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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer found out that Chapelle was secretly watching CSI instead of 24, he shot him.
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Sprint cellphone sales skyrocketed after Jack Bauer showed people how to use them to blow up terrorists.
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Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
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In Season 2 when Jack is stripped down by the terrorists before torture, the camera caught a glimpse of his testicles. Unfortunately for viewers, scientists have yet to provide us with a storage medium of adequate capacity to archive Jack's immense b...
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When interrogating a suspect, they say everyone has a breaking point, for most it takes hours, maybe days to crack someone. Give Jack Bauer one bullet and it'll take 2 seconds, gun and hacksaw optional.
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Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
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Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
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The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
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When Kim brings new boyfriends to meet Jack, he doesn't shake hands with them. He introduces them to Chase.
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Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
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Mr. T does not pity Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer is no fool.
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Jack Bauer completes his missions in 24 hours because he hates going home with a messy desk.
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Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus.  Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
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What Jack Bauer whispered into Nina Myers' ear is so badass, your head would explode upon hearing or reading it. Nina merely went insane because it was whispered to her.
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Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer didn't ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy's head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
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The movie "Hostel" is about a hotel where people go to relax after being tortured by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead. 
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Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
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Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
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Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
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Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
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Jack Bauer doesn't fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
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Chloe got her "personality disorder" after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.  
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If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interuption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn't Pardon it.
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When Jack Bauer had a heart attack, he fought back by shooting his heart.
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Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one.
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Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
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Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
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David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
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Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
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Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. He knows that he never has problem he can't handle, regardless of druggings, bullet wounds, hostages and sleep deprivation.
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When Jack Bauer torrents, everyone seeds.
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Jack Bauer turns left on red.
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Jack Bauer is the reason snakes don't have legs.
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Jack Bauer has caused more suicides than extacy.
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Edgar styles once gave Jack Bauer the wrong coordinates.  Jack Bauer slapped him so hard he now has a lisp.  Edgar Styles never gives the wrong coordinates anymore.  
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Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
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Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.
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A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
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Jack Bauer waited for Godot once; then Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer knows entire value of 'pi'.
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If you killed Jack Bauer's friend and you've been shot, don't count on going to a hospital.
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After taking Levitra, Jack Bauer has 24 hour erections.  He kills terrorists instead of seeking immediate medical attention.
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Jack Bauer is the only man that make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
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If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
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If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has not killed you. Yet.
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Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.
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Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school.  When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found.  Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents.
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When Jack Bauer is connected to a series of events that involves foreigners, they have to speak english even in their own homes. They have no choice, that is the way of things.
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American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
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Jack Bauer found his parents having sex, and tortured his father to learn of his primary objective.
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Jack Bauer eats Hotpockets as soon as they're done.
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In America, Jack Bauer kills you.

In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer kills you.
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When Jack Bauer takes a shower, he never puts it back.
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Jack Bauer shot the apple out of Newton's tree.
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Jack Bauer can kill terrorist with a magnifying glass, at night. 

He fucking shoves it in the terrorist's throat.
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Edgar never stuttered before the show 24, but after he stared into the eyes of Jack Bauer, he has never been the same.
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The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
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Jack Bauer can get food for $1 at McDonalds even if the item is not on the $1 menu.  Because he's hungry.
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On June 6 2025 09:27, Alzheimer will attack Jack bauer. On June 6 2025 09:29, he'll have made it forget him.
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Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
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When in the presense of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
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Jack Bauer didn't need to go back to the future to fix his mistakes. Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes.
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If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
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Young Jack Bauer swore like a sailor.  And then washed his parents' mouths out with soap.
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The only reason why you can't see Jack Bauer on Mount Rushmore is because he doesn't want you to see him. 
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Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light.  That's why 24 hours to him is actually 18 hours to the rest of us.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get full from the Taco Bell Dollar Menu.
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Jack Bauer's biological make-up is so advanced that he internally recycles his own human waste into nourishment. That's why Jack never eats or goes to the bathroom.
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Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.  
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CTU agents watch highlights of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. They call it, "You just got Jacked up."
