Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Keynesian Economics do not exist. Since the birth of Jack Bauer, nothing has dared to try and ration him. 
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
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Cindy Crawford's mole makes Jack Bauer want to torture her for information.
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Jack Bauer once killed a man claiming to be Jesus. Jack knew he was lying, because there couldn't possibly be two Sons of God standing in the same room together.
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Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
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Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.
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Jack Bauer once made a woman orgasm by looking at her. He then killed her to prevent the terrorist's from overhearing her screams.
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Jack Bauer tried to order breakfast at McDonalds once. When he was told by a McDonalds assosiate that they don't serve breakfast after 11am, he grabbed the assosiate, shot him in the leg, and asked him: "What is your primary objective?"
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The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
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The real reason why all those famous heroes like Hercules, Achilles, and Perseus lived in ancient times was because they didn't want to compete with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.
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In order to call the show 24, they have to film Jack Bauer in slow motion.
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God invented the male orgasm so Jack Bauer would know when to stop fucking.
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Jack Bauer told Frankie to "Relax".
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Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.  
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James Heller said, "You're cursed Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead."
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Jack Bauer doesn't work for CTU. CTU works for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
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Jack Bauer is the only one who knows the true location of Homer Simpson's Springfield.
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A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
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Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
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Sometimes Jack Bauer uses blanks because he likes to see terrorists squirm. This is his idea of entertainment.
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Jack Bauer has chopped an arm off of a man 5 times, only once was it necessary to save lives.
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Jack Bauer's 13 round HK magazine can actually hold 15 bullets.
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If you pretend that you are retarded, Jack will not hurt you.
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Why did Forrest Gump run so fast?  Jack Bauer was chasing him.
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Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa. 
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Jack Bauer knows who cut the cheese.
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Jack Bauer's only kidding.  He knows who you're working for.
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Regis once asked Jack Bauer if it was his final answer. He now has what once no one thought possible - more plastic surgery than Kathie Lee.
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If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
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Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
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Crosswalks weren't made for Jack Bauer, if a car doesn't stop for him, the car loses.
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By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
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Switzerland chose to be neutral to make sure they were always on Jack Bauer's good side. 
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Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim's birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.
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Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.
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Jack Bauer lost his virginity before his dad did.
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Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
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The reason everyone with Allstate is "in good hands" is that they have David Palmer running their ad-campaign... which means they're all in Jack Bauer's hands.
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One day Jack Bauer went to a Frank Sinatra concert. When Frank came out on stage and began singing his opening song, "My Way", Jack Bauer ran up on stage, put two rounds in Sinatra's head and said, "No, Frank, we'll do it my way."

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Jack Bauer can send email even if he has exceeded his storage limit.
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A lesbian feminist once asked Jack Bauer if he was pro-life or pro-choice. He responded by saying "I'm aganist abortion but for killing babies." Then he took her from behind doggy style. Afterwards the woman shaved her legs and bought some perfume.  ...
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Jack Bauer's semen has anti-viral properties, sex with him can cure AIDS, Herpes and the common cold.
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Jack Bauer never puts a safety on his gun.
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Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex.  Why?  Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
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One man once said that Jack Bauer's IQ was "24." He was found the next day with a towels each shoved up his ass and mouth.
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Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
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Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
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Jack Bauer gives his State of the Union every Monday night at 9 pm.
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John Holmes saw Jack Bauer naked in the locker room once, and had to cover himself in shame.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, unless Jack Bauer is torturing your ass and you want to die. Then life is like a box of shit.
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Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
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There were two unicorns on the ark, but Jack Bauer killed them because "unicorns are gay."
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The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked. 
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When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Jack Bauers.  Jack Bauer is the only hero.
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When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
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The original line in "Gladiator" was "Unleash Jack Bauer," but  Ridley Scott decided that audiences could not handle that kind of mayhem, so they toned it down to "Unleash Hell."
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Bauerize (also Bauerise) v.
1. The act destroying someone or something in a dramatic fashion in order to save the country or the world. "The terrorist was Bauerized."

