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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Regis once asked Jack Bauer if it was his final answer. He now has what once no one thought possible - more plastic surgery than Kathie Lee.
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If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
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Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
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Crosswalks weren't made for Jack Bauer, if a car doesn't stop for him, the car loses.
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By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
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Switzerland chose to be neutral to make sure they were always on Jack Bauer's good side. 
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Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim's birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.
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Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.
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Jack Bauer lost his virginity before his dad did.
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Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
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The reason everyone with Allstate is "in good hands" is that they have David Palmer running their ad-campaign... which means they're all in Jack Bauer's hands.
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One day Jack Bauer went to a Frank Sinatra concert. When Frank came out on stage and began singing his opening song, "My Way", Jack Bauer ran up on stage, put two rounds in Sinatra's head and said, "No, Frank, we'll do it my way."

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Jack Bauer can send email even if he has exceeded his storage limit.
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A lesbian feminist once asked Jack Bauer if he was pro-life or pro-choice. He responded by saying "I'm aganist abortion but for killing babies." Then he took her from behind doggy style. Afterwards the woman shaved her legs and bought some perfume.  ...
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Jack Bauer's semen has anti-viral properties, sex with him can cure AIDS, Herpes and the common cold.
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Jack Bauer never puts a safety on his gun.
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Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex.  Why?  Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
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One man once said that Jack Bauer's IQ was "24." He was found the next day with a towels each shoved up his ass and mouth.
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Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
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Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
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Jack Bauer gives his State of the Union every Monday night at 9 pm.
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John Holmes saw Jack Bauer naked in the locker room once, and had to cover himself in shame.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, unless Jack Bauer is torturing your ass and you want to die. Then life is like a box of shit.
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Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
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There were two unicorns on the ark, but Jack Bauer killed them because "unicorns are gay."
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The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked. 
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When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers.  Jack Bauer is the only hero.
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When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
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The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but  Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
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Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."
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Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
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During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
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Only Jack Bauer's sperm could create something so hot as Elisha Cuthbert.
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Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
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Jack Bauer got all the Noble Gases to bond together.
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Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
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CTU was originally comprised of one man: Jack Bauer. He decided to let other people work there too, but only because he wanted to help lower unemployment rates. He doesn't need the help, thank you very much.
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Jack Bauer is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman. Thanks to Nina Meyers, no one understands him.
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Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer.  He passed.  It was too violent.
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When women are around Jack Bauer, they don't menstruate - out of fear.
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With Jack Bauer, Halloween is every day. Because when somebody tricks Jacks, he'll get a painful treat.
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The spoon that Neo is convinced does not exist, is daily used by Jack Bauer to eat his cereal.
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David Blain held his breath for 7 minutes underwater, James Heller did it for 3 hours.
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Bedbugs tell their kids not to let Jack Bauer bite when they put them to bed.
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The I before E except after C rule can trace its origins to Kiefer.
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Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wipe his butt. Shit is afraid to hang around any longer than absolutely neccesary.
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When Gotham City is in trouble and needs Batman, they use the Bat signal to call Batman, when Los Angeles and the rest of the U.S. is in trouble, they use the mushroom cloud as the Bauer signal to call Jack.
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Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother's head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.
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Jack Bauer freed the slaves.
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When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.
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You better trust Jack Bauer, cause you don't want to go down that road with him.
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If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, it's because Jack Bauer is bending him over.
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Jack Bauer changed the number of the beast to 667.
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The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
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To Jack Bauer, the "quicker, picker upper" is when you capture, bind and torture the Brawny paper towel man, making him clean up the mess.
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Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it, he just lit that shit on fire.
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Jack Bauer finished his LSATs in an hour, and used the remaining time to kill Ramon Salazar. He got a 176.
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Jack Bauer fucked more terrorists than a Palestinian hooker on a deadline. 
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Jack Bauer never gets sick because his immune system is almost as deadly as he is.
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Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
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If someone tells you that you "Don't Know Jack", you're better off believing them... because if you really did know Jack, he'd probably kill you.
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Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
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Even if you die in a violent shootout outside your bank, you’re still better off taking your chances with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can get a McRib any time he wants. That "For a limited time" bullshit doesn't apply to him.
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The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
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When Jack Bauer was a major league umpire, the final score was 1,241 - 994. Jack Bauer makes sure everyone is safe.