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If Fox ever made a "24" movie, Jack Bauer would take down the entire Russian mafia, liberate Cuba, and kill Osama Bin Laden in his spare time. That would be BEFORE the intermission.
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Jack Bauer doesn't watch for falling stars. He causes them.
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Whoever said cheaters never prosper asked Jack Bauer first.
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If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
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Jack Bauer paid the cougar and Kevin Dillon to keep Kim busy in Season 2.  But, alas, Kim escaped because she is, of course, half Jack Bauer.
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The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
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Texas does not "Hold 'Em", Jack Bauer does.

And he holds Texas too.
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If Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris would be the catcher and subsequently would never walk again.
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When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
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There is indeed a bullet with Jack Bauer's name on it. Soon after it was made, he led a field operation to recover the bullet and ate it. Thus Jack Bauer has made himself invulnerable to conventional weapons.
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After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.
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Whenever Jack Bauer yells "we're running out of time", it really means you're running out of time and it's your ass.
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Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
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Jack Bauer can neutralize any hostile situation by getting captured.
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The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
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Jack Bauer is USDA certified, grade A.
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The first Jack-In-The-Boxes were used as interrogation tools by the U.S. government. However, they grew out of use due to the fact that terrorists would die at the mere sight of Bauer's face popping out of the box. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
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I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him...  Terrorists do believe in God, and the only thing that scares them is Jack Bauer.
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We now understand how Desmond really got on the “LOST” island.. he was a former German secret agent who pissed off Jack Bauer again and had to hide somewhere.
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When Kim Bauer got the part in "Girl Next Door" Jack Bauer proceeded to castrate every person on set just to make sure his genes weren't going to be combined with that of a humans.
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If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
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President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
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Nobody messes with Jack Bauer's daughter and lives.
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If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
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Jack Bauer is President Bush's new Social Security plan.
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Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
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Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
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Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
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If your pizza wasn't delivered in 20 minutes or less, Jack Bauer wasn't the driver.
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Jack Bauer made hell freeze over.
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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack Bauer thought they were fetching nukes so he killed them both and assumed the other Jack's identity.
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The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
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Jack Bauer got his ear pierced once not because he though it was cool, but because he decided it was cool.
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Jack Bauer's buddylist contains the name and location of every known terrorist, but rather than getting online, he likes to figure it out on his own.
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Paul Revere's message was actually a secret code for "Jack Bauer is coming! Jack Bauer is coming!"
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Jack Bauer has Xenu locked in his trunk.
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Jack Bauer never watched "A-Team" back in the 80's.  He lost interest immediately because no one on that show ever died, and vowed that one day he would make a TV show that was the complete opposite.
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Anytime Jack Bauer makes a list, when he gets to #24 his trigger finger twitches.
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Jack Bauer holds two world records. In a 24 hour period, he has a) killed the most people and b) delivered the most justice.
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Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
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Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
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If Jack Bauer tells you you have ten minutes to live, you have one minute to live.
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The ref who blew the call in the Pittsburgh/Indianapolis game recently suffered a heart attack.  He found out that Jack Bauer was a Steelers fan.
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Jack Bauer gives advice to Dr. Phil.
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Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

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Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
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Jack Bauer kills 24 birds with one stone.
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Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
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If Jack Bauer were gay, more women would get sex changes.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
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The only thing Jack Bauer ever prays for is that they never get rid of night and weekend minutes.
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The last time Jack Bauer sneezed, Dorothy's house ended up in Oz.
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Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
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Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
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Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
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Jack Bauer beat Mike Tyson's Punchout on his first try (even Super Macho Man).
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Scariest Halloween costume in the Middle East? Well they probably don't even celebrate Halloween. It's scary enough being a terrorist and knowing Jack Bauer is still alive.
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Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
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Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
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Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
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Brawn paper towels originally featured a picture of Jack Bauer.  The Brawn paper company quickly replaced the picture when they discovered that Jack Bauer was simply too bad ass for most consumers to handle.
