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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
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Jack Bauer has been torturing mountain lions in the hope of getting information on the one that terrorized his daughter.
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The Constitution was signed by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
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When Kim brings new boyfriends to meet Jack, he doesn't shake hands with them. He introduces them to Chase.
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Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
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Mr. T does not pity Jack Bauer.  Jack Bauer is no fool.
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Jack Bauer completes his missions in 24 hours because he hates going home with a messy desk.
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Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus.  Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
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What Jack Bauer whispered into Nina Myers' ear is so badass, your head would explode upon hearing or reading it. Nina merely went insane because it was whispered to her.
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Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.
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Jack Bauer didn't ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy's head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
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The movie "Hostel" is about a hotel where people go to relax after being tortured by Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead. 
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Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
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Jesus turned water into wine. Jack Bauer turns terrorists into leaky pieces of meat.
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Hurricane Katrina did not really happen. Jack Bauer took a piss outside Bourbon Street.
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Jack Bauer is stronger than heroin.
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Jack Bauer doesn't fear death. You can tell because he drives a Ford.
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Chloe got her "personality disorder" after being sodomized by Jack Bauer.  
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If Jack Bauer was on PTI, there would be no Interuption, and if there was he sure as hell wouldn't Pardon it.
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When Jack Bauer had a heart attack, he fought back by shooting his heart.
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Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one.
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Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
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Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
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When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.
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When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
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Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
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There is no such thing as Weapons of Mass Destruction.  There is only Weapons of Jack Bauer.
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If J.K. Rowling wrote Jack Bauer into the Harry Potter series, Voldemort would be obliterated in, like, five seconds.
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David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
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Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
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Jack Bauer has put Terrorists and the Chinese on the endangered species list by his fifth day of work.
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Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
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Originally God gave Moses 15 commandments. Jack Bauer only wanted 10.
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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
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Jack Bauer has no hope. He knows that he never has problem he can't handle, regardless of druggings, bullet wounds, hostages and sleep deprivation.
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When Jack Bauer torrents, everyone seeds.
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Jack Bauer turns left on red.
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Jack Bauer is the reason snakes don't have legs.
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Jack Bauer has caused more suicides than extacy.
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Edgar styles once gave Jack Bauer the wrong coordinates.  Jack Bauer slapped him so hard he now has a lisp.  Edgar Styles never gives the wrong coordinates anymore.  
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Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
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Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.
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A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
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Jack Bauer waited for Godot once; then Jack Bauer shot him.
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Jack Bauer knows entire value of 'pi'.
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If you killed Jack Bauer's friend and you've been shot, don't count on going to a hospital.
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After taking Levitra, Jack Bauer has 24 hour erections.  He kills terrorists instead of seeking immediate medical attention.
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Jack Bauer is the only man that make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.
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If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
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If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has not killed you. Yet.
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Jack Bauer does not fire bullets. Instead, they fire themselves away from Jack in pure fear of him.
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Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't die when he gets shot, he only gets pissed.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple a day does not keep Jack Bauer away, it gets you shot. Jack Bauer loves apples. Don't eat Jack Bauer's apples.
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Jack Bauer doesn't do sequels because there is nothing he can't finish the first time.
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Jack Bauer doesnt like killing people. He loves it.
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Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
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Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
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Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
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Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
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Jack Bauer's semen is known to be poisonous. Women still want to swallow it. 
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Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
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The phrase "if looks could kill" is true with regards to Jack Bauer
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Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.
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Every day for Jack Bauer gets increasingly worse.  So every day we see Jack Bauer, it's on the worst day of his life.
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Jack Bauer was once with a woman who faked an orgasm. He had no choice but to torture her into admitting her lie.
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Jack Bauer doesn't own a watch, because there's never any time.
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The truth is out there, but only Jack Bauer knows the truth.
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When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't pay attention to expiration dates.  He finishes all his food in 24 hours or less.
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Jack Bauer once went 'Koo Koo for Coco Puffs'. Soon after, he killed tortured and then killed that stupid bird from the cereal box for making him feel that way. Jack Bauer has not eaten since that day.
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Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
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If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
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If you're constipated, look at Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't like sports because everybody lives. 
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Little known fact: MacGuyver wore a wire on every mission. Who was on the other end, you ask? Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost. 
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Whenever Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer are all
in Los Angeles at the same time, something goes wrong.
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The Raiders moved back to Oakland because Jack Bauer decided that the L. A. Coliseum would be better used for a gunfight with terrorists.
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A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
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Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
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The highest possible score in a perfect game of bowling is 300. Jack Bauer once bowled and got 600... just because he can. 
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Only Jack Bauer can prevent forest fires.
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While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
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There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
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Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.
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Ford is doing better than GM because Jack Bauer drives a Ford Expedition. Not a Chevy Suburban.
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Radiation needs a Jack Bauer suit.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
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The original cut of Peter Jackson's King Kong included a scene where Jack Bauer body slams King Kong through the Empire State Building.  Peter Jackson later decided to cut this scene because it made Kong look "weak."  Jack Bauer is on his way to go v...
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Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys. 
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When Jack Bauer is in your dream they are wet dreams... but after these dreams you don't wake up, you are found in a pool of blood.
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Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
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When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need camouflage, his surroundings blend into him.
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Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
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Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
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As George Mason said, where ever Jack Bauer goes there is a body count.
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Jack Bauer once held his breath for thirty-seven minutes underwater. He was fucking a mermaid.
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If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
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When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
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Enraged, Jack Bauer once ravaged the Earth in search of pertinent information, sparing only a hundred thousand people on the planet.

