print results from the CPAN

Acme-24

When Jack Bauer found out that Chapelle was secretly watching CSI instead of 24, he shot him.
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Sprint cellphone sales skyrocketed after Jack Bauer showed people how to use them to blow up terrorists.
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Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
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In Season 2 when Jack is stripped down by the terrorists before torture, the camera caught a glimpse of his testicles. Unfortunately for viewers, scientists have yet to provide us with a storage medium of adequate capacity to archive Jack's immense b...
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When interrogating a suspect, they say everyone has a breaking point, for most it takes hours, maybe days to crack someone. Give Jack Bauer one bullet and it'll take 2 seconds, gun and hacksaw optional.
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Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
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Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
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The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
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When Kim brings new boyfriends to meet Jack, he doesn't shake hands with them. He introduces them to Chase.
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Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
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Mr. T does not pity Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer is no fool.
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Jack Bauer completes his missions in 24 hours because he hates going home with a messy desk.
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Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus.  Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
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What Jack Bauer whispered into Nina Myers' ear is so badass, your head would explode upon hearing or reading it. Nina merely went insane because it was whispered to her.
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Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer didn't ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy's head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
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The movie "Hostel" is about a hotel where people go to relax after being tortured by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead. 
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Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
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Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
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Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
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Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
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Jack Bauer doesn't fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
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Chloe got her "personality disorder" after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.  
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If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interuption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn't Pardon it.
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When Jack Bauer had a heart attack, he fought back by shooting his heart.
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Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one.
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Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
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Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They're in good hands.
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If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
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When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
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The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
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The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
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Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
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While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
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Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
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There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
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Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.
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The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
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Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass's death.  Sure, that's true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
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The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
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Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
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Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.  
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Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn't get AIDS.
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Jack Bauer thinks protocol means "To kill". Now it does. 
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In the Season 5 prequel on the Season 4 DVD, Jack Bauer has long, Jesus like hair. Coincidence? I think not.
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Jack Bauer can drink a beer and piss it simultaneously.
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7/11's are open 24 hours a day just in case Jack Bauer stops by for a microwave burrito.
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Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes viagra every day so he can walk.
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When Jack Bauer says jump, you don't have time to ask how high.
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Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term "Chinese Takeout".
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It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
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Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
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Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
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When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
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Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
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The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
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Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
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Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
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It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.
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When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
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Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
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The reason Edgar Stiles has such a bad lisp is because Jack Bauer socked him the face after saying Chuck Norris was cool.
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Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he's getting for Christmas.
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Jack Bauer never got picked last in kickball.
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Red Bull gives you wings. Jack Bauer didn't have time to drink it so he shot the bull and took its wings.
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Jack Bauer plays golf without golf clubs. He stands over the ball, stares at it, and scares it into the hole.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need an iPod. His ears play the song he wants to hear.
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For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive.  So he could kill her again.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
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Jack Bauer was the only one to redeem his frequent flyer miles from David Spade.
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Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
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Pandora actually opened Bauer's Box.
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Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.
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Jack Bauer wasn't able to shake Audrey Raines out of her catatonic state because he could relate to her. It was because he had a gun in his hand. If you give Jack Bauer a gun, he can do anything. 
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When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a tota...
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Losers always whine about their best... Jack Bauer goes home and fucks the prom queen.
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Jack Bauer took 'Hit me baby one more time' as an invitation. 9 months later, Britney had a baby.
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Earthquakes are a direct result of Jack Bauer taking a shit.
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There are a few phrases that Jack Bauer can utter to you that mean death.  They are "You have to trust me" and "You are the only one who can do this."  While death isn't instant, it is inevitable.
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Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
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Jack Bauer is better at killing terrorists than suicide bombers.
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Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
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Whenever your electricity goes off its not because there has been a power cut, its because Jack Bauer is torturing someone.
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Jack Bauer made duct tape for the common man.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Consenting to be Jack Bauer's partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
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James Bond commited suicide once he realized he had the same initials as Jack Bauer.  He took the easy way out.
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In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
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A country song about Jack Bauer would still kick ass.
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Jack Bauer played Bobby Fisher in chess and won by moving his rook diagonally.  After Jack insisted he plays by his own rules, Bobby Fisher knocked all the pieces off the board. They are still searching for Bobby Fisher...
