log results from the CPAN

Acme-24

view release on metacpan or search on metacpan

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Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
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Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.
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Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
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Jack Bauer went to Taco Bell and told them he wanted something more spicy.  The results led to the E. Coli outbreak of December 2006.
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Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh. 
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Jack Bauer's eardrums are made out of titanium.
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Phone Booth was really about Jack Bauer's day off.
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After being tortured, castrated, and delimbed, Jack Bauer's only response was, "Dammit."
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Jack Bauer has single handedly tortured more people than Britney Spears has with the aid of mass media and multinational record companies.
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Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
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If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas.  Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, h...
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God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God. 

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Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
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Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
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If Jack Bauer shoots you, it's because he has a plan.  If you live, you're part of that plan.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own Tivo. His VCR simply lives in fear of ever forgetting to record his shows again.
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Chuck Norris may be able to divide by 0, but Jack Bauer can shove a towel down someone's throat. All the way.
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Jack Bauer can ride shotgun in the driver's seat.
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Jack Bauer invented the Jedi Mind trick. His only needed two words, "Trust me".
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Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
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Jack Bauer doesn't care about Kanye West.
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Jesus did not die for our sins. He refused to divulge information to Jack Bauer.
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Most people start their day with a bowl of cereal. Jack Bauer starts his day with a 9mm and a double figure body count
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Jack Bauer won the Daytona 500.  On a skateboard.
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Jack Bauer got an upgrade to first class even though the airplane did not have a first class section.
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There's only one real reason why Jack Bauer is going after his family in Season 6: It is time to purify the bloodline.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's in English, thank Jack Bauer... for not killing your teacher.
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Jack Bauer pours water into acids.
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If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
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Jack Bauer didn't quit smoking. He just quit smoking cigarettes. Non-filtered wasn't strong enough, so he moved on to exhaust pipes.
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Grand Theft Auto doesn't have a 7 star wanted level, you don't want Jack Bauer after you, even in a video game.
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Bob Marley was not lying, he did not shoot the deputy, Jack Bauer did.
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When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
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Someone asked me how my day went, and I told them, "I feel like Jack Bauer just questioned me."
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Being Jack Bauer's caddy is the worst job in the world. He constantly has a gun to your head demanding to know where his ball is.
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If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
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When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean "Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?"
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Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
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When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
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The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade. 
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Jack Bauer thinks Martini's shaken not stirred are for pussies.
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Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
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When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
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Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
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Jack Bauer was going to study for a PhD, but he thought the hour could be better spent working for CTU.
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In the directors cut of Titanic when Rose says "I'll never let go Jack", she then pulls Leonardo DiCaprio's hand off hers and lets him drown, rolls over and has sex with Jack Bauer. Poor Leo thought she meant him.
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Jack Bauer was actually named after the verb of the same name; i.e. to Jack Bauer someone's ass.
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Keynesian Economics do not exist. Since the birth of Jack Bauer, nothing has dared to try and ration him. 
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If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
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Cindy Crawford's mole makes Jack Bauer want to torture her for information.
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Jack Bauer once killed a man claiming to be Jesus. Jack knew he was lying, because there couldn't possibly be two Sons of God standing in the same room together.
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Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
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Jack Bauer drinks hydrogen. When he goes to take a sip of water the oxygen disassociates.
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Jack Bauer once made a woman orgasm by looking at her. He then killed her to prevent the terrorist's from overhearing her screams.
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Jack Bauer tried to order breakfast at McDonalds once. When he was told by a McDonalds assosiate that they don't serve breakfast after 11am, he grabbed the assosiate, shot him in the leg, and asked him: "What is your primary objective?"
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The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
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The real reason why all those famous heroes like Hercules, Achilles, and Perseus lived in ancient times was because they didn't want to compete with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.
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In order to call the show 24, they have to film Jack Bauer in slow motion.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.
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Jack Bauer is so attuned to the minds of terrorists.  While searching for terrorists, all Jack has to do is listen to the sounds of a someone on the crapper to know whether he is a terrorist.  Jack Bauer also uses this strategy on dates.  
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Jack toilet trained Kim at gunpoint.
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If you're in Jack Bauer's hands, you're not covered under our policy. That's Allstate's stand.
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Contrary to poular belief, Jack Bauer kept Chase's arm.
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The Price Is ALWAYS Right for Jack Bauer.
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The liquid solution that CTU injects into suspected terrorists during interrogation is actually Jack Bauer's semen. It isn't pain the subject feels, but rather a crippling sensory overload of pleasure, on contact. No human body can withstand it.