A book was written about this tragic day... it is called "Revelation."
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When Jack Bauer found out a deck of cards has four Jacks, he replied, "That's so not fair."
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80% of Americans now ask themselves WWJBD? (What would Jack Bauer do?)  The other 20% will be left out to dry when the next terrorist attack comes.
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Jack Bauer went on Fear Factor and made the host eat his own heart.
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Family pictures in God's wallet... Just Jack.
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LA smog is not due to automobile pollution. It is due to the constant corpse fires for all the terrorists slain at the hands of Jack Bauer.
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After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
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If you're ever unsure of what answer to give, just say or write Jack Bauer.  You'll get it right.
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Jack Bauer does not spray and pray.  He sprays, and you pray.
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You don't assign Jack Bauer to a case.  You turn him loose.
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What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
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Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
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Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix.
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Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

Jack Bauer once stared down his own image in a mirror.
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A fact known only to Jack Bauer: with great Bauer comes great responsibility.
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The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size.  Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
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Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
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Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
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Jack Bauer can come up with a word that rhymes with "purpose".
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Jack Bauer doesn't sleep. He absorbs the sleep every person he killed had before he killed them.
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Only two people dared to argue with Jack Bauer.  David Palmer and Michelle Dessler.  Tony apologized.
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Jack Bauer's urine is an effective substitute for diesel fuel.
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The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
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Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer broke the first rule of Fight Club.
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When Jack Bauer attended sniper school, they changed the motto to "One shot, one hundred kills."
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The only thing Jack Bauer has never caught is his breath.
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Jack Bauer can score a three pointer from inside the key.
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Former L.A. Lakers star, Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
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The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
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Darth Vader wears a mask because Jack Bauer is looking for the face.
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Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
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Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
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Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
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When Jack Bauer cries in the end of the day, it's not because he breaks down, it's just because it's the end of the day.
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Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
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Jack Bauer wrote 27 of the top 30 facts about Chuck Norris. The authors of the three he did not write, are dead. 
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Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.
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When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
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When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
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Jack Bauer and Agent Pierce shaking hands is a deadlier combination than crossing the streams.
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When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
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Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
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The only reason outer-space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer never has to blow his NES cartridges more than once.
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Jack Bauer may not speak your language, but he sure as hell knows what you're saying.
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Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
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Despite Jack Bauer's protests, CTU continues to use only one safeguard against infiltration:

A question on all job applications which reads: "Are you a mole?"
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When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
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The American dream is Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
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Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
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Jack Bauer produces his own food through photosynthesis which explains why he never eats. This process excretes "Canned Whoop-Ass" which explains everything else.
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One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.
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Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
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Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
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Jack Bauer watches 24 every Monday night as a weekly reminder of how badass he is.
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Don’t lie to Jack Bauer that you have a headache on date night. He’s gonna fuck you anyway.
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Jack Bauer can be seen from outer space.
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While playing Clue, Instead of investigating the rooms, Jack interrogates the Colonel until he tells him who killed Mr. Boddy.
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Jack Bauer once got his order screwed up in the drivethru. Once.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have a 6-pack; he has a 24-pack, because that's how real men roll.
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Jack Bauer uses a bomb for an alarm clock every morning.
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Jack Bauer doesn't punch you in the chest.  He punches you in the fucking heart.