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Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
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Jack Bauer has died, retired, quit, and gone into hiding so many times he has no idea how much money is in his 401k, but he doesn't care because he plans on taking yours.
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Jack Bauer went to Vegas and put his savings on Red 14. It stopped on double zero, but Jack still won.
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Tony the Tiger eats Jack Bauer flakes.
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Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
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In Mike Tyson's Punchout, if you beat Mike Tyson in under two minutes...you fight Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer pokes the Pillsbury Dough Boy, that punk doesn't get back up.
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When the stock market goes down, Jack Bauer still makes money.
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Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
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Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
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Wolverine stole the phrase, "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice," from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shook the hand of a gay black guy and cured AIDS.
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Jack Bauer got the world's highest Pac-Man score.  Unfortunately he couldn't enter his initials, it would have blown his cover. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes in for a checkup, his doctor always performs a reflex test.  The moment the doctor taps Jack's knee and his leg reflexively kicks up, somewhere in the world a terrorist feels like he's just been kicked in the groin.
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Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world.  He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
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Jack Bauer rolled a 13 playing craps in Vegas.
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In Season 3, Ramon Salazar said "Jack Bauer has more lives than a cat". Untrue. Cats only live once.
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If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played. 
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Jack Bauer let the dogs out.
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Geico just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never really learned how to fly a helicopter but it flew perfectly anyway. The helicopter was scared of what would happen if it didn't cooperate.
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Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Sylvester Stallone for custody of a Happy Meal.  Bauer then went on to garrote Ronald McDonald for being what he described as "a cheap vaudeville act".
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Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
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Wearing a bullet proof vest is like wearing a pink dress to Jack Bauer.  He simply needs to flex in order to stop bullets.
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Normal people have trouble killing two birds with one stone. Jack Bauer can kill thirteen birds simultaneously with a dull pencil.
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Jack Bauer has made his own newspaper that only prints insulting cartoons of the prophet Mohammed.  It is now the biggest selling publication in the Arab world.
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Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
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Vegas dealers dare not question Jack Bauer when he hits on &#x201C;21&#x201D; looking for a trey.  In fact, they better fucking well pay up when he gets it.
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In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.
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If the Great New York Blackout was on a Monday, 24 would've still been on at it's same time.
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The Secretary of Defense's son was straight before he met Jack Bauer.
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Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.
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Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
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Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
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Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
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The only time the terror alert level goes above "severe" is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
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While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over," have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
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Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public.  That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
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Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
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You're either with Jack Bauer or against him.  If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
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In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to "The Chosen One."
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If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
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Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."
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As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
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Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
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If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.
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If Jack Bauer had broken into Watergate, Nixon wouldn't have resigned.  As a fringe benefit, there would be no Democrats older than 50 alive today.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
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Jack Bauer won the US Fencing Championship using a sewing needle.
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Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
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Jack Bauer spoke at a "Scared Straight" seminar for juvenile delinquents.  All attendees requested to be transferred directly to jail at age 18. 
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While Jack Bauer does care about the Earth, he has to drive around in an SUV because it's the only thing with enough cargo room for all the bodies.
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When Jack Bauer uses heroine, it is the drug that gets high out of Jack, not the other way around.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
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Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.
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A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
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The lamp cord Jack Bauer used to torture Paul Raines wasn't plugged into an outlet. Jack Bauer generates his own fucking electricity.
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There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a "K" and ends with "ILL".
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Jack Bauer once shot his Ex-boss' wife in the knee cap just to prove her wrong when she said "You're not going to shoot me Jack."  Wait, this is a real fact.
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Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper".  It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.
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Jack Bauer knows what's in your wallet.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
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Jack Bauer has just shot you, but it was above the knee cap. You can still walk, so don't worry, you'll be just fine.
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Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shits standing up.
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"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
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As a child, Jack Bauer once ordered a "Happy Meal," but demanded his money back, as it did not make him happy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
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Jack Bauer was approached to be a talk show host, but the deal fell through when he tortured each guest on the pilot episode. He wasn't happy with the answers he was getting, and insisted that he needed to know their 'primary objective'
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn't say he's going to jerkoff, he say's "it's time to punish my genitals".
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The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
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Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
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Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
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Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
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In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
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As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in  the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, "that's no glitch."
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Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are:  Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
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When Jack Bauer says, "I think he broke a couple of ribs," it roughly translates to, "Hmmm, that kind of stung."