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Jack Bauer once struck someone out on two pitches.
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Jack Bauer taught the Russians how to play "Russian Roulette".
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Steven Segal doesn't watch porn, he jacks off to episodes of 24.
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In 2010, our legal system will change.  We will no longer swear to God, we will swear to Jack Bauer.
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If your wife is having sex with Jack Bauer, pray to God that she gets pregnant.
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Jack Bauer cannot be linked to Kevin Bacon.
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Bauer's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Osama Bin Laden.
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There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
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When Jack Bauer plays checkers he doesn't get kinged, he gets Jack Bauered.
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Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with "Black Power".  
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch TV.  TVs watch Jack Bauer.
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Jackie Chan learnt everything from Jack Bauer. Bruce Lee didn't : He died
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
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Jack Bauer never participated in high school sports. He doesn&#x2019;t like any game that&#x2019;s not to the death. 
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There's a bullet out there with Jack Bauer's name on it. Actually, there are millions of them: He has his own signature line.
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What happens when you break Jack Bauer's rib. He takes it and stabs you with it.
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Jack Bauer is the other white meat.
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If Jack Bauer know's your name (and he does), just hope that he never thinks it is important. Ever. 
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Jack Bauer once knocked out an FBI agent and borrowed his clothes to infiltrate a building. When the man was revived, he  passed out again due to the sheer thought of Jack Bauer wearing his clothes.
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Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to go fishing - the fish willingly jump out of the water and directly onto Jack's grill.
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The little light in Jack Bauer's refrigerator stays on even after the door is closed.  
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At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession.  All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer.  
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Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
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Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
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During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
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Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
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Jack Bauer once ate a quarter and shit two dimes and a nickle.
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Jack Bauer does not need SCUBA gear.  If he runs out of air, he uses anger.
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It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
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Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
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Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
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Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
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Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine.  Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.
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If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
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The answer to the question "what happens when a strong force hits an immoveable object" has never been answered because nothing that has crossed Jack Bauer's path has lived to tell about it.
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Jack Bauer was traded for Behrooz and 99 1st round draft picks.
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All of the guns used on 24 aren't real, yet Jack's gun managed to fire and kill a man on set. When everyone began to question how it was possible, Jack slowly rolled up his sleeves. The cameramen quickly resumed filming.
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Jack Bauer once did a cannonball into the Indian Ocean... you know the rest.
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Jack Bauer once fingered 3 girls... with 2 hands
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Jack Bauer once met Jason, Micheal Myers, and Freddy Kruger in a dark ally. They killed themselves before Jack did it for them.
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Jack Bauer invented Everclear because Listerine wasn't good enough to gargle.
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When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
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When Jack Bauer eats Taco Bell, he feels fine and the entire country of Mexico has violent diarrhea.
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After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer allows himself to be stabbed, shot or tortured as a means of relieving stress, similar to accupuncture.
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Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
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'Lesbian' is a latin phase, which roughly translates to;
"She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer".
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you and he says he's not hurting you, then Jack Bauer is not hurting you...yet.
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Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
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Jack Bauer has fucked up more black guys than Hurricane Katrina. 
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Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune. 
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Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
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Jack Bauer did not pledge a fraternity in college, a fraternity pledged Jack Bauer.
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The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name.  Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay rent. People pay Jack to live in their buildings.
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In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
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When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
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Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
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The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
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Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once tried to become a surgeon, but he kept jamming the surgical scissors into the patients necks.
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An electromagnet didn't cause the plane to crash. Jack Bauer was in the luggage compartment and the pilot wouldn't listen to him.
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Jack Bauer is the reason men turn gay.
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Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
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Jack Bauer uses those he has killed as tax write offs.
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CTU was blown up in the second season of "24", but luckily, Jack Bauer was there to fix it simply by applying a piece of gum that he'd been chewing on.
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Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.
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Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school.  When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found.  Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents.
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When Jack Bauer is connected to a series of events that involves foreigners, they have to speak english even in their own homes. They have no choice, that is the way of things.
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American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
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Jack Bauer found his parents having sex, and tortured his father to learn of his primary objective.
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Jack Bauer eats Hotpockets as soon as they're done.
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In America, Jack Bauer kills you.

In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer kills you.
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When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
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Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton's tree.
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Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night. 

