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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.  
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Osama asked for a truce because he heard Jack Bauer got his address.. and is coming for dinner.
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If Jack Bauer had killed Jesus, there never would have been a resurrection.
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Once, Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
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JB is the most dangerous element on the periodic table of elements.
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Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.
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Texas doesn't mess with Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
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When Jack Bauer goes to Baskin Robbins, he chooses from any flavor he wants.  No one limits Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer wrote the "Davinci Code". Not the stupid book, but the actual code.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a belt.  He demands that his pants stay up.
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Killing is Jack Bauer's anti-drug.
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Jack Bauer was removed from Counter-strike by Valve because the counter-terrorists always won. Always.
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For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer doesn't give you a candies shaped like a heart,  He gives you your Ex's heart.
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Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
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GO passes Jack Bauer to give him 200 dollars.
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Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has more extra lives than Super Mario.
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If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
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The Japanese surrendered during World War II because it was rumored that President Truman would give Jack Bauer 48 hours to complete the downfall of Japan.
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When Jack Bauer makes popcorn, he gets no unpopped kernels. The kernels are afraid of what Jack might do to them if they don't pop.
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The only purpose of the airbag in Jack Bauer's car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Jack's face.
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Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
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The universe was not created by GOD, or the big bang theory.  It was actually created when Jack Bauer survived a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face and then removed norris's intestines.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the life expectancy of all Middle Eastern countries has been shortened by fifty years.
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Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.
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Jack Bauer got Tyler Durden to talk about Fight Club. Then Jack beat the piss out of him.
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Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird.  Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.
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If Jack Bauer had been flying the plane in "Top Gun", Goose wouldn't have died.
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The only person that injures Jack Bauer is Jack Bauer.
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When President Palmer was in office, he had three phones: the regular phone, the red phone, and the Jack Bauer phone. Whenever there was a national crisis, guess which phone he used and here's a hint: it wasn't the red phone.
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Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway.  The bomb just gave him an excuse.
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When playing hide-and-go-seek with terrorists, Jack Bauer counts to infinity before kicking their asses.
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If Jack Bauer were to run for President, he would be the nomination for both parties and win with 100% of the votes.
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Jack Bauer stole every condom in the world. Why? Because he realized he's running out of people to kill. 
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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.
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Monday nights when your power goes out its because the mass majority of women and some men are all using their vibrators at the same time.
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Having sex with Jack Bauer has also been called "Lethal Injection."  
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Jack Bauer's hairline is registered as a deadly weapon. 
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In 2003, the suicide rate for dentists reached 45.9%, an all time high. That's because in 2003, Jack Bauer had a cavity.
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Vampires dress up as Jack Bauer for Halloween.
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Ashton Kutcher got Punk'd by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer double dips.
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Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
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Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer.  Jack Bauer hates moles.
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Jack Bauer does sleep.  Sometimes when he is killing terrorists, he is actually sleep walking.
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No one says "Who's your daddy?" to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
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Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
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Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
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Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
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"The Man" is derived from "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
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Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
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The coyote hired Jack Bauer to catch the road runner. Jack Bauer ate them both.
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When Jack Bauer "goes dark" all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.
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Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
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If you read Jack Bauer's files, you are about to lose your eyes.
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When Jack Bauer went camping and told ghost stories, everybody there died.
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Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon".  Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to...

But statistics don't lie.
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If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see.  Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer can mix oil and water.
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The presidents wife shows a lot of cleavage because Jack Bauer demands it.
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To successfully interrogate Audrey Rains, all Jack Bauer will have to do is go "all the way in." 
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Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
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Jack played kickball once when he was a little boy. Now, somewhere, there is a man with "Spalding" imprinted on his face.
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Jack Bauer can do the Moonwalk on water.
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The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
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At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
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When she was 5, Kim Bauer was stung by a bee.  Jack Bauer spent the next 24 hours tracking down the bee and infiltrating the hive.  After stuffing a towel down the throat of the perpetrator, he shot up the entire hive and murdered the queen.

