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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
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I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
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Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
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In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.  
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Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
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Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs.  The old SATs.
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Most people sleep with both eyes closed.  Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open.  As for Jack Bauer... he doesn't sleep at all.  Sleep is for the weak.
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Executions by lethal injection are carried out using Jack Bauer's semen.
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In space no one can hear you scream, no one except Jack Bauer.
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Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
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Jack Bauer has never lost The Game. Jack Bauer invented The Game
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Jack Bauer knows why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.
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Jack Bauer's favorite air freshener scent is "vanilla napalm".
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Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
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Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
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On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko. 
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When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
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Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
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Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
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At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
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Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
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If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
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Jack Bauer actually found two identical snowflakes.
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Jack Bauer's swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle.
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The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
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Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
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Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
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The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
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When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
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Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
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When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
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When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
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Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
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Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
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At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.
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Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
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Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
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What is the sound of one hand clapping? The *smack* of Jack Bauer's open hand across the face of some hysterical woman in the middle of a crisis.
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The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill. 
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Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
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Freddy and Jason disappointed millions of fans when their fight ended up in a tie. Little do these fans know, the winner was supposed to face Jack Bauer.
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Paul Raines didn't die from his injuries.  He died of pure amazement when he saw the one and only Jack Bauer trying  resuscitate him.
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Jesus once turned water into wine.  Jack Bauer beat him to the brink of death for threatening the world's water supply and then demanded to know who he was working for.
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The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
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Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
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Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.
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Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
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Jack Bauer's daughter is very hot.
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When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way.  The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
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Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
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Jack Bauer is responsible for continental drift.
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Jack Bauer's electrical appliances work in European outlets.
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When Jack Bauer eats Alphabet Soup, he shits out the names of the terrorists that he will kill that day.
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Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
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Jack Bauer once made a mute surrender sensitive information.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work in the interest of national security, the nation is interested in securing it self on Jack's good side.
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Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.
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Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
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The film The Rock is loosely based on events from Jack Bauer's summer vacation.
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Jack Bauer only has one line to say to a woman after spending the night, "There's no time, I have to go."