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Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
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Wayne Gretzky is 'The Great One' because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.
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A good looking man once challenged Jack Bauer to a boxing match.  That man is Sam Cassell.
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Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use condoms for birth control, he uses guns.
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Jack Bauer is not CTU. Jack Bauer will come and get you himself.
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Jack Bauer won a fight with Ditka.
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Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
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Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
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When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
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Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
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Jack Bauer got a 2400 on the SAT's. The old SAT's.
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When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
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Jack Bauer's HIV positive. Nobody screws Jack Bauer and lives.
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If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
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Barry Bonds was on steroids.  Steroids are on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was originally casted as the lead in the movie "Robo Cop," but was later fired because the director realized that Jack didn't need to wear the suite to look intimidating.
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While undercover, Jack Bauer once killed 100 babies to prove his loyalty to a terrorist organization, then killed all the terrorists with a pencil and two rolls of Scotch tape.
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Jack Bauer has served more terrorists than McDonalds has customers.
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Jack Bauer hates jazz.  The result?

Hurricane Katrina.
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One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, "Today is the longest day of my life."
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Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he has nightmares about Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thinks his shit don't stink. He's right.
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When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
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Drive-Thru's are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.
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The new best selling bumper sticker reads: "Jack Bauer will beat the crap out of your Honor Student".
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Jack Bauer gets the chinese man to deliver his food even if he doesn't spend the $15 dollar minimum. Then the delivery man tips Jack for not kicking his ass.
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I once played paintball with Jack Bauer. I don't play it anymore.
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The painting "The Scream" is actually a picture from Jacks camera phone.
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Superman once hid behind Jack Bauer in a fire-fight.
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In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa.  He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone would work even if he was a mile underground beneath the desert in the middle of nowhere... because it knows what's good for it.
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Jack Bauer's first words were, "You've read my file and you know what I’m capable of!", while holding a rattle to his mothers eye. She wouldn't tell him where cookies were.
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The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
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If Jack Bauer told me "I won't let anything happen to you" and then said jump of this bridge, I would do so with no fear in my mind.
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When Jack Bauer went to Bayside High School, he created a band called "Jack Attack".  Screech wasn't let into the band.
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Jack Bauer remembers the last time he heard his father say "stop torturing your brother." It was Monday.
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Jack Bauer don't need no fucking easy button.
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When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
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If Jack Bauer was in Terminator 4, it would still be too short even if it was in slow motion.
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Jack Bauer knows where Atlantis is, because he sunk it.
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In an attempt to curb overpopulation in Middle Eastern cities, the UN offered Jack Bauer a house in Iran. Jack Bauer declined because he wanted more of a challenge.   
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If you don't know who Jack Bauer is make a bomb threat and find out. (Note: Mortal Consequences are possible.)
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Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need AllState. AllState needs Jack Bauer. They're in good hands.
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If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
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When Jack approaches a yield sign he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
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The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
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The original script of 24 had Jack Bauer use only his hands to kill the terrorist but Jack said give me a gun to give them a chance.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
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Jack Bauer knows 435 ways to kill a man and 0 ways to dance with one.
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While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
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Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
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There is no such thing as Parkinson's Disease, but there are people who have crossed Jack Bauer and lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
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Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.
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The Friends would get off the couch in Central Perk if Jack Bauer wanted to sit there.
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Many believe that a ham sandwich was the cause of Mama Cass's death.  Sure, that's true if ham sandwich is synonymous with Jack Bauer.
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The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
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Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
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Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.  
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Jack Bauer had sex with every woman in Africa and still didn't get AIDS.
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Jack Bauer thinks protocol means "To kill". Now it does. 
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In the Season 5 prequel on the Season 4 DVD, Jack Bauer has long, Jesus like hair. Coincidence? I think not.
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Jack Bauer can drink a beer and piss it simultaneously.
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7/11's are open 24 hours a day just in case Jack Bauer stops by for a microwave burrito.
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Jack Bauer was born with one leg, he now takes viagra every day so he can walk.
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When Jack Bauer says jump, you don't have time to ask how high.
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Jack Bauer is about to give new meaning to the term "Chinese Takeout".
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It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
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Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
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Jack has never lost a staring match. If you attempt you enter a staring contest with Jack, its 99% likely you will be shot within 60 seconds.
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When posed with the question, "To be, or not to be?" Jack Bauer killed Shakespeare.
