on his car insurance without calling Geico.
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Jack Bauer only seeks medical attention when his erections last fewer than four hours.
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After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, "Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
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Jack Bauer killed the person who claimed to be "The Man".  Jack Bauer then insisted that people who think they are sweet refer to themselves as "Jack Bauer".
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The FAA didn't put stronger locks on the cockpit doors, they just put a picture of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not use condoms. He does not need to. His sperm is so fast and strong they would simultaneously fertilize and destroy any egg.  
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Marines are often refered to as Alpha Company because they begin things. Jack Bauer is known as Omega Company because he ends them.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
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The "Burning Bush" was Jack Bauer telling Moses what to do.
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Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted.  Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
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Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper's last words were "The student has become the master". 
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Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men's heads explode.
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I have some good news, Geico just save hundreds by hiring Jack Bauer.
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7 may have ate 9, but once Jack Bauer got through threatening 7's kids and making him cry, numbers everywhere breathed easy again.
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Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
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When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run.  But you'll only die tired.
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Jack Bauer doesn't diffuse bombs. He calls it a "Son of a Bitch" and scares the bomb shitless.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
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If Jack Bauer was in the Garden of Eden, there would be no women -- not even God can get close enough to take Jack Bauer's rib.
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If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.
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Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health.  The fifth doctor couldn't be found for comment. 
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The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
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Jack Bauer is the reason the Homeland Security rating was lowered from red, back down to yellow. It would have been green, however it still is very dangerous being around Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland on TV, needless to say Jack Bauer is the world's greatest actor.
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For 24: The Game, (PS2) there will be three levels of difficulty; Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer.
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If a tree falls in the forest, it’s because Jack Bauer wants it down.
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Jack Bauer's morning wood is strong enough to support a building.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer didn't need braces. His teeth were too scared to step out of line.
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When Kim Bauer was a little girl, Jack Bauer did not sing her any lullabies. Jack Bauer choked her to sleep.
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Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
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Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
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Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&M's.
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Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
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Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
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Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation.  He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
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The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
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Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
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If Jack Bauer ever lived in Russia, the Mafia would either move to Antarctica, or never exist.
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Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
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Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
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Jack Bauer added his own face to Mount Rushmore.  Barehanded.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wait for the bus, the bus waits for Jack Bauer.
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Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.
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Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
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Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
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Since 2001, the year 24 premiered, terrorist deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
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If Jack Bauer has sex with you, you won't stand straight for a week.
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Jack Bauer's penis was the inspiration for the Washington Monument.
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You've heard of one man bands. Jack Bauer is a one man orchestra.
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Jack Bauer makes his own clothes out of the stomach lining of former terrorists.
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Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child.  He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
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Jack Bauer has neither a father nor a mother. He was constructed by the CIA as the result of the Ultimate Weapon project.  
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Jack Bauer can kill 17 people with a six-shooter without reloading.
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Driving your car over a cliff is not enough to compensate the fact that you betrayed Jack Bauer. Heller deserved worse.
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Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn't give him the information he wanted.
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The reason why Jack Bauer hasn't caught all of America's Most Wanted...he doesn't want to take away American jobs.
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You don't wanna say "Hello" to Jack Bauer's little friend.
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The only reason Audrey Reins sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
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Jack Bauer doesn't read the news... he beats it out of reporters.
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Jack Bauer didn't do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.
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For Jack Bauer, IKEA puts it together.
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Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
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If Jack Bauer told you Bush was doing a good job, you'd believe it.
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On the sixth day, God said "Let there be no Jack Bauer."  On the seventh day, God was tortured.
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When he retires, Jack Bauer will make a killing selling grills that torture the fat out of meat.
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Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
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Anytime, anywhere, anyone shoots someone in the thigh, they have to pay a royalty to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in humans. Sometimes he goes to the ocean to wash off the blood of his victims. Jack Bauer is also the leading cause of death in sharks.

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Jack Bauer became the first man to sucessfully shoot and kill someone in each of the 50 states.  84 times.
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Jack Bauer knows the Cadbury Secret, the Kernels Secret Recipe, and wether you're naughty or nice. 
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While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those men are still in jail today.
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Jack Bauer blinked once and President Palmer was assassinated, he won't make that mistake twice.

