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Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
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In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer.  He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half.  One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer.  The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as "The Big Bang...

Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
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The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their school yard game. Fuck Superman.

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Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o'clock shadow and receding hairline.

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It's a little known fact that a book was written loosely based on the life of Jack Bauer. That book was the Bible. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a gun to kill terrorists, guns just want in on the action.
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Jack Bauer can beat Contra on NES without entering the cheat code.
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Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer didn't need braces. His teeth were too scared to step out of line.
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When Kim Bauer was a little girl, Jack Bauer did not sing her any lullabies. Jack Bauer choked her to sleep.
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Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
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Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
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Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&M's.
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Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
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Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
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Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation.  He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
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The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
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Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
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If Jack Bauer ever lived in Russia, the Mafia would either move to Antarctica, or never exist.
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Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
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Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
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Jack Bauer added his own face to Mount Rushmore.  Barehanded.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wait for the bus, the bus waits for Jack Bauer.
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Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.
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Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
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Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
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Since 2001, the year 24 premiered, terrorist deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
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If Jack Bauer has sex with you, you won't stand straight for a week.
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Jack Bauer's penis was the inspiration for the Washington Monument.
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You've heard of one man bands. Jack Bauer is a one man orchestra.
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Jack Bauer makes his own clothes out of the stomach lining of former terrorists.
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Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child.  He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
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Jack Bauer has neither a father nor a mother. He was constructed by the CIA as the result of the Ultimate Weapon project.  
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Jack Bauer can kill 17 people with a six-shooter without reloading.
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Driving your car over a cliff is not enough to compensate the fact that you betrayed Jack Bauer. Heller deserved worse.
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Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn't give him the information he wanted.
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The reason why Jack Bauer hasn't caught all of America's Most Wanted...he doesn't want to take away American jobs.
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You don't wanna say "Hello" to Jack Bauer's little friend.
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The only reason Audrey Reins sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
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Jack Bauer doesn't read the news... he beats it out of reporters.
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Jack Bauer didn't do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.
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For Jack Bauer, IKEA puts it together.
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Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
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If Jack Bauer told you Bush was doing a good job, you'd believe it.
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On the sixth day, God said "Let there be no Jack Bauer."  On the seventh day, God was tortured.
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When he retires, Jack Bauer will make a killing selling grills that torture the fat out of meat.
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Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
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Anytime, anywhere, anyone shoots someone in the thigh, they have to pay a royalty to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in humans. Sometimes he goes to the ocean to wash off the blood of his victims. Jack Bauer is also the leading cause of death in sharks.

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Jack Bauer became the first man to sucessfully shoot and kill someone in each of the 50 states.  84 times.
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Jack Bauer knows the Cadbury Secret, the Kernels Secret Recipe, and wether you're naughty or nice. 
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While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those men are still in jail today.
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Jack Bauer blinked once and President Palmer was assassinated, he won't make that mistake twice.

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When shocked, normal people say, "Jesus Christ", Jesus says, "Oh My God", God says, "For the love of Jack Bauer".