Acme-24

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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
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Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
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Michelle Desler found out that Jack Bauer was back in town, had an instant orgasm causing her car to explode. 
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Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
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Jack Bauer is the apex of human evolution.
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Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
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Jack Bauer's flatulence has been known to crumble a brick wall. Because of this, he no longer eats Mexican food.
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Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
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24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned. 
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Jack's 401K looks great with his best real estate investment - cemetary plots.  

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

If anyone haunts Satan's dreams, its Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer has the schematics of heaven on his PDA.
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The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer. 
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If Jack Bauer says 'This is not the right play', it's not the right play.
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Jack Bauer was able to find me a XBOX 360.
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When Martin Luther King had a dream, that dream was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once went to a religious retreat in high school, where, by the end of the weekend, everyone was singing, "Jack Bauer in the highest."
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Jack Bauer can do long division in his head.
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When Jack Bauer goes on "It's A Small World After All" at Disney, he gets extremely angry during the Bosnian, Turk, Mexican, Russian, Chinese, French and Arab sections, but otherwise enjoys the ride.
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When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
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Jack Bauer never wet his pants, he wet other kids pants to let them know when they were scared.
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During the childhood game "Duck, Duck, Goose", no one "goosed" Jack Bauer.  Ever.
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In 1996, Lance Armstrong got in a fight with Jack Bauer. Since then, Lance has only had one testicle...
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Jack Bauer was never taught to use his "indoor voice".
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Upon finding David Palmer's dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as "the Unit" and moved him to another network.  
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Mulder and Scully left the X-Files too soon. They would've realized that the truth is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer does not drive fast, his car is just always trying to get away.
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Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes.  Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
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Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
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Jack Bauer really did kill Victor Drazin the first time, but he brought him back to life so he could do it again.
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When Kennedy promised we would reach the moon, it was because he learned Jack Bauer had been born than morning.
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When asked why, he always answers, "because I'm Jack Bauer."
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Jack Bauer won in Tic-Tac-Toe in two moves.
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Jack Bauer once tried to become a surgeon, but he kept jamming the surgical scissors into the patients necks.
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An electromagnet didn't cause the plane to crash. Jack Bauer was in the luggage compartment and the pilot wouldn't listen to him.
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Jack Bauer is the reason men turn gay.
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Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
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Jack Bauer uses those he has killed as tax write offs.
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CTU was blown up in the second season of "24", but luckily, Jack Bauer was there to fix it simply by applying a piece of gum that he'd been chewing on.
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Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.
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Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school.  When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found.  Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents.
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When Jack Bauer is connected to a series of events that involves foreigners, they have to speak english even in their own homes. They have no choice, that is the way of things.
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American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
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Jack Bauer found his parents having sex, and tortured his father to learn of his primary objective.
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Jack Bauer eats Hotpockets as soon as they're done.
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In America, Jack Bauer kills you.

In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer kills you.
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When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
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Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton's tree.
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Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night. 

He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu.  Because he's hungry.
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On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he'll have made it forget him.
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Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
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When in the presense of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
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Jack Bauer didn't need to go back to the future to fix his mistakes. Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes.
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If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
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Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
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The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
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Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
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Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
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CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have IRS withholdings taken out of his check.  The IRS has Bauer Refund withholdings taken out of their funds.
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Jack Bauer fakes orgasms, nothing excites him more than killing.
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Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
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There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
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Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Fact: Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time.  Draw your own conclusions.
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When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn't fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
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It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.
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Jack Bauer didn't save money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. The gecko is now an endangered species.
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When Jack Bauer orders a pizza with toppings, he gets pepperoni and glass. 