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine.  Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
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If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
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The answer to the question "what happens when a strong force hits an immoveable object" has never been answered because nothing that has crossed Jack Bauer's path has lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer was traded for Behrooz and 99 1st round draft picks.
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All of the guns used on 24 aren't real, yet Jack's gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
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Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
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Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
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Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
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Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
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When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
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When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
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After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer allows himself to be stabbed, shot or tortured as a means of relieving stress, similar to accupuncture.
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Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
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'Lesbian' is a latin phase, which roughly translates to;
"She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer".
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you and he says he's not hurting you, then Jack Bauer is not hurting you...yet.
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Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
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Jack Bauer has fucked up more black guys than Hurricane Katrina. 
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Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune. 
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Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
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Jack Bauer did not pledge a fraternity in college, a fraternity pledged Jack Bauer.
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The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name.  Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
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In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
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When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
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Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
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The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
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Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
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Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
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Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
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Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.
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Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
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Jack Bauer's flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
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Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
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24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned. 
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Jack's 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetary plots.  
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Jack Bauer did not get hit by a car. The car got hit by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's shadow has 8 kills.
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One time, Jack Bauer stubbed his toe, and subsequently destroyed the entire country of Saudi Arabia.
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Jack Bauer was kicked out of the army for shoving a towel down a colleagues throat after he dropped his soap by Jack's feet, and winked.
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Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer's name.
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If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
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Jack Bauer would eat Mike Tyson's children. 
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Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.
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When Jack Bauer shouts "Dammit!", the world momentarily stops turning.
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Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses because his eyes can steal men's souls.

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If you play poker with Jack Bauer, do not bluff. He will find out what you're holding.
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Donald Trump is Jack Bauer's apprentice.
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If Jack Bauer was black, his name would be Curtis.
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When Jack Bauer burps, he never says "excuse me." Jack Bauer has no time for excuses.
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You know that series of unfortunate events book series? Jack Bauer caused those.
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Heath Ledger wishes he could quit Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has never been seen using the restroom. It is rumoured that anyone who witnesses this Holy event, immediately engulfs in flames.
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If Jack Bauer had to choose between saving Tony Almeida or Audrey Raines he would choose Tony. Jack believes in 'bros before hoes'.
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Jack Bauer's Playboy comes with the articles already ripped out.
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Jack Bauer calls Chuck Norris Charlie.
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Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a blowjob.
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Jack Bauer once showed me a video of him having sex with my wife.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
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Jack Bauer pisses in the wind.
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Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
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Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.
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One day, Jack Bauer was seen walking around L.A. with a gigantic green heart in his hand.  When asked whoose it was, Jack replied, "His name was Incredible Hulk...something."
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Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
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If Jack Bauer says "Shit," you say "What shape Agent Bauer?"
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Jack Bauer can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce. And he's sober again in six minutes.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
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Die Hard is the funniest movie Jack Bauer's ever seen.
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Garbage men leave Jack Bauer's empty trash cans upright and in their proper location.  
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They say that men can't handle relationships. Relationships can't handle Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer taught sign language to the blind.
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The real reason the war is still going on in Iraq is that President Bush has not unleashed Jack Bauer. This is why President Bush is considered a stupid president.
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Jack Bauer flavors his food with gun powder and grated bullets.
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Rambo: First Blood Part II is actually footage of Jack Bauer's 2nd grade field trip.
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Jack Bauer
1) verb. the act of performing an act of heroic immensity.
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Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
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Jack Bauer was brought to China to enfore the one-child policy.
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There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
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Jack Bauer touches raw chicken and doesn't wash his hands. 
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If you cant't see well, Jack Bauer will start with the left eye, then he'll move to the right eye, then he's going to start cutting you.
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Jack Bauer did not drop Habib Marwan to his death because Marwan cut his hand; Jack Bauer is immune to pain.  He dropped him because Marwan has sweaty hands.  Very, very sweaty hands.
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Jack Bauer has a another daughter called Rambo.
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Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn't even notice.
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Jack Bauer whispers to get you close enough to stab you in the neck.
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The only reason that Chuck Norris is not Jack Bauer's bitch is that Jack doesn't like to lie down on the job.
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Whenever Jack Bauer goes to McDonalds, he always asks for no pickles on his hamburger. One day, he was given pickles by a cashier. Jack calmly ate his hamburger and walked out of the resturaunt. The next day, the cashier was found hanged from a lamp ...
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Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
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Jack Bauer's tears can bring back the dead. Too bad he didn't gain this power until the end of the 3rd season.
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This bag is not a toy. It is a torture device used by Jack Bauer.
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If you wouldn't go gay for Jack then you are not straight.
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Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
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Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense.  In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs he will kill you that much faster.
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Jack Bauer convinced AIDS to leave Magic Johnson's body.
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Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
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If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
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The only reason Jack Bauer cried over Terri's death was because that unborn child had so much potential.
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Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
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According to at least one co-worker, Jack Bauer is very good at what he does.
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Jack Bauer is so powerful that he once was able to pull Edgar away from the buffet line.
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Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.

