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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer shouts "Dammit!", the world momentarily stops turning.
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Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses because his eyes can steal men's souls.

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If you play poker with Jack Bauer, do not bluff. He will find out what you're holding.
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Donald Trump is Jack Bauer's apprentice.
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If Jack Bauer was black, his name would be Curtis.
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When Jack Bauer burps, he never says "excuse me." Jack Bauer has no time for excuses.
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You know that series of unfortunate events book series? Jack Bauer caused those.
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Heath Ledger wishes he could quit Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has never been seen using the restroom. It is rumoured that anyone who witnesses this Holy event, immediately engulfs in flames.
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If Jack Bauer had to choose between saving Tony Almeida or Audrey Raines he would choose Tony. Jack believes in 'bros before hoes'.
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Jack Bauer's Playboy comes with the articles already ripped out.
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Jack Bauer calls Chuck Norris Charlie.
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Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a blowjob.
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Jack Bauer once showed me a video of him having sex with my wife.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
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Jack Bauer pisses in the wind.
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Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
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Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.
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One day, Jack Bauer was seen walking around L.A. with a gigantic green heart in his hand.  When asked whoose it was, Jack replied, "His name was Incredible Hulk...something."
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Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
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If Jack Bauer says "Shit," you say "What shape Agent Bauer?"
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Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he's sober again in six minutes.

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What do you call Jack Bauer with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake? Extremely dangerous.
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Jack Bauer is the American dream.  That is to say when America sleeps it dreams of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
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There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
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Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.
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If Jack Bauer had a nickel for every time he killed a terrorist, he would own the U.S.
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Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner.  He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to sleep.  He punches people unconscious and they sleep for him.
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The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."
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If anyone haunts Satan's dreams, its Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has the schematics of heaven on his PDA.
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The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer. 
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If Jack Bauer says 'This is not the right play', it's not the right play.
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Jack Bauer was able to find me a XBOX 360.
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When Martin Luther King had a dream, that dream was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once went to a religious retreat in high school, where, by the end of the weekend, everyone was singing, "Jack Bauer in the highest."
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Jack Bauer can do long division in his head.
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When Jack Bauer goes on "It's A Small World After All" at Disney, he gets extremely angry during the Bosnian, Turk, Mexican, Russian, Chinese, French and Arab sections, but otherwise enjoys the ride.
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When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
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Jack Bauer never wet his pants, he wet other kids pants to let them know when they were scared.
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During the childhood game "Duck, Duck, Goose", no one "goosed" Jack Bauer.  Ever.
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In 1996, Lance Armstrong got in a fight with Jack Bauer. Since then, Lance has only had one testicle...
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Jack Bauer was never taught to use his "indoor voice".
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Upon finding David Palmer's dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as "the Unit" and moved him to another network.  
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Mulder and Scully left the X-Files too soon. They would've realized that the truth is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not drive fast, his car is just always trying to get away.
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Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes.  Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
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Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
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Jack Bauer really did kill Victor Drazin the first time, but he brought him back to life so he could do it again.
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When Kennedy promised we would reach the moon, it was because he learned Jack Bauer had been born than morning.
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When asked why, he always answers, "because I'm Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer won in Tic-Tac-Toe in two moves.
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Jack Bauer once tried to become a surgeon, but he kept jamming the surgical scissors into the patients necks.
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An electromagnet didn't cause the plane to crash. Jack Bauer was in the luggage compartment and the pilot wouldn't listen to him.
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Jack Bauer is the reason men turn gay.
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Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
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Jack Bauer uses those he has killed as tax write offs.
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CTU was blown up in the second season of "24", but luckily, Jack Bauer was there to fix it simply by applying a piece of gum that he'd been chewing on.
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Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.
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Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school.  When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found.  Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents.
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When Jack Bauer is connected to a series of events that involves foreigners, they have to speak english even in their own homes. They have no choice, that is the way of things.
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American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
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Jack Bauer found his parents having sex, and tortured his father to learn of his primary objective.
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Jack Bauer eats Hotpockets as soon as they're done.
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In America, Jack Bauer kills you.

In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer kills you.
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When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
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Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton's tree.
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Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night. 