He picks off the pepperoni.
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Jack Bauer doesn't lie.  He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
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Jack Bauer never has late fees on his videos.  
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If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If Jack Bauer gives you lemons, you'd better fucking make him some lemonade so that you have a chance of having life.
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When Skynet really wanted to make sure John Connor was killed, they didn't send a Terminator, they sent Jack Bauer.
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When someone on the airplane yelled "Hi Jack," Jack Bauer immediately mistook the statement for a terrorist attempting to take over the plane, and he killed him.  Lesson: Don't talk to Jack Bauer. He acts first and talks later.
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Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
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The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
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Jack Bauer can get terrorists to talk with the threat of feeding them to Edgar Stiles.
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There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
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You may want to think twice about ordering a double Jack and Coke.
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Jack Bauer made the Bermuda Triangle disappear.
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Jack Bauer's hair isn't cut short.  It's just too afraid to grow.
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When Jack Bauer drops the soap, black people pick it up.
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Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
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Nothing can get in between Jack fucking Bauer. Except for the word "fucking".
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a working watch, he only has a timer that is set on 15 minute intervals. Thus, he always assumes he is running out of time.
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Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
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Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
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If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
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Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
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Moses parted the Red Sea. The Red Sea would part for Jack.
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Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
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Jack Bauer framed Roger Rabbit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need money, "I give you my word," is enough.
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When Jack Bauer makes love, he does it with a knife to your throat.

Just to be safe.
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On April 15, the IRS pays taxes to Jack Bauer.
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Never bring Jack Bauer into your home. You will be arrested for possesion of a weapon of mass destruction.
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Jack Bauers' bowels don't move. He sits on the toilet and scares the shit out of himself.
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Due to his inability to get drunk off anything other than the misplaced trust of those weaker than himself, Jack Bauer has been the undisputed CTU beer pong champion for the last twelve years.
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The first piece of luggage to appear on the baggage carousel belongs to Jack Bauer.  
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Jack Bauer cooks his three minute flapjacks in two minutes.
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Jack Bauer can eat hotwings without napkins.
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Jack Bauer crosses 8 Mile without a single word said to him. 
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When Jack Bauer talks in his sleep, he sets precedents for the Supreme Court.
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When Tony Montana said "Say hello to my little friend," he meant Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kill Tony for calling him little. For Jack Bauer, a "little" goes a long way.
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Jack Bauer once tortured a Pokemon and actually got one to speak.
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Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
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Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
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Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
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Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him. 
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Jack Bauer never lets go of your Eggo.
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Jack Bauer can smell carbon mononxide.
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The Swiss Army Knife MacGuyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.
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The Ghostbusters call Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.  
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Gas prices in California never rise for Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer never craps because Jack Bauer never eats. Simple, is it not?
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Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.
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As a kid, Jack Bauer molested priests.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes. He makes more chances to kill.
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Jack Bauer always exercises inside his target heart rate.
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Jack Bauer didn't fire his boss. He terminated him.
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Saddam wasn't found by the military.  He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
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Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
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James Bond's "License to Kill" was given to him by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer's penis is so large that the head has only seen the balls in pictures.
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A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him. 
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The term "power hour" has been replaced by "bauer hour".
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.
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Although no one can make Ashlee Simpson actually sing, Jack Bauer can make her talk.
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Dr House once told Jack Bauer that "House" could kick 24's ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
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When someone says "Hijack!" they are literally saying hi to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to click the New Fact or the F5 button.
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Clint Eastwood knows Jack Bauer is always feeling lucky.
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Jack Bauer got the dark side and light side to join him.
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Jack Bauer has died twice. That's also a real fact.
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For most people, a red light means stop. To Jack Bauer, it means go faster.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
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Had the US decided to drop Jack Bauer on Hiroshima or Nagasaki instead of the nukes, the Japanese would have had no chance to surrender, as they would have all been killed in the initial blast. The Japanese should consider themselves lucky.
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When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
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In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
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There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
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Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack's arrival.
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Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2
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Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
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If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.  Somebody is going to die.
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Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
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Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white.  The first example of this ability is Eminem.
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When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn't shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he'd had more time to do to her before killing her.
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Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
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When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher's would never come out of their holes.  
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There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
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When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
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Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
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Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
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If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
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Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
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Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
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Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
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The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
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Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands. 
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We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
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Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.
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Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
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If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
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Jack Bauer doesn't require a whole group of men to perform bukkake on you, just himself.
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If Jack Bauer says "your constitutional rights no longer apply," not even the President can overturn his decision.
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Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 

