view release on metacpan or  search on metacpan

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him.  Jack shot him because he said "good luck", which implied the possibility of failure.
%
Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.
%
Jack Bauer hits Grand Slams with no one on base.
%
Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer gets five downs.
%
After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
%
If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
%
Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
%
Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
%
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
%
Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
%
"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
%
75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
%
[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
%
The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
%
A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
%
Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
%
For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
%
Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
%
Ariel Sharon did not have a stroke.  He heard Jack was looking for him and his brain exploded.
%
Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother.
%
Jack Bauer makes yellow traffic lights turn green.
%
When Jack Bauer falls off the horse, he shoots it for not being cooperative.
%
Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.
%
Jack Bauer would have nailed Lana Lang in the first episode.
%
Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.
%
Jack once ripped a mans heart out and showed it to him.  Then realized he had the wrong guy.  Put it back in him, did CPR, saved his life and then shot for getting blood on his super-cell phone.
%
When Jack Bauer wants to beat a video game, he just turns the system on.
%
Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
%
When Jack Bauer gets thirsty, he interrogates the CEO of Pepsi into revealing which bottles are free soda winners, and kills the other bottles for not cooperating.
%
Kevin Bacon always makes sure to stay at least 7 steps away from Jake Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
%
When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
%
If you see Jack Bauer's eyes closed he isn't sleeping, he is just figuring out new ways to thrash terrorists in complete darkness. Jack does not need sleep you fool.
%
Never tell Jack Bauer to go to hell, because that's exactly where he'll send you once he's through with you. 
%
Jack Bauer is so tough, he eats Campbell's Chunky soup with a Bowie knife.
%
Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
%
Jack Bauer cried in his car like a little girl. However he killed 782 people before this and therefore is a man.
%
Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
%
When humans trip on acid, it alters their perceptions of reality. When Jack Bauer trips on acid, it alters reality.
%
If you're Jack Bauer's boss, you probably won't be when the day is over.
%
When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn't call for backup; he calls a coroner.
%
Jack Bauer can make the fun stop after popping open a can of Pringles.
%
Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
%
When you get a collect call from Jack Bauer the operator doesn't even bother to ask if you accept the charges.
%
The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.  
%
Osama asked for a truce because he heard Jack Bauer got his address.. and is coming for dinner.
%
If Jack Bauer had killed Jesus, there never would have been a resurrection.
%
Once, Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
%
JB is the most dangerous element on the periodic table of elements.
%
Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.
%
Texas doesn't mess with Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
%
When Jack Bauer goes to Baskin Robbins, he chooses from any flavor he wants.  No one limits Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer wrote the "Davinci Code". Not the stupid book, but the actual code.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need a belt.  He demands that his pants stay up.
%
Killing is Jack Bauer's anti-drug.
%
Jack Bauer was removed from Counter-strike by Valve because the counter-terrorists always won. Always.
%
For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer doesn't give you a candies shaped like a heart,  He gives you your Ex's heart.