He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu.  Because he's hungry.
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On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he'll have made it forget him.
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Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
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When in the presense of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
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Jack Bauer didn't need to go back to the future to fix his mistakes. Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes.
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If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
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Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
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The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
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Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
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Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
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CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
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The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
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Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
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When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
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There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
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After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
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Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
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Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
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Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
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Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
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Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
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If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
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Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
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Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
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Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
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Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
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Jack Bauer sank your battleship.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
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New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn’t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer's sperm is expected to surpass breast cancer as a "leading killer of women" this year.
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Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
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Jack Bauer's penis is actually a Verizon Wireless cell phone tower, so it's perfectly logical that he gets service 30,000 feet in the air inside the hull of a jet.
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Jack Bauer can beat you in a thumb wrestling match without ever touching you.
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If Jack Bauer were to screw hot babes (ex. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston, and Paris Hilton.) I can assure you that that their acting careers will no longer prosper due to the fact that they will spend the rest of t...
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Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
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Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
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To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindler’s actual list on fire.
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70% of the Earth is covered by land.  The other 30% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer could hijack a plane with a rubber ducky.
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It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
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Jack Bauer was in Al Capone's vault (he got out).
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It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
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On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
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There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
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The Sistine Chapel was the result of Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris having a food fight.
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Jack Bauer's gun was specifically made for him. If Chase or Tony ever fired it, the sheer power of it would cause their arm to rip off. That's why it's so loud, and also why every agent other than Jack gets injured.
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Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
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When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
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Jack Bauer cries when he watches "The Patriot."  Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
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The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer".  No matter who you are.
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What should you tell a terrorist that's been shot three times?  Nothing.  Jack Bauer already is about to ask him his first question.
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Jack Bauer’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Jack.”
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
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Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don't expect him to use it.
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Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
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Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
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Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat.  Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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The combination of Jack Bauer's yelling and David Palmer's soothing words can put any animal into heat.  
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Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
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Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
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People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
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Jack Bauer drinks Bacardi 151. As a mixer.
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Jack Bauer's the kind of guy who will swat a fly with a sledgehammer in a glass house, if he thinks the fly needs to be swatted. 
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When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer circumcised himself after he began suspecting his foreskin was hiding something from him.
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Jack Bauer can pilot a plane better from the luggage compartment than Corey Lidle can from the cockpit.
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When Jack Bauer flushes the toilet, it goes clock-wise, no matter what hemisphere he is in.  
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When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.
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Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
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My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer won't let you stop reading these.
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Jack Bauer can turn back time by flying around the Earth like Superman, but doesn't because it's too easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't re-wear clothing. It's too hard to get the bloodstains out.
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Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
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Jack Bauer doesn't think the Amazing Race is so amazing. He done that 4 times already.  In 24 hours.
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If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer you're probebly staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
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Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
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Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."
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In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests. 
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Jack Bauer can burn ants with a magnifying glass at night.
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If you stand in your bathroom with the lights off and say "Jack Bauer" seven times, he appears and kills you.
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If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
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To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
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Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
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When Jack Bauer says "Screw it," your reply is, "What position, sir?".

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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The song 'Stairway To Heaven' is a song about Jack Bauer and his Victims. 

Recently it has been changed to 'Escalator to heaven'.
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Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
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Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
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The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
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Remember Pogs?  Yeah, Jack Bauer doesn't because he never had faggot toys like that.
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The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.
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If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
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Few people know this, but the Geneva Conventions pertain only to "any and all people who are not Jack Bauer."
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When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.
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Jack Bauer does not bleed, he's donating it for research.
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Jack Bauer does not use a keycard, the doors open in sheer terror.
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Jack Bauer drinks lighter fluid and pisses fire.
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Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
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Radioactive fallout won't mutate Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer mutates the radiation.
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Jack Bauer's Sig reloads it's self because it's scared of him.
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Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer's mouth were "son of a bitch."
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Jack Bauer would have died for our sins, but Jack doesn't die for pussies.
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If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't perspire, the water in his body simply expires.
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Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
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When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
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Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
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The pain chart at the hospital reads ”0” for no pain - “10” being interrogated by Jack Bauer.