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Jack Bauer doesn't pay prostitutes. Prostitues pay Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can lock a key in it's drawer.
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When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
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Jack Bauer killed Bambi's mother. And then he ate her. Raw.
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Jack Bauer was almost infected with the AIDS virus.  Instead, he gave AIDS Ebola.
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During a 4th grade spelling test, Jack Bauer simply wrote his name for every answer.  Naturally, he got an A+.
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Rudolph the red nosed reindeer… did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
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When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
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If God was one of us, He would be Jack Bauer.
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In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
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Jack Bauer can save money on his car insurance without calling Geico.
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Jack Bauer only seeks medical attention when his erections last fewer than four hours.
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After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, "Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
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Jack Bauer killed the person who claimed to be "The Man".  Jack Bauer then insisted that people who think they are sweet refer to themselves as "Jack Bauer".
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The FAA didn't put stronger locks on the cockpit doors, they just put a picture of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not use condoms. He does not need to. His sperm is so fast and strong they would simultaneously fertilize and destroy any egg.  
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Marines are often refered to as Alpha Company because they begin things. Jack Bauer is known as Omega Company because he ends them.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
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The "Burning Bush" was Jack Bauer telling Moses what to do.
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Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted.  Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
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Jack Bauer visited the Grim Reaper while he was on his death bed. The Grim Reaper's last words were "The student has become the master". 
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Jack Bauer went to an asian massage parlor. When the girl tried to give him a happy ending he shot her in the face because no one tries to rub out Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer always speaks in a whisper because his normal voice will make mortal men's heads explode.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is the thing that goes "bump" in the night.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get older. He gets less young.
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Jack Bauer is directly responsible for the peaceful resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
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If Jack had been in Vietnam there would have been no need for napalm.
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Knives merely bend when they come into contact with Jack Bauer's skin, unless he allows himself to be stabbed, in order to do even more badass shit.
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When the tooth fairy looses a tooth, Jack Bauer leaves money under her pillow.
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At the end of season 3, Jack Bauer sticks the dangerous Cordilla Virus detonator into a school refrigerator. Most people think that this was to save the population from a widespread infection. The truth, however, is that Jack Bauer just wanted to mak...
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Jack Bauer does not attend anger-management classes but rather releases his anger by killing those who feel he should.
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Jack Bauer thinks life's a game. And games are best played in God Mode.
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Executing your boss, cutting off your partner's hand with an axe and torturing your girlfriend's husband are just some of the perks Jack loves about his job.
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Jack Bauer really enjoys a good steak. When he is asked how he wants it prepared, Jack simply walks into the kitchen and takes a bite out of the cow. He then returns to his seat and dabs his face with the napkin. This is usually followed by a Snapple...
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After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsena...
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A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.
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Thomas Jefferson once said, "An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens". He never met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