He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu.  Because he's hungry.
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On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he'll have made it forget him.
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Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
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When in the presense of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
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Jack Bauer didn't need to go back to the future to fix his mistakes. Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes.
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If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
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Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
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The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
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Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
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Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
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CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
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The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
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Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
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When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
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There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
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After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
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Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
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Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
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Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the &#x201C;LOST&#x201D; island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray &amp; found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
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To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.
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Jack Bauer once told a terrorist to eat shit. The terrorist learned that shit doesn't taste very good.
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Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell.
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If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
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Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
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When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
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The only reason Jack Bauer didn't enter and win every men's event at the Winter Olympics is that there aren't enough terrorists in Italy to keep him occupied between events. Oh, and he thinks figure skating is gay.
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Jack Bauer has never used the Pause button during any video game.
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Jack Bauer doesn't interrogate, he shoots the suspect until he finds another suspect he needs information from.
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Jack Bauer once scored a hatrick.  While playing goalie.  
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It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
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Harley Davidson was originally named Bauer Davidson, but Jack refused to have his name associated with such a pussy bike.
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Jack Bauer only needs one page to solve the Da Vinci Code, not 454.
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Jack Bauer wakes up before the alarm goes off. 
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Jack Bauer fears one thing and one thing only: Unprotected Sex.  Why?  Two words, "Kim Bauer".
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Jack's wife once started to smoke, so he had to slow down.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits... Jack Bauer does not have the luxury to sleep or wait, because your life depends on it.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
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50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless Jack Bauer is the man who taught you how to fish. Then your lifetime is very close to over.
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If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way. 
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Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.  It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history. 
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Jack Bauer only kills one group of people on this earth: terrorists and liberals and the French.
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There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
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New Yorkers thought the Statue of Liberty wasn&#x2019;t doing her job, so they replaced her with Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer's sperm is expected to surpass breast cancer as a "leading killer of women" this year.
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Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
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Jack Bauer's penis is actually a Verizon Wireless cell phone tower, so it's perfectly logical that he gets service 30,000 feet in the air inside the hull of a jet.
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Jack Bauer can beat you in a thumb wrestling match without ever touching you.
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If Jack Bauer were to screw hot babes (ex. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Anniston, and Paris Hilton.) I can assure you that that their acting careers will no longer prosper due to the fact that they will spend the rest of t...
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Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
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Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
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To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindler&#x2019;s actual list on fire.
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70% of the Earth is covered by land.  The other 30% is covered by Jack Bauer.
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If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer could hijack a plane with a rubber ducky.
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It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
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Jack Bauer was in Al Capone's vault (he got out).
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It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
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On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
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There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
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The Sistine Chapel was the result of Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris having a food fight.
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Jack Bauer's gun was specifically made for him. If Chase or Tony ever fired it, the sheer power of it would cause their arm to rip off. That's why it's so loud, and also why every agent other than Jack gets injured.
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Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
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When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
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Jack Bauer cries when he watches "The Patriot."  Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
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The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer".  No matter who you are.
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What should you tell a terrorist that's been shot three times?  Nothing.  Jack Bauer already is about to ask him his first question.
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Jack Bauer&#x2019;s dog put a sign on his fence that read &#x201C;Beware of Jack.&#x201D;
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
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Of course Jack Bauer knows kung-fu. Just don't expect him to use it.
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Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
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Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
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Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat.  Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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The combination of Jack Bauer's yelling and David Palmer's soothing words can put any animal into heat.  
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Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
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Jack Bauer once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer goes out for dinner, he goes to the slaughterhouse.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
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Kim must have been adopted.  That's the only explanation.
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Jack Bauer's clothes dry in the washing machine.
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If the Vietkong caught Jack Bauer, they would still be torturing him by now. And he would still be smiling.
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Jack Bauer tried to play dogeball once, but ended up shooting each of his opponents nine times in the chest with what he considered to be, "a defensive manuever."
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The people at Konami refer "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" as 'Jack Bauer mode'.
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"Panic! At the Disco" was originally called "At the Disco". Then Jack Bauer showed up.
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Jack Bauer found and killed the last 0.1% of odor-causing bacteria.
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The soup nazi gives Jack Bauer extra crackers.
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When Jack Bauer whispers something in Lil Jon's ear, he does not say "WHAT?!"
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When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.
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Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
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In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer.  He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half.  One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer.  The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as "The Big Bang...

Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
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The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their school yard game. Fuck Superman.

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Jack Bauer was the first kid in his kindergarten class to have a five o'clock shadow and receding hairline.