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Remember those times when there were two sets of footprints in the sand?  That was when Jack Bauer didn't feel like carrying you.
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The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
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Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
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Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
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It is usually a good idea to get Jack to promise not to let anything happen to you... unless your name is Behrooz.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
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The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
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Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
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Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
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Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
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Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
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Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
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Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
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Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
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Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
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If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
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The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack.  He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
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Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
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Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

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Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
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Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
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Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
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If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
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Beetlejuice makes God damn sure not to utter "Jack Bauer" more than twice.
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9 out of 10 dentists DO NOT recommend Jack Bauer.
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When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
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Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
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Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
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When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
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Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
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Jack Bauer doesn't interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
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Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick.  While playing goalie.  
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It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
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Harley Davidson was originally named Bauer Davidson, but Jack refused to have his name associated with such a pussy bike.
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Jack Bauer only needs one page to solve the Da Vinci Code, not 454.
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Jack Bauer wakes up before the alarm goes off. 
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Jack Bauer fears one thing and one thing only: Unprotected Sex.  Why?  Two words, "Kim Bauer".
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Jack's wife once started to smoke, so he had to slow down.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits... Jack Bauer does not have the luxury to sleep or wait, because your life depends on it.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
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50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless Jack Bauer is the man who taught you how to fish. Then your lifetime is very close to over.
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If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way. 
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Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.  It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history. 
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Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
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There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
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New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn’t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer's sperm is expected to surpass breast cancer as a "leading killer of women" this year.
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Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
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Jack Bauer's penis is actually a Verizon Wireless cell phone tower, so it's perfectly logical that he gets service 30,000 feet in the air inside the hull of a jet.
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Jack Bauer can beat you in a thumb wrestling match without ever touching you.
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If Jack Bauer were to screw hot babes (ex. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston, and Paris Hilton.) I can assure you that that their acting careers will no longer prosper due to the fact that they will spend the rest of t...
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Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
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Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
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To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindler’s actual list on fire.
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70% of the Earth is covered by land.  The other 30% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer could hijack a plane with a rubber ducky.
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It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
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Jack Bauer was in Al Capone's vault (he got out).
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It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
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On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
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There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Soap needs Jack Bauer to kill germs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
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The only time the terror alert level goes above "severe" is when Jack Bauer starts crying.
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While playing a game of Red Rover, if a team yells "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bauer right over," have some ice on hand to preserve the detached limbs that will litter the ground.
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Pee Wee Herman was arrested for jacking off in public.  That same day Jack Bauer was awarded the silver star for jacking off on a roller coaster while shooting shooting a terrorist with his other hand.
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Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
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You're either with Jack Bauer or against him.  If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
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In terrorist language, Jack Bauer literally translates to "The Chosen One."
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If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
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Jack Bauer is God's way of saying, "Fuck off Darwin."
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As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
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Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
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James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
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If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.
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If Jack Bauer had broken into Watergate, Nixon wouldn't have resigned.  As a fringe benefit, there would be no Democrats older than 50 alive today.
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Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
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Jack Bauer won the US Fencing Championship using a sewing needle.
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Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
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Jack Bauer spoke at a "Scared Straight" seminar for juvenile delinquents.  All attendees requested to be transferred directly to jail at age 18. 
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While Jack Bauer does care about the Earth, he has to drive around in an SUV because it's the only thing with enough cargo room for all the bodies.
%
When Jack Bauer uses heroine, it is the drug that gets high out of Jack, not the other way around.
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Upon seeing Sean Astin become head of CTU, Jack Bauer immediately shot and killed him to prove to everyone that Goonies, in fact, do die.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. Hope infers the possibility of failure.
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger does Jack Bauer impressions at parties.
%
Jack Bauer only gives one present at Christmas, Pain.
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Eddie Bauer recently tried to change his company's name to Jack Bauer. His head was found in a duffel bag 2 days later.
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Someone actually clicked on the "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" link on this site.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.
%
When Jack Bauer smokes pot, the pot gets high.
%
Jack Bauer can beat a royal flush.
%
The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
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If Jack Bauer was the president, it'd be a one-man administration.
%
Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light.  Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead asks for a bucket and a hand gun. He then shoots Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and 12 terrorists. On average this blood is able to save the lives of 50 newborns.
%
The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Best Man. Who said anything about a wedding?