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Black people are jealous of the size of Jack Bauer's penis.
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Agent Pierce is 62% as tough as Jack Bauer, easily making Agent Pierce the second toughest man in the universe.
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Jack Bauer prefers windows...doors are for women, children, and people he kicks through them.
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Jack Bauer can swim 20 minutes after he eats.
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Jack Bauer can milk anything with nipples, even men.
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Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.
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When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask, "When can I come down?"
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
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Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn't stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.
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Jack Bauer loves to break hearts, literally and metaphorically.
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Jack Bauer's nerves set off every metal in an airport when he walks in.
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It wasn't the needle that killed Tony... it was Jack's death grip in thinking he was already dead.
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The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, “The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.”
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Jack Bauer parties like its 1999.
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Jack Bauer is the American Idol. 
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Jack Bauer ate Hanibal Lector.
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Jack Bauer places a bag of flaming dog shit on Satan's front porch every week. Satan knows Jack is doing it, but he can't do anything about it.
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On Halloween, Jack Bauer goes as himself.
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That hanging thing in the back of your throat? Jack Bauer planted it there.
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Some people watch TV or read to unwind after a long day at work. Jack Bauer holds up gas stations.
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Jack Bauer can unhook your bra while blindfolded and handcuffed to a pole.
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Jack Bauer, cashing in on his super-power ability to get to anywhere in L.A. in 15 minutes, is the employee of the month at Domino's... for 5 years straight.
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Jack Bauer is hung like an 8 year old. No, seriously... his penis is the size of a small boy. 
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Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
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Jack Bauer is the shortest distance between 2 points.
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Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists, he kills them.
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Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16...
"You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
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In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
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Jack Bauer can un-bust myths that the Mythbusters busted, and vice versa.
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Harry Potter reads Jack Bauer's books.
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Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.
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Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.
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When Jack Bauer jumps out of an airplane, he doesn't need a parachute. He uses his gigantic balls to break his fall.
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Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
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Jack Bauer could beat Edgar Stiles in a pie eating contest.
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Jack Bauer is never surprised, only amused.
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If Jack Bauer orders his team to "Stand down" don't be fooled; he just wants to get credit for the kill.
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Jack Bauer didn't learn anything in school. He already knew.
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Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
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Looking upon some of Jack's finest handywork, Mike Doyle could only say with utmost respect, "Damn, Jack..."
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If Edgar and Chloe ever had a baby, Jack would shoot it.
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The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
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Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
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The heavy metal band Slayer wrote the song "Raining Blood" about Jack Bauer. Jack loves heavy metal. And rain made of blood.
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Someone told Jack Bauer to "kill the lights." I feel sorry for those light bulbs.
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Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
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Welcome to the Jack Bauer Comedy Club. Rule #1 - laugh only when Jack laughs, which will be never.
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When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
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Jack Bauer was Superman's stunt double.
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When Tony was attacked by a syringe, Jack was holding him and crying because his tears have healing powers.
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In Soviet Russia, Jack Bauer is the one that drives the car.
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Jack Bauer does not need to upload songs to his iPod, they upload themselves.
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When Jack Bauer got a job at the Home Depot, they changed their slogan to, "You can't do it, Jack Bauer can help."
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There were a lot of terrorists in Atlantis, now where the fuck is it? It is all Jack Bauer's doing.
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Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
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Jack Bauer would not put Rudy in the game.
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People said if there were a black Jack Bauer, his name would be Curtis. Once returning from his imprisonment in China, Jack was quick to show there’s only one Jack Bauer. RIP Curtis, January 15th 2007.
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Jack Bauer's unique digestive system craps out bullets, providing a neverending supply of ammunition.
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At God's wedding, Jack Bauer was the best man.
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Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
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There is a theory that says if a werewolf bites Jack Bauer, then every full moon it will turn into a "were-Bauer" and kill terrorists uncontrollably. This is only a theory of course, because no werewolf has succeeded in biting him. Neither have Vampi...
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They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
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People think that every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. That is only the nice story your parents told you. In truth, every time a bell rings another terrorist has just gone to hell.
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Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
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It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
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If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