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It's a little known fact that a book was written loosely based on the life of Jack Bauer. That book was the Bible. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a gun to kill terrorists, guns just want in on the action.
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Jack Bauer can beat Contra on NES without entering the cheat code.
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Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
%
Jack Bauer didn't need braces. His teeth were too scared to step out of line.
%
When Kim Bauer was a little girl, Jack Bauer did not sing her any lullabies. Jack Bauer choked her to sleep.
%
Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
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Jack Bauer once ran out of bullets while trapped in a terrorist camp. He cut off his own toes and loaded them in a clip. Ten shots, ten kills.
%
Jack Bauer can alphabetize M&amp;M's.
%
Jack Bauer smiling is like a rattlesnake coiling for a strike.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have time for White-Out to dry before writing over it.
%
Jack Bauer found a magic lamp on a deserted island. He wished he could kill a terrorist, then wished the terrorist back to life so he could kill him again.
%
Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation.  He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
%
The only reason CSI exists in Las Vegas is because Jack Bauer lives in Los Angeles.
%
Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
%
If Jack Bauer ever lived in Russia, the Mafia would either move to Antarctica, or never exist.
%
Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
%
Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
%
Jack Bauer added his own face to Mount Rushmore.  Barehanded.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't wait for the bus, the bus waits for Jack Bauer.
%
Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.
%
Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
%
Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
%
Since 2001, the year 24 premiered, terrorist deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
%
If Jack Bauer has sex with you, you won't stand straight for a week.
%
Jack Bauer's penis was the inspiration for the Washington Monument.
%
You've heard of one man bands. Jack Bauer is a one man orchestra.
%
Jack Bauer makes his own clothes out of the stomach lining of former terrorists.
%
Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child.  He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
%
Jack Bauer has neither a father nor a mother. He was constructed by the CIA as the result of the Ultimate Weapon project.  
%
Jack Bauer can kill 17 people with a six-shooter without reloading.
%
Driving your car over a cliff is not enough to compensate the fact that you betrayed Jack Bauer. Heller deserved worse.
%
Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn't give him the information he wanted.
%
The reason why Jack Bauer hasn't caught all of America's Most Wanted...he doesn't want to take away American jobs.
%
You don't wanna say "Hello" to Jack Bauer's little friend.
%
The only reason Audrey Reins sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't read the news... he beats it out of reporters.
%
Jack Bauer didn't do drugs to stay undercover, he did drugs to fund terrorism. Jack Bauer is running out of terrorist asses to kick.
%
For Jack Bauer, IKEA puts it together.
%
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
%
If Jack Bauer told you Bush was doing a good job, you'd believe it.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer didn't really need a hacksaw.
%
If you sit at a poker game with Jack Bauer, look around the table, and can't decide who the sucker is, you're probably dead now. 
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Jack Bauer can eat 7 Saltines in a minute and then wash them down with a gallon of milk.
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Jack Bauer kills more people per day than cancer.
%
You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
%
If Jack Bauer was in Final Destination, Death would try to cheat him.
%
Every year, atomic clocks are adjusted to Jack Bauer time.
%
Jack Bauer once faked his own death by hiding in the stomach of Edgar Stiles for 2 seasons solely surviving on Big Macs and Krispy Kreme donuts. 
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The Chinese didn't admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said "That tickled."
%
When Jack Bauer looks at Edgar, he is temporarily unretarded. 
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The only reason Michael Jordan finally retired is because Jack Bauer wanted to join the NBA for recreation.
%
Jack refuses to play the lottery. It just wouldn't be fair to the millions of other players.
%
Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
%
Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
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Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but  realized his mistake and shot the President.  Jack Bauer is never wrong.
%
People dont go to Jack Bauer's house for halloween because he hands out cans of whoop-ass to everybody.
%
A man once told Jack Bauer that guns should be banned. Historians agree that this is the worst mistake anyone has ever made in the history of the world.
%
Chase once asked Jack Bauer if he was having a case of the Mondays. This is the real reason Jack cut Chase's hand off.
%
Jack Bauer eats pieces of shit like Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel for breakfast.
%
Jack Bauer can eat a bag of Doritos and not get cheese on his fingers.
%
When Jack Bauer signs up for a free ipod online, they actually give him one.
%
All Video games now feature four difficulty levels: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer...No one has ever beaten the game on Jack Bauer.
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Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
%
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
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Jack Bauer always goes for it on 4th down.
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Jack Bauer does not have enemies, just people who he has to kill.
%
Jack Bauer screwed Money Penny and sent James Bond the satellite pictures as a joke.
%
Jack Bauer never gets cavities, tooth decay is afraid to go in his mouth.
%
Jack Bauer controls the Matrix, he chose Neo to be the one because Jack Bauer doesn't like playing computer games.
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When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time."
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Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one. 
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Jack Bauer once took steroids to try and shrink his giant fucking balls... It didn't work.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need your recommendation, he can find his own fucking job.
%
Jack Bauer shot the sheriff and the deputy.
%
Jack Bauer once took Kim to the zoo. When they approached
the cougar cage, poor Kim screamed.

Ten minutes later, the cougars were dead.
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Jack Bauer doesn't follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Bauer asks, and you'd better tell. Or else.
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There once was a terrorist cell planning an attack on United States soil. CTU got wind of this and naturally sent Jack Bauer to "recon" the base and call for additional reinforcements if needed. Upon arrival at said encampment, Jack saw that the head...
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Jack Bauer smashed a mirror because he thought a terrorist was trying to impersonate him.
%
If Jack Bauer were 50 Cent, Ja Rule would be rapping about butterflies and ponies.
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Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