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When shocked, normal people say, "Jesus Christ", Jesus says, "Oh My God", God says, "For the love of Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer doesn't just think 'outside of the box'. He breaks out of it. And sometimes, he has to sneak into the box, just to break back out.
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In his college days at UCLA, Jack Bauer was the towel boy for the football team. There were no survivors.
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When Jack Bauer learned how much radiaton George Mason had been exposed to he shrugged and stated: "That's the amount I have for breakfast actually."
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In God we trust , but God trusts Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer crosses the street and cars don't stop, Jack Bauer doesn't get run down; the cars get stood up.
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Jack Bauer was the only person that voted for Palmer.
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The only true defense against Jack Bauer is a mirror.
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A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
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Jack Bauer's version of "making love" is not shooting you after he fucks you.
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The FBI and CIA both use the show "24" as their primary training videos. Our investigators are still trying to decern what was used before 2001.
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There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.  It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
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Jack Bauer's favorite Sportscenter anchor is Scott Van Pelt because his last name reminds him of what he likes to do to terrorists with bullets.
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Jack Bauer does not wash his clothes. Jack Bauer's clothes stay clean for fear of reprisals.
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Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
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Jack Bauer rewrote the dictionary and took out the words "cruel", "unusual", and "punishment".
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It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
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Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
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Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
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When Jack Bauer goes bowling, he uses a decapitated terrorist's head as a ball.
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On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
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Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
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Eve was created from Adam's rib. Adam was created from Jack Bauer's toenail.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use Icy Hot, he uses WD-40.
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Jack Bauer's mother once caught him with his hand in the cookie jar when he was a child, he wanted the cookie, so he shot her.
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Jack Bauer can get a homeless guy to say who he's working for.
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Jack Bauer once passed a kidney stone so large that he called it Edgar and put it to work at CTU.
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If Jack on Lost's last name was Bauer, he would've killed "The Others," the polar bear, and the monster, and he would've gotten everyone rescued.  However, the show would've lasted only one episode.
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Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off?  It's called "Black Hawk Down".
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to say goodbye when he hangs up. Everyone knows when he's finished talking.
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George Mason once called Jack Bauer a "stupid chump." Years later he died in a nuclear blast.  This is no coincidence.
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Jack Bauer's hotness is responsible for global warming.
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The islamic word for death is "shamalamahmohammadjihad."  The literal english translation of this is "Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper in expert mode with one click every time.
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One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
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Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
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Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
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Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
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The only time Jack Bauer was seen eating,  was when he was eating Chuck Norris' leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I've ever eaten.
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Jack Bauer can go back to the future without going 88 miles an hour.
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Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
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Once, a man told Jack Bauer he was better than him. Just kidding. No one is that stupid.   
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Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
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You don't play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
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When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
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Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
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As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
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The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security.  Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice. 
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When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
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Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
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Hardee's is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - "The Jack Bauer Burger" - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
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Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn't suffer from shrinkage.
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Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.
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If you are not wearing underwear at this moment, then you are "going Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer's vehicle has no less than 5 high-bandwidth military satellites following it at any time.  This enables him to stay updated on events at CTU in full-motion video.  Unfortunately, there were no more satellites available to keep track of Kim...
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Jack Bauer is the thing that goes "bump" in the night.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get older. He gets less young.
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Jack Bauer is directly responsible for the peaceful resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
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If Jack had been in Vietnam there would have been no need for napalm.
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Knives merely bend when they come into contact with Jack Bauer's skin, unless he allows himself to be stabbed, in order to do even more badass shit.
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When the tooth fairy looses a tooth, Jack Bauer leaves money under her pillow.
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At the end of season 3, Jack Bauer sticks the dangerous Cordilla Virus detonator into a school refrigerator. Most people think that this was to save the population from a widespread infection. The truth, however, is that Jack Bauer just wanted to mak...
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Jack Bauer does not attend anger-management classes but rather releases his anger by killing those who feel he should.
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Jack Bauer thinks life's a game. And games are best played in God Mode.
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Executing your boss, cutting off your partner's hand with an axe and torturing your girlfriend's husband are just some of the perks Jack loves about his job.
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Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple...
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After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsena...
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A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife's death.  By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
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Jack Bauer has once made a lie detector lie.  He then proceeded to torture it until it told the truth.
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Jack Bauer once took every drug known to man and then took a nap.
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24's Director no longer yells "Cut!" after scenes... it was just getting too bloody.
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Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.
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Jack and Dr. House are good friends.  As soon as Jack kills a man, House saves him so Jack can kill him again.
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Jack Bauer has never had to use the Backspace button on his computer.
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At the end of season 3, many believe Jack Bauer is crying tears of remorse because he shot Ryan Chappelle, murdering a friend.  The truth of the  matter is that Jack is crying tears of joy because he has just lived the American Dream, killing his bos...
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My girlfriend slipped while we were in bad and called me Jack.  It made me finish too early.  "Premature Jack Elation".   
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Jack Bauer cannot get drunk. His blood is stronger than everclear.
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Ron Artest thinks Jack Bauer is one crazy motherfucker.
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Jack Bauer hates the player. He loves the game.
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What most people call S and M Jack Bauer calls first base.
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How do black boxes survive plane crashes? Because Jack Bauer holds it in his lap.
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Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
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Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
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If Jack Bauer was a mortal human being, his name would be Tony Almeida.
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After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it. 