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Jack Bauer doesn't ask, he commands.
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Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
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In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
%
Jack Bauer was going to be the fifth member of the A-Team but he bailed when he saw that gay van.
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A Jack Bauer interrogation has been scientifically proven more effective and accurate than the strongest truth serums known to man.
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In late August of 2005, Jack heard of a terrorist cell operating out of New Orleans.  He took care of it.
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Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. 
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If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.
%
Jack Bauer thinks Walker Texas Ranger is a baseball team.
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Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.
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Jack Bauer can clap with one hand.
%
Jack Bauer's women get hotter every season.
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The Titanic didn't sink because it hit an iceberg, it collided with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's intestines don't digest food. They beat the shit out of it until it drags itself away.
%
Jack Bauer spends and hour each morning practicing saying  "NOW!!!" 
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Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a circular room.
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If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked. 
%
Right before he suffocated, Abu Fayed realized the irony, that, if he hadn’t brought back Jack Bauer, all his plans would have succeeded.
%
Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
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If Jack Bauer smoked cigarettes, even the Surgeon General would be selling them to teenagers.
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Jack Bauer's last girlfriend convinced him to see "Brokeback Mountain." So he broke her back. 
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Jack Bauer can eat steak with a straw.
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Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
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The laws of physics and thermodynamics are only intact because Jack Bauer hasn't gotten around to breaking them, yet.
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The first name on Schindler's List was "Jack Bauer".

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer knows Who's the Boss? Him.
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Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.
Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.
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If Jack Bauer had been the mastermind behind the robbery in "Ocean's Eleven", it wouldn't have been much of a movie, because all he would have had to do would be to walk into the Bellagio and say "My name is Jack Bauer.  Give me 163 million dollars. ...
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To prove it wasn't a big deal that Tom Hanks survived 4 years on a deserted island almost completely naked with only a spear and a volleyball, Jack Bauer did the same thing on Antarctica.  Without the spear or the volleyball.
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Unlike the hordes of CTU agents at his disposal, Jack Bauer doesn't need body armor. His skin is made of kevlar.
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The FCC would have no problem allowing Jack Bauer to interview strippers and porn stars on the radio.
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Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.
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A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
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The lamp cord Jack Bauer used to torture Paul Raines wasn't plugged into an outlet. Jack Bauer generates his own fucking electricity.
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There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a "K" and ends with "ILL".
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Jack Bauer once shot his Ex-boss' wife in the knee cap just to prove her wrong when she said "You're not going to shoot me Jack."  Wait, this is a real fact.
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Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper".  It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.
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Jack Bauer knows what's in your wallet.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
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Jack Bauer has just shot you, but it was above the knee cap. You can still walk, so don't worry, you'll be just fine.
%
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shits standing up.
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"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
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As a child, Jack Bauer once ordered a "Happy Meal," but demanded his money back, as it did not make him happy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
%
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
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Jack Bauer was approached to be a talk show host, but the deal fell through when he tortured each guest on the pilot episode. He wasn't happy with the answers he was getting, and insisted that he needed to know their 'primary objective'
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When Jack Bauer masturbates, he doesn't say he's going to jerkoff, he say's "it's time to punish my genitals".
%
The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
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Jack Bauer filled up his GMail in 23 Hours and 59 secs.
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Jack Bauer can make all sides of a Rubix Cube the same color.
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Jack Bauer heard that people were submitting Chuck Norris quotes with his name.  Since Jack ate Chuck for breakfast, and you are what you eat, they all apply.
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In Doom, the IDDQD code originally let you play through the game as Jack Bauer.  They later changed it to God-Mode for copyright reasons.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't accept your friendship on the facebook.
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As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in  the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, "that's no glitch."
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Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are:  Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
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When Jack Bauer says, "I think he broke a couple of ribs," it roughly translates to, "Hmmm, that kind of stung."
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Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
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The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that's only because he didn't get to torture her beforehand.
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Jack Bauer doesn't swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn't be fair to them.
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Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death.  Death is afraid of Jack.
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Jack Bauer refused the Godfathers offer.
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The thought of Jack Bauer gives Sub-Zero the chills.
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Jack Bauer can make the Juggernaut his bitch.
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Jack Bauer doesn't clean, dust is afraid of his belongings.
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One time Jack Bauer coughed, destroying three small developed countries, and knocking down the Berlin wall.