%
Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
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When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
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If you meet anyone who's an optimist, they have obviously never met Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer plays Mortal Kombat, every move is a fatality. And Friendships don't exist.
%
Jack Bauer does not need a gun to kill people. He might as well torture you into killing yourself.
%
The sole job of the Verizon wireless "can you hear me now" guy is to make sure Jack Bauer always has cell phone reception.  The fate of the US and all of the free world depends upon it.
%
The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army.
%
If you are ever going to testify against a crime, make sure Jack Bauer doesn't know because he may saw off your head in order to gain a "legit" cover with the bad guys. 
%
Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key.
%
Jack Bauer takes more shots then Allen Iverson.
%
When God said, "Let there be light," it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.
%
Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Jack Bauer" by their girlfriends during sex.
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Jack Bauer goes from 0-to-kill in less than 3 seconds.
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Every time a cell phone rings, Jack Bauer has just put a bullet in a terrorists head.
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Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
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Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
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It ain't over until the fat lady sings, and Jack Bauer is the fat lady.
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Jack Bauer was born after he performed a Cesearean section on his own mother.
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God didn't rest on the 7th day of Creation.  He created Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer can eat flour and shit cupcakes. 
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Sometimes Jack Bauer likes to play dogeball with little kids.  Not with a ball, but actually throwing little kids at each other.
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Jack Bauer is the REAL father of Britney Spear's baby.  And Angelina Jolie's.  And Katie Holmes'.  When Audrey finds out, she'll be okay with it....
%
Regular people open cans of whoop ass. Whoop ass opens cans of Jack Bauer.
%
If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
%
Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
%
Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
%
Hallmark would never go out of business if Jack Bauer had to send condolence cards to the families of the terrorists he's killed.
%
Jack Bauer wrote the top five entries on this list.
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Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars."  Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
%
Jack Bauer seats himself at restaurants.
%
Jack Bauer would have finished his hunting partner off if he were in Dick Cheney's position.
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The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.
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Jack Bauer's semen cures breast cancer, but thats not why women crave it.
%
Jack Bauer takes Viagra to keep his blood pressure up.
%
If Jack Bauer had 20, and the dealer had an Ace, Jack would always double down.
%
Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
%
When Conan O'Brien pulls the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever," a clip from the show is shown.  When Jack Bauer pulls it, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
%
Jack Bauer puts the 'terror' in terrorists.
%
If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
%
Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
Jack Bauer only uses wireless technology. Not because he's rich, but because wires remind him of Chuck Norris' penis.
%
Jack Bauer is such a bad ass that as a Boy Scout he earned all his merit badges in one day.
%
Al Roker lost all the weight because Jack Bauer scared the crap out of him.
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When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer. 
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You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.
%
Colonel Samuels of the Coral Snake said it best, "Jack Bauer was a Bourne Killer."
%
Jack Bauer tortured and killed Winnie The Pooh because he hid his honey in a tree that was next door to the place where the friend of a daughter of a coworker of a terrorist had her car washed. Jack just wanted to be thorough.
%
Jack Bauer wanted a pet, so he borrowed Seigfried and Roy's.
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Its no coincidence that Jack Bauer rhymes with power.
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Jack Bauer&#x2019;s healing factor is so powerful he doesn&#x2019;t brush his teeth at night. Jack Bauer just punches all his teeth out his mouth and grows a new set by next morning.
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At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack's bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.
%
Jack Bauer always wins Pong in one move.
%
Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris look like he belongs hosting The View.
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While running through a California desert ten years ago, Jack Bauer cut himself and a single drop of blood fell to the ground.  Today they call that desert the Redwood National Forest.
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Jack Bauer once asked a terrorist who the boss was.  The terrorist replied Tony Danza. Outraged, Jack shot ripped the mans intestines out. Tony Danza is a pussy.
%
Jack Bauer beats the crap into terrorists.


%
Little known fact: All the fatalities in Mortal Kombat were based on Jack's moves &amp; torture tactics.
%
Zeus is the Greek word for 'Jack Bauer'.
%
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
%
Why did 9/11 happen? Because Jack Bauer was on his day off.
%
While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
%
Bulletproof vests are made out of Jack Bauer's skin. They just call it Teflon to fool terrorists into thinking they actually have a chance.
%
If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
%
Wheaties once asked Jack Bauer to be on the cover of their cereal box. However Jack turned them down. We all know he never eats.
%
The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States is because Jack Bauer is still single.
%
The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
%
Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
%
Jack Bauer has fucked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
%
The Ice Age only occured because Jack Bauer was giving God the cold shoulder.
%
Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Ashton Kutcher got Punk'd by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer double dips.
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Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
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Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer.  Jack Bauer hates moles.
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Jack Bauer does sleep.  Sometimes when he is killing terrorists, he is actually sleep walking.
%
No one says "Who's your daddy?" to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
%
Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
%
Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
%
Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
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"The Man" is derived from "Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
%
Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
%
The coyote hired Jack Bauer to catch the road runner. Jack Bauer ate them both.
%
When Jack Bauer "goes dark" all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.
%
Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
%
If you read Jack Bauer's files, you are about to lose your eyes.
%
When Jack Bauer went camping and told ghost stories, everybody there died.
%
Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon".  Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to...