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Jack Bauer's mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country.  To this Jack chuckled and responded, "You know that answer" as he snapped her neck.  Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
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Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
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Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris...
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What an ego. Donald Sutherland claims to be the father of Jack Bauer.
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Jack decided to make Dirty Harry's day.
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Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
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Jack Bauer didn't really need a hacksaw.
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If you sit at a poker game with Jack Bauer, look around the table, and can't decide who the sucker is, you're probably dead now. 
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Jack Bauer can eat 7 Saltines in a minute and then wash them down with a gallon of milk.
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Jack Bauer kills more people per day than cancer.
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You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
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If Jack Bauer was in Final Destination, Death would try to cheat him.
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Every year, atomic clocks are adjusted to Jack Bauer time.
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Jack Bauer once faked his own death by hiding in the stomach of Edgar Stiles for 2 seasons solely surviving on Big Macs and Krispy Kreme donuts. 
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The Chinese didn't admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said "That tickled."
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When Jack Bauer looks at Edgar, he is temporarily unretarded. 
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The only reason Michael Jordan finally retired is because Jack Bauer wanted to join the NBA for recreation.
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Jack refuses to play the lottery. It just wouldn't be fair to the millions of other players.
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Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
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Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
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Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but  realized his mistake and shot the President.  Jack Bauer is never wrong.
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People dont go to Jack Bauer's house for halloween because he hands out cans of whoop-ass to everybody.
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A man once told Jack Bauer that guns should be banned. Historians agree that this is the worst mistake anyone has ever made in the history of the world.
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Chase once asked Jack Bauer if he was having a case of the Mondays. This is the real reason Jack cut Chase's hand off.
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Jack Bauer eats pieces of shit like Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel for breakfast.
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Jack Bauer can eat a bag of Doritos and not get cheese on his fingers.
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When Jack Bauer signs up for a free ipod online, they actually give him one.
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All Video games now feature four difficulty levels: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer...No one has ever beaten the game on Jack Bauer.
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Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
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Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
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Jack Bauer always goes for it on 4th down.
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Jack Bauer does not have enemies, just people who he has to kill.
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Jack Bauer screwed Money Penny and sent James Bond the satellite pictures as a joke.
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Jack Bauer never gets cavities, tooth decay is afraid to go in his mouth.
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Jack Bauer controls the Matrix, he chose Neo to be the one because Jack Bauer doesn't like playing computer games.
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When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time."
%
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one. 
%
Jack Bauer once took steroids to try and shrink his giant fucking balls... It didn't work.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need your recommendation, he can find his own fucking job.
%
Jack Bauer shot the sheriff and the deputy.
%
Jack Bauer once took Kim to the zoo. When they approached
the cougar cage, poor Kim screamed.