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When the military gave President Kennedy a 21 gun salute at his funeral, Jack Bauer returned fire.
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When Jack Bauer deals blackjack, he doesn't have to stand on 17.
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When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
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If you're comtemplating suicide, instead of shooting yourself, fuck with Tony Almaeda and let Jack Bauer solve your problems.
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When Jack Bauer eats at Hooters, he takes his waitress home - for dessert.
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When 24: The Game is released, thousands of terrorists will buy it just to learn Jack Bauer's weaknesses. Fortunately for Jack, he is always invincible. They wanted to make the game life-like.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
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Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
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One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
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Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
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Pledge allegiance, to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
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When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
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On the first day, Jack Bauer saved his family. On the second day, Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. On the third day, Jack Bauer saved United States. On the fourth day, Jack Bauer saved the world. You won't believe what Jack Bauer will save by the end of...
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Sudoku puzzles solve themselves when they see Jack Bauer coming.
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Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
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When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
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Kim must have been adopted.  That's the only explanation.
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Jack Bauer's clothes dry in the washing machine.
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If the Vietkong caught Jack Bauer, they would still be torturing him by now. And he would still be smiling.
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Jack Bauer tried to play dogeball once, but ended up shooting each of his opponents nine times in the chest with what he considered to be, "a defensive manuever."
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The people at Konami refer "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" as 'Jack Bauer mode'.
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"Panic! At the Disco" was originally called "At the Disco". Then Jack Bauer showed up.
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Jack Bauer found and killed the last 0.1% of odor-causing bacteria.
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The soup nazi gives Jack Bauer extra crackers.
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When Jack Bauer whispers something in Lil Jon's ear, he does not say "WHAT?!"
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When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.
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Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
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In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer.  He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half.  One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer.  The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as "The Big Bang...

Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
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The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their school yard game. Fuck Superman.

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Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o'clock shadow and receding hairline.

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It's a little known fact that a book was written loosely based on the life of Jack Bauer. That book was the Bible. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a gun to kill terrorists, guns just want in on the action.
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Jack Bauer can beat Contra on NES without entering the cheat code.
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Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer didn't need braces. His teeth were too scared to step out of line.
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When Kim Bauer was a little girl, Jack Bauer did not sing her any lullabies. Jack Bauer choked her to sleep.
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Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
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Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
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Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&M's.
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Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
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Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
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Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation.  He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
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The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
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Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
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If Jack Bauer ever lived in Russia, the Mafia would either move to Antarctica, or never exist.
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Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
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Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
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Jack Bauer added his own face to Mount Rushmore.  Barehanded.
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Jack Bauer doesn't wait for the bus, the bus waits for Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Altoids aren't too strong for Jack Bauer, he's too strong for them.
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Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect?  Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.
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If Brett Favre decides to retire from Football, Jack Bauer will convince him to come back.  
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Jack Bauer is on a freighter bound for China.  17 terrorists attempt to attack the US from Toronto.  Coincidence?
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Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
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Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why the hell else do you think dinosaurs are extinct.
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Jack Bauer has never met a terrorist he didn't like.  To kill.
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When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
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Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven't discovered intelligent life in the universe.
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Why you never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?  He has Edgar Stiles go for him. 
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If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
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Every time a suspect with vital information gets shot right before Jack Bauer starts to interrogate them, they think to themselves, "Thank you God for letting me die before Jack got to me!" 
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If Jack Bauer said the world was flat. You better believe him.
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Why do they call it Jacking off? Because Jack Bauer only needs his hand to blow anything up.
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Jack Bauer can smoke ciggarettes on an airplane.
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Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
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It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends a blank form along with a picture of himself with a gun.  Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes ever.
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Jack Bauer knows what is in secret sauce.
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The real reason "24" wasn't cancelled in its first season is that Jack Bauer spoke to the Fox executives through the TV screen and threatened them with towels.
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When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
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Jack Bauer is the only true American Idol.
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Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
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Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
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If Jack Bauer were Mexican, everyone in the United States would try to hop the border to Mexico.
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Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook. 


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Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer's buttons.
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
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Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
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The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
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If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are fucked.
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When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
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Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn't stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.
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Jack Bauer loves to break hearts, literally and metaphorically.
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Jack Bauer's nerves set off every metal in an airport when he walks in.
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It wasn't the needle that killed Tony... it was Jack's death grip in thinking he was already dead.