But statistics don't lie.
%
If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see.  Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
%
Congress is only in session when Jack Bauer is out of town, otherwise nothing would get done. People don't work well in fear.
%
Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
%
Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
%
Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
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Jack Bauer ran into an elephant, then the elephant fell down.
%
Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
%
The creation of the Chuck Norris fact generator was merely a tactical maneuver  by Jack Bauer in a successful attempt to lure out the enemy.
%
For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
%
When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
%
So far, Jack Bauer has said some variant of "Trust Me" 485,942 times during his televised adventures.
%
"Have it your way" wasn't a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in.  Jack Bauer fucking hates tomatoes.
%
Kobe Bryant will pass the ball when Jack Bauer tells him to.
%
Satellites aren't in orbit. They're trying to get away from Jack Bauer but can't.
%
Jack Bauer jumped in bed with a girl named Katrina&#x2026; sorry New Orleans.
%
Chase Edmunds, Curtis Manning, and Mike Doyle have all tried to become the next Jack Bauer. We all know what happened to them.
%
Hilter killed himself only after he learned that Jack Bauer was coming after him.
%
Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
%
When Bush says that we will find weapons of mass destruction, you know he is lying. If Jack does not want to be found he wont be found. 
%
The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
%
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
%
There is no leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. Jack Bauer shot it seven times, interrogating it for information relevant to the location of a nuclear warhead.
%
Jack Bauer jousted Sir Lancelot with a toothpick.  And won.
%
No one brings Jack Bauer to justice.  If he goes in a car with authorities, it is because he wanted them to drive him to that location.
%
Step-by-step on how to beat Jack Bauer:
1. Don't try.
%
Running away from Jack Bauer is like trying to kill him. You're a fucking retard for even thinking of doing so.
%
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
%
Jack Bauer is the only man who can exceed a buddy list limit... without the help of Chloe.
%
Jack Bauer joined Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs because thought the SEALs were too soft, with them playing on the beach all the time.
%
Professional wrestler "Mr. Perfect" did not die due to a heart attack. He was killed when Jack Bauer found out someone was using his assumed alias as a stage name.
%
When Jack Bauer was tortured by the terrorists in season two, he was humiliated. For his revenge, he tea bagged every terrorist to death.
%
Jack Bauer knows the answer to "Who is Mike Jones?".
%
Jack Bauer does not push the pedestrian walk sign button. He gets a "walk" signal by approaching the street.
%
Cops give red lights tickets for getting in Jack Bauer's way.
%
Jack Bauer's interpretation of the meaning of life is simple. End it.
%
Guys wearing a t-shirt "I'm with stupid" suddenly realize that the hand is showing upwards when they're standing next to Jack Bauer.
%
At last years Christmas party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived.
%
The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
%
When you go to hell, it's just a room with you and Jack.
%
Everyone wants to be on Jack Bauer's team when he plays multiplayer Rainbow Six online.
%
The Roman Empire fell because they saw into the future that one day a man known as "Jack Bauer" would be born. 
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fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.
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When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
%
Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
%
Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
%
After beating up Walt during filming of Season 5, Jack said "Looks like Walt Cummings is now Walt Goings."

While Tony Almeda was able to force a chuckle, Michelle Dessler and David Palmer didn't laugh.

The rest is history.
%
Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
%
If Jack Bauer shoots you with a Nerf gun, you're dead.
%
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store.  Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head.  This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
%
Priests confess to Jack Bauer.
%
One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
%
Jack Bauer did not fake his death to get away from the Chinese. He could own the entire country of China with his bare hands. No, he faked his death to get away from Audrey.
%
Jack Bauer can give an orgasm to a chair by sitting on it.
%
If Jack Bauer ever had to torture God to get information, he would.  Jack Bauer must protect CTU at all costs!
%
Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
%
Peanut butter doesn't stick to the roof of Jack Bauer's mouth.  It wouldn't dare.
%
When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.
%
If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
%
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's.  The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
%
Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?
%
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
%
You know Jesus is really mad at you when he says "Jack Damnit!"
%
Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
%
A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
%
The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
%
Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
%
Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
%
Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
%
Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
%
Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
%
The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
%
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "&lt; Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
%
When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
%
The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
%
Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
%
Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
%
The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
%
Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
%
Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
%
Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
%
Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
%
When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
%
Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
%
Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
%
When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
%
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
%
Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
%
When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
%
Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
%
The only reason outer-space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
%
Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you're saying.
%
Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
%
Despite Jack Bauer's protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:

A question on all job applications which reads: "Are you a mole?"
%
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

