view release on metacpan or  search on metacpan

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer doesn't just think 'outside of the box'. He breaks out of it. And sometimes, he has to sneak into the box, just to break back out.
%
In his college days at UCLA, Jack Bauer was the towel boy for the football team. There were no survivors.
%
When Jack Bauer learned how much radiaton George Mason had been exposed to he shrugged and stated: "That's the amount I have for breakfast actually."
%
In God we trust , but God trusts Jack Bauer.
%
When Jack Bauer crosses the street and cars don't stop, Jack Bauer doesn't get run down; the cars get stood up.
%
Jack Bauer was the only person that voted for Palmer.
%
The only true defense against Jack Bauer is a mirror.
%
A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
%
Jack Bauer's version of "making love" is not shooting you after he fucks you.
%
The FBI and CIA both use the show "24" as their primary training videos. Our investigators are still trying to decern what was used before 2001.
%
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.  It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
%
Jack Bauer's favorite Sportscenter anchor is Scott Van Pelt because his last name reminds him of what he likes to do to terrorists with bullets.
%
Jack Bauer does not wash his clothes. Jack Bauer's clothes stay clean for fear of reprisals.
%
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
%
Jack Bauer rewrote the dictionary and took out the words "cruel", "unusual", and "punishment".
%
It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
%
Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
%
Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
%
When Jack Bauer goes bowling, he uses a decapitated terrorist's head as a ball.
%
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
%
Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
%
Eve was created from Adam's rib. Adam was created from Jack Bauer's toenail.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't use Icy Hot, he uses WD-40.
%
Jack Bauer's mother once caught him with his hand in the cookie jar when he was a child, he wanted the cookie, so he shot her.
%
Jack Bauer can get a homeless guy to say who he's working for.
%
Jack Bauer once passed a kidney stone so large that he called it Edgar and put it to work at CTU.
%
If Jack on Lost's last name was Bauer, he would've killed "The Others," the polar bear, and the monster, and he would've gotten everyone rescued.  However, the show would've lasted only one episode.
%
Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off?  It's called "Black Hawk Down".
%
Jack Bauer doesn't need to say goodbye when he hangs up. Everyone knows when he's finished talking.
%
George Mason once called Jack Bauer a "stupid chump." Years later he died in a nuclear blast.  This is no coincidence.
%
Jack Bauer's hotness is responsible for global warming.
%
The islamic word for death is "shamalamahmohammadjihad."  The literal english translation of this is "Jack Bauer."
%
Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper in expert mode with one click every time.
%
One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
%
Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol 10 terrorists cry.
%
Jack Bauer can draw a perfectly straight line without a ruler.
%
Only Jack Bauer can give hickeys that are to die for.
%
The only time Jack Bauer was seen eating,  was when he was eating Chuck Norris' leg after catching a roundhouse kick. Jack promptly spit it out. This is the worst pussy I've ever eaten.
%
Jack Bauer can go back to the future without going 88 miles an hour.
%
Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
%
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
%
Once, a man told Jack Bauer he was better than him. Just kidding. No one is that stupid.   
%
Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
%
You don't play with Jack Bauer action figures, they play with you.
%
When Jack Bauer goes into space, he weighs more.
%
Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man
%
As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
%
The only reason Jack Bauer gets captured by terrorists is to lure them into a false sense of security.  Then, when they get cocky, he can take them out with the soundwaves from his gruff voice. 
%
When Jack Bauer enters a restroom, the toilets urinate.
%
Jack Bauer once killed a room full of people because nobody blessed him when he sneezed.
%
Hardee's is considering renaming their Monster Thickburger - "The Jack Bauer Burger" - because with its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium - it could kill you.
%
Jack Bauer is the only man who doesn't suffer from shrinkage.
%
Jack Bauer can save any man, except Edgar Styles. May his soul Rest in Peace.
%
If you are not wearing underwear at this moment, then you are "going Jack Bauer".
%
Jack Bauer's vehicle has no less than 5 high-bandwidth military satellites following it at any time.  This enables him to stay updated on events at CTU in full-motion video.  Unfortunately, there were no more satellites available to keep track of Kim...
%
Jack Bauer is the thing that goes "bump" in the night.
%
Jack Bauer doesn't get older. He gets less young.
%
Jack Bauer is directly responsible for the peaceful resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
%
If Jack had been in Vietnam there would have been no need for napalm.
%
Knives merely bend when they come into contact with Jack Bauer's skin, unless he allows himself to be stabbed, in order to do even more badass shit.
%
When the tooth fairy looses a tooth, Jack Bauer leaves money under her pillow.