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In the game of Euchre there are 24 cards.  The most powerful card? That would be the Bower (pronounced Bauer)... a Jack, of course.  
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When Jack Bauer calls Time Warner Cable he puts them on hold.
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When Jack Bauer pops a pringles can open, he can stop the fun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need music in his iPod commercials. Either you buy it, or else.
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Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
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One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents’ authority.  He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
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24 was moved to Monday because Jack Bauer doesn't wait on anyone to start killing people.
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Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
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Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it's life.
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If you are fortunate enough to be impregnated by Jack Bauer, be careful: when the baby kicks, you are likely to be pushed across the room.
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When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
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It's Jack Bauer's world, and we just live in it. Until we meet Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always answers the phone with "Yeah!".  Only pussies say "hello".
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris got into a fight, Chuck Norris would knock himself out so that Jack wouldn't touch him.
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When Jack Bauer whispers into Lil Jon's ear, Lil Jon no longer has a hearing problem.
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Jack Bauer recently sued Warner Brothers, claiming the legal name for his penis is "The Iron Giant".
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If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
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If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
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If God and Jack Bauer were to fight, it would be God that was in a Flank-2 position.
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Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to defeat a terrorist plot. This event was never aired because the entire test audience developed post traumatic stress disorder.
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires. The thing is, he doesn't bother. 
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Jack Bauer has to throw his clothes out at the end of the day, anything he wears for longer gets too attached to him.
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The real reason the U.S. Government sold the shipping operations to Dubai Ports was to give Jack Bauer a fresh, readily-accessible supply of terrorists to kill.
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Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
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When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
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Jack Bauer's balls are visible from space.
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Jack Bauer won the slam dunk contest without jumping.
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To prevent a September 11th-esque attack, large buildings are now draping large banners depicting Jack Bauer fucking up terrorists over their sides.
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When Jack shot Victor Drazen 8 times, it wasn't because he was pissed, it was because he wanted to see how many shots he could get off before Victor hit the water.
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Michelle once cheated on Tony with Jack, when Tony found out he went over to Michelle and gave her a pat on the ass.
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Jack Bauer is allowed to take the tags off of mattresses.  
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If you want to get shot in the thigh, tell Jack "I don't know," when he asks you a question.
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"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is tattoed on the inside of Jack's eyelids.
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Jack Bauer tortured the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World in order to learn it's primary objective.
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One time, Jack Bauer ran out of minutes on his cell phone. That was the day of the Northridge earthquake.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
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Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
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Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
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If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
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Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
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Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
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Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
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If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
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The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
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Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
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The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song "Raining Blood" about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
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Someone told Jack Bauer to "kill the lights." I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
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Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
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Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
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When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
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Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
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When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
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In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
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Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
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When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
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People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there’s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
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Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
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At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
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There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
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They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
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People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
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Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
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It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
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The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
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The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
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Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
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Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
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Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
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We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
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Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
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My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
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Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
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Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
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You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
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Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

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Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
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Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
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In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
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The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
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Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
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GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
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When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
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Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
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The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
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Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
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So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
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Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
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In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
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When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
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The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
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Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
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If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
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When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer beats Koreans in Starcraft.
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When Jack Bauer shoots his load, his wife has to wear a kevlar vest.  
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Kim is an Ashlee Simpson fan.  It's the only reason she is on the radio.
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Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking. 
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Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
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Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
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Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
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What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
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Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
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The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
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How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.
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It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse. 
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You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
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Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
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If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
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Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
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Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
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The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
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Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
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In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
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Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
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Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
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Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
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Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
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The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
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When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