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Fox has actually been trying to cancel 24 for years. The reason its still on the air is Jack Bauer killed the writers for "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe...
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Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
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We all want to be like Jack Bauer, except we are all too much of a coward.
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Mandy is a lesbian because Jack Bauer rejected her.
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My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
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Jack Bauer does not part seas like Moses. He parts the ocean. 
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Jack Bauer loves his country so much, he tortured his brother within an hour of shooting his best friend. Because both were in the best interests of the country.
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You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
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Jack Bauer can find his own fucking job, Erin.  Thank you.

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Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
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Tom Jones throws his underware at Jack Bauer. 
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In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
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The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
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Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
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GWB wasnt lying about the war with Iraq, it was to find the weapons of mass destruction. It was to retrieve Jack Bauer from Iraq, the war was a cover up for all the destruction he left behind.
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When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
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Jack Bauer once went hunting.  Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
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The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
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Everybody wants to be like Mike, Micheal Jordan wants to be like Jack Bauer.
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So far Jack Bauer has not had to confront the Germans, because his grandfather John "Jack" Bauer sorted that lot out in 1945.
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Jack found Waldo in one hour.  The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.
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In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
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Jack Bauer doesn't actually need a hacksaw, he just uses it to be polite.
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"ALL HAIL THE POWER OF BAUER!" -Newsweek.
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Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  Every time Jack Bauer masturbates, he kills 50 terrorists.
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When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
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Jared didn't lose weight through Subway, he lost it because Jack Bauer tortured him in his basement for half a year.
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Jack Bauer rolled doubles three times in Monopoly but didn't go to jail, he advanced to "GO". 
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The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is the Macgiver of torture.
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Ryan Chappelle and George Mason filled out Jack Bauer's annual employee evaluation. CTU's evaluation forms couldn't properly reflect Jack's awesomeness. We all know what happened to Chappelle and Mason.
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If Jack Bauer were a woman, he could give birth with no anesthesia and not even wince. He may even be able to do it as a man.
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When the football game between the Chicago Bears and the Carolina Panthers delayed the fifth season premiere of 24, nobody at CTU was happy.  The next day, the "NFL on FOX" studio was discovered to be littered with bodies, one victim even missing his...
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Jack Bauer has actually killed someone just to watch them die.
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Don't come out of the closet, Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
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Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
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Jack Bauer does not need paper in order to torture somebody with paper cuts.
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Jack Bauer hates casual conversation.  He prefers bullets.
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Jack Bauer takes cyanide pills to cure hangovers.
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Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  
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Hammertime was actually derived from Bauertime. No one can touch Jack Bauer.
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You wouldn't think Jack Bauer could shove this towel down your throat, but he can.
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Jack Bauer wants to know, "Who are all of these fucking camera men!?" 
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Jack Bauer is not required to wash his hands before returning to work.  Germs cannot survive in Jack Bauer's hands. 
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Micheal Jackson's face is was not the work of plastic surgeons. It was Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer did not invent the term "bad ass."  He just tortured the guy who did till he gave him the copyright.
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Jack Bauer successfully went over Niagara Falls without a barrel.
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By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't believe in testing cosmetics on animals, he prefers terrorists.
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Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
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Jack Bauer once stared at a total solar eclipse.  He didn't go blind, but the world plunged into darkness.
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Only Jack Bauer can stop forest fires.
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Whenever Emeril says ‘Bam’ – he is referring to another kill by Jack Bauer.
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Roosters crow in the morning after Jack Bauer wakes them.
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You can now abolish the IRS by having them audit Jack Bauer.
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If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter.  If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
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President Logan is not scared because he knows the terrorits are threatening America. He is scared because he knows Jack Bauer can take over anytime he wants.
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Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
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When Jack was just a young boy, he was held at gunpoint by a  terrorist. He escaped by looking him in the eye and laughing, melting his brain. That laughter broke into a million tiny pieces, and that is where fairies come from.
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John McCain only has no problem with torturing detainees just as long as it's Jack Bauer doing the torturing.
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Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.