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The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, “The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.”
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Jack Bauer parties like its 1999.
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Jack Bauer is the American Idol. 
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Jack Bauer ate Hanibal Lector.
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Jack Bauer places a bag of flaming dog shit on Satan's front porch every week. Satan knows Jack is doing it, but he can't do anything about it.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer goes as himself.
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That hanging thing in the back of your throat? Jack Bauer planted it there.
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Some people watch TV or read to unwind after a long day at work. Jack Bauer holds up gas stations.
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Jack Bauer can unhook your bra while blindfolded and handcuffed to a pole.
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Jack Bauer, cashing in on his super-power ability to get to anywhere in L.A. in 15 minutes, is the employee of the month at Domino's... for 5 years straight.
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Jack Bauer is hung like an 8 year old. No, seriously... his penis is the size of a small boy. 
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Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
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Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
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Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
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Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
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Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
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Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
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Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
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Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
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When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
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Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
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Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
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In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
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Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
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When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
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People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there’s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
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Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
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At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
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There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
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They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
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People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
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Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
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It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
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The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
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The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
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Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
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Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
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Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
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We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
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Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
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My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
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Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
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Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
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You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
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Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

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Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
%
Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
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In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
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The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
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Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
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GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
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When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
%
Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
%
The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
%
Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
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So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
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Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
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In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
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When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking. 
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Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
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Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
%
Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
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Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
%
What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
%
Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
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The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
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How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.
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It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse. 
%
You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
%
Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
%
If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
%
Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
%
Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
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The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
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Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
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In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
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Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
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Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
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Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
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Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
%
The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
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When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

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In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
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The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
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Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
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When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
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Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
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Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
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Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
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Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business & pleasure.
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Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
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Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
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Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
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Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
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Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
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Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
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When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
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Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
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When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
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The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
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Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
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We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't contemplate suicide, he just does it.  Every season.
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Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
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Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
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The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
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Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
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Now we know it's a fact that Jack Bauer eats terrorists for breakfast.
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It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",  there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics.  And wins it.
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Eric Cartman respects Jack Bauer's AUTHORI-TAH.
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Don't challenge Jack Bauer in a eye starring contest, he has not yet blinked once in his life.
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The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
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In the time it takes you to read this, Jack Bauer would have already ended your life and moved on to your neighbors. 
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24 Producers wanted to include a Jack Bauer sex scene, but couldn't.  The reason?  Jack Bauer getting sexual satisfaction takes far longer than a 24 hour season.
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Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer doesn't use roundup to kill the weeds in his yard, he uses a gun.
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When Jack Bauer played Duck Hunt as a kid, he shot a hole through the TV.  With the Zapper.
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When Jack Bauer was 5 years old he got suspended from kindergarden, someone took his crayon and he yelled "Dammit" followed by "Son of a Bitch."
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Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
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Jack Bauer makes Navy Seals look like girly men.
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Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
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24 is not a show, it's a way of life.
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Tsunamis occur when Jack Bauer flushes his toilet.
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Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
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The original intro narrative for each episode of 24 ended with "My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a bad ass."
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Jack Bauer does not wash his hands when he pees. Jack Bauer knows better than to pee on his hands.
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When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
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In season 2, Jack told Kim to shoot Gary in the chest. He still hasn't forgiven himself for not being there to see her first kill.
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ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
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When Jack Bauer was a contestant on "The Apprentice", he fired Donald Trump from his own show.
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If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
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Obi-Wan Kenobi once hacked off three of Jack Bauer's limbs, and left him to burn in a pool of lava. Jack Bauer's limbs and skin regenerated within the hour.
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Jack Bauer was once asked if he was a homosexual. Once.
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Jack Bauer could lead the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl.
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When Jack Bauer says "DAMN IT," God actually damns someone.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of chess against Bobby Fischer.  In one move.
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876 students got perfect scores on their SAT. Also, there are exactly 876 people in the country named Jack Bauer. Coincidence or not? You decide. 
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Jack Bauer can make a man-purse look cool.
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When Jack Bauer plays Hold'em in Vegas, his pocket cards are always "bullets".
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When Jack Bauer finds the nerve gas he will inhale it, becoming more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
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If you're about to get into your Jeep Grand Cherokee and Jack Bauer throws you to the ground, tells you "Don't get up", and drives off with your Jeep, you better not fucking get up.
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If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.
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The law is not above Jack Bauer. Not even the Laws of Physics.