Ten minutes later, the cougars were dead.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Bauer asks, and you'd better tell. Or else.
%
There once was a terrorist cell planning an attack on United States soil. CTU got wind of this and naturally sent Jack Bauer to "recon" the base and call for additional reinforcements if needed. Upon arrival at said encampment, Jack saw that the head...
%
Jack Bauer smashed a mirror because he thought a terrorist was trying to impersonate him.
%

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer always wins Pong in one move.
%
Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
%
While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground.  Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
%
Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was.  The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.


%
Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack's moves & torture tactics.
%
Zeus is the Greek word for 'Jack Bauer'.
%
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
%
Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
%
While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
%
Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer's skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
%
If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
%
Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
%
The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States is because Jack Bauer is still single.
%
The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
%
Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
%
Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
%
The Ice Age only occured because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
%
Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
%
Jack Bauer was born at the age of 30. His mom did not require a C section, Jack Bauer simply shed her skin.
%
Wearing no shoes and no shirt, Jack Bauer receives service.
%
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
%
Two heads are better then one, unless that one head is Jack Bauer's head.
%
Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
%
Jack Bauer only eats meat, he hates food that never had a pulse.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
%
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
%
Cattle stampedes are what happens when Jack Bauer gets hungry.
%
There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
%
In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
%
Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
%
Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective.  The result was Jack Bauer.
%
Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
%
Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
%
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
%
Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Mr. T were once stuck in a room.  The combination of Pitting Fools, Roundhouse Kicks and Terrorist Killing ability created a tear in the fabric of space time.  The end result was Stephen Harper winning the Canadian Elect...
%
Normally the flight from Los Angeles to New York takes 7 hours, but when Jack Bauer is on the plane, it only takes 15 minutes because there's not enough time.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't play "Sorry". He plays "you're going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer". 
%
Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
%
Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him.  Jack shot him because he said "good luck", which implied the possibility of failure.
%
Jack Bauer is 100% death proof.
%
Jack Bauer hits Grand Slams with no one on base.
%
Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer gets five downs.
%
After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
%
If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
%
Someone once asked Jack Bauer if he had a case of the Mondays. What ensued was one of the most heinous beatings in recorded history.
%
Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
%
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
%
Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
%
"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always. 
%
75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
%
[This fact censored by Jack Bauer]
%
The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer slits his wrists and does pushups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.
%
A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
%
Jack Bauer's wallet says "BADDEST MOTHER FUCKER" on it. 
%
For kicks, Jack Bauer allows terrorists to crack one of his ribs before he kills them. Otherwise there's no sport.
%
Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just gonna die tired.
%
Jack Bauer's WWE Wrestling DVDs don't have the "Please don't try this at home" warning on them, because there's nothing WWE wrestlers can do that can possibly hurt Jack Bauer.
%
MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her in on their show.  Jack Bauer shot the men instantly.  MTV has never tried to Raid Kim's room again.
%
Jack Bauer can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to kill terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer would win American Idol by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
%
Jack Bauer can open child proof medicine with out lining up the tabs.
%
Jack Bauer once won a game of Scrabble without a single letter.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sing the Oscar Myer Wiener song, because he is no wiener and is already loved by everyone.
%
Jack Bauer was once asked why he faked his own death, instead of making a stand against the Chinese.  Jack replied, "Because I can't fit 1.6 million bullets in my CTU vehicle."  He then tortured and shot the man to prove his point.
%
The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.
%
Ryan Seacrest is only allowed to live because Jack Bauer shares his network.
%
You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have IRS withholdings taken out of his check.  The IRS has Bauer Refund withholdings taken out of their funds.
%
Jack Bauer fakes orgasms, nothing excites him more than killing.
%
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
%
There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
%
Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
Fact: Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time.  Draw your own conclusions.
%
When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn't fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
%
It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
%
Jack Bauer didn't save money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. The gecko is now an endangered species.
%
When Jack Bauer orders a pizza with toppings, he gets pepperoni and glass. 

He picks off the pepperoni.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't lie.  He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
%
Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.  
%
If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
%
When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
%
When someone on the airplane yelled "Hi Jack," Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him.  Lesson: Don't talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
%
Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
%
The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
%
Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
%
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
%
You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
%
Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
%
Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.
%
When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.
%
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
%
Nothing can get in between Jack fucking Bauer. Except for the word "fucking".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't own a working watch, he only has a timer that is set on 15 minute intervals. Thus, he always assumes he is running out of time.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
%
Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
%
If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
%
Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
%
Moses parted the Red Sea. The Red Sea would part for Jack.
%
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
%
Jack Bauer framed Roger Rabbit.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need money, "I give you my word," is enough.
%
When Jack Bauer makes love, he does it with a knife to your throat.