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Ken Jennings' 74 game winning steak consisted solely of the phrase, "Who is Jack Bauer?"
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The real reason Erin Driscoll left, she wanted Jack to come in on Saturday.
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Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
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If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.
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Jack Bauer doesn't cry, the water in his eyes are running from him.
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Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
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Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once lost his TV remote, but managed to regain control by calmly telling the television what to do.
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Jack Bauer would have broke Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield out of prison... But then it wouldn't have been much of a show, would it?
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Jack Bauer doesn't count his chickens before they hatch. He smashes them into little pieces and eats them for dinner.
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CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife's death.  By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
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Jack Bauer has once made a lie detector lie.  He then proceeded to torture it until it told the truth.
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Jack Bauer once took every drug known to man and then took a nap.
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24's Director no longer yells "Cut!" after scenes... it was just getting too bloody.
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Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.
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Jack and Dr. House are good friends.  As soon as Jack kills a man, House saves him so Jack can kill him again.
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Jack Bauer has never had to use the Backspace button on his computer.
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At the end of season 3, many believe Jack Bauer is crying tears of remorse because he shot Ryan Chappelle, murdering a friend.  The truth of the  matter is that Jack is crying tears of joy because he has just lived the American Dream, killing his bos...
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My girlfriend slipped while we were in bad and called me Jack.  It made me finish too early.  "Premature Jack Elation".   
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Jack Bauer cannot get drunk. His blood is stronger than everclear.
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Ron Artest thinks Jack Bauer is one crazy motherfucker.
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Jack Bauer hates the player. He loves the game.
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What most people call S and M Jack Bauer calls first base.
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How do black boxes survive plane crashes? Because Jack Bauer holds it in his lap.
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Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
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Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
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If Jack Bauer was a mortal human being, his name would be Tony Almeida.
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After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it. 

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One time Jack Bauer was asked to bring a known terrorist back to CTU for questioning. After being gone for three hours, Jack returned covered in blood and carrying a six foot party sub, which he then ate all by himself in a single sitting. 
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The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer's boss is being Jack Bauer's partner.
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Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
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James Bond has his Bond girls. Jack Bauer has his body count.
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Jack Bauer once agreed to appear on an episode of Prison Break.  It was all part of an elaborate ruse to help Ramon Salazar escape.

The setback delayed the series premiere two years... the inmates are still trying to figure out how he did it.
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When Jack Bauer goes to an all-inclusive resort, he goes to Afghanistan for "All you can kill terrorists." 
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His name's not Frank.
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Batman has Robin. Jack Bauer has Kim Bauer and gets out of shit anyway.
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Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
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After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
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Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to workout."
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Kim is half Jack Bauer, half human.  Enough said.
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You can run but you can't hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you then you can't do either.
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If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just gonna die tired.
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Jack Bauer's WWE Wrestling DVDs don't have the "Please don't try this at home" warning on them, because there's nothing WWE wrestlers can do that can possibly hurt Jack Bauer.
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MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her in on their show.  Jack Bauer shot the men instantly.  MTV has never tried to Raid Kim's room again.
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Jack Bauer can teach an old dog new tricks, like how to kill terrorists.
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Jack Bauer would win American Idol by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
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Jack Bauer can open child proof medicine with out lining up the tabs.
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Jack Bauer once won a game of Scrabble without a single letter.
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Jack Bauer doesn't sing the Oscar Myer Wiener song, because he is no wiener and is already loved by everyone.
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Jack Bauer was once asked why he faked his own death, instead of making a stand against the Chinese.  Jack replied, "Because I can't fit 1.6 million bullets in my CTU vehicle."  He then tortured and shot the man to prove his point.
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The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.
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Ryan Seacrest is only allowed to live because Jack Bauer shares his network.
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You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have IRS withholdings taken out of his check.  The IRS has Bauer Refund withholdings taken out of their funds.
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Jack Bauer fakes orgasms, nothing excites him more than killing.
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Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
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There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
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Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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Fact: Jack Bauer and Batman have never been seen in the same place at the same time.  Draw your own conclusions.