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Jack Bauer entered a building swarming with 167 agents, all of them with protocol to treat him as a hostile. Jack outnumbered them again.
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Towels run in fear of being shoved down people's throats when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer has banged more moms than the MILF Hunter.
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When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
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God actually makes an exception for people who ignore the 1st commandment. Why? Because God himself worships Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
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Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
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The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
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Jack Bauer's in-box has no spam. Spammers are terrified of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once ate six saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, without a single sip of water.
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The video game "God of War" was originally conceptualized as "Jack Bauer: The High School Years".
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When Jack Bauer has the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack’s watching.
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David Hasselhoff once tried to rescue Jack Bauer. He didn’t survive.
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked.
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When Jack Bauer's wife's paternity test revealed that he wasn't the father, he tortured his own son until he revealed who it was.
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Jack Bauer wouldn't pray with Logan.
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Jack Bauer knows what Arabs really have under their turbans.
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If Jack thought twice about killing you then you're already dead.
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Jack Bauer remembers the Alamo.
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In the evil, Mirror Mirror universe, Jack Bauer is exactly the same. He beats the shit out of everybody. The only difference is that he has a beard. 
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When God needed some ideas for the Ten Plagues, he went to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer throws away the pin instead of the grenade for fun.
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You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
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Jack Bauer does not need a space suit, he just holds his breath.
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In Batman shows from the 60s, the captions during fights used to read "Bauered!!!", "son of a bitched!!!", and "damn it!!!".  These captions were later replaced with "wam" "pow" and "sok!!", because Jack Bauer's adventures were not televised until 20...
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Jack Bauer can drink a gallon of milk in under an hour and not throw up.
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Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
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Jack Bauer doesn't put the toilet seat down.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to slap the bottom of the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup to come out.
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Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
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Jack Bauer can barbecue in airplane lavatories.
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We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
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Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
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When Jack Bauer sneezes, Arabs offer their turbans as handkerchiefs.
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While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
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After Pope John Paul II died, God asked Jack Bauer to succeed him.  He said no.
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If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
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Jack Bauer could get Urkel and Skreech laid.
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MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
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When Jack Bauer needs to be fly to Mexico, Mexico meets him halfway.
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When asked what to do about the water around New Orleans, Jack said, "Damn it".

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
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If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
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Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
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If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
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The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
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Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three.  Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
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Michael J. Fox doesn't have Parkinsons.  He's shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
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Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
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Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
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Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
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At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
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Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
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Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
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Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
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The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
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The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
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Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
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Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
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Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
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You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
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A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
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Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
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The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
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In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
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Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
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...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
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Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
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Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
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There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
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President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
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If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
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You cannot stop Jack Bauer, you can only hope to contain him.  Wait you can't even contain him, maybe you can hope to slow him down. Ah hell, you can't stop, contain or slow down Jack Bauer.
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It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
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Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
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Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
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Audrey couldn't handle the size of Jack's penis, which is why she used Paul's death as an excuse to break up with him.
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When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
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To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
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On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building.  This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart.  Where does Bauer get velociraptors?  A...
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When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
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For Valentine’s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
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Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
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When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
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Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings' eye for fun.
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Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm rou...
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In addition to their VISION plan, Sprint plans to offer the CTU package, which includes color schematics, 24 volume bars (volume levels 1-23 and CHOPPER), and a self-destruct mode.
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Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
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When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention.  When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.
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Jack Bauer is going to take down the President of the United States.
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Jack Bauer could silence Simon Cowell.
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Jack Bauer has received a grand total of $1.3 million from the tooth fairy.
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Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener, he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
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When women are asked what they see in Jack, they respond "24".  They're not talking about the show, either.
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Sleeping with Jack Bauer has been listed as an STD by the CDC.  The risks include death and death to those closest to you.
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If you find out Jack Bauer is after you, do everything you can to enjoy your last 24 hours.
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Jack Bauer takes nude photos of all the women he has sex with. He keeps the best ones for himself and sells the others to Playboy.
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Jack Bauer won his third grade spelling bee.  He spelt whatever the hell he wanted.
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Jack Bauer could fill a pool with the blood of those he's killed, unfortunately I don't think he could fit the Pacific Ocean in his backyard.
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On Halloween, a child stopped at Jack Bauers house dressed in a terrorist costume. Jack killed him with a piece of candy corn before he noticed the difference.