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In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
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The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
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Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
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When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
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Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
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Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
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Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
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Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business & pleasure.
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Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
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Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
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Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
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Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
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Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
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Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
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When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
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Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
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When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
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The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
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Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
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We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't contemplate suicide, he just does it.  Every season.
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Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
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The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
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Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
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Now we know it's a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
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It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",  there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Towels run in fear of being shoved down people's throats when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer has banged more moms than the MILF Hunter.
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When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
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God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
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Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
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The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
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Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
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The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
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When Jack Bauer has the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack’s watching.
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David Hasselhoff once tried to rescue Jack Bauer. He didn’t survive.
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked.
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When Jack Bauer's wife's paternity test revealed that he wasn't the father, he tortured his own son until he revealed who it was.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't pray with Logan.
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Jack Bauer knows what Arabs really have under their turbans.
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If Jack thought twice about killing you then you're already dead.
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Jack Bauer remembers the Alamo.
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In the evil, Mirror Mirror universe, Jack Bauer is exactly the same. He beats the shit out of everybody. The only difference is that he has a beard. 
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When God needed some ideas for the Ten Plagues, he went to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer throws away the pin instead of the grenade for fun.
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You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
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Jack Bauer does not need a space suit, he just holds his breath.
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In Batman shows from the 60s, the captions during fights used to read "Bauered!!!", "son of a bitched!!!", and "damn it!!!".  These captions were later replaced with "wam" "pow" and "sok!!", because Jack Bauer's adventures were not televised until 20...
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Jack Bauer can drink a gallon of milk in under an hour and not throw up.
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Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
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Jack Bauer doesn't put the toilet seat down.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to slap the bottom of the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup to come out.
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Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
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Jack Bauer can barbecue in airplane lavatories.
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We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
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Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, Arabs offer their turbans as handkerchiefs.
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While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
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After Pope John Paul II died, God asked Jack Bauer to succeed him.  He said no.
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If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
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Jack Bauer could get Urkel and Skreech laid.
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MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
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When Jack Bauer needs to be fly to Mexico, Mexico meets him halfway.
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When asked what to do about the water around New Orleans, Jack said, "Damn it".
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When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
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Jack Bauer has no friends on Myspace. Everyone who adds him becomes a target by several terrorist networks, and they are found dead the next day for not giving up Jack's location.
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The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
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Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets.
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Jack Bauer invented misery.
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The only reason Martha Logan could bring herself to having sex with President Logan was by pretending that he was Jack Bauer.  However, the fantasy wasn't fulfilled when President Logan lasted 40 seconds.
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Jack Bauer can do more with a cell phone than most hackers can do with the top personal computers.
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Jack Bauer does not yield when he turns right on red.
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The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it. 
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Someone once said "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuckk the prom queen" Jack fucked the prom queen. Twice.
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Jack Bauer's Rice Krispies make no noise. Snap, Crackle and Pop were too noisy for him to complete his breakfast mission.
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The only time we'd ever have to fear the French Army is if Jack Bauer became a French Citizen.
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Jack Bauer knows "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days". He kills them.
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Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
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Jack Bauer can win the world series of poker without being dealt a hand.
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Jack Bauer once shot a Terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 
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Jack Bauer forced Mother Theresa to confess to several crimes.
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Jack Bauer doesn’t sweat, sweat sweats Jack Bauer.
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McDonalds does not love to see Jack Bauer smile.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.
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Jack Bauer once wiped out an entire Chinese restaurant because he thought there was a bomb in his fortune cookie.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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The reason it's so easy for terrorits to infiltrate CTU? Jack Bauer loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
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Jack Bauer located the other side of a mobius strip.
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Jack Bauer demanded to see the stars, so the clouds moved out of the way.
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If your power goes out, it's because Jack Bauer took it.
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Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.
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When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the  Jack Bauer signal.
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On Day 4, Audrey Raines chose to be with her husband, Paul, over Jack Bauer. This is generally regarded as one of the worst decisions ever made by a human.
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Jack Bauer's doesn't use pickup lines, he just says, "Hi, my name is Jack Bauer."
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Jack ate twice the amount of sliders Kumar did.
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If you played Halo with Jack Bauer, he'd snap your neck in the game. Then for real. 
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jack Bauer once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

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Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter in the time it takes you to get dressed in the morning.
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Jack Bauer gave the sun a sunburn.
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The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
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Jack Bauer can look at white rice and turn it brown.
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Jack Bauer is the one who actually brought about the collapse of the USSR. He is known to the Russians as "Jakhail Bauerbachev".
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When Jack slid across the ground and shot the Chinese vehicle it wasn't because he needed to slide, it was because he wanted to add some style points to his kills.
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Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
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Jack Bauer, in order to escape a terrorist trap, once ate his own left hand. When he got out, a new hand, a machine gun, and six bears grew back in its place.
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Why else do they call it JACKing off?
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Jack Bauer impregnated his wife by ejaculating on his bullets and firing them into her womb.
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When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
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Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
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Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
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Jack Bauer tortures foreigners into speaking in english.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
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Nerve gas doesn't harm Jack Bauer, it simply gets on his nerves.
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If you click on "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" Jack Bauer will hunt you down and demonstrate what he can do.
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As a boy for his birthday Jack Bauer's parents showed him how to play the game pin the bullet to the head. He hasn't stopped playing it since.
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Jack Bauer causes tsunamis when he does a cannonball. 
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Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
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Jack Bauer's fesces can crush diamonds.
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Black people shut up when Jack Bauer walks into the movie theater.
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Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.
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Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
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Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
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There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
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If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
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Jack Bauer's favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
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When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
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A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
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When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
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On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
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Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
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Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
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If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
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Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
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Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need Viagra. He chooses to ejaculate quickly simply because there's not enough time.
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When the going gets tough, the tough get Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tea bag girls, Jack Bauer potato sacks girls.
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Since Jack Bauer and Kobe Bryant live in Los Angeles, they commonly switch jobs. What else could explain "Kobe" scoring 81 points.
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If Jack Bauer was in Independance Day it would have been called The 1st of July.
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Jack Bauer was in last years season of "Skating with Celebrities".  The show never aired because he hid in the air ducts, then killed everyone and faked his own death.
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"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
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Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
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Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
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Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.