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Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
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The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that's only because he didn't get to torture her beforehand.
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Jack Bauer doesn't swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn't be fair to them.
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Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death.  Death is afraid of Jack.
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Jack Bauer refused the Godfathers offer.
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The thought of Jack Bauer gives Sub-Zero the chills.
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Jack Bauer can make the Juggernaut his bitch.
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Jack Bauer doesn't clean, dust is afraid of his belongings.
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One time Jack Bauer coughed, destroying three small developed countries, and knocking down the Berlin wall.
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When the military gave President Kennedy a 21 gun salute at his funeral, Jack Bauer returned fire.
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When Jack Bauer deals blackjack, he doesn't have to stand on 17.
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When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
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If you're comtemplating suicide, instead of shooting yourself, fuck with Tony Almaeda and let Jack Bauer solve your problems.
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When Jack Bauer eats at Hooters, he takes his waitress home - for dessert.
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When 24: The Game is released, thousands of terrorists will buy it just to learn Jack Bauer's weaknesses. Fortunately for Jack, he is always invincible. They wanted to make the game life-like.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
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Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
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One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
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Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
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Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
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When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
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On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won't believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of...
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Sudoku puzzles solve themselves when they see Jack Bauer coming.
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Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
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When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
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Kim must have been adopted.  That's the only explanation.
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Jack Bauer's clothes dry in the washing machine.
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If the Vietkong caught Jack Bauer, they would still be torturing him by now. And he would still be smiling.
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Jack Bauer tried to play dogeball once, but ended up shooting each of his opponents nine times in the chest with what he considered to be, "a defensive manuever."
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The people at Konami refer "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" as 'Jack Bauer mode'.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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When Jack Bauer gets cold he takes more clothes off.
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When Jack Bauer was finished interrogating Chuck Norris, Chuck was pregnant.
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Jack Bauer could hit 73 homeruns without using steroids, and he'd do it in 24 hours.
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All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was the only cast member of 24 who didn't get invited to Sony's 24: The Game premier party.  Sony was afraid their insurance would not be able to cover the deaths of all the other game players.
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Jack Bauer is Macguyver's wet dream.
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Jack Bauer made the sun change direction because it was in his eyes.

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Jack Bauer speaks 37 languages simultaneously.
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The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
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The proverb "Do unto others..." does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
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When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear the sound, Jack Bauer hears it.
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The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they'll get Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".


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Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 
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The author of A Million Little Pieces's was ironicly found in a million little peices last week. Jack Bauer hates liars.
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When Darth Vader memorably uttered, "Impressive, Most Impressive", he was referring to Jack Bauer on the other side of the Galaxy.
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The Jack Bauer Severe Incapacitating Chest Punch is illegal in 27 states.
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Jack Bauer uses pepper spray to re-wet his eyes and get the red out.
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Jack Bauer is uncircumcised.  Baby Jack stabbed the doctor in the neck for daring to come near his penis.
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Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs dont make noise in his pocket.
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When your mother dies, you will find a sealed envelope hidden in her dresser. Enclosed within will be a letter that tells you that Jack Bauer is, in fact, your father.
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When Jack Bauer takes a "shot in the dark", at least 2 women get knocked up.
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Only Jack Bauer can have his picture taken, and take the picture... at the same time.
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If you tell Jack Bauer you have good news, he will kill you.  Jack Bauer don't need no fucking car insurance.
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80% of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is disqualified from ever appearing on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" because he can answer all the questions without using a lifeline. Jack Bauer IS the lifeline.
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When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
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Jack Bauer can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
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Jack Bauer destroyed the rainforest to print out his autobiography.
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The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.  
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Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
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The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
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To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in." 
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Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
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Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
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Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
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The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
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At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
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When she was 5, Kim Bauer was stung by a bee.  Jack Bauer spent the next 24 hours tracking down the bee and infiltrating the hive.  After stuffing a towel down the throat of the perpetrator, he shot up the entire hive and murdered the queen.

This scene was later recreated during Season One of 24.  The bee was played by Dennis Hopper.
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A long time ago a man disrespected Jack Bauer; coincidentally, that man was found dead the next day with two bullets in his chest, his hand chopped off, and a towel lodged deep down his throat.  