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When Jack Bauer steps off a sidewalk, his foot doesn't fall to hit the earth, but rather the Earth comes to meet his foot.
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It doesn't take any licks for Jack Bauer to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Jack Bauer simply shoots the shell off.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
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When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
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For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
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If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
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Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
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When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
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Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
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When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
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Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
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When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
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There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
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Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
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When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
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Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
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When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
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When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
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If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
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Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
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Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
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Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
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Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
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When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
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Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
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There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
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Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
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Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
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When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
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Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
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Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?
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When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
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Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries.  He never needs to recharge.
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Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin' about, he just didn't know it yet.
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If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are fucked.
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Jack Bauer is mentioned in the Bible 24 times.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tie his shoelaces.  He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
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In season 3, Michelle was immune to the virus. This is because later that day she had a quickie with Jack Bauer in situation room 1.
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Jack Bauer was once at a club and was asked if he could break dance.  Minutes later the dance floor was littered with broken bodies.
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Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he fucking wants.
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Jack Bauer is the reason death rate in LA is so high.
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Many people don't realize that "Bauer" is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!"
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"Out of Business" is a code name for "that store didn't have the item Jack Bauer wanted to buy from them."

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Jack Bauer doesn't feel regret. He only feels recoil.
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Jack Bauer brought balance to the force.
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Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
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If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer you may be only seconds away from death.
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Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to "Speak the Fuck up."
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Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo.  Once he discovered that the  princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds.  The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn't owned a game console since.
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Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
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Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.
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Vegas takes no odds on Jack Bauer versus a terrorist. The chance of the terrorist dying is always 100%.
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Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
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Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
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Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
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"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
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When Jack Bauer read "Dianetics", he killed L. Ron Hubbard for mental terrorism.
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Jack Bauer can substitute Z's for vowels in Scrabble.
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They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn't take shit from anybody.
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Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
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Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
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In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
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Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
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Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
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Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
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The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
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Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
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Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
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Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
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When Jack Bauer said, "You've read my profile" he really meant, "You've spent 45 minutes reading facts about me on that website, you know what I'm capable of."
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If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
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Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
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If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
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When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga. 
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Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
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Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting. 
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Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
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"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
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President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
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Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
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Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
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The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
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While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
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If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
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Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
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If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
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The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
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Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three.  Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
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Michael J. Fox doesn't have Parkinsons.  He's shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
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Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
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Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
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Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
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At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
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Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
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Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
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Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
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The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
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The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
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Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
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Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
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Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
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You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
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A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
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Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
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The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
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In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
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Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
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...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
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Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
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Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.
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There were originally twenty hours in a day. Jack Bauer made the days longer so he could kill more terrorists in a one day period.
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President Logan is wrong. Jack Bauer disappearing will not be for the good of this country. Jack Bauer is the good of the country.
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If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
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You cannot stop Jack Bauer, you can only hope to contain him.  Wait you can't even contain him, maybe you can hope to slow him down. Ah hell, you can't stop, contain or slow down Jack Bauer.
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It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
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Walt Cummings heart now beats to the rhythm of Jack Bauers punches.
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Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
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Audrey couldn't handle the size of Jack's penis, which is why she used Paul's death as an excuse to break up with him.
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When Jack Bauer lost a tooth as a child, instead of leaving a quarter, the tooth farie left a bullet.
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To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
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On slow days at CTU, Jack Bauer will release 15 velociraptors throughout the entire building.  This is to keep everyone at peak alertness, and keeps Jack Bauer challenged when there are no terrorists to thwart.  Where does Bauer get velociraptors?  A...
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When people say "Lord have mercy," Jack Bauer considers it.
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For Valentine’s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
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Jack Bauer hates microwave ovens; he finds them too slow. Jack would rather just intimidate his food into going from raw to cooked in under a minute.
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When Jack Bauer coughs, all terrorists in the world are stricken with fear.
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Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings' eye for fun.
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Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm rou...
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In addition to their VISION plan, Sprint plans to offer the CTU package, which includes color schematics, 24 volume bars (volume levels 1-23 and CHOPPER), and a self-destruct mode.