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One time Jack Bauer was asked to bring a known terrorist back to CTU for questioning. After being gone for three hours, Jack returned covered in blood and carrying a six foot party sub, which he then ate all by himself in a single sitting. 
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The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer's boss is being Jack Bauer's partner.
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Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
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James Bond has his Bond girls. Jack Bauer has his body count.
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Jack Bauer once agreed to appear on an episode of Prison Break.  It was all part of an elaborate ruse to help Ramon Salazar escape.

The setback delayed the series premiere two years... the inmates are still trying to figure out how he did it.
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When Jack Bauer goes to an all-inclusive resort, he goes to Afghanistan for "All you can kill terrorists." 
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His name's not Frank.
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Batman has Robin. Jack Bauer has Kim Bauer and gets out of shit anyway.
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Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
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After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
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Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to workout."
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Kim is half Jack Bauer, half human.  Enough said.
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You can run but you can't hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you then you can't do either.
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If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just gonna die tired.
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Jack Bauer's WWE Wrestling DVDs don't have the "Please don't try this at home" warning on them, because there's nothing WWE wrestlers can do that can possibly hurt Jack Bauer.
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MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her in on their show.  Jack Bauer shot the men instantly.  MTV has never tried to Raid Kim's room again.
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Jack Bauer can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to kill terrorists.
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Jack Bauer would win American Idol by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
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Jack Bauer can open child proof medicine with out lining up the tabs.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Scrabble without a single letter.
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Jack Bauer doesn't sing the Oscar Myer Wiener song, because he is no wiener and is already loved by everyone.
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Jack Bauer was once asked why he faked his own death, instead of making a stand against the Chinese.  Jack replied, "Because I can't fit 1.6 million bullets in my CTU vehicle."  He then tortured and shot the man to prove his point.
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The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.
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Ryan Seacrest is only allowed to live because Jack Bauer shares his network.
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You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have IRS withholdings taken out of his check.  The IRS has Bauer Refund withholdings taken out of their funds.
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Jack Bauer fakes orgasms, nothing excites him more than killing.
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Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
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There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
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Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Fact: Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time.  Draw your own conclusions.
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When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn't fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
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It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
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Jack Bauer didn't save money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. The gecko is now an endangered species.
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When Jack Bauer orders a pizza with toppings, he gets pepperoni and glass. 