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Jack Bauer wouldnt need a hydrolic press, he could kill a terminator with his bare hands.
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Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O'Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie "Kazaam" and think that O'Neal is Middle Eas...
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The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
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The real reason whales beach themselves? Jack Bauer occasionally goes swimming.
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If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again. 
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Jack Bauer likes to go bowling on the weekends.  By bowling I mean "Killing" and by on the weekends I mean "Anytime he feels like it."
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If Jack Bauer had been in "The Terminator", Arnold would have never been back.
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The real reason the Chappelle show went of the air is that Dave Chappelle saw what Jack Bauer did to Chappelle in season 3 of 24. Dave knew it was only a matter of time before Jack Bauer learned he was a Muslim, so went into hiding to save his ass. B...
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Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to "establish a perimeter", he is the perimeter.
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If you're being interrogated and you hear Jack say "hacksaw", say goodbye to your head.
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The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
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Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look close, through the dust, you'll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledge hammer.
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A black cat crossed Jack Bauer's path and was promptly hit by a car.
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If you ever need a country annihilated, call Jack Bauer and tell him that Kim was kidnapped and killed there.
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Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.
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Superman sees his reflection in kryptonite and sees he isn't Jack Bauer, hence the weakness.
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Jack Bauer got Ray Charles to see.
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If Jack Bauer was captured by cannibals, sushi would be on the menu.
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Jack Bauer once played the game where he had to guess which of three cups a ball was under.  The ball promptly surrendered before he could speak.
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When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
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Jack Bauer took a shit and named it Steven Seagal.
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Don't ever say "Bite me!" to Jack Bauer.  He'll do it.
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In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

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In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
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The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
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Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
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When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
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Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
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Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
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Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
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Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business &amp; pleasure.
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Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
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Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
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Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
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Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
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Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
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Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
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When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
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Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
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When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
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The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
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Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
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We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't contemplate suicide, he just does it.  Every season.
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Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
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The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
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Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
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Now we know it's a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
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It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",  there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics.  And wins it.
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Eric Cartman respects Jack Bauer's AUTHORI-TAH.
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Don't challenge Jack Bauer in a eye starring contest, he has not yet blinked once in his life.
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The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
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In the time it takes you to read this, Jack Bauer would have already ended your life and moved on to your neighbors. 
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24 Producers wanted to include a Jack Bauer sex scene, but couldn't.  The reason?  Jack Bauer getting sexual satisfaction takes far longer than a 24 hour season.
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Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer doesn't use roundup to kill the weeds in his yard, he uses a gun.
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When Jack Bauer played Duck Hunt as a kid, he shot a hole through the TV.  With the Zapper.
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When Jack Bauer was 5 years old he got suspended from kindergarden, someone took his crayon and he yelled "Dammit" followed by "Son of a Bitch."
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Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
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Jack Bauer makes Navy Seals look like girly men.
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Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
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24 is not a show, it's a way of life.
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Tsunamis occur when Jack Bauer flushes his toilet.
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Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
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The original intro narrative for each episode of 24 ended with "My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a bad ass."
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Jack Bauer does not wash his hands when he pees. Jack Bauer knows better than to pee on his hands.
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When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
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In season 2, Jack told Kim to shoot Gary in the chest. He still hasn't forgiven himself for not being there to see her first kill.
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ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
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When Jack Bauer was a contestant on "The Apprentice", he fired Donald Trump from his own show.
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If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
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Obi-Wan Kenobi once hacked off three of Jack Bauer's limbs, and left him to burn in a pool of lava. Jack Bauer's limbs and skin regenerated within the hour.
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Jack Bauer was once asked if he was a homosexual. Once.
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Jack Bauer could lead the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl.
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When Jack Bauer says "DAMN IT," God actually damns someone.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of chess against Bobby Fischer.  In one move.
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876 students got perfect scores on their SAT. Also, there are exactly 876 people in the country named Jack Bauer. Coincidence or not? You decide. 
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Jack Bauer can make a man-purse look cool.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer thinks it's cute when David Banner says &#x201C;You wouldn&#x2019;t like me when I&#x2019;m angry&#x201D;. You wouldn&#x2019;t have the opportunity to not like Jack Bauer when he is angry, you'd be dead.
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Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.