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Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.
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Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
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Jack Bauer cancelled "Walker, Texas Ranger".
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Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn't recommend Trident.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way".
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Paul saved Jack Bauer's life. In turn Jack let Paul die because nobody saves Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer.
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Ron Burgundy was wrong... San Diego, in fact, was named after Jack Bauer.
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The TV Series "The Shield" was based on a wet dream Jack Bauer told a friend about.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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Jack Bauer always finishes last. The ladies like it that way.
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Jack Bauer was supposed to be included in Counterstrike, but was left out because no one wanted to be a terrorist.
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The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked. 
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Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
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On Valentines Day, Jack Bauer likes to watch "Saw" with his girlfriend.  When asked why, he said he finds it "soothing and sweet." 
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Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet. 
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Jack bauer doesn't eat food, he interrogates it until it jumps into his mouth.
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When cans of whoop-ass get angry, they open a can of Jack Bauer.
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Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
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God created the universe in 6 days.  That’s 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
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Jack Bauer's idea of a vaction is killing 65 terrorists in another country.
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Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
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Jack Bauer will hurt you before he kills you.  Luckily, you have the choice of how much you want it to hurt.
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Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
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The only reason Panic! At the Disco gave themselves that name was beacuse Jack Bauer showed up at their disco.
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Jack Bauer can make Minute Rice in less than a minute.
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Sure Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase's hand - the hand that touched his daughter.
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Jesus wasn't crucified by the Romans. He had information that Jack Bauer needed.
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If Jack Bauer was in Star Wars, the Emperor would have to bow to him or die, Anakin would have died during child birth, Yoda would be his hand puppet, and George Lucas would have 4 broken fingers so he couldn't make Episodes 1, 2, and 3.
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Jack Bauer did not answer questions in school. He asked them.
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If Jack Bauer were a burger at McDonald's, he would be called the McDeath.
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Jack Bauer has recently been appointed as the new head of the Danish complaints department in Pakistan.  They request that people take a number so they can order the correct number of body bags.
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The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer considers hooking a car battery up to his testicles foreplay.
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I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under Jack Bauer, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
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Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
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In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.  
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Jack Bauer pees blind folded, and shits standing up straight. Just because he wants a challenge.
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Jack Bauer scored a 2400 on the SATs.  The old SATs.
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Most people sleep with both eyes closed.  Some people are believed to sleep with one eye open.  As for Jack Bauer... he doesn't sleep at all.  Sleep is for the weak.
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Executions by lethal injection are carried out using Jack Bauer's semen.
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In space no one can hear you scream, no one except Jack Bauer.
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Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
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Jack Bauer has never lost The Game. Jack Bauer invented The Game
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Jack Bauer knows why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.
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Jack Bauer's favorite air freshener scent is "vanilla napalm".
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Jack Bauer killed the bartender for giving him a drink when he asked for a screwdriver.
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Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
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On the Price is Right, you can win up to $50,000 playing Plinko. Jack Bauer on the other hand, won $350,000 from Plinko. 
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When Jack Bauer graduated UCLA, UCLA got a degree in Criminology and Law.
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Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.
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Jack was trained as an anaesthetist, but failed his finals because he preferred the rapid effectiveness of the "knock-out punch".
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At the end of his life, Jack Bauer will have died a minimum of three times.
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Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
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If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
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Jack Bauer actually found two identical snowflakes.
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Jack Bauer's swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle.
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The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
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Hannibal Lecter once had dinner with Jack Bauer. Lecter is now a vegetarian.
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Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.
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The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer shoots more than Peter North.
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When Jack Bauer goes to a strip club he doesn't get a lapdance, he gets the stage.
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Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
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When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.