This scene was later recreated during Season One of 24.  The bee was played by Dennis Hopper.
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A long time ago a man disrespected Jack Bauer; coincidentally, that man was found dead the next day with two bullets in his chest, his hand chopped off, and a towel lodged deep down his throat.  
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Jack Bauer wouldnt need a hydrolic press, he could kill a terminator with his bare hands.
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Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O'Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie "Kazaam" and think that O'Neal is Middle Eas...
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The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
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The real reason whales beach themselves? Jack Bauer occasionally goes swimming.
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If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again. 
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Jack Bauer likes to go bowling on the weekends.  By bowling I mean "Killing" and by on the weekends I mean "Anytime he feels like it."
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If Jack Bauer had been in "The Terminator", Arnold would have never been back.
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The real reason the Chappelle show went of the air is that Dave Chappelle saw what Jack Bauer did to Chappelle in season 3 of 24. Dave knew it was only a matter of time before Jack Bauer learned he was a Muslim, so went into hiding to save his ass. B...
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Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to "establish a perimeter", he is the perimeter.
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If you're being interrogated and you hear Jack say "hacksaw", say goodbye to your head.
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The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
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Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look close, through the dust, you'll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledge hammer.
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A black cat crossed Jack Bauer's path and was promptly hit by a car.
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If you ever need a country annihilated, call Jack Bauer and tell him that Kim was kidnapped and killed there.
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Bauer clotheslined a chick in Peru with his erection, while walking in Chicago.
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Superman sees his reflection in kryptonite and sees he isn't Jack Bauer, hence the weakness.
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Jack Bauer got Ray Charles to see.
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If Jack Bauer was captured by cannibals, sushi would be on the menu.
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Jack Bauer once played the game where he had to guess which of three cups a ball was under.  The ball promptly surrendered before he could speak.
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When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
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Jack Bauer took a shit and named it Steven Seagal.
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Don't ever say "Bite me!" to Jack Bauer.  He'll do it.
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In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide. 
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In the Mortal Kombat preliminary rounds, Goro had 6 arms when fighting Jack Bauer.  He still does;  4 on his body and 2 in his ass.
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Jack Bauer was once sent onto the TV show Survivor.  Once the contest began, Bauer shot everybody he was competing against and instead of giving him the million dollars the producers tried to send him to jail.  However, Jack Bauer is no longer tried ...
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The day will soon arrive that Jack Bauer's icy stare can cause a human head to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can checkmate without moving his pawns.
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No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
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The only reason Bill Gates doesn’t crush Apple is because Jack Bauer owns stock in it.
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In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
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Jack Bauer may not be able to turn water into wine. He does, however, turn men gay.
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Give me liberty or give me Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer was nicknamed 'Fear' because the only thing you need to fear is fear itself.
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Jack Bauer doesn't work for the Department of Defense, Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
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During a game of poker, a Mexican told Jack Bauer, "You're bluffing."  Jack gauged out the Mexican's eyes with a poker chip and shoved a Joker card up the guy's urethra.  And then revealed a royal flush.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need TiVo. Whatever he wants to watch is on TV anytime he turns it on.
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When YOU have the remote, you’re watching whatever the fuck Jack Bauer's watching.
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Jack Bauer didn't invent torture, he perfected it.
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Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can get the ketchup out of the old glass bottles.
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If Jack Bauer was killed, God would wake up in a cold sweat and realize he was just having a nightmare. 
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When playing Snakes and Ladders, Jack Bauer climbs the snakes and eats the ladders.
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Despite being an all-perfect being, Jack Bauer's vision is 24/24. The good Lord felt it was both ironic and cute.
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When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
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After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the sun, but around his gigantic balls.

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Jack Bauer. When you absolutely, positively need to kill every motherfucking terrorist in the city. Accept no subsitute.
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Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
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Jack bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
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