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Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
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When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention.  When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.
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Jack Bauer is going to take down the President of the United States.
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Jack Bauer could silence Simon Cowell.
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Jack Bauer has received a grand total of $1.3 million from the tooth fairy.
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Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener, he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
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When women are asked what they see in Jack, they respond "24".  They're not talking about the show, either.
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Sleeping with Jack Bauer has been listed as an STD by the CDC.  The risks include death and death to those closest to you.
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If you find out Jack Bauer is after you, do everything you can to enjoy your last 24 hours.
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Jack Bauer takes nude photos of all the women he has sex with. He keeps the best ones for himself and sells the others to Playboy.
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Jack Bauer won his third grade spelling bee.  He spelt whatever the hell he wanted.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella.  Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer uses Binford 6100 Power tools.
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Jack Bauer has a 5 o clock shadow at 5am.
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In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
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The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
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In grade school, Jack Bauer's teachers gave him apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. 
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Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
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Jack Bauer's nickname is "Taco Bell" because he makes terrorists run for the border.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need "Tivo", televisions skip commercials for him regardless.
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The reason it's so easy for terrorits to infiltrate CTU? Jack Bauer loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
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Jack Bauer located the other side of a mobius strip.
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Jack Bauer demanded to see the stars, so the clouds moved out of the way.
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If your power goes out, it's because Jack Bauer took it.
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Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.
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When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the  Jack Bauer signal.
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On Day 4, Audrey Raines chose to be with her husband, Paul, over Jack Bauer. This is generally regarded as one of the worst decisions ever made by a human.
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Jack Bauer's doesn't use pickup lines, he just says, "Hi, my name is Jack Bauer."
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Jack ate twice the amount of sliders Kumar did.
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If you played Halo with Jack Bauer, he'd snap your neck in the game. Then for real. 
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jack Bauer once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

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Jack Bauer can steal a helicopter in the time it takes you to get dressed in the morning.
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Jack Bauer gave the sun a sunburn.
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The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
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Jack Bauer can look at white rice and turn it brown.
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Jack Bauer is the one who actually brought about the collapse of the USSR. He is known to the Russians as "Jakhail Bauerbachev".
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When Jack slid across the ground and shot the Chinese vehicle it wasn't because he needed to slide, it was because he wanted to add some style points to his kills.
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Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
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Jack Bauer, in order to escape a terrorist trap, once ate his own left hand. When he got out, a new hand, a machine gun, and six bears grew back in its place.
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Why else do they call it JACKing off?
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Jack Bauer impregnated his wife by ejaculating on his bullets and firing them into her womb.
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When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
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Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
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Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
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Jack Bauer tortures foreigners into speaking in english.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
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Nerve gas doesn't harm Jack Bauer, it simply gets on his nerves.
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If you click on "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" Jack Bauer will hunt you down and demonstrate what he can do.
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As a boy for his birthday Jack Bauer's parents showed him how to play the game pin the bullet to the head. He hasn't stopped playing it since.
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Jack Bauer causes tsunamis when he does a cannonball. 
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Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
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Jack Bauer's fesces can crush diamonds.
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Black people shut up when Jack Bauer walks into the movie theater.
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Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.
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Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
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Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
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There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
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If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
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Jack Bauer's favorite part about school was pulling all-nighters.
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When your wathicng 24 your not watching Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer is watching you.
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A majority of American disapprove of the U.S. torturing terror suspects... only because Jack Bauer isn't doing the torturing.
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When Jack Bauer was in 4th grade he put his principle in an armbar for 24 hours for forgetting to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance.  
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On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
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Jack Bauer has an Xbox 720.
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Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
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Nothing could get in the middle of Jack Bauer. Not even a middle name.
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If there was a bomb on a 60 second timer and Jack was handcuffed, he would dial CTU with his nose and disable the bomb with his teeth.
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Jack Bauer once saw two gay men making out. They immediately turned straight.
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Jack Bauer gets anal on the first date. No questions asked.