%
Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
%
Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
%
Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
%
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
%
Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
%
Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
%
Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
%
Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
%
When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
%
Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
%
Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
%
Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
%
If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
%
Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
%
Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
%
If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
%
The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
%
Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
%
The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song "Raining Blood" about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
%
Someone told Jack Bauer to "kill the lights." I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
%
Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
%
Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
%
When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
%
Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
%
When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
%
In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
%
Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
%
When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
%
If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
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People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there&#x2019;s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
%
Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
%
At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
%
There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
%
They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
%
People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
%
Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
%
It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
%
If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
%
The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
%
The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
%
Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
%
Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
%
Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
%
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
%
Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
%
Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
%
We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer doesn't require a whole group of men to perform bukkake on you, just himself.
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If Jack Bauer says "your constitutional rights no longer apply," not even the President can overturn his decision.
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Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 

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Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.
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Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
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Jack Bauer cancelled "Walker, Texas Ranger".
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Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn't recommend Trident.
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Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as Easter.
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Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
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"I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
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Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry.  You won't like him when he is angry.
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Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
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The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
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The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
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Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
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Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
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Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
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An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
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Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
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To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
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'Flank 2' actually means, "Stand down CTU, I've got this under control."
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In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad.  That little boy's name?  Stephen Hawking.
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Jack Bauer once won a boxing match agaisnt Rocky.  With his hands tied behind his back.
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The real reason the NHL ended the lockout last summer was not because the owners and players finally agreed to a contract. It was because Jack Bauer wanted to see some hockey games (when he wasn't killing terrorists).
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Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.
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If you dare read Jack's file, the first thing he's going to do is cut out your left eye...
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Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours. 
%
Jack Bauer killed Jack Black for using the slogan "Jack is Back" during the super bowl commercial. 
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Jack Bauer understands the words that are coming out of Chris Tucker's mouth, but it's just easier to shoot him.
%
Jack Bauer made Heather Brooke gag.
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Jack Bauer never gets the watery stuff when using ketchup from the bottle, even if he doesn't shake it first.
%
When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
%
Jack Bauer beats Koreans in Starcraft.
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When Jack Bauer shoots his load, his wife has to wear a kevlar vest.  
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Kim is an Ashlee Simpson fan.  It's the only reason she is on the radio.
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Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking. 
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Jack Bauer won a date with Tad Hamilton, and within 2 minutes of being tortured by Jack Bauer, he admitted he was gay.
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Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Ray Charles went blind after getting his eyes gauged out by Jack Bauer after refusing to give up the location of his heroin stash.
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Prior to joining the CTU, Jack Bauer was expelled from Culinary Institue of America for shooting three of the head instructors... They didn't have enough thyme.
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What happens in Jack Bauer's interrogation room stay's in Jack Bauer's interrogation room.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
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Jack Bauer had his name legally changed to avoid attention. His given name: Fear Itself. 
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The immunity idol on Exile Island is Jack Bauer.
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How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner.

His OWN ribs.
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It can be assumed that while reading these facts Jack Bauer has fucked your wife and probably stolen your horse. 
%
You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
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Jack Bauer gives Tylenol a headache.
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If a company sends Jack Bauer a letter that says, "You may have already won $1,000,000" then they better give Jack a million dollars.
%
Jack whispered in Nina's ear, "It's 24 inches, bitch".
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Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
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The US currency was going to read, "In Jack Bauer We Trust," but the government demanded a separation between church and state.
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Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer cannot be shot by bullets, he can interrogate the bullets in the middle of the air into not hitting him. 
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In season 5, Jack Bauer actually gave the terrorists the right code for the nerve gas, it was just too scared to go off in his presence.
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Kim Bauer's breasts get their genetic perfection from their exact duplicates -- Jack Bauer's testicles.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

Someone once tried to stab Jack Bauer with a knife. The knife bled to death.
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Jack Bauer's penis is 3 inches, from the ground.
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Three terrorists committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay when they heard Jack Bauer was coming to interrogate the prisoners.
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If Jack Bauer were a soup, it would be called "Cream of Death"
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If Jack Bauer is in love with you, and you're married, be prepared to bury your spouse in the name of National Security.
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When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his shit is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.
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How does Federal Agent Jack Bauer eat a Reese's peanut butter cup?