Just to be safe.
%
On April 15, the IRS pays taxes to Jack Bauer.
%
Never bring Jack Bauer into your home. You will be arrested for possesion of a weapon of mass destruction.
%
Jack Bauers' bowels don't move. He sits on the toilet and scares the shit out of himself.
%
Due to his inability to get drunk off anything other than the misplaced trust of those weaker than himself, Jack Bauer has been the undisputed CTU beer pong champion for the last twelve years.
%
The first piece of luggage to appear on the baggage carousel belongs to Jack Bauer.  
%
Jack Bauer cooks his three minute flapjacks in two minutes.
%
Jack Bauer can eat hotwings without napkins.
%
Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him. 
%
When Jack Bauer talks in his sleep, he sets precedents for the Supreme Court.
%
When Tony Montana said "Say hello to my little friend," he meant Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a "little" goes a long way.
%
Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer never gets the watery stuff when using ketchup from the bottle, even if he doesn't shake it first.
%
When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
%
Jack Bauer beats Koreans in Starcraft.
%
When Jack Bauer shoots his load, his wife has to wear a kevlar vest.  
%
Kim is an Ashlee Simpson fan.  It's the only reason she is on the radio.
%
Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking. 
%
Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
%
Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
%
Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
%
Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
%
What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
%
Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
%
The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
%
How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.
%
It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse. 
%
You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
%
Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
%
If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
%
Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
%
Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
%
The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
%
In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
%
Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.
%
Jack Bauer will fuck you in the ass.  Jack Bauer does not give reach arounds.
%
Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
%
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
%
The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn't is because all of Jack's actions are covered as an act of God.
%
When Jack Bauer graduated from college, his parents told him he needed to get a job. After four months working at the local Sonic, Jack got fed up, quit, and created terrorism. He has had steady work at CTU ever since.

%
In the last episode of fear factor, the final challenge involved a one on one stare down with Jack bauer.. Joe Rogan is still missing.
%
The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.
%
Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.
%
When you sneeze, it's Jack Bauer's spirit punching you in the face.
%
Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
%
Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
%
Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
%
Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business & pleasure.
%
Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
%
Jack Bauer's i-Pod does not have songs on it, instead only the screams of fallen enemies.
%
Seeing parody cartoons of himself in a Danish newspaper, Jack Bauer proceeded to burn Denmark's embassy in Damascus. He then broke the necks of the first 10 people to tell him "it's been done".
%
Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
%
Upon hearing that Allen Iverson was "the Answer", Jack Bauer flew to Philly.  Allen Iverson then made that commercial that details his numerous injuries.
%
Mortal Kombat had to change "Finish Him" into "Jack Bauer Him!"
%
When Jack Bauer walks into an airport, the security guards remove their shoes and walk through the metal detectors.
%
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
%
When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah."  Every time.
%
The only thing that slows Jack Bauer down is having to use call-waiting.
%
Jack Bauer did not cry when he saw President Palmer's dead body...water was pooling on his face to block radioactive material.
%
We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't contemplate suicide, he just does it.  Every season.
%
Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
%
Jack Bauer wears his sunglasses at night.
%
The bouncer does not bother to check whether Jack Bauer is on The List. 
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
%
Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
%

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer is so sexy that being called a Jackass has become a compliment.
%
Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis but he always refuses. Is it because he's gay? No, it's because Jack Bauer doesn't fucking sleep.
%
The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.
%
If there really is a God then Jack Bauer should be arrested for identity theft. 
%
It is Jack Bauer who sees you when you're sleeping, and it is Jack Bauer who knows when you're awake. "Santa Claus" is just a stupid codename, and Jack Bauer killed the guy who assigned it to him.
%
When Jack Bauer microwaves a burrito, it isn't cold in the middle.
%
Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
%
Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
%
"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
%
When Jack Bauer read "Dianetics", he killed L. Ron Hubbard for mental terrorism.
%
Jack Bauer can substitute Z's for vowels in Scrabble.
%
They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn't take shit from anybody.
%
Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
%
Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
%
In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
%
Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
%
Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
%
Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
%
The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
%
Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
%
Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
%
When Jack Bauer said, "You've read my profile" he really meant, "You've spent 45 minutes reading facts about me on that website, you know what I'm capable of."
%
If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
%
Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
%
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
%
When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga. 
%
Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
%
Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting. 
%
Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
%
"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
%
President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
%
Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
%
Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
%
The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
%
While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
%
If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
%
Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
%
If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
%
The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
%
Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three.  Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
%
Michael J. Fox doesn't have Parkinsons.  He's shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
%
Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
%
Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
%
Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
%
At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
%
Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
%
Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
%
Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
%
The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
%
The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
%
Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
%
Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
%
Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
%
You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
%
A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
%
Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
%
The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.