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Jack Bauer won two awards on Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild awards. One for best actor in a drama series, and another for baddest motherfucker on earth.
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They say guns are illegal to just carry on the street. Jack Bauer's left and right arm tend to disagree.
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Jack Bauer is the President's easy button.
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24 would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
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If Jack Bauer had a time machine, Teri still would have died because he would have saw how much more badass he's become since her death.
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Jack Bauer takes Cialis to keep his dick down.
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"Yeah" means "hello", "goodbye", "what's going on?", and "haha" in Jack's vocabulary.
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The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20%.
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If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you're fucked.
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It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
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If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
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"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
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Jack Bauer doesn't get crabs.  He gets lobsters.
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The only reason Jack Bauer hasn't killed President Logan is because the terrorists have nerve gas.
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Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
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Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
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Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
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If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
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If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
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When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
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How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?

First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
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Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
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Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
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Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
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By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
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If you're playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don't buy the AWP.  All you're doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
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Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
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Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
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For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy's menu costs a dollar.
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Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
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Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
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When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
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Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vaca...
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Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
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When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
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The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
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Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
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Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says "here are my weapons". If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag. 
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When Jack Bauer plays Texas Hold-em he only gets one card, "to keep it fair". 
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Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way".
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Paul saved Jack Bauer's life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
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Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
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The TV Series "The Shield" was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be included in Counterstrike, but was left out because no one wanted to be a terrorist.
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The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked. 
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Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
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On Valentines Day, Jack Bauer likes to watch "Saw" with his girlfriend.  When asked why, he said he finds it "soothing and sweet." 
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Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet. 
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Jack bauer doesn't eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
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When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
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Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
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God created the universe in 6 days.  That&#x2019;s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
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Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
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Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you.  Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
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Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
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The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
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Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
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Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
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Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
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You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
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A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
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Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
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The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
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In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
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Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
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...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
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Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
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Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
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There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
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President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
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If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
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You cannot stop Jack Bauer, you can only hope to contain him.  Wait you can't even contain him, maybe you can hope to slow him down. Ah hell, you can't stop, contain or slow down Jack Bauer.
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It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
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Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
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Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
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Audrey couldn't handle the size of Jack's penis, which is why she used Paul's death as an excuse to break up with him.
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When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
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To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
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On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building.  This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart.  Where does Bauer get velociraptors?  A...
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When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
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For Valentine&#x2019;s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
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Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
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When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
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Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings' eye for fun.
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Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm rou...
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In addition to their VISION plan, Sprint plans to offer the CTU package, which includes color schematics, 24 volume bars (volume levels 1-23 and CHOPPER), and a self-destruct mode.
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Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
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When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention.  When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.
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Jack Bauer is going to take down the President of the United States.
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Jack Bauer could silence Simon Cowell.
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Jack Bauer has received a grand total of $1.3 million from the tooth fairy.
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Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener, he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
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When women are asked what they see in Jack, they respond "24".  They're not talking about the show, either.
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Sleeping with Jack Bauer has been listed as an STD by the CDC.  The risks include death and death to those closest to you.
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If you find out Jack Bauer is after you, do everything you can to enjoy your last 24 hours.
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Jack Bauer takes nude photos of all the women he has sex with. He keeps the best ones for himself and sells the others to Playboy.
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Jack Bauer won his third grade spelling bee.  He spelt whatever the hell he wanted.
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Jack Bauer could fill a pool with the blood of those he's killed, unfortunately I don't think he could fit the Pacific Ocean in his backyard.
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On Halloween, a child stopped at Jack Bauers house dressed in a terrorist costume. Jack killed him with a piece of candy corn before he noticed the difference.
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Before Jack Bauer went to Vegas, the slot machine was known as the "two-armed bandit".
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Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella.  Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer uses Binford 6100 Power tools.
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Jack Bauer has a 5 o clock shadow at 5am.
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In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
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The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
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In grade school, Jack Bauer's teachers gave him apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. 
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Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
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Jack Bauer's nickname is "Taco Bell" because he makes terrorists run for the border.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need "Tivo", televisions skip commercials for him regardless.
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The reason it's so easy for terrorits to infiltrate CTU? Jack Bauer loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
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Jack Bauer located the other side of a mobius strip.
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Jack Bauer demanded to see the stars, so the clouds moved out of the way.
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If your power goes out, it's because Jack Bauer took it.

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