First he shoots it, checks for a pulse, interrogates it,and then he eats it.
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Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
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Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
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Einstein copied off Jack Bauer's work. Too bad they were the ones in his garbage.
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By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
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If you're playing CounterStrike and Jack Bauer is on the other team, don't buy the AWP.  All you're doing is saving him $4500 bucks.
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Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
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Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
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There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
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Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
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For Jack Bauer, everything on Wendy's menu costs a dollar.
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Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
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Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
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When Jack Bauer has no other option, he tortures someone. He has yet to have a second option.
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Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vaca...
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Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
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When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
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The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
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Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
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Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says "here are my weapons". If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag. 
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When Jack Bauer plays Texas Hold-em he only gets one card, "to keep it fair". 
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Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way".
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Paul saved Jack Bauer's life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
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Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
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The TV Series "The Shield" was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be included in Counterstrike, but was left out because no one wanted to be a terrorist.
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The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked. 
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Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
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On Valentines Day, Jack Bauer likes to watch "Saw" with his girlfriend.  When asked why, he said he finds it "soothing and sweet." 
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Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet. 
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Jack bauer doesn't eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
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When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
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Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
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God created the universe in 6 days.  That&#x2019;s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
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Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
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Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you.  Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
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Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
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The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.
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Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.
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Sure Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase's hand - the hand that touched his daughter.
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Jesus wasn't crucified by the Romans. He had information that Jack Bauer needed.
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If Jack Bauer was in Star Wars, the Emperor would have to bow to him or die, Anakin would have died during child birth, Yoda would be his hand puppet, and George Lucas would have 4 broken fingers so he couldn't make Episodes 1, 2, and 3.
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Jack Bauer did not answer questions in school. He asked them.
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If Jack Bauer were a burger at McDonald's, he would be called the McDeath.
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Jack Bauer has recently been appointed as the new head of the Danish complaints department in Pakistan.  They request that people take a number so they can order the correct number of body bags.
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The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
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I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
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Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
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In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.  
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Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
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Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs.  The old SATs.
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Most people sleep with both eyes closed.  Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open.  As for Jack Bauer... he doesn't sleep at all.  Sleep is for the weak.
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Executions by lethal injection are carried out using Jack Bauer's semen.
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In space no one can hear you scream, no one except Jack Bauer.
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Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
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Jack Bauer has never lost The Game. Jack Bauer invented The Game
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Jack Bauer knows why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.
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Jack Bauer's favorite air freshener scent is "vanilla napalm".
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Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
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Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
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On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko. 
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When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
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Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
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Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
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At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
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Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
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If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
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Jack Bauer actually found two identical snowflakes.
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Jack Bauer's swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle.
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The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
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Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
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Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
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The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
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When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
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Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
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When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
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When a girl does not make Jack Bauer finish, she gets blue balled.
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Jack Bauer's hotmail account never expires.
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Much like a Super Saiyan, Jack Bauer can turn off his badassedness at will.  It's why he's able to have relationships with people like Kate Warner and Audrey without killing them.
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At age 3, Jack Bauer tortured his mother and father until they revealed the location of the hidden cookie jar.
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Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
%
Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
%
What is the sound of one hand clapping? The *smack* of Jack Bauer's open hand across the face of some hysterical woman in the middle of a crisis.
%
The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill. 
%
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
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Freddy and Jason disappointed millions of fans when their fight ended up in a tie. Little do these fans know, the winner was supposed to face Jack Bauer.
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Paul Raines didn't die from his injuries.  He died of pure amazement when he saw the one and only Jack Bauer trying  resuscitate him.
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Jesus once turned water into wine.  Jack Bauer beat him to the brink of death for threatening the world's water supply and then demanded to know who he was working for.
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The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
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Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
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Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.

fortune/jackbauer view on Meta::CPAN

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When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
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A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
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When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
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On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
%
Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
%
Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
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If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
%
Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
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Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need Viagra. He chooses to ejaculate quickly simply because there's not enough time.
%
When the going gets tough, the tough get Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't tea bag girls, Jack Bauer potato sacks girls.
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Since Jack Bauer and Kobe Bryant live in Los Angeles, they commonly switch jobs. What else could explain "Kobe" scoring 81 points.
%
If Jack Bauer was in Independance Day it would have been called The 1st of July.
%
Jack Bauer was in last years season of "Skating with Celebrities".  The show never aired because he hid in the air ducts, then killed everyone and faked his own death.
%
"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
%
Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
%
Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.
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Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
%
If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
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If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
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The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
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Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.
%
There once 'was' a man from Nantucket.  Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds.
No matter what the traffic situation is.
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When Jack Bauer said "show me your head" he was actually telling the terrorist to show him his head. The terrorist knew that getting killed by bullet was a much better result than ignoring a command from Jack Bauer. 
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Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.
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David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
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Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
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To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber.  Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
%
When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.  This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglas...
%
Jack Bauer once poked the Pillsbury Doughboy, it died.
%
Mya Driscoll didn't commit suicide. The lesson: Don't fire Jack Bauer.


%
Jack Bauer shaves the sights off his guns, they get in his way when he is trying to shoot.
%
If there is one thing Jack Bauer hates as much as terrorists, it's protocol.
%
Jack bauer know's where the beef is.
%
Jack Bauer can break eleven fingers at once, good thing you only have ten.
%
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
%
There's only one man Jack Bauer can trust, and no it's not Tony Almeda.  It's Jack Bauer, of course.
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Jack Bauer could make the Knicks reach the playoffs.
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If Jack Bauer ever runs for president, he will be the first person in history to ever have 100% of the votes.
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