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When someone says "Hijack!" they are literally saying hi to Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer doesn't have to click the New Fact or the F5 button.
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Clint Eastwood knows Jack Bauer is always feeling lucky.
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Jack Bauer got the dark side and light side to join him.
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Jack Bauer has died twice. That's also a real fact.
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For most people, a red light means stop. To Jack Bauer, it means go faster.
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Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
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Had the US decided to drop Jack Bauer on Hiroshima or Nagasaki instead of the nukes, the Japanese would have had no chance to surrender, as they would have all been killed in the initial blast. The Japanese should consider themselves lucky.
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When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
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In a fight against Vin Diesel, Jack Bauer would win with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
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There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
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Godzilla warns Tokyo of Jack's arrival.
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Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first
#2. Ask Questions later
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2
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Jack Bauer can capture the flag, during deathmatch.
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If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.  Somebody is going to die.
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Jack Bauer invented the Internet just so he could fight cyberterrorists.
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Jack Bauer creates enough fear to turn black men white.  The first example of this ability is Eminem.
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When Jack Bauer killed Nina, he didn't shed a tear for his late wife, he was sad thinking about all of the terrible things he wished he'd had more time to do to her before killing her.
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Jack Bauer ONLY eats the crust.
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When Jack Bauer played the Wacky Gopher game as a kid the gopher's would never come out of their holes.  
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There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
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When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
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Jack Bauer doesn't get mad. He gets even. Actually that's not true, he does get mad, but the ratio between the two is so obscenely disproportionate that it pretty much comes down to the same thing.
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Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
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Jack Bauer is the reason Churchill and Stalin sat down with Roosevelt.
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Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
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If you look closely at the scene of King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building, you can see Jack Bauer holding a gun to his back.
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Jesus Christ doesn't say "Jesus Christ," he says "Jack Bauer."
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Ford wanted to make the Jack Bauer edition of the Explorer, but the government wouldn't let them mount the machine gun on the hood, so they settled for Eddie Bauer.
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Jack Bauer closed Pandora's Box.
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The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It hit Jack Bauer on his afternoon swim.
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Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands. 
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We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
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Jack Bauer does not know his show runs on the same network as the OC. If he did know, he would rape every last person in the OC. Twice. Especially Seth Cohen.
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Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.
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If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
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Jack Bauer doesn't require a whole group of men to perform bukkake on you, just himself.
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If Jack Bauer says "your constitutional rights no longer apply," not even the President can overturn his decision.
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Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 

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Jack Bauer regularly rips the tags off of matresses.
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Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
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Jack Bauer cancelled "Walker, Texas Ranger".
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Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn't recommend Trident.
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Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as Easter.
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Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
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"I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".
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Jack Bauer remembers everything after getting flashed by the Men In Black.
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Even though Jack Bauer isn't big and green, don't make him angry.  You won't like him when he is angry.
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Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
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The day Jack Bauer was born, every terrorist in the world got the chills.
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The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
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Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
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Jack Bauer once tortured his g/f until she gave up the location of her g-spot.
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Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
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Jack Bauer has a gunshot wound, but not because he was hit. He simply wanted to feel the pain that he inflicted upon others. He was satisfied with himself.
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An inventor came up with an electric Jack Bauer. They call it the electric chair.
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Jack Bauer once popped out his eye so he could peek around a corner.
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To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
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fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

After brief discussions with Jack Bauer, Lynn McGill no longer believes in Hobbits, Dragons, Wizards or Magical Mythical Rings.
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Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
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Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
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Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
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When Jack Bauer was in the womb, his mother attempted to abort him. She stabbed him 47 times with a coat hanger and he refused to submit. He was born on time and broke her knee caps on the way out.
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For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
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If Jack Bauer worked in the Human Resources Department at CTU, there would be no moles working there.
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Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
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When Jack Bauer wants drive-through, he gets it. If the restaurant doesn't have a drive-through, they end up with one anyway.
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Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
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When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones't just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
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Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
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When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
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There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
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Jack Bauer use to be an American Gladiator but was fired when he killed a middle eastern contestant during a super-powerball practice run.
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When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
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Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
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When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
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When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
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If Jack Bauer ever gets shot, it would be the bullets that bleed.
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Terri Schiavo responded to Jack Bauer's commands when nobody else was in the room.
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Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon.
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Jack Bauer made the Mona Lisa blink first. 
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Tazing Jack Bauer is like tickling him with a feather.
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When the US invaded Iraq, the government forgot that they had already sent Jack Bauer to take out the weapons of mass destruction.
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Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.
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There was no Sentox nerve gas in CTU.  Jack Bauer just farted.
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Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
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Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
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When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I ...
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Jack Bauer's copy-editing style involves cutting the hands off of those who make spelling and grammatical errors with an ax.  
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Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:

*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase's arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard

Now do you want to work at CTU?
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When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
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Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries.  He never needs to recharge.
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Jack Bauer is what Willis was talkin' about, he just didn't know it yet.
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If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are fucked.
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Jack Bauer is mentioned in the Bible 24 times.
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Jack Bauer doesn't tie his shoelaces.  He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
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In season 3, Michelle was immune to the virus. This is because later that day she had a quickie with Jack Bauer in situation room 1.
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Jack Bauer was once at a club and was asked if he could break dance.  Minutes later the dance floor was littered with broken bodies.
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Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he fucking wants.
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Jack Bauer is the reason death rate in LA is so high.
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Many people don't realize that "Bauer" is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!"
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"Out of Business" is a code name for "that store didn't have the item Jack Bauer wanted to buy from them."