He picks off the pepperoni.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lie.  He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
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Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.  
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If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
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When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

80% of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is disqualified from ever appearing on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" because he can answer all the questions without using a lifeline. Jack Bauer IS the lifeline.
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When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
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Jack Bauer can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
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Jack Bauer destroyed the rainforest to print out his autobiography.
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The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.  
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Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
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The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
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To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in." 
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Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
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Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
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Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
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The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
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At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
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When she was 5, Kim Bauer was stung by a bee.  Jack Bauer spent the next 24 hours tracking down the bee and infiltrating the hive.  After stuffing a towel down the throat of the perpetrator, he shot up the entire hive and murdered the queen.

This scene was later recreated during Season One of 24.  The bee was played by Dennis Hopper.
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A long time ago a man disrespected Jack Bauer; coincidentally, that man was found dead the next day with two bullets in his chest, his hand chopped off, and a towel lodged deep down his throat.  
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Jack Bauer wouldnt need a hydrolic press, he could kill a terminator with his bare hands.
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Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O'Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie "Kazaam" and think that O'Neal is Middle Eas...
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The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
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The real reason whales beach themselves? Jack Bauer occasionally goes swimming.
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If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again. 
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Jack Bauer likes to go bowling on the weekends.  By bowling I mean "Killing" and by on the weekends I mean "Anytime he feels like it."
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If Jack Bauer had been in "The Terminator", Arnold would have never been back.
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The real reason the Chappelle show went of the air is that Dave Chappelle saw what Jack Bauer did to Chappelle in season 3 of 24. Dave knew it was only a matter of time before Jack Bauer learned he was a Muslim, so went into hiding to save his ass. B...
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Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to "establish a perimeter", he is the perimeter.
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If you're being interrogated and you hear Jack say "hacksaw", say goodbye to your head.
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The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
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Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look close, through the dust, you'll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledge hammer.
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A black cat crossed Jack Bauer's path and was promptly hit by a car.
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If you ever need a country annihilated, call Jack Bauer and tell him that Kim was kidnapped and killed there.
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Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.
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Superman sees his reflection in kryptonite and sees he isn't Jack Bauer, hence the weakness.
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Jack Bauer got Ray Charles to see.
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If Jack Bauer was captured by cannibals, sushi would be on the menu.
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Jack Bauer once played the game where he had to guess which of three cups a ball was under.  The ball promptly surrendered before he could speak.
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When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
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Jack Bauer took a shit and named it Steven Seagal.
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Don't ever say "Bite me!" to Jack Bauer.  He'll do it.
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In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide. 
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In the Mortal Kombat preliminary rounds, Goro had 6 arms when fighting Jack Bauer.  He still does;  4 on his body and 2 in his ass.
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Jack Bauer was once sent onto the TV show Survivor.  Once the contest began, Bauer shot everybody he was competing against and instead of giving him the million dollars the producers tried to send him to jail.  However, Jack Bauer is no longer tried ...
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The day will soon arrive that Jack Bauer's icy stare can cause a human head to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can checkmate without moving his pawns.
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No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
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The only reason Bill Gates doesn’t crush Apple is because Jack Bauer owns stock in it.
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In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
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Jack Bauer may not be able to turn water into wine. He does, however, turn men gay.
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Give me liberty or give me Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was nicknamed 'Fear' because the only thing you need to fear is fear itself.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work for the Department of Defense, Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
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During a game of poker, a Mexican told Jack Bauer, "You're bluffing."  Jack gauged out the Mexican's eyes with a poker chip and shoved a Joker card up the guy's urethra.  And then revealed a royal flush.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need TiVo. Whatever he wants to watch is on TV anytime he turns it on.
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When YOU have the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack Bauer's watching.
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Jack Bauer didn't invent torture, he perfected it.
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Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can get the ketchup out of the old glass bottles.
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If Jack Bauer was killed, God would wake up in a cold sweat and realize he was just having a nightmare. 
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When playing Snakes and Ladders, Jack Bauer climbs the snakes and eats the ladders.
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Despite being an all-perfect being, Jack Bauer's vision is 24/24. The good Lord felt it was both ironic and cute.
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When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
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After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the sun, but around his gigantic balls.

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Jack Bauer. When you absolutely, positively need to kill every motherfucking terrorist in the city. Accept no subsitute.
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Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
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Jack bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
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