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Jack Bauer doesn't feel regret. He only feels recoil.
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Jack Bauer brought balance to the force.
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Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
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If you can see Jack Bauer, he can see you. If you can't see Jack Bauer you may be only seconds away from death.
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Lil Jon was soft spoken until Jack Bauer told him to "Speak the Fuck up."
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Jack Bauer once owned a Nintendo.  Once he discovered that the  princess was in another castle, Jack tortured the game for 30 seconds.  The Nintendo blew up as a result, and Jack hasn't owned a game console since.
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Jack Bauer is so cool, everybody forgets he is Canadian. 
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Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
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Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables, that doesn't mean someone called Triple A.

fortune/jackbauer  view on Meta::CPAN

When Jack Bauer microwaves a burrito, it isn't cold in the middle.
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Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
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Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
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"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
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When Jack Bauer read "Dianetics", he killed L. Ron Hubbard for mental terrorism.
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Jack Bauer can substitute Z's for vowels in Scrabble.
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They had to stop making Jack Bauer toilet paper because Jack doesn't take shit from anybody.
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Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
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Jack Bauer knows who number 2 works for.
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In high school Jack Bauer flew a B-52 bomber to class.
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Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
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Jack Bauer forced the Blackberry settlement so he could send a message to Mike Novick during Season 5.  
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Jack Bauer is not the second coming of Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ was the first coming of Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
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The movie "Under Siege" would have been over in 10 minutes if it had been Jack Bauer instead of Steven Seagal.  Jack would have just tipped the entire fucking battleship over.
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Jack Bauer doesn't chew bubble gum, he chews coal, and when he spits it out, it is a diamond.
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Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
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Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
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When Jack Bauer said, "You've read my profile" he really meant, "You've spent 45 minutes reading facts about me on that website, you know what I'm capable of."
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If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
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Jack Bauer submitted a random fact about himself, but it was so funny that people died laughing when they read it, and it had to be taken off the site.
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If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
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When faced with a moral dilemma, the CTU staff asks themselves one question, What Would Jack Do? The answer is usually simple; bust a cap in the nigga. 
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Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
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Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting. 
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Jack Bauer looks in the mirror when he masturbates.  
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"Dude, where's my car?" More like, "Dude, Jack Bauer just fucking blew up my car!"
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President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
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Neo, you wanted to know what the Matrix is.  Well, Jack Bauer is The Matrix.
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Ambulances carrying patients pull over for Jack Bauer.
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The only way Ford will make a comeback - Come out with the Jack Bauer edition Explorer.
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While he was in China, Jack Bauer escaped once. As he reached the ocean, he started swimming toward the United States. After 62 miles he got tired and swam back.
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If Jack Bauer was on American Idol, he would win because all other contestants would be too scared to sing.
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Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
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If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of brillo pads.  Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
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The United States outsources torture to Jack Bauer.
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Season 5 of 24 will end on hour twenty-three.  Hour twenty-four will be devoted to Jack Bauer torturing Henderson to death.
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Michael J. Fox doesn't have Parkinsons.  He's shaking cause he met Jack Bauer.
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Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
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Snapple is a fucking liar. Jack Bauer is the only thing made from the best stuff on Earth.
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Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness.  He is the weapon.
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Houston once handled 500 guys. She couldn't handle one Jack Bauer.
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If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
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At the gym, Tommy Lee caught a glimpse of Jack Bauer getting changed in the locker room. Tommy Lee was jealous.
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Jack Bauer can make a dyslexic kid win a spelling bee.
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Clocks tick to Jack Bauer's beat.
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Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
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The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
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The easy button is simply a metaphor for sending Jack Bauer to eliminate a terrorist threat.
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Magnum is Jack Bauer's standard look. 
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Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.
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Jack Bauer does not have to look both ways when he crosses the street.
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You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
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A little known fact is that Jack Bauer has a sensitive side that takes baths and lights scented candles. The tough side of Jack held sensitive Jack's head under the water until he confessed that he was in fact the mole in CTU.
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Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
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The capabilities of Jack Bauer's PDA are rivaled only by the computer book used by Penny on Inspector Gadget.
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In a tempestuous duel of the fates, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer.  Jack dodged the kick and shot him however the bullet was deflected by Chuck Norris' beard.  The standoff continues to this day.
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Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
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...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
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Jack Bauer once pulled the "go directly to jail" card in Monopoly. He then killed Uncle rich penny bags and escaped. 
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Jack Bauer once punched me so hard that all of my atoms